DH ‘sexting’ colleague he only met at work party

[Jaydee92]

Feeling a bit fragile about this but I feel I need a sanity check. DH started his current job at the beginning of this year, goes into the office twice a week and has a lot of colleague who work remotely and he hasn’t seen before. Christmas party on Friday meant he met most of these in person for the first time as the company paid for them to travel and stay over. He was very drunk and I picked him up at the end of the night from the venue as pre agreed.

He was hungover on Saturday and in bed for most of the morning. Last night sat watching TV I noticed notifications on his phone (instagram messages) from a female name I didn’t recognise. I didn’t say anything but kept noticing it.

We have each others passwords for our phones and when he was in the shower this morning I looked at his messages. The message history only went back to yesterday. But basically the messages were sexual in nature. She posted a photo of her before the party, sat on a sort of sofa/stall. DH said to her he’d seen it and wished he was the stall. She said he was more handsome than he seemed on screen and that she couldn’t stop staring at his ‘bulge’ and suggested his trousers were too tight. DH said he couldn’t stop staring at her ‘tits’ and said sorry if she caught him talking to them.

I confronted DH immediately and he was initially really defensive before apologising, said he still felt drunk the following day and got carried away and had the ‘horn’.

I told him this is cheating and he said that’s nonsense as nothing happened.

My AIBU is whether I’m wrong to consider this cheating.

Yup, that’s me caught! 😀. I’m a chicken whose spring has long-since faded into winter.

I notice it on here: if only men were more like women all would be fine. But no one can fight evolution and genetics and reality. It takes old age to finally understand that. It’s a route, finally, to happiness. And then you die. But nothing really matters.

And maybe that’s why the ‘younger generation’ is so often unsatisfied with life and so unhappy. It’s genuinely sad.

I feel like I need to add something. Don’t get too caught up in whether you, he or others’ think this is cheating or unacceptable. Of course it is unacceptable because it has hurt you and because he wouldn’t have openly told you would he?!? I think sometimes we concentrate too much on being ‘right’ (I always have). In my opinion you are 100% ‘right’ and it oversteps every boundary in 90+% of most peoples relationships but that doesn’t actually matter. Convincing him he is wrong isn’t important. What is important is you deciding if you can move on from this and what you would need from him in order to stay in the marriage. It doesn’t sound like he’s even offering anything at the moment but he will! As soon as he realises that he may have lost you he will make all the promises in the world. But he doesn’t mean them because of course if he did they would have been the 1st thing out of his mouth. If you don’t make a decision to leave this marriage I am urging you to stop TTC for 6 months at least to see how you feel because these are hard feelings to move on from I promise and you may change your mind months or even years down the line. Every Christmas party, every night out, every time he starts a new job, every time he’s on his phone a lot, when you feel crap post partum and can’t have sex or don’t want to have sex etc this will rear its head. I am so very sorry for you OP because I know you must be so hurt and I promise I’m only saying these things because I don’t want you to end up tied to him with a child to co-parent.

He didn't get the chance to do anything because OP checked his messages and called him out on it. If left unchecked they could be in a hotel room as we type.

What is wrong with some men? Sorry @Jaydee92 it's horrible. I would seriously reconsider your future with him. You deserve better than this.

I’m early 60s - his bags would have been packed in my case , because this kind of behaviour , with someone he barely knows , indicates he’s a player and this won’t be a first or a one off- it’s in his nature . I don’t think age comes into it, although plenty in my age group do have low standards often due to the fact they don’t want to lower their standard of living - we see plenty on mumsnet in their 20s putting up with all kinds of toss too.

Fuckme, well im in my 50s and in a very long and happy relationship and in nearly 40 years of being together neither of us has engaged in this kind of behaviour. Its disgusting and degrading.
And he would be out on his arse if he was my DH, as would I if the shoe was on the other foot.
Its nowt to do with age, just standards.
Show him the door, hes a filthy swine.

Urgh, grubby pair. In the bin and be thankful he showed you who he really is before you conceived.

