To drop out of all in laws Christmas events this year?

[RoundLolly]

I know I’m being unreasonable to be honest but I just don’t think I can cope right now with anymore happy family events.

Back story is my husband and I have been trying to have children for years. It hasn’t happened. We’ve pretty much broke ourselves emotionally and financially going through IVF and had multiple losses. We reached the end of the road in the summer and are coming to terms with the fact we won’t ever be parents. We’ve both done pretty well at pretending it’s all fine to friends and family. I know that’s partly our fault for not saying how we really feel etc, but quite honestly we don’t want sympathy. We don’t want people feeling sorry for us. Giving us endless tales of their sisters hairdresser who conceived twins at 48 etc. So we just smile along and say oh well etc.

The main issue is everyone in my husbands family have kids. In fact his brother has recently announced his very very new girlfriend (been together 4 months) is accidentally pregnant.

So at Christmas due to the many many grandkids and extended family kids, all the parties and gatherings are very child centric. Which is quite right. But we just don’t want to go. We’ve done really well the last few months at going to all birthday parties and smiling along and pretending we’re all fine. But we’re not. I just don’t think I can manage a whole Christmas period of pretending I’m fine. My husband tried to hint to his mother that we might sit this year out and just stay home by ourselves and she got really angry. Saying we’re “ruining the family” and we need to grow up. Telling us everything isn’t about us and we need to think of the rest of the family.

I work in a role where I see many patients a day. I get asked at least 2-3x a week if I have children and then asked why not etc. I have no choice but to carry on smiling and pretending I’m fine then. I’ve managed it for the past 6 months or so. I’m just not sure I can do it anymore. I feel like I’m breaking. I actually almost regret marrying my husband because it’s my infertility that’s caused this. He could have children with someone else. Now his family are angry at him because of this. Just because we just want some time away from the constant barrage of happy families and children. Quite frankly we just want to sit and get drunk and eat a load of crap and play stupid games by ourselves without the reminder of what we don’t and will never have.

Sorry this was actually just a bit of an incoherent rant. I know I’m being unreasonable. I know we’ll end up going along with it all because it’s not worth the fallout if we don’t.

You are not unreasonable. I was in a similar position (but single too) and I bailed as soon as I could. Now the next generation are having kids and it’s more than I can bear so I’m “spending it with friends” aka at home on my own with nice food and good books. I’d squirrel yourselves away and ignore them.

You are a thousand percent not being unreasonable.

I understand not telling them about how you are feeling - but is it possible to tell one sympathetic person who can tell everyone else to pipe down and let you do what you want.

Could you book a holiday? A little log cabin somewhere? Make up (?) old friends that you're visiting and spend Christmas how you want. It's grief.

I hope you have some support IRL 💐

I think it maybe healing for you to actually be honest and tell people.

If they understand the extent of your trauma they may be more sympathetic

It sounds like you could do it a break.

Would you consider going away for some Winter sun this Christmas? You can do it annually if needed.

It's probably all very raw right now and if you think it's too much right now, do what's best for you.

Just coming in with a big hug, and you are certainly not being unreasonable.

I absolutely would sit this one out. You can 100% just think of yourselves and what you need. Don’t worry about anyone else. Ignore your MIL - she will get over it. Do what’s right for you. Eat and drink and wallow if you want too but don’t go and pretend you’re okay.

You are NOT unreasonable, not even the tiniest bit. You sound an incredibly thoughtful and kind person who has been through something truly awful. Please please protect your peace and do Christmas the way you want to this year!

You and your husband are grieving and your privacy and feelings should be absolutely respected. Sending love x

Your MIL is a bitch - but that may be a wider issue. Put your foot down this year. You may feel differently next year, but you're adults, you're not obliged to go to in laws at Christmas just because they want you to.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all.

In fact, I think women (and men tbh) in your situation are the 21st century equivalent of unmarried women of marriageable age in Victorian or Edwardian times. Fuck ‘em. Why should you have to apologize or bit your tonight must because you’re unlike the “standard”? You’re not “unstandard”. Why should you have to minimize yourself? Why doesn’t everyone else just pipe down with their perceived superiority? My DD’s and any granddaughters’ generations will hopefully never have to go through the double/triple distress you’re dealing with through no fault of your own.

I’d be asking DH to tell his mum that neither of you can face a child-centric Christmas this year for various reasons, and to please show some consideration and kindness and accept you’ll come to one or two things because you want to see people but not all of them.

I was very lucky - in the end - but I remember those feelings. If my MIL had said those words I don’t think I would ever have spoken to her again.

Do your own thing - and DH needs to speak to his DM.

I feel for you Op. We do not have children, and I have been you in past years, with a MIL whose favourite phrase seemed to be ‘ next year Dearg will have finally given me a grandchild’. Indeed she was a bitch.

