Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this man married or just totally unconventional ?

105 replies

speir · 07/12/2025 18:54

I think he is separated but living with his wife . I’d appreciate your opinion as a newbie . I signed up to Mumsnet for among other things, your thoughts and advise on this topic .

I reached out to a man who works in an area that I needed urgent advice on. He gave permission to
my friend for me to ring him, I did , he advised me and really helped. That’s was two years ago.
I have seen him
around for a couple of decades and have always found him attractive. There have been a few glances towards me back through time.
I married, divorced and am Single seven years. I did not want a relationship ever again.

I have always seen him either on his own or Ina group … male only or mixed. I’ve never seen him with a partner in any social capacity and there have been many. I assumed he was single.
He is, by all accounts , a workaholic, academic and trailblazer in his area of expertise.
he spends a lot of time in our village relaxing, engaging in pastimes , working remotely and socialising, as far as I can see.
I mostly see him when he is on his own.

I contacted him again recently , on impulse , as he was the only person I could think of that could give me urgent advice and guidance in that same area of expertise again .I took a risk in contacting him as I didn’t have his number… I just
googles his name and found an email address.
He responded immediately and was more that helpful, kind and compassionate. I appreciated it but was very
embarrassed when things settled again.

I left a note and small gift in my local corner shop for him, one I’ve seen him in on a number of occasions.
He picked it up a coupe of weeks later and emailed me straight away thanking me and asking how the other situation worked out.
Bearing in mind , that we’ve never spoken in each others company , I said that we may see each other someday as it odd to have this email and phone contact despite being in the same area for decades and we’ve never spoken.
He emailed back and said that yes we might meet soon with a smiley emoji.
again, as this was all professional etc I was a little taken aback.
Long story short seems to be that he is married !
There is absolutely no sign of his wife anywhere in person or online. He spends traditional family holidays on his own in our town despite having young adult
children and a wife that uses his surname
They live hours away..
S it just me or is this just strange ?

He is very high profile in his area of work so there are hundreds of thousands of results when his name is googled but not one photo of him and his wife or reference to her in any media interviews in the last twenty years and spending months of the year in our town on his own seems odd.

Id love your thoughts please
Thank you.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 07/12/2025 18:58

how do you know he's married and lives with her? maybe he's gay and it was a marriage of agreement

speir · 07/12/2025 19:00

She has her own business and uses his surname so Im presuming they’re still married and I don’t know if they live together

OP posts:
speir · 07/12/2025 19:01

I thought he may have been gay years ago but there were definitely ‘glances ‘ through the years so then I outruled that.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 07/12/2025 19:03

so there's a woman you know married him at some point, they had kids together and all this connection is because she didn't change her surname?

if DH and I split I wouldn't change my surname. it's mine now. and my kids.

Justthethingsthatyoudointhisgarden · 07/12/2025 19:04

It's very common for a divorced woman to continue to use her married name.

You seem to be taking this extremely seriously given you haven't actually spoken to him in person.

Seventyandlovingit · 07/12/2025 19:04

Loads of divorced women continue to use their married name. I do. It is absolutely not proof they are still married. It's not proof they aren't, either.

TittyGajillions · 07/12/2025 19:10

What advice do you want? Are you seeking permission to ask him for a shag?

speir · 07/12/2025 19:17

Just your opinion whether he’s still married or not, that’s all . I’ve been at the receiving end of married men Playing hide and seek with me , my
own ex husband for example, , so if anything were to happen I’d prefer not to spend any time Engaging and getting my hopes up .

OP posts:
Cherry8809 · 07/12/2025 19:19

It sounds like he’s happy to engage with you in a professional capacity, married or not.

Despite Mumsnet lore, not every couple is joined at the hip or chronically posting everything online.

I think if he were single (and most importantly, interested) he would have let you know.

Merseymum1980 · 07/12/2025 19:23

I think he would of asked you out if he were interested

TittyGajillions · 07/12/2025 19:25

He doesn't appear to have shown any real interest in you though.

MJxJones · 07/12/2025 19:27

You sound like a stalker.

