To drop out of all in laws Christmas events this year?

[RoundLolly]

I know I’m being unreasonable to be honest but I just don’t think I can cope right now with anymore happy family events.

Back story is my husband and I have been trying to have children for years. It hasn’t happened. We’ve pretty much broke ourselves emotionally and financially going through IVF and had multiple losses. We reached the end of the road in the summer and are coming to terms with the fact we won’t ever be parents. We’ve both done pretty well at pretending it’s all fine to friends and family. I know that’s partly our fault for not saying how we really feel etc, but quite honestly we don’t want sympathy. We don’t want people feeling sorry for us. Giving us endless tales of their sisters hairdresser who conceived twins at 48 etc. So we just smile along and say oh well etc.

The main issue is everyone in my husbands family have kids. In fact his brother has recently announced his very very new girlfriend (been together 4 months) is accidentally pregnant.

So at Christmas due to the many many grandkids and extended family kids, all the parties and gatherings are very child centric. Which is quite right. But we just don’t want to go. We’ve done really well the last few months at going to all birthday parties and smiling along and pretending we’re all fine. But we’re not. I just don’t think I can manage a whole Christmas period of pretending I’m fine. My husband tried to hint to his mother that we might sit this year out and just stay home by ourselves and she got really angry. Saying we’re “ruining the family” and we need to grow up. Telling us everything isn’t about us and we need to think of the rest of the family.

I work in a role where I see many patients a day. I get asked at least 2-3x a week if I have children and then asked why not etc. I have no choice but to carry on smiling and pretending I’m fine then. I’ve managed it for the past 6 months or so. I’m just not sure I can do it anymore. I feel like I’m breaking. I actually almost regret marrying my husband because it’s my infertility that’s caused this. He could have children with someone else. Now his family are angry at him because of this. Just because we just want some time away from the constant barrage of happy families and children. Quite frankly we just want to sit and get drunk and eat a load of crap and play stupid games by ourselves without the reminder of what we don’t and will never have.

Sorry this was actually just a bit of an incoherent rant. I know I’m being unreasonable. I know we’ll end up going along with it all because it’s not worth the fallout if we don’t.

maybe true, but Xmas is probably not the best time to do it. Esp with that ott mil.

op 100% yanbu btw

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable. I would just say Im sorry we have had a very tough couple of years, we did deal with it as best we could but it is tough, we are going to stay home this year as both of us are feeling quite sad with Christmas I know you will all understand.

However if its easier for you then wake up Christmas eve with really bad flu (sorry I know its awful to pretend to be sick and I would never condone it usually but I feel it is totally 100% warranted in this case) say you are too unwell to go anywhere except your bed and dont want to pass it on etc. Yourself and DH have a big stash of food, drinks, games and movies at home. Stay in pyjamas all day or get dressed up, eat, drink and be merry xxxx

I do want to say I am so terribly sorry for what you have been and are currently going through. Please be really kind to yourself. When you get back on your feet financially, go for a nice holiday together 💗 your husbad chose you not anyone else and I am sure he loves you dearly xx

OP, you need to do what you need to do this holiday.

Perhaps his family, or at least his mum, do require a bit of an explanation as to why you're not coming as from their side they (presumably) have no idea - is now the time to rip the plaster off and explain the hard time you've been going through with fertility? It may stop the future questioning too x

I have absolutely been where you are OP and I know it’s so hard. One year, we were due a baby just before Christmas that we lost. We went to New York that Christmas because it felt like that would be the kind of place that people would understand wanting to go to for actual Christmas Day if that makes sense? Our families were upset but understood. I agree with other people though that if you can’t get away I would just say you’re ill. You absolutely have to put yourself first. There will be other Christmas days when it won’t hurt this much and you’ll be able to spend them with family, but not this year.

Make this Christmas all about you. You need to.

Firstly I want to send you a huge virtual moral support hug. You don’t have to keep going for other people, and you’re allowed to grieve for what you’ve been through, and what isn’t to be

I actually think it would be completely understandable and fair if you didn’t want to go to a very child-centric family Christmas every year anyway. It’s unreasonable for your mil to expect this of you and your DH even not knowing the whole picture

In fairness to her, she doesn’t know the whole picture, and I think your DH probably does need to say something to at least give her the opportunity to be a better person and show you some grace (it sounds like maybe she just wants to control the day and what everyone is doing?)

