Is this man married or just totally unconventional ?

[speir]

I think he is separated but living with his wife . I’d appreciate your opinion as a newbie . I signed up to Mumsnet for among other things, your thoughts and advise on this topic .

I reached out to a man who works in an area that I needed urgent advice on. He gave permission to
my friend for me to ring him, I did , he advised me and really helped. That’s was two years ago.
I have seen him
around for a couple of decades and have always found him attractive. There have been a few glances towards me back through time.
I married, divorced and am Single seven years. I did not want a relationship ever again.

I have always seen him either on his own or Ina group … male only or mixed. I’ve never seen him with a partner in any social capacity and there have been many. I assumed he was single.
He is, by all accounts , a workaholic, academic and trailblazer in his area of expertise.
he spends a lot of time in our village relaxing, engaging in pastimes , working remotely and socialising, as far as I can see.
I mostly see him when he is on his own.

I contacted him again recently , on impulse , as he was the only person I could think of that could give me urgent advice and guidance in that same area of expertise again .I took a risk in contacting him as I didn’t have his number… I just
googles his name and found an email address.
He responded immediately and was more that helpful, kind and compassionate. I appreciated it but was very
embarrassed when things settled again.

I left a note and small gift in my local corner shop for him, one I’ve seen him in on a number of occasions.
He picked it up a coupe of weeks later and emailed me straight away thanking me and asking how the other situation worked out.
Bearing in mind , that we’ve never spoken in each others company , I said that we may see each other someday as it odd to have this email and phone contact despite being in the same area for decades and we’ve never spoken.
He emailed back and said that yes we might meet soon with a smiley emoji.
again, as this was all professional etc I was a little taken aback.
Long story short seems to be that he is married !
There is absolutely no sign of his wife anywhere in person or online. He spends traditional family holidays on his own in our town despite having young adult
children and a wife that uses his surname
They live hours away..
S it just me or is this just strange ?

He is very high profile in his area of work so there are hundreds of thousands of results when his name is googled but not one photo of him and his wife or reference to her in any media interviews in the last twenty years and spending months of the year in our town on his own seems odd.

Id love your thoughts please
Thank you.

I think the comment that "there were glances" also made it all seem a bit intense. Glances actually means not engaging. Maybe at age 14 they can be telling but I'm sure a grown man can muster up more courage than a coy glance.

That isn't intended to be unkind to op. On the contrary, a hopeless fixation can be an agonising and draining (and life-wasting) exercise.

To me the objective reality here is that he would have taken up the "how odd we live so close but yet ... so far" comment as an excuse to make a move. I mean it was fairly much an open come hither.

🤣🤣🤣

Yes, good point.

OP seems to be spiralling into fantasy land and I hope she realises this isn’t healthy behaviour. This man doesn’t seem to have given any encouragement at all even when OP has tried to make a connection so I don’t know why this ongoing interest.

And despite OP calling herself a newbie, I definitely think this is a follow up ask as the scenario is virtually the same.

you say ‘he thought I was in a relationship’. How do you know this? - you’ve never spoken to him. To be completely honest, you are coming across as very, very odd. You already posted this exact story a few months ago, and didn’t listen to the replies back then. My advice - take a creative writing course.

Stop posting about this man who is nothing to do with you and does not think about you. Do you post on other forums about him as well?

You’d get the same when you Google me. I’d never, ever bring my partner, children or other family into the public domain. It’s basic privacy guards. My personal life is not related to my public persona.

Also ‘traditional family holidays’ alone in another city… could be divorced and the wife has the kids during those times, could be that he just prefers it that way. A family Christmas is my idea of hell, ruins a perfectly good mini break.

Not everyone is traditional and lives according to media stereotypes of happy families.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5429132-im-interested-in-a-man-but-had-no-way-to-have-a-conversation-with-him-until-today-not-ideal-please-advise

Was this the other post?! OP, let it go! 😂

Sorry OP married or not, he doesn’t sound interested. You opened the door to communication the first time you contacted him, so if he wanted to, after that point, rather than “glancing” he would have walked over and introduced himself. Then you basically offered to meet up via email, and he’s just said “I’m sure we’ll see each other around :-)”… he’s just shut it down imo, not instigated a meet up…

Yes I think the glancing was probably nervous not lustful.

I suspect he has cottoned on and is wary.

This isn't meant to be harsh op, but rather to jolt you out of your trance so you can move on with your life with things that are real and will reward your attentions.

Not sure what you are asking or rather why. He may well be married and she's busy working and is on a different schedule to him or doesn't enjoy the same social gatherings. Or he may be divorced. Or whatever. I mean if you are wondering if a relationship could develop between you don't you think he would have asked you out already? Your mentioning that you may see him around was a perfect opportunity for him to stay 'I usually have a coffee at X on Saturday if you'd like to join me'.
My experience is if a man is interested he does something about it.

I can’t see anything on what you’ve posted, that indicates he is interested.

we’ve never spoken in each others company , I said that we may see each other someday as it odd to have this email and phone contact despite being in the same area for decades and we’ve never spoken.
He emailed back and said that yes we might meet soon with a smiley emoji.

He did NOT email back with a smiley emoji, saying "Do you ever go to the Ploughman's Rest? I can recommend their tofu goujons. Maybe you could join me for a drink, say Thursday?"