It's cheating.
Messaging another person in a clearly sexual way knowing that your partner would be upset about it is abhorrent.
It's a serious lack of respect and commitment. The defensiveness and excuses are an extra blow, he doesn't believe he did anything wrong and probably feels way worse about being rumbled than how he's hurt your feelings.
You could forgive and move on.
He will do it again or something worse.
He may already have alternative profiles, be on dating apps and insta messaging anything he likes the look of.
Believe me when I tell you that IF by some miracle that this is the first time it won't be the last or the only thing.
18 years and 3 kids in and I'm still battling the lies.
Don't have children with this man.
You deserve better.

It's good that you're angry! Keep hold of it. Use it constructively, and to your benefit. It's f***g abysmal that he's behaved like this, he needs to fully understand that, and he needs to tell you how HE intends to put things right! Please stay strong.

Omg don’t have kids with this revolting man. Get out now while you can. You can do so much better.

I feel we are the same generation (born mid 60s), and what I find sad is that our generation has produced so many women people pleasers who have been taught to accept the dregs. As soon as I stopped accepting it, my douche of an ex-H couldnt take it. Over 20 years of putting up with his crap.

Subsequent generations I hope (my daughter's) know what cheating is (again, Kaylee Rose's Cheating song nails it) know what to accept and what NOT to put down to the "it's evolution, how men are built"/ "men can't help it" / "life's too short" rubbish

When people show you who they are and you don't like it, believe them the first time. People never do anything once. That is my experience. You are only 33. You can leave him and be in a new relationship by next year. If you have children with him you are tied to him FOREVER in one way or another. Just think very deeply about this please.

Don't be daft. This is not harmless flirting. I have been married a long time and of course one doesn't stop noticing other people. But this is not acceptable behaviour.

Sorry but I’m an “older” woman and whilst you may think “marriage is for ever”, which was the mantra of another era, it’s not. Men behaving in the way he did is unacceptable, I’d not want to be married to him and I certainly wouldn’t want my daughter to be married to him.

His “mistake” was not writing it down, his “mistake” was being a vile and disrespectful arsehole.

I’ve not plenty of unhappy women, who have stuck with an arsehole husband.

I’m glad that women have the ability now, to say no you’re not treating me like that.

For what it’s worth, I’ve been married 38 years to a respectful and decent man.

If this is how things are now when you are relatively commitment free, think how things might escalate when you are trapped at home with a young baby, during the postpartum, sleepless, generally sexless phase. You are still so young- get out while you can!

What is ‘wrong with some men’ is that they do stuff that men do. It’s evolutionary, and genetic.

And they are generally much less skilled at not getting caught than women are.

It’s “genetic” !

WTF!

Did you screenshot their messages and make a note of her partner's details?

This is BS.
Some men are bastards, its not genetic or evolutionary or any such twaddle.
Some men, like some women, are just crap people and making the "oh thats men for ya" excuse is dreadful.
Some men are fine upstanding decent men of character who would never engage in this kind of crap.
How sad that this is your experience.

What a load of nonsense. Is that a wind up post?

Yes. That’s correct.

Please read Darwin and Wallace. Then Dawkins’ non-atheist oeuvre.

Between them, and quantum physics, that’s most of reality explained.

Everything else is just chemistry.

Maybe it is partly "genetics" and "evolution", but it is mainly socialisation.

What a vile pair. “Bulges” and “tits” are now normal workplace chat are they? Are they fuck! And what’s worse is he absolutely knows that, he knows he’s massively crossed a line. But he cannot be an actual grown up and admit it?
The older I get, the more I notice that all the people that do this seedy kind of shit? They are all the same. All insecure, all overly needy, all have a whiff of “desperate” about them. Not exactly attractive, is it?

When someone shows you who they really are, believe them.

He's already looking over his shoulder.

Depends on your self worth if you allow him to do it.

Now that’s an intelligent observation and worthy of engagement. Thank you.

I wonder to what extent socialisation is a method by which the more ‘raw’ evolutionary imperatives are moderated. I suspect that’s clearly the case, but there are times where the old lizard-brain limbic system breaks through all that and carries on regardless.

There are certainly evolutionary advantages in keeping society peaceful, in attenuating overt and continuous competition for females, and generally giving both individuals and society in general time to get on with other stuff. Like building the modern world.

But what makes us human - and the most successful species this planet has yet known (although I can argue against that) - is our innate character, and yes, neurochemistry. All attempts to fight that eventually makes people unhappy. And that’s just chemistry too. 😉