Ultimately, it seems most important that you are kind and gentle to yourselves. Give yourselves the permission to do what you need this year, and if that looks like a nice quiet Christmas by yourselves, then that’s absolutely what you should do xx

You are not unreasonable at all.

Consider this. In many families there is an expectation that all the adult children (and partners) will dutifully trot to the parent/s for Christmas, alternating parents and parents in law each year - whether they actually want to go or not.

There usually comes a time when one set of adult children finally makes a break and ‘can’t’ go - I remember the first Xmas my husband and I stayed at home instead of traipsing through holiday traffic etc. it felt as though some ancient law had been broken! But once it’s done, it feels like magic, you can finally be the adults you are and actually choose where you want to spend Christmas.

Your MIL is unreasonable. If all the rest of her adult children dutifully turn up with their children, it sounds like she won’t allow anyone to not attend.

You and your husband need to be very strong and sit this one out. It’s possible that not everyone really wants to be there, but no one feels they have a strong enough reason to defy the MIL. You could be setting a precedent, and the harbinger of everyone (except the MIL) actually enjoying their Christmas by doing what they really want ! Your MIL won’t die if she doesn’t have ALL her descendants under one roof!

The fall-out you fear, may only be restricted to her. See this as setting yourself free not only this year but every Xmas in the future. I’m a MIL, and it is lovely to host, but times change and you can’t expect things to stay the same forever.

Im am so sorry for your infertility problems, but I want to say that you don’t even need ANY reason at all to want to dip out, this year or any.

If the pressure is just too much, then I’d advise to be very, very ill just before, during and after Christmas. If you are just planning on spending time at home, it’s not as if social media will catch you out.

Not at all unreasonable. Stay home and have your time together. It might help for him to privately tell his mother that you are both actually really struggling and need space, but she sounds pretty selfish so she might not be the best at actually understanding that. But do what is right for you as a couple and just take a break from it this year

Sending you a virtual handhold and hug. I remember the treatment, the failures, and the air of sadness and despair in the waiting rooms. I was lucky in the end, I know how blessed I am. I too was the one with the fertility issues, I completely understand the guilt.

Thankfully my MIL has always been kind and never intrusive; I’m sorry your in-laws are less supportive. You deserve better.

Sadly, we are in the midst of a flu pandemic, and it sounds like you are frontline NHS…
Do you think you may be coming down with something in the not too distant future (say around the 22/23 December?). Being the kind and generous people you are, it would actually be selfish to socialise and risk spreading the virus.

Book a holiday if you can, you deserve it xx

Yeah I would definitely wait with telling anyone. In this situation I would much rather have had the rest of the family think I was childless by choice because I'd rather have their jealousy/disapproval than their pity - maybe that's not very nice of me but there it is. Her inlaws at least don't seem like the kind of people who would shower her with loving sympathy.

I wish I had seen this a few weeks ago. My heart goes out to you and I strongly relate and empathise.

I was struggling to conceive and got diagnosed with stage 3 endometriosis, found out in the midst of this that my brother in law’s 45 year old gf - they’ve been dating for 2 months - is pregnant (big shock & drama for my DH’s husband family as it’s a big cultural shame to have a baby out of marriage and I was pulled into it).

Had that drama unfolding in the background whilst having surgery and IVF and intense grief - it feels like an animal primal pain - that I might not be able to have children. I was that person crying if I even stopped to sit down for a few weeks whilst I worked through it. Im better now but I’m not able to face being around them on Christmas Day. The feeling like I haven’t been able to provide grandchildren and then being with my brother in law and his now heavily pregnant. It was the timing of this pregnancy relative to my journey and the shock/drama that allowed everything I had been trying not to feel to escape and it still stirs up those feelings. I’m going to my family.

You have to protect yourself OP. It’s a completely insensitive response from your in laws, in fact it’s frankly cruel. I’m really glad your DH is on side and to me it suggests he wouldn’t have his life any other way if it meant not having you. You’ve been through so much and your instinct to stay away and your protect yourself is entirely correct, reasonable, understandable and justified xxxx