I agree with ducking out and doing your own thing. Book a holiday; or stay at home. Do what you feel like doing.

Your DH needs to deal with his mother. You need to focus on yourselves and what helps you through this. It does get easier but you have to put yourself first sometimes. Hugs for you both.

You have absolutely every right to sit this out. Your MIL is being completely unreasonable. My BF had 12 losses in her journey and is child free. Understandly, it took a long time and lots of work for her and her partner to reconcile with their situation. You have to look after yourselves. Let your DH deal with his family and any fall out. Protect your peace and speak to those you have around you who know. It's so hard to see someone go through this and I can't begin to imagine how you feel. Sometimes, sitting at home having wine and choc is what you need. Do it.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. It sounds like you need to step away from this for the sake of your mental health. I would just say you’ve had a really hard year and need a quiet one at home. Agree to a single thing if you feel you must to keep the peace. But don’t if you don’t feel up to it. If they don’t like it? Fuck ‘em. Honestly. You sound like you’ve had an awful time and so much to come to terms with. Focus on you as a couple.

Can you book and go away? Just say it’s to good a deal to miss?

or your dh tells his mother the truth, you are both battered by what’s happened and coming to terms with it and simply want to be on your own

just refuse invites and stay away

Not unreasonable as it is the first Christmas since you reached the end of the road, as you describe it.

Your MIL sounds unpleasant - I dislike it when people try to manipulate others by throwing out the comment “it’s not about you”. Frankly your MIL should be more sympathetic. I know you say you don’t want sympathy, but your MIL should learn to have a bit of empathy and sensitivity for her own son and DIL. I can 100% see why you would want to sit it out, and I think you should. You have nothing to feel guilty about. If your in-laws don’t like it, we’ll it’s tough. It’s not them that have been through the mill like you have. They aren’t considering your feelings in all of this, time to not think about theirs.

You absolutely should sit this one out, it's not even like you would be going to a nice family, your mil sounds like a total cunt. Do not let her guilt you. In fact tell her you are going on holiday so you get a break from them a few days before and after too

Absolutely not unreasonable. Tell them you're away (even if you're not!) and you'll catch up with them another time. Send Xmas presents in advance (if you really want to!). Have a peaceful christmas OP x

OP it’s ok to put boundaries in. Your H can tell his parents and you tell yours. Just a quick “we have had a really really tough year and don’t have the emotional energy for socialising this year I’m sure you understand” will suffice. What they chose to do this this information is their decision, release the responsibility and let them do what they like

You're not being at all unreasonable. You and DH should absolutely do your own thing and not have one ounce of guilt or obligation to anyone else. You need this time together. You need to protect your hearts that are feeling fragile at the moment. So stay home, get drunk in your pj's, cuddle up and look after each other! Fuck his family and anyone else who doesn't get it. Sending hugs 💐

Oh OP my heart is hurting for you. You are definitely right to sit this year out and have some quiet time to yourself. Your DH needs to have a word with MIL and make it clear that the subject isn't up for debate. I realise this won't be easy for him as he will be suffering too.See only the people who make your lives a little better.

I'm so sorry, OP, it is very very hard on you and your DH and you are fully not unreasonable for wanting to stay by yourselves this christmas.

Be kind to yourselves, do what you want to do, eat what you want to eat etc etc. And if you want to cry, cry. As much as you need.

I'll echo pp: if possible tell one person that you trust who can just keep everyone else - esp MIL - off your backs.

Huge hugs. Do what you need to do!

Duck out and let DH have a straight talk with MIL about you both needing to withdraw and recover for as long as it takes.

Perhaps some winter holidays for future years x x

Oh no, I’m so sorry you’ve contracted Covid just a day or two before Christmas 😉
I think you guys need to sit this one out and do what you want to do this Christmas … id be inclined to FO somewhere and do what suits me (you!)

I get asked at least 2-3x a week if I have children and then asked why not etc.

FFS. I wish everybody would stop doing this. I can forgive the "Do you have children?" comment because it's making conversation but I don't ask people this either because usually if they do, they will mention their children at some point in the conversation anyway. But people asking "Why?" when you've said no, that's unforgiveable really. Why are people so insensitive? Surely everyone with half a brain cell knows that many people have struggles with infertility and that might be the reason they don't have children or there could be any number of other reasons.

And as to the rest of your post. OP, yanbu to stay at home at Christmas doing whatever you want. Your husband doesn't want to go to the family events either so you should just say you aren't going this year and stick to it.
If they don't like it, tough.

You need to grieve the loss of the family you wanted to have. It is a loss and it is grief that you are experiencing and it's an awful thing. You need some quiet time to begin to process it, not being surrounded by other people's kids and expected to have a jolly old time.