To drop out of all in laws Christmas events this year?

[RoundLolly]

I know I’m being unreasonable to be honest but I just don’t think I can cope right now with anymore happy family events.

Back story is my husband and I have been trying to have children for years. It hasn’t happened. We’ve pretty much broke ourselves emotionally and financially going through IVF and had multiple losses. We reached the end of the road in the summer and are coming to terms with the fact we won’t ever be parents. We’ve both done pretty well at pretending it’s all fine to friends and family. I know that’s partly our fault for not saying how we really feel etc, but quite honestly we don’t want sympathy. We don’t want people feeling sorry for us. Giving us endless tales of their sisters hairdresser who conceived twins at 48 etc. So we just smile along and say oh well etc.

The main issue is everyone in my husbands family have kids. In fact his brother has recently announced his very very new girlfriend (been together 4 months) is accidentally pregnant.

So at Christmas due to the many many grandkids and extended family kids, all the parties and gatherings are very child centric. Which is quite right. But we just don’t want to go. We’ve done really well the last few months at going to all birthday parties and smiling along and pretending we’re all fine. But we’re not. I just don’t think I can manage a whole Christmas period of pretending I’m fine. My husband tried to hint to his mother that we might sit this year out and just stay home by ourselves and she got really angry. Saying we’re “ruining the family” and we need to grow up. Telling us everything isn’t about us and we need to think of the rest of the family.

I work in a role where I see many patients a day. I get asked at least 2-3x a week if I have children and then asked why not etc. I have no choice but to carry on smiling and pretending I’m fine then. I’ve managed it for the past 6 months or so. I’m just not sure I can do it anymore. I feel like I’m breaking. I actually almost regret marrying my husband because it’s my infertility that’s caused this. He could have children with someone else. Now his family are angry at him because of this. Just because we just want some time away from the constant barrage of happy families and children. Quite frankly we just want to sit and get drunk and eat a load of crap and play stupid games by ourselves without the reminder of what we don’t and will never have.

Sorry this was actually just a bit of an incoherent rant. I know I’m being unreasonable. I know we’ll end up going along with it all because it’s not worth the fallout if we don’t.

I'm so sorry, YANBU at all. My only addition would be to firmly tell/text MIL and BIL the bald truth that you have 'run out of money and energy for IVF' and it's too painful to be around kids. That might stop them accusing you of being selfish and the money hurdle stops the unhelpful 'have you tried' and 'just relax' comments, unless any of them likely to cough up a few thousand for your Xmas gift.

As the explanation pre christmas is too much, agree to going along. Shame you've come down with d&v on christmas eve. Enjoy a peaceful christmas doing whatever brings you comfort.

Well it is his family so he can chose what he wants to do and he can tell them that it is on him what he decides

Yanbu in your feelings but you can't isolate yourself from everyone who is having a baby/has kids. I say this as knowing only too well and had to my big girl pants on for those few occasions.

Having tried IVF for 10 years and failed, going to spend Christmas with my in laws, SIL was heavily pregnant with her 4th child from a 4th different Dad at age 24. It hurt, such robust and unplanned fertility in my face, as with younger friends who had 'accidents' and got pregnant. It feels like a kick when you're down and cry walking g down the baby aisles to buy presents for them.

However, we drew a line under it, it wasnt meant to be, had a couple of years for us, then decided to adopt. It was very straightforward and we were blessed with a young child who is our world and we theirs.

I look back at the pain and bitterness I felt and it wasn't fair to project but valid. Sometimes fate works it's way, we were meant to have this little soul to nurture, to be able to give them a good life, take them out of the foster system.

It takes time to realise we all have our different challenges and paths to follow and it really isn't tje end of the world. While it's happening we become consumed but it won't ways be that way.

Yanbu but please give yourself some grace and know there is still so much hope. Xxx

Oh OP I’m sorry to read this. You are not being unreasonable at all!!! I bet all this masking is exhausting in itself. Plus the toll on your body.

stay home. Someone mentioned about telling one person who can then share with others and tell everyone to shut up.

i like the idea of going away. But you may just want to be in your own home.

sending love ❤️

Even if this wasnt all going on, youre quite within your right to want a Christmas by yourselves! Your mil needs to calm down. Just be firm but honest and she’ll calm down and hopefully understand how awful this is for you.

I agree and they might be too awkward to talk about it anyway.

Sorry, meant to add...
We knew our families cared and if we said we weren't coming because we needed time to ourselves they would have completely understood and been loving.

In your case, please ignore my comment about facing it head on, as they clearly don't have the same empathy. They will get over it and hopefully realise how selfish they are being or if not, that's on them and their lack of compassion.

Meanwhile, hugs and love, it's a cruel and harsh time but you will get through it. Please feel free to pm me, I know how overwhelming and obsessive it can be. Xxx

Are you the MIL? This is insensitive and there’s no need to be unkind and dismissive.

OP, over the last 40 years, I have known people to suffer such a burden, it is very hard and a grieving process is crucial to go through, to get to acceptance.
They all either went away, took a leave of absence etc., or took time from family because they needed space.

His mother sounds like a piece of work.
Do it.

Totally reasonable. I totally see where you are coming from, no need to feel bad or make yourself do something you don't want to do. After the 3 rounds of IVF that l had, l have a world of sympathy for people with fertility issues. I have no sympathy for your MIL

I’m really sorry, Christmas is a shit time of year when you’ve struggled with infertility, look after yourselves and let everyone else FRO.

Have your own lovely very special Christmas together. It's no one else's business but you and your DH's. Just say neither of you are coming this year as you are doing something special together. Do exactly what you both want either staying at home or going away. MIL can be as awful as she wants, that is up to her and everyone else.

I'd do the same for NY as well. I wish you both all the best for the rest of your lives together.

I’m so sorry OP and I can completely understand why you must be feeling this way.
Please put yourselves first and do what you need to do to protect your own hearts of it’s all feeling a bit raw.
Sending you love x

I would be the same as you. Put your needs first and duck out x

We both just need a quiet christmas this year - this is us doing what we need to do, and not a reflection of how much we are about anyone else. We'll see you all soon.

Your MIL is an insensitive and horrible person. She will have a house full of her children and grandchildren so it's hardly as though she will be on her own at Christmas.

You should carry on refusing to go and massively reduce any contact you have with your MIL. How dare she try to bully and guilt her grieving son and DIL into coming for Christmas by telling you that you are ruining the family and that you should think of other people. She is a stone cold bitch and I'd probably refuse to see or speak to her ever again.

Will you be seeing your family?

Couldn’t you invite his parents out for a meal or something instead? It’s understandable that you want to avoid the child centred gatherings, but it seems very mean not to make the effort to see his parents.

You really need to put yourself first . Your MIL will get over it or she won't who cares she is not whats important here . You need to allow yourself time to come to terms with what you have lost .take care x

I recall feeling like this, albeit different, in that i had one child but was diagnosed with a chronic illness when trying for a second. Everyone was having another baby! "A baby brother or sister for their first,' it was incredibly isolating, the only way I coped was giving it time, making a new circle of friends who had the same illness as me, and all had just the one child. I'm not trying to minimise the difference between having one and having gone through the rigours of IVF but about the loss of your hopes/dreams. You need time to grieve and some of that I would say based on my experience is stepping back from those situations where its in your face. I promise you, it won't be forever, but forget putting on a face now, and allow yourself to grieve your loss. Including pushing right back (ideally together if possible) to your MIL, she sounds insensitive and a bit of a bully.

If you have the money I would get yourself down to Trailfinders or similar and ask them to book you the fanciest holiday they can find you at short notice. Your MIL can be as angry as she likes, you won't be able to hear her over the sound of the waves crashing onto the shores of the turquiose blue eastern Aegean.

I 100% hope that you and dh don’t go and do exactly what you both want to do. You are definitely not being unreasonable!
if you have to - sickness and Diarrhoea bug - it’s about the ONLY thing they’ll just go “ok, don’t come near”.
I am so sorry you’re struggling with fertility issues, Be kind to yourself, and look after each other x Sending you a virtual hug x

op you sound so drained, wrung out and need time to heal.

I wouldn’t start an inevitable family row, it doesn’t sound like you have the energy for it. I would say you are excited to see them, make plans and then both pull out at the last l minute with flu. You can have two weeks of pure relaxation and quiet time then.

Op you both need counselling. A ton of therapy to work through the pain. This is huge for you both, and definitely not selfish.

Plan a lovely trip with dh in the new year. An adults only holiday somewhere gorgeous. Start planning things to look forward to when you feel up to it,

Your dh family sound incredibly unkind and insensitive. No one should need to spell out how difficult this is. I hope your dh can let them be angry etc and still look after you both. His family have way too much input on your lives and that needs to change.

I know this is going to sound patronising, but needed to send hugs - feel every word and just how hard it is.

I’m not someone who believes in ‘sitting in’ the feeling of life being unfair, but this really is life being cruel and you are allowed to feel that - have your space, catch your breath, no matter how long or how many xmases it takes.

You do you. You need to. And anyone worth being in your life will be there when you are ready.

Sending love and lots of happiness your way.

Sorry op I hit the wrong voting button. You are not being unreasonable.