Page 14 | DH ‘sexting’ colleague he only met at work party

Jaydee92 · 2025-12-07T18:32:45+00:00

Feeling a bit fragile about this but I feel I need a sanity check. DH started his current job at the beginning of this year, goes into the office twice a week and has a lot of colleague who work remotely and he hasn’t seen before. Christmas party on Friday meant he met most of these in person for the first time as the company paid for them to travel and stay over. He was very drunk and I picked him up at the end of the night from the venue as pre agreed. He was hungover on Saturday and in bed for most of the morning. Last night sat watching TV I noticed notifications on his phone (instagram messages) from a female name I didn’t recognise. I didn’t say anything but kept noticing it. We have each others passwords for our phones and when he was in the shower this morning I looked at his messages. The message history only went back to yesterday. But basically the messages were sexual in nature. She posted a photo of her before the party, sat on a sort of sofa/stall. DH said to her he’d seen it and wished he was the stall. She said he was more handsome than he seemed on screen and that she couldn’t stop staring at his ‘bulge’ and suggested his trousers were too tight. DH said he couldn’t stop staring at her ‘tits’ and said sorry if she caught him talking to them. I confronted DH immediately and he was initially really defensive before apologising, said he still felt drunk the following day and got carried away and had the ‘horn’. I told him this is cheating and he said that’s nonsense as nothing happened. My AIBU is whether I’m wrong to consider this cheating.

LemonDrizzleKay · 08/12/2025 21:38

Milosc · 08/12/2025 21:12

He lied about where he was and is untrustworthy. You really have no idea if he was with her or not. Just because she came from out of town and was supposed to go home doesn't mean she didn't extend her stay. Why not tell you he was going to his mates house? Because he lies and probably wasn't with his mate at all. Do not have children with him. Having children tests the strongest marriage. Your marriage is a mess because your H is acting like a child himself. He is not husband or father material.

I agree with this. The "mate" was probably her. She's welcome to him.

MrsLizzieDarcy · 08/12/2025 21:43

OP, you may have invested into this relationship but don't fall into the sunken cost fallacy. You're far better to walk away now than when you're even further in.

He's not a keeper.

Nighttimeistherightime · 08/12/2025 21:47

You must be devastated. Behind all the bravado of everyone saying get rid, let the trash take itself out etc etc, is the reality of the man you love and were planning a baby with behaving in such a disgusting way. Not just the actions with the OW but also his conduct since. I stayed far too long with a man who treated me, and eventually our children like this.
My advice is to draw a line under who you thought he was and not go back to ever thinking of him in a gentle way. He no longer deserves your affection or attention. Be brave and take control; his stuff is packed and he leaves asap.
You are young enough to find someone who truly appreciates you- he isn’t it, as heartbreaking as that is. His decision was made the second he sent those messages but he emphasised it thoroughly by staying out instead of begging for forgiveness from you.
You have a bright future ahead with someone who will be the partner you need. Let him be the joke he is. Best of luck to you.

MimiSunshine · 08/12/2025 22:02

Jaydee92 · 08/12/2025 20:39

So it turns out he went to see one of his mates. Said he talked to him about our relationship and he has realised he is unhappy. Thinks it’s the ‘pressure’ of potentially being a father and that he finds the routine of ttc to have taken the fun away. That’s why he messaged his colleague and found it so exciting. He said he loves me but doesn’t know what he wants at the moment.

Nope, he’s still lying. This is horribly blunt but it’s not the pressure of TTC of possibly being a dad.
he’s just not sure he wants a baby with you. He’s panicking about committing to a future where you are the mother of his child. But he’s scared to fully back out and break up with you.

he’s obviously had a minor flirt with the woman from work or had a passing thought of “she’s attractive” before now and then had a full on flirt at the party. Which lead to the sexting.

dump him, save yourself the drawn out pain of it all. It’s what he’s hoping you’ll do so it’s not on his shoulders

TastelessMiserySand · 08/12/2025 22:20

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this OP. Look at it this way, right now he is literally standing in the way of your next chapter and future happiness. One day you will look back on this time, from the vantage point of your beautiful new life, with your adoring next partner and your gorgpeus child, and shudder at the thought of staying with this bellend. You'll think 'Euww! Imagine if I'd stayed with with him, I wouldn't have this wonderful life!".
Or to put it another way (and to share the simple words that woke me up, and out of a crap marriage) you get what you settle for xx

Scarydinosaurs · 08/12/2025 22:22

He is trying to punish you now.

Would he be okay with you messaging male friends like he messaged her? No.

Drop this idiot.

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 08/12/2025 22:28

Jaydee92 · 08/12/2025 20:39

So it turns out he went to see one of his mates. Said he talked to him about our relationship and he has realised he is unhappy. Thinks it’s the ‘pressure’ of potentially being a father and that he finds the routine of ttc to have taken the fun away. That’s why he messaged his colleague and found it so exciting. He said he loves me but doesn’t know what he wants at the moment.