You can still ask him out for a drink/coffee before establishing his relationship worthiness, but don't get your hopes up. You've already opened the door for social contact. He gently closed it.

OP, I also think you are building a fantasy in your head. He hasn't shown he is interested which is fine. Move on. If you need further clarification ask him directly but be prepared for a firm no.

I see the same people around a lot, but never have I thought it odd that we don't have contact with each other. Why should we? I also haven't tried to Google them.

It’s absolutely creepy. If you include the information from the OP’s other thread on this, their only actual contact in 20 years has been an email about her son’s medical condition and a phone call about her ex’s medical condition. They’ve never spoken face to face, and their only contact has been two times when she contacted him rather cheekily for free medical advice. She lists times when she believes he was about to approach her, but turned back. He politely closed down her suggestion that they might meet after she left him a thank you present at the local shop, which I assume means she doesn’t know his address.

It”s clearly a longrunning fantasy with no basis in reality.

I wouldn't take any of what you've written here as a sign that he wants any kind of sexual/romantic relationship with you, but if you're just wanting to make sure he's single before possibly approaching him in that way, can the friend that put the two of you in contact initially shed any light? If I HAD to guess, I'd say he's either divorced, technically still married but essentially separated and just never bothered to make it legal, or actually still married but both busy with independent pursuits (hence some holidays apart, etc., especially if her business is in another city). If the children are uni age or older their not being around for holidays may be unremarkable - they're with friends, partner's family, travelling, etc. It sounds like the two of you are on track to meet up in person - probably best to bring it up casually in conversation then.

A lot of married men don’t walk around advertising the presence of their wives. Going out with colleagues/friends and being seen on their own does not mean he is single. The only way to know is to ask him about it.

I would leave it op. If a man wants you, he will let you know in my experience. Buying gifts and leaving them at corner bishops and getting his email from social media is not usual behaviour and if I was him I would be a bit freaked out.

I agree with what's being said. He isn't partner material. He's shown no indication that he is wanting a partner, or that he wants to get to know you. He only wants to chat digitally.

I agree it's a long-running fantasy with no basis in reality. Thus far, though, it's not really any creepier or more stalkerish than my googling of whichever TV actor I've decided I like.

It has the potential to become a problem, if OP keeps trying to sidle into his life and/or asking for free professional advice. @speir, just ask him out if you want to.

If/when nothing happens, give yourself a nice treat to make up for the sadness of a fantasy come to its natural end - and find a new interest.

This.

If he was interested in you in any capacity beyond a professional one, you would know. I'm not talking about 'glances' either.

Yes OP, he’s unconventional, in that he sounds like a personable, professional yet sociable man on top of his game who likes to keep his private life private, and doesn’t think of deceiving his wife.
Sad isn’t it, that it’s not the norm for a man to have such integrity.

You sound quite indignant that he hasn’t shown the slightest interest in you, other than to politely respond to your two requests for professional help.
Maybe he receives lots of requests like that from single women who find him very attractive and would like him to show more interest in them.

You know he’s married. He has a wife and a family.
That’s all you need to know.
He has rejected your attempt at gift giving as a way in, other than to politely thank you.
Read his signals. Leave it be now.

R

If you have to ask strangers online if a man is interested ... he isn't.

Have you posted about this before? Several people have asked you and you haven’t replied which makes me wonder…

Tbh you sound a bit obsessed with him and he just sounds professional.

Well he also could be properly married rather than separated. I know a number of academics who live in Cambridge/Oxford but their families live out of the area.

they travel to those areas for term time work and then spend holidays (20 weeks a year) with their families. It’s really common amongst academics.

so don’t get your hopes up

This goes well beyond meeting someone, asking friends about him, and doing a quick social media search.

OP hasn’t met him. She had permission to call him for advice, once, 2 years ago. He behaved professionally, and that was the first (and only) time they spoke to each other; she said “we've never spoken in each others company“.

Two years after that one-off call, she used an email address she found online to contact him out of the blue, asking for more help.
She left a note and a gift at a corner shop she’s “seen him in on a number of occasions”.
She tried to continue contact after his brief, polite, professional email thanking her, suggesting they “may see each other someday”, mentioning that it’s “odd to have this email and phone contact despite being in the same area for decades”. He’s done nothing to suggest he wants to chat with OP; they’ve only communicated when she’s found an excuse to contact him.
Although he sidestepped meeting with a noncommittal “yes we might”, OP was “a little taken aback” by a smiley face emoji, as though an emoji means he might be interested in her.

This man doesn’t know OP at all, but she knows a lot about him.
She knows that he spends a lot of time in her village, and what activities he does while he’s there (“relaxing, engaging in pastimes, working remotely and socialising”).
She knows that he spends many major holidays in her village (there’s an obvious explanation that still allows for him being happily married, but I really don’t think OP needs more ideas about this man’s life).
Apparently she’s seen him without his partner “a lot”, but as she mentions many of these social events were “male only” it seems she’s only ‘seen him’ through extensive online stalking.
She found “hundreds of thousands of results when his name is googled”, and she scoured twenty years of media reports looking for a mention of his wife.
Despite there being “no sign of his wife anywhere in person or online“, she knows his wife’s name and where she lives.
She knows details about his children and their ages.

She’s stalking him, it’s creepy, and she needs to stop.