DH ‘sexting’ colleague he only met at work party

[Jaydee92]

Feeling a bit fragile about this but I feel I need a sanity check. DH started his current job at the beginning of this year, goes into the office twice a week and has a lot of colleague who work remotely and he hasn’t seen before. Christmas party on Friday meant he met most of these in person for the first time as the company paid for them to travel and stay over. He was very drunk and I picked him up at the end of the night from the venue as pre agreed.

He was hungover on Saturday and in bed for most of the morning. Last night sat watching TV I noticed notifications on his phone (instagram messages) from a female name I didn’t recognise. I didn’t say anything but kept noticing it.

We have each others passwords for our phones and when he was in the shower this morning I looked at his messages. The message history only went back to yesterday. But basically the messages were sexual in nature. She posted a photo of her before the party, sat on a sort of sofa/stall. DH said to her he’d seen it and wished he was the stall. She said he was more handsome than he seemed on screen and that she couldn’t stop staring at his ‘bulge’ and suggested his trousers were too tight. DH said he couldn’t stop staring at her ‘tits’ and said sorry if she caught him talking to them.

I confronted DH immediately and he was initially really defensive before apologising, said he still felt drunk the following day and got carried away and had the ‘horn’.

I told him this is cheating and he said that’s nonsense as nothing happened.

My AIBU is whether I’m wrong to consider this cheating.

Sounds like they've been flirting over Teams for a while. I mean I really can't ever imagine commenting on a work colleague's 'bulge' and that includes colleagues I have a lot of 'banter' with.

The next step would have been exchanging photos, sexting and then meeting up.

How are you going to feel the next time there's an in person conference/party/meeting? How will you trust him to keep his 'bulge' under control?

If he's not cheating he is actively trying to, quite brazenly tbh.

Ltb, he is the type to cheat and will cheat on you when you're pregnant.

They both are very unprofessional too so the whole office knows making you and him a laughing stock.

Hold your head up high and walk away. You deserve more than this

Yikes 🚩 🚩🚩🚩 I would be very worried about how he values your relationship. He’s not Princess Charming is he?

It’s disgusting, pathetic. And ultimately hugely disrespectful to you as his wife. He’s shown who he is. Be grateful you saw these messages and discovered the type of man you’re married to before you had children with him. I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this I can understand how angry you must be, don’t let him worm his way out of it. I’m so sorry.

What a absolute asshole fuck him off I wouldn't accept this pack his bags and tell him to go to tits seeing as he was so pleased with them

this op (not that I read the thong thingy)

You can’t trust him, it’s that simple. If you hadn’t looked on his phone this absolutely would have gone further. As others have said, you just don’t talk to anyone like that when you’re in a loving committed relationship. It was made worse by his being defensive and trying to minimise his actions as meaningless, that’s someone who isn’t sorry he did what he did, just sorry he got caught. Personally I wouldn’t be TTC with this man.

For mr it’s the same as cheating because given half the chance he would have done something with her.

You’ve got each others phone passwords, you’re going through his phone, he’s sexting other women and he’s playing it down - is this really a relationship where you want a baby?

The relationship does not sound good.

I'm not sure asking whether it's cheating is the right phrase because it'll depend on everyone's definition.....I do think it is betrayal.

I'm sorry OP. I'd be very concerned about where this would have led if you hadn't caught him

Disagreeing with me doesn’t make you correct. I don’t consider it cheating. I consider it pathetic and juvenile-sounding flirting. Doesn’t mean it’s ok or that I would put up with it. Not sure why you just jumped on me when lots of other people have said the same as me. But crack on I guess…

Tell him thank you for showing who he is before you got pregnant. I know many good men around me- this is not one. Please bin. He will not magically change into someone else after becoming a father. It will only get worse.

Yup.

What makes it worse is that he himself instigated the sexual banter by saying he wished he were the sofa or whatever. Blaming it on being drunk is ridiculous.

This is who he his now - imagine what he’ll be like when having to cope with the stresses of parenthood. I think he’s done OP a favour in the nick of time and if o were her, I’d focus on my career and rethink the whole situation.

Yup.

He's puerile and gross.

Grim. Don’t have a baby with this man.

The messages imply there is an online history (of flirting) and then they have taken it further at the party. Definitely disloyal, disrespectful cheating behaviour.
Not a man to be tied to or have a child with ...sorry OP

Typical out-of-hand flirting. It’s what blokes do. And women too. Stupid to write it all down though. 🙄

He didn’t actually do anything, and neither did she. So I’d put it down to a bit of fun. Men and women don’t stop fancying others because they are in a relationship, regardless of what teenage romance novels say.

But much depends on whether he would get arsey if the OP were caught doing the same thing.

In my (long and happy) relationship we’ve found a bit of harmless flirting with others makes each appreciate the other more, and keeps things fresh. It keeps the chase going!

Let it go, OP.

He felt horny? Well isn’t there a wife right there to help with that? They always gaslight you btw into thinking it’s nothing. You know it would have gone further had you not seen it if you’re being honest with yourself. I forgave something like this, except I didn’t really but I did try. I can be getting along with my OH, feeling frisky and good and then it hits me like a tonne of bricks that he wanted to look at someone else’s tits and communicate with them while I was in the house and I feel sick, feel like I’m ugly and fat and old and like I wish I had ended it there and then. Don’t do that to yourself, walk away now before kids come along, you are still young and you deserve better than this.

It’s the preamble to cheating and it’s a betrayal of marriage vows. You don’t have to specifically state ‘no talking to other women about sex and their tits’ in your vows for it to be obvious you don’t do that.

Maybe not technically cheating, but he was going to. Maybe still will

Forget having children with him, you deserve better, he’s not committed.

I obvs dont know how old you are, but I am guessing in your 50s/60s as you talk about a long relationship.

I am so glad that the younger generation, such as OP, have set the bar higher as to what they will accept.

@Jaydee92 you will feel fragile because it’s upsetting. I know because my husband did this about a year after we got married. It’s flirting gone too far not cheating. I’d read him the riot act. Way up if you think he’ll do it again. With my DH I basically told him it he’d fucked up and I’d quite happily walk out the door and not come back. Also anything he could do I would do 10 times worse (juvenile response yes). He was sorry. I was pissed off with him for about a month. He hasn’t done it since and it was over a decade ago.

100 per cent cheating. And I’d have a relaxed attitude compared to most on these matters.

This is grim. You have seen who he is. It that really what you want to have a child with?