SweeetFannyAdams · 07/12/2025 19:28

Have you posted about him before OP?

If you have, I think the general consensus was that you should stop using him for free professional advice.

RememberBeKindWithKaren · 07/12/2025 19:28

If you are interested in him then I'm sure there's no reason why you shouldn't ask him. Lifes too short to let all this " is he, isn't he " stuff hold you back.

speir · 07/12/2025 19:29

True . He isn’t shown any interest really. To this point, he thought I was in a relationship.

OP posts:
speir · 07/12/2025 19:30

Im not a stalker but I have been very badly hurt before so I’m paranoid but would still love to have a partner now that I feel
redy.

OP posts:
Arlanymor · 07/12/2025 19:32

I swear I have read this thread in the past… you’ve posted this before haven’t you? Would be weird if it was someone else as the circumstances are so close.

You've asked him for advice in the past and he’s been polite and helpful.

That’s where it begins and ends isn’t it? None of us can tell you if he is in relationship or not. If you’re interested in him you should ask him outright.

But be prepared for a disappointing answer even if he is single. I’m single it doesn’t mean I fancy everyone who comes across my path (quite the contrary).

SleeplessInWherever · 07/12/2025 19:35

I’ve still got my ex husband’s name, I’ll change it when I remarry.

But I don’t think he’s actually on the same page as you here, he just thinks he’s answering emails.

SayWhatty · 07/12/2025 19:38

You are building this up too much. You don't know him. You don't know if he is interested. I understand you are cautious but you need to avoid being stalkery. Just ask him out and move on from the fantasy world.

SweeetFannyAdams · 07/12/2025 19:39

@Arlanymor, yep 👍

Glitchymn1 · 07/12/2025 19:40

Ask him? How on earth will any of us know- mean that kindly.
When you say he’s wearing something you’ve given him, months alone in this village, does nobody know anything about him? It’s possible they’re separated and comfortable with that perhaps, but you’ll only know if you ask.

Branster · 07/12/2025 19:48

I'm sure there was a similar thread and guy gave the OP medical advice about OP's brother.
Anyway, you are stalking this man and there is zero indication that he is in any way, shape or form interested in you in a romantic way.
It is actually very rude to ask for professional advice in this way.
Leave the man alone.

NoSoupForU · 07/12/2025 19:56

So you see this man around the village a fair bit and have done for a while, and he's never spoke to you? And from that you've taken the message that he's interested in you?

And you've googled him to find an email address and then further spent lord knows how long searching him online to deduce that there's a woman he was or is married to, where she lives in relation to you and how many children they have?

And you don't think your behaviour is in any way odd or indicative of poor boundaries?

outerspacepotato · 07/12/2025 20:01

Branster · 07/12/2025 19:48

I'm sure there was a similar thread and guy gave the OP medical advice about OP's brother.
Anyway, you are stalking this man and there is zero indication that he is in any way, shape or form interested in you in a romantic way.
It is actually very rude to ask for professional advice in this way.
Leave the man alone.

I remember that and this sounds very similar.

Stop asking for free advice.

Let it be, you're to the point of stalking him.

Flyingintotheunknown · 07/12/2025 20:04

speir · 07/12/2025 19:00

She has her own business and uses his surname so Im presuming they’re still married and I don’t know if they live together

From the title I thought your thread was about you dating a man who turned out to be married.
You actually sound quite obsessed with him and rather stalkerish to be searching him on social media and to find out that there is nothing in the media about him for the last 20 years.

BTW I’m divorced but kept my ex husband’s surname. 1. Because it’s a faff to change it back again 2. Because my kids have my ex husband’s surname so makes things easier and 3. Because I like the name better than my maiden name! It’s none of your business if his wife (maybe ex wife) chooses to keep his surname. Are you going to call me strange too?

I’m not entirely sure what the point of your thread is?? Has he given you any reason to believe he’s romantically interested in you? It seems to me that he’s only interested in you in a professional capacity.

You seem very invested in this guy and seem to see him around a lot but haven’t talked to him in person, yet seem to be observing him and know a lot about where he hangs out and which shop he visits. How weird!