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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this man married or just totally unconventional ?

105 replies

speir · 07/12/2025 18:54

I think he is separated but living with his wife . I’d appreciate your opinion as a newbie . I signed up to Mumsnet for among other things, your thoughts and advise on this topic .

I reached out to a man who works in an area that I needed urgent advice on. He gave permission to
my friend for me to ring him, I did , he advised me and really helped. That’s was two years ago.
I have seen him
around for a couple of decades and have always found him attractive. There have been a few glances towards me back through time.
I married, divorced and am Single seven years. I did not want a relationship ever again.

I have always seen him either on his own or Ina group … male only or mixed. I’ve never seen him with a partner in any social capacity and there have been many. I assumed he was single.
He is, by all accounts , a workaholic, academic and trailblazer in his area of expertise.
he spends a lot of time in our village relaxing, engaging in pastimes , working remotely and socialising, as far as I can see.
I mostly see him when he is on his own.

I contacted him again recently , on impulse , as he was the only person I could think of that could give me urgent advice and guidance in that same area of expertise again .I took a risk in contacting him as I didn’t have his number… I just
googles his name and found an email address.
He responded immediately and was more that helpful, kind and compassionate. I appreciated it but was very
embarrassed when things settled again.

I left a note and small gift in my local corner shop for him, one I’ve seen him in on a number of occasions.
He picked it up a coupe of weeks later and emailed me straight away thanking me and asking how the other situation worked out.
Bearing in mind , that we’ve never spoken in each others company , I said that we may see each other someday as it odd to have this email and phone contact despite being in the same area for decades and we’ve never spoken.
He emailed back and said that yes we might meet soon with a smiley emoji.
again, as this was all professional etc I was a little taken aback.
Long story short seems to be that he is married !
There is absolutely no sign of his wife anywhere in person or online. He spends traditional family holidays on his own in our town despite having young adult
children and a wife that uses his surname
They live hours away..
S it just me or is this just strange ?

He is very high profile in his area of work so there are hundreds of thousands of results when his name is googled but not one photo of him and his wife or reference to her in any media interviews in the last twenty years and spending months of the year in our town on his own seems odd.

Id love your thoughts please
Thank you.

OP posts:
Maryberrysbouffant · 09/12/2025 07:57

Are you the same poster who had a thread a couple of months ago (he’s a doctor and you emailed him about your son)?

GarlicRound · 09/12/2025 08:25

@Maryberrysbouffant yes, @ditsyditherer posted the link @ 22:26 yesterday.

Partypants83 · 09/12/2025 12:56

Cherry8809 · 07/12/2025 19:19

It sounds like he’s happy to engage with you in a professional capacity, married or not.

Despite Mumsnet lore, not every couple is joined at the hip or chronically posting everything online.

I think if he were single (and most importantly, interested) he would have let you know.

This.

Milkwort · 09/12/2025 13:17

GarlicRound · 09/12/2025 06:19

I agree it's a long-running fantasy with no basis in reality. Thus far, though, it's not really any creepier or more stalkerish than my googling of whichever TV actor I've decided I like.

It has the potential to become a problem, if OP keeps trying to sidle into his life and/or asking for free professional advice. @speir, just ask him out if you want to.

If/when nothing happens, give yourself a nice treat to make up for the sadness of a fantasy come to its natural end - and find a new interest.

It’s rather more than googling a TV actor that she’s been following his local comings and goings for 20 years, has sought medical advice from him on two separate occasions (which sounds more than a bit mad — if he’s a specialist in whatever condition her ex had, it seems pretty unlikely that her son then developed a medical emergency while suffering from a condition that was also in this man’s area of specialism, especially as the OPsays the issue is that her son’s doctors ‘wouldn’t talk to her), believes she’s seen him about to approach her more than once, but turn back, then left him a present his corner shop.

I think she’s possibly asking an ENT specialist for information on a bowel condition or something.

BauhausOfEliott · 09/12/2025 13:24

Yes, this was my first thought.

OP, you are being obsessive now.

TreeDudette · 09/12/2025 13:27

I divorced and kept exH surname as by that point it felt like my name and it was a faff to change back and in my Industry I am well known by the full name. Am marrying next year and making new husband change his surname to match mine so I can keep my professional name!

BauhausOfEliott · 09/12/2025 13:27

Ponoka7 · 09/12/2025 06:13

I agree with what's being said. He isn't partner material. He's shown no indication that he is wanting a partner, or that he wants to get to know you. He only wants to chat digitally.

He doesn’t even want to chat digitally. The OP emailed him for ‘urgent’ medical advice about her son (even though she doesn’t know him) and he politely replied. That’s it.

Balkancity · 09/12/2025 13:47

All this based on some professional advice and a smiley emoji?

Some of my clients must have odd ideas about me!

toomuchfaff · 09/12/2025 13:51

Stop stalking the man. Leave him alone. Stop wondering if he is single, he has been professional and courteous to you - thats all. He hasn't flirted with you, he hasn't shown interest in you. Leave him alone.