He is a liar. Hr is shofting the blame to you.

stop ttc immediately

ohnotthisagain2020 · 08/12/2025 22:29

Jaydee92 · 08/12/2025 20:39

So it turns out he went to see one of his mates. Said he talked to him about our relationship and he has realised he is unhappy. Thinks it’s the ‘pressure’ of potentially being a father and that he finds the routine of ttc to have taken the fun away. That’s why he messaged his colleague and found it so exciting. He said he loves me but doesn’t know what he wants at the moment.

For the love of God, grow a spine woman. I just had to get my cock sucked because you're sucked all the fun out of my life is as old a bollocks excuse as time itself. He's already going around lying about you and how "His wife just doesn't understand him" to anyone who will listen.

He does NOT LOVE YOU. Do you know how I know this? We don't treat people like wet wipes and doormats and humiliate them and cheat on them when we love them. He just loves have someone to cook his meals and stick his penis into, even if he's bored with you, you're handy.

At best, he loves you like his car, or his wallet. Fond of you, handy to have around.

Here's what decent humans in relationships with clear boundaries agreed to always do with no exceptions at all if they fancy fucking someone else - they don't. They don't cheat in any way. They talk to their wife or husband, they tell them they're bored, they offer them an open relationship, they leave - they do not become filthy, grubby, sleazy liars.

You had no idea where he was, maybe he was at his friend's, slagging you off like he will have done a hundred times before to anybody who will listen, but the fucking CONTEMPT of going silent instead of begging you to forgive him and not to leave him.

He knows you're just going to let him leave bootprints on your face. And I know it too.

In five years time when you're stuck home with a small child getting checked for STDs and trying to figure out a way to leave him while he's off whoring you will be very very sorry indeed you stayed with this garbage excuse for a husband.

moderate · 08/12/2025 22:29

Jaydee92 · 08/12/2025 20:39

So it turns out he went to see one of his mates. Said he talked to him about our relationship and he has realised he is unhappy. Thinks it’s the ‘pressure’ of potentially being a father and that he finds the routine of ttc to have taken the fun away. That’s why he messaged his colleague and found it so exciting. He said he loves me but doesn’t know what he wants at the moment.

"I'll save you the trouble: we're done".

Horses7 · 08/12/2025 23:20

Please take on board what all the people say who have been in similar situations.
He has behaved appallingly and when found out continues to behave that way - no effort to make things right.

He’s gaslighting you into feeling guilty about TTC but remember none of this is your fault.
Instead imagine a new life with someone who truly loves you, this man doesn’t.
Be strong and create a lovely life for yourself - this poor apology of a man will continue to make you miserable.

outerspacepotato · 08/12/2025 23:35

Jaydee92 · 08/12/2025 20:39

So it turns out he went to see one of his mates. Said he talked to him about our relationship and he has realised he is unhappy. Thinks it’s the ‘pressure’ of potentially being a father and that he finds the routine of ttc to have taken the fun away. That’s why he messaged his colleague and found it so exciting. He said he loves me but doesn’t know what he wants at the moment.

Sorry, but that is bullshit.

He knows what he wants. He wants to go out drinking and he wants to have sex with his coworker. That's why he was sexting with her.

He didn't sit in McDonald's for 6 hours and I'm doubting he was talking to a friend.

I think your marriage is over. He's checking out of your marriage and hitting on other women.

Fdsew · 08/12/2025 23:39

He's a cheating manchild loser.
How awful to inflict him on any child.

kkloo · 09/12/2025 00:23

Jaydee92 · 08/12/2025 20:39

So it turns out he went to see one of his mates. Said he talked to him about our relationship and he has realised he is unhappy. Thinks it’s the ‘pressure’ of potentially being a father and that he finds the routine of ttc to have taken the fun away. That’s why he messaged his colleague and found it so exciting. He said he loves me but doesn’t know what he wants at the moment.

How did you respond?

It's very easy to retroactively claim something but it doesn't mean that it's true. Throwing something like that out there often has the effect of making the partner panic and then forgive the indiscretion because now the whole relationship is in doubt and the decision feels out of their control.

Also why lie about being out if he was with his mate? at a minimum it's showing he's just not thinking about your feelings at all.

WaryHiker · 09/12/2025 00:53

CalculatingCrispen · 07/12/2025 20:45

I obvs dont know how old you are, but I am guessing in your 50s/60s as you talk about a long relationship.

I am so glad that the younger generation, such as OP, have set the bar higher as to what they will accept.

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I'm 60, and my husband would be out of the door without a second chance if he tried something as sleazy as this.

Older women are just as likely to be feminists as younger people. In fact, a lot of the posts on Mumsnet from 30 and 40-year-olds make me cringe. I can't believe how much crap they're prepared to put up with from worthless men.

I sincerely hope the OP doesn't choose to be one of them.

ohnotthisagain2020 · 09/12/2025 03:42

WaryHiker · 09/12/2025 00:53

I'm 60, and my husband would be out of the door without a second chance if he tried something as sleazy as this.

Older women are just as likely to be feminists as younger people. In fