To drop out of all in laws Christmas events this year?

[RoundLolly]

I know I’m being unreasonable to be honest but I just don’t think I can cope right now with anymore happy family events.

Back story is my husband and I have been trying to have children for years. It hasn’t happened. We’ve pretty much broke ourselves emotionally and financially going through IVF and had multiple losses. We reached the end of the road in the summer and are coming to terms with the fact we won’t ever be parents. We’ve both done pretty well at pretending it’s all fine to friends and family. I know that’s partly our fault for not saying how we really feel etc, but quite honestly we don’t want sympathy. We don’t want people feeling sorry for us. Giving us endless tales of their sisters hairdresser who conceived twins at 48 etc. So we just smile along and say oh well etc.

The main issue is everyone in my husbands family have kids. In fact his brother has recently announced his very very new girlfriend (been together 4 months) is accidentally pregnant.

So at Christmas due to the many many grandkids and extended family kids, all the parties and gatherings are very child centric. Which is quite right. But we just don’t want to go. We’ve done really well the last few months at going to all birthday parties and smiling along and pretending we’re all fine. But we’re not. I just don’t think I can manage a whole Christmas period of pretending I’m fine. My husband tried to hint to his mother that we might sit this year out and just stay home by ourselves and she got really angry. Saying we’re “ruining the family” and we need to grow up. Telling us everything isn’t about us and we need to think of the rest of the family.

I work in a role where I see many patients a day. I get asked at least 2-3x a week if I have children and then asked why not etc. I have no choice but to carry on smiling and pretending I’m fine then. I’ve managed it for the past 6 months or so. I’m just not sure I can do it anymore. I feel like I’m breaking. I actually almost regret marrying my husband because it’s my infertility that’s caused this. He could have children with someone else. Now his family are angry at him because of this. Just because we just want some time away from the constant barrage of happy families and children. Quite frankly we just want to sit and get drunk and eat a load of crap and play stupid games by ourselves without the reminder of what we don’t and will never have.

Sorry this was actually just a bit of an incoherent rant. I know I’m being unreasonable. I know we’ll end up going along with it all because it’s not worth the fallout if we don’t.

You're not being unreasonable at all. His mum is being super unreasonable, even if you didn't want to attend for no other reason than you simply wanted Christmas just the two of you, that would be fine. The idea that you're ‘ruining’ things is ridiculous. You’re both adults, with your own lives, you're not obligated to spend every Christmas with family and if that's the expectation, then I think this will be a good boundary-setting opportunity too.

Sit this one out and enjoy a no-pressure Christmas pleasing yourselves as a couple.

You are NBU at all. I wonder if your MIL is one of those people who can’t bear a hint of self pity ( and I’m not saying you’re being self pitying either although you’d be perfectly within your rights to wonder why you)

she is maybe thinking you are the sort of people who grudge other people their happiness and she seems to be imagining “the family “ as an amorphous blob where all individuals are subsumed for the greater good.

I still think her response to your reasonable request was a bit unhinged so I’d stop making them. No gentle hints, no requests for understanding, that’s obviously not forthcoming. Just make yourselves unavailable. You’re spending Christmas with a couple of dear, imaginary friends this year, can’t attend the family shebang but have a lovely time! Then do what you want.

Not unreasonable at all. I would have lost my shit at the point where your mil got angry and it would have all poured out. You’ve done really well keeping your cool throughout all this.

DP will have to be straight with her. She’ll have to get over it. She sounds like an insensitive cow. You both must prioritise your mental health. Even if it’s just for this year.

There should be some sort of public service announcement telling people not to ask women why they don’t have children. People really don’t think sometimes 😡

I'm so sorry, OP. You're not unreasonable. As others have said, you're essentially grieving, and it's not them, it's you (two). Maybe you'll feel different in future years, but maybe not. No-one knows at this point in time. You need to do what's right for you this year. It's been tough, and never more than now.
Are there any members of the extended family likely to understand, whom you can confide in, someone who will have your back when the family get together (without you)?

Another vote for sitting this one out, especially as your MIL is obviously such a complete bitch. You are using all your energy getting through this (and you will get through it, in time), and you just don’t have any to spare on that performance this year.

I have to ask clients if they have children. I tend to just say “is it the two of you?” I can’t even bear to be so crass as to outright say “do you have children” and I genuinely need to know for professional reasons. Can’t believe how crass people are to use this topic as one for inane chatter 🙄🙄

My heart goes out to you OP. It is so tough- and so difficult to get those with no experience of fertility issues to understand. It is so disappointing that MIL is completely devoid of any sensitivity whatsoever. You have clearly had a really tough year and it is completely a case of ‘you do you’ over Christmas etc.
Your DH needs to just state that you will
not be joining this year as you both need time to relax on your own - no suggesting, no apology. You are not being unreasonable at all.

Def need to prioritise yourself & get through Christmas however you want. Worst case tell insensitive MIL that you have covid on the day & wouldn't want to risk the health of the family!