Calliopespa · 09/12/2025 15:04

Milkwort · 09/12/2025 13:17

It’s rather more than googling a TV actor that she’s been following his local comings and goings for 20 years, has sought medical advice from him on two separate occasions (which sounds more than a bit mad — if he’s a specialist in whatever condition her ex had, it seems pretty unlikely that her son then developed a medical emergency while suffering from a condition that was also in this man’s area of specialism, especially as the OPsays the issue is that her son’s doctors ‘wouldn’t talk to her), believes she’s seen him about to approach her more than once, but turn back, then left him a present his corner shop.

I think she’s possibly asking an ENT specialist for information on a bowel condition or something.

20 years!!?? Oh OP: let it go!

Not only is it probably horrible for him if he knows this dynamic is there, you are wasting your life on a fantasy. If all you have from 20 years of this nonsense is some stats, a few glances and a smiley emoji it isn't going anywhere.

Please snap out of it and make yourself happy in Real Life.

If it helps, falling for a medical specialist, psychiatrist, counsellor etc - anyone, basically, who helps you through a tough spot - is a very common trigger for infatuation. It taps into our deep wiring that makes babies bond to their carers when in a position of helplessness.

By which I mean, this isn't driven by anything genuinely unique about him - or you actually. It's just a kind of misfire of some pretty basic biology and psychology.

JoBrandsCleaner · 09/12/2025 17:51

… sent from ifome

Ohhhthedrama · 09/12/2025 18:29

This is familiar, he's a Dr isn't he?. I don't think it matters wether he's married or not. He hasn't given any indication he's interested.

Milkwort · 09/12/2025 20:19

Balkancity · 09/12/2025 13:47

All this based on some professional advice and a smiley emoji?

Some of my clients must have odd ideas about me!

Yes. Unbeknownst to you, you’ve been giving clients the come-hither with your emojis.

NavyTurtle · 11/12/2025 13:04

speir · 07/12/2025 19:17

Just your opinion whether he’s still married or not, that’s all . I’ve been at the receiving end of married men Playing hide and seek with me , my
own ex husband for example, , so if anything were to happen I’d prefer not to spend any time Engaging and getting my hopes up .

But you said that you don't ever want a relationship ever again. Quote from above 'I married, divorced and am Single seven years. I did not want a relationship ever again.' Make your mind up.

Wordsmithery · 11/12/2025 13:55

'There is absolutely no sign of his wife anywhere in person or online. He spends traditional family holidays on his own in our town despite having young adult
children and a wife that uses his surname
They live hours away...'

I'm baffled by this. If there's no sign of his wife online, who is this wife who uses his surname? Presumably you found her online.

Either way, this obsession has to stop. You've tracked down a stranger's supposed wife and children. If this stranger found out, they'd quite rightly be terrified.

speir · 12/12/2025 15:29

Just a quick thanks for your responses .He has emailed and asked me to exchange numbers with a view to meeting up over Christmas so I’m feeling really happy and excited!

OP posts:
Tonty · 12/12/2025 16:25

I'm intrigued by @OP dropping off a gift & card in her local 'Corner shop' for said mystery man AND he picked it up a few weeks later. I've only seen this sort of setup in those lovely heart warming Xmas movies and never thought people actually live in places like that.

Sartre · 12/12/2025 16:43

I’m also an academic so actually just curious about his field and why/ how it helped you. When you said you needed help with something initially, I figured he must be a plumber or electrician, not an academic. What sort of advice did you need? Is it just a field you’re interested in and a friend recommended you reach out to him?

Sorry, that’s beside the point. I don’t really get random people contacting me that’s all, only fellow academics or potential PhD candidates. Maybe in the wrong field!

GarlicRound · 12/12/2025 17:03

She hasn't been stalking him for 20 years, @Milkwort, she's found results going back 20 years. I know more than that about Brad Pitt 😄

Remarkable that he's got back in touch. If you get your date, @speir, try not to declare undying love OR to cross-examine him!

BauhausOfEliott · 12/12/2025 18:28

Sartre · 12/12/2025 16:43

I’m also an academic so actually just curious about his field and why/ how it helped you. When you said you needed help with something initially, I figured he must be a plumber or electrician, not an academic. What sort of advice did you need? Is it just a field you’re interested in and a friend recommended you reach out to him?

Sorry, that’s beside the point. I don’t really get random people contacting me that’s all, only fellow academics or potential PhD candidates. Maybe in the wrong field!

The OP has written about him before. He's a doctor (medical, not PhD).

TittyGajillions · 12/12/2025 19:00

speir · 12/12/2025 15:29

Just a quick thanks for your responses .He has emailed and asked me to exchange numbers with a view to meeting up over Christmas so I’m feeling really happy and excited!

That's convenient!

speir · 13/12/2025 13:51

Convenient? Are you being genuine or rude? And why would a pp suggest how I behave and what I should discuss?

OP posts:
TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 13/12/2025 14:28

speir · 12/12/2025 15:29

Just a quick thanks for your responses .He has emailed and asked me to exchange numbers with a view to meeting up over Christmas so I’m feeling really happy and excited!

Has he, aye?

AmyDuPlantier · 13/12/2025 15:14

speir · 12/12/2025 15:29

Just a quick thanks for your responses .He has emailed and asked me to exchange numbers with a view to meeting up over Christmas so I’m feeling really happy and excited!

After all these years, and just in time to keep this thread going? Wow. That’s awesome.

speir · 13/12/2025 18:45

My goodness … the toxicity of this place … over and out.

OP posts:
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