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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If she makes even one wrong move, you know where to find me. AIBU?

117 replies

hinchleye · 07/12/2025 19:06

I attended my dp's work christmas party. He has a colleague who he's worked with for a few years and has admitted that he finds her attractive. To be fair to him, this only came up during banter/ a game with friends. She is single and very attractive. Clearly has the hots for DP.

When at the Christmas party, people got very drunk. I don't drink. DP's work colleague didn't realise I could hear what she was saying, but she told DP that "if she makes even one wrong move, you know where to find me".

I asked DP what this meant. He said that they were joking that on paper and in another universe they would have been married. AIBU to think WTF?

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 08/12/2025 16:02

Given that he didnt shut her down right away, yeah you need to consider the future. Any man who lets that shit fly is not a man you can risk betting your future on.

Pusstachio · 08/12/2025 16:02

Urgh there was a woman at my ExH’s new job I always had a funny feeling about and they had an affair while our two children were very young, went on to have a child with her and then he cheated on her with someone at his next new job! He’s now moved in with her and I suppose all she can do is hope he stays at the same business…

Lavender14 · 08/12/2025 16:03

I would be sitting him down in the cold light of day and giving him a come to Jesus talk and explaining that not only was her comment wholly unacceptable, the fact he's allowed her to feel comfortable making it and didn't immediately call her out and shut it down has now created an issue in your marriage as that was disrespectful of him not to defend his wife and family. I'd be asking him to seriously consider if he wants to stay married or not and that he needs to shut the relationship with her down completely now and quite frankly I'd be expecting him to start looking for a new workplace since he can't be trusted to operate respectfully and loyally around this woman. And obviously she has no reason to stop what she is at.

I would have watched his reaction and then called her out on the night if he didn't step in. He is the problem here not her and he needs to take responsibility.

Doteycat · 08/12/2025 16:03

Only one answer to that.
Well in this universe we are done.

LemonDrizzleKay · 08/12/2025 16:15

If it truly is banter he is just humouring her. She sounds insufferable. And entitled. Used to all the men fancying her because she is “attractive”. Well attractiveness is subjective and she sounds quite ugly and jealous.

I would tell him that what she said made you uncomfortable and then see if he puts your mind at rest. if he doesn’t come back on here and the MN amazons will give you further guidance.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 08/12/2025 16:18

Lavender14 · 08/12/2025 16:03

I would be sitting him down in the cold light of day and giving him a come to Jesus talk and explaining that not only was her comment wholly unacceptable, the fact he's allowed her to feel comfortable making it and didn't immediately call her out and shut it down has now created an issue in your marriage as that was disrespectful of him not to defend his wife and family. I'd be asking him to seriously consider if he wants to stay married or not and that he needs to shut the relationship with her down completely now and quite frankly I'd be expecting him to start looking for a new workplace since he can't be trusted to operate respectfully and loyally around this woman. And obviously she has no reason to stop what she is at.

I would have watched his reaction and then called her out on the night if he didn't step in. He is the problem here not her and he needs to take responsibility.

One. Hundred. Percent.

Do not underestimate the comment in the least. Regardless of alcohol, I imagine a lot more has been said when they're at work.

Her cards are on the table.

WhereYouLeftIt · 08/12/2025 16:18

"I asked DP what this meant. He said that they were joking that on paper and in another universe they would have been married."
Joking? Did anybody laugh? No?

I'd be sitting him down for The Talk. Pointing out that they're not in another Universe, they're in this one. Pointing out that her behaviour is one thing, but his behaviour is quite another because it impacts on you. That their working relationship seems to be such that she feels there is no social danger in making such a comment to him and why would that be? Has he been receptive to her sober comments?

I'd be expecting him to take this incident seriously, and put his relationship with this colleague onto a purely professional basis. And yes, that would include telling her that her comment at the party crossed a line and that she should back off. Any reluctance on his part and I'd be reassessing whether my marriage is as strong as I had once thought.

Happyjoe · 08/12/2025 16:18

WasthatwrongIfeelmeannow · 07/12/2025 19:46

Of course. Pretty pointless as a response here though

Show quote history

In your view. I found it to be a good response and I shared the sentiment. So, best not talk for everyone?

BruhWhy · 08/12/2025 16:19

Well, it can be this universe once you've dumped his shitty arse.

Honestly, this would end my relationship if I heard DH have this conversation with another person. He's literally publicly pining for another woman. To her face. With you standing nearby. That's fucking humiliating and I would not be able to forgive that.

Pinkosand · 08/12/2025 16:19

He's behaved atrociously by admitting he's attracted to her and by laughing along with the comment she made to him.

If he didn't commit to finding another job and have one in a reasonable timeframe, I don't think I'd continue with the relationship. They would be the only circumstance I'd be willing to forgive this behaviour on.