Not unreasonable but for your own sanity you need to explain why. If people can’t empathize that is their problem

The only person being unreasonable (+ insensitive and maybe cruel) is your MIL. No point in discussing again.
Don't go, confirm in writing to hosts if appropriate (no further explanation needed) , and give yourselves time to heal.
And its ok to make yo ur own traditions - its ridiculous yo u are being pressured to go to kid centred events if you don't want to! Sounds like You've done more than your share already this year!

You shouldn’t have to but I would have just lied and said we’re going on holiday or staying in a posh hotel over the Christmas dates.

Oh yes I always feel like going to an event where the person who supposedly wants me there informs me that ‘it’s not about you’.

Do what will let you have an actual break from all this. I hope the pain eases.

IT IS ABOUT YOU. AND THAT IS OK

Sorry to shout but your MIL is so out of line and just plain wrong.

please take the time and space you need to do whatever you and DH need to do. If your MIL has a problem with that she is not worth your time or consideration.

If you can, consider messaging another member of the family that you feel is thoughful and considerate and give then a brief explanantion of why you are doing Xmas on your own this year (and I strongly suggest you book a sunny holiday somewhere awesome) and ask them to manage the wider family and let everyone know you dont want to discuss it with anyone.

sending you big hugs

I think hubby needs to spell it out to his mum rather than hint, no, you're not ruining anything, you are both doing what you both need to do right now to protect yourselves. If she doesn't understand that then she's unreasonable.

OP, please don't feel pressured and just stick to what you both want to do. Sending hugs and I hope you have a peaceful Christmas.

Just wanted to say how sorry I am, OP. Life can be incredibly cruel and you should feel no guilt in doing exactly what you need to do to process your grief.
If your MIL can’t understand that, it’s a her problem and shame on her.
If you can afford to, go on holiday - as far away as humanly possible. Eat, drink, relax and create your own Christmas memories.

My heart goes out to you and to your DH, and you are one million per cent not being unreasonable.

Right?! Imagine deriving satisfaction from knowing that the people there are there because they know you’ll kick off if they don’t go. Fa la la bloody la.

If push comes to shove you could both catch this awful flu that’s going round? Wouldn’t want to risk seeing anyone and passing it on cough cough

Not only would I sit out the family festivities I would do it with a massive feck off to DMIL for her awful emotional manipulation when DH hinted about not attending. It doesn't matter your reasons, you can do what you want and I would be livid at her reaction

If it's not too late, could you book a nice trip somewhere?

You are absolutely not unreasonable, in any way.

People have been in this situation for years, when being married and having children was far more common.

You will have to adapt. Face the music and crack on. Otherwise it will become more difficult. You fall off a horse, you get straight back on. I bet you walk past loads of children each day.

His family are not your enemy.

The Op didn’t say the family was their enemy.

She wants a year off and MIL responded like they had shat over the Christmas tree.

It’s fine for the Op and husband to make choices for themselves.

The rest of the family can celebrate Christmas as normal because that’s what suits them.

Oh ffs. They're at the end of the road and OP has the right to sit this one out. Actually she can do what she wants to for christmas. His mum needs to get over herself. My dh uncle who is childfree never comes around on christmas because he hates it. He comes around a few days later which is absolutely fine. Well, Mil was livid the first christmas but since he stuck to his boundaries she's gotten used to it.
Do what you want/need to feel OK @RoundLolly.

You are not being unreasonable in the slightest. Your MIL is totally, utterly unreasonable. I never understand how people can get actually angry about what other people chose to do/not do. My own family are the same to me in different, but also reasonable, circumstances. It baffles me every time. You have the full support of this internet stranger-I hope you have a peaceful Christmas.

So at Christmas due to the many many grandkids and extended family kids, all the parties and gatherings are very child centric. Which is quite right. But we just don’t want to go Completely understandable. Not seeing a single thing wrong with that.

My husband tried to hint to his mother that we might sit this year out and just stay home by ourselves and she got really angry. Saying we’re “ruining the family” and we need to grow up She’s getting angry at the thought that one of her adult children might not be eating lunch with her, and she’s telling you to grow up? Riiight. I don’t think you need to say anything further to be honest. I’d consider that as her formal notification that you aren’t going to be there. Send a text at 9am Christmas Day, wishing everyone a lovely day and telling them that you’ll see them in the new year. And then switch your phones off.

Telling us everything isn’t about us and we need to think of the rest of the family Fucking stupid woman. Of course it’s all about you. It’s your life. If your life isn’t all about you, then something has gone very badly wrong.

Now his family are angry at him because of this. Just because we just want some time away from the constant barrage of happy families and children So what? Let them be angry. Who cares? It’s their problem, not yours. You won’t even be there so what does it matter to you if some horrible people are angry that you aren’t playing your normal role. Fuck them.

Quite frankly we just want to sit and get drunk and eat a load of crap and play stupid games by ourselves without the reminder of what we don’t and will never have Then that’s what will be happening. Problem solved. It’s sorted. The only thing you need to do now is decide what you want to eat and what you want to drink.