Having said that, i imagine if this is how he behaves, he's not got much of a good character anyway and I'm not sure I would have chosen to be with him in the first place.

Deliberations · 08/12/2025 16:22

What @Lavender14 Said.

They were drunk - and there might be a way through this - but your partner needs the riot act reading to him and if he expects you to put up with this "banter" he's got another thing coming.

Sh'es basically left her door open for them to have an affair - so clearly wants one. He needs to shut down this work relationship immediately if he wants to stay married to you.

chipsticksmammy · 08/12/2025 16:23

Did he take you, knowing you don’t drink, to gauge your reaction?

I wouldn’t put up with that level of public humiliation.

He’s done way more with her than be hypothetical.

lifeonmars100 · 08/12/2025 16:24

Every time I feel sad and lonely because I am single I read stuff like this and it takes me back to my horrible ex husband who I intially thought would never cheat and then found out there was no barrel he would not scrape, no lie he would not tell and no devious trick he would not play to get out of paying child support. If you get even an inkling that they are pre-disposed to cheat then I would suggest you think about getting rid of them if possible

ChristmasinBrighton · 08/12/2025 16:25

How fucking dare he?!!!

lifeonmars100 · 08/12/2025 16:26

Doteycat · 08/12/2025 16:03

Only one answer to that.
Well in this universe we are done.

Brilliant response 👏

Itwasachristmasjoke · 08/12/2025 16:26

His response would be the end of the relationship for me x

WildFlowerBees · 08/12/2025 16:34

So he’s hedging his bets and has in his mind 2 women playing pick me. There’s some intimacy between them for her to even consider saying that to him. No decent partner has the ‘in another universe we’d be married’ chat.

He can have her, she doesn’t yet know what a twat he is. These men only get away with being shitty partners because women set the bar so so low.

DBD1975 · 08/12/2025 16:39

Get a pile of his scuzzy underpants and post them to her.
Seriously OP, the lack of respect for you is totally unacceptable. I am a very calm and placid person but you need to take her down, in fact you need to take the pair of them down and the sooner the better.

2catsandhappy · 08/12/2025 16:39

Whoah @hinchleye she has laid her stall out and has her eye set on your dp.

He has had boundery crossing, intimate, excluding, exploratory conversations with her.

It goes, thoughts, words, actions. He has done the first two.

I would be furious and give him the gift of freedom.

CoachNot · 08/12/2025 16:44

WhereYouLeftIt · 08/12/2025 16:18

"I asked DP what this meant. He said that they were joking that on paper and in another universe they would have been married."
Joking? Did anybody laugh? No?

I'd be sitting him down for The Talk. Pointing out that they're not in another Universe, they're in this one. Pointing out that her behaviour is one thing, but his behaviour is quite another because it impacts on you. That their working relationship seems to be such that she feels there is no social danger in making such a comment to him and why would that be? Has he been receptive to her sober comments?

I'd be expecting him to take this incident seriously, and put his relationship with this colleague onto a purely professional basis. And yes, that would include telling her that her comment at the party crossed a line and that she should back off. Any reluctance on his part and I'd be reassessing whether my marriage is as strong as I had once thought.

This exactly.
It's not 'banta'

dobbylan · 08/12/2025 16:53

Whereismyfleeceblanket · 07/12/2025 19:08

I'm very black and white.
I would have dropped his stuff in her garden by now.

Yeah, sensible because someone else said something to your partner and not them saying it.

I read some commence and I wonder if this is AI or a real person

briq · 08/12/2025 16:54

I agree with PP who say it's time for a serious discussion. This isn't okay. It's not acceptable to even joke about. Either he commits to you and your life together (and that means real changes, not just him saying he'll stop 'joking'), or he leaves, but what won't happen is ignoring it and allowing things to just meander along in the hopes of nothing progressing between them. And meanwhile I'd be taking a closer look at our relationship and deciding what I want from life and whether or not he's still the man I wanted to spend my life with, because this kind of thing has the power to destroy your respect and love for a person—and he's not the only one who could have followed a different path and ended up with someone else.

FuzzyWolf · 08/12/2025 16:56

It’s not unusual to find someone else attractive despite being happily in a long term relationship. However, most people don’t do anything about it, don’t encourage it and certainly don’t hold it over their partner to attempt to make them play the Pick Me dance.

He’s lining things up for an affair but is probably too stupid to realise that a large part of her attraction for him is because he is in a committed relationship and she needs the ego boost.

I’d be getting things sorted and ending this relationship.

TheMorgenmuffel · 08/12/2025 16:58

I think that is hugely disrespectful.

FairKoala · 08/12/2025 16:58

I would be asking for a post nup with a proviso that if he cheats then he walks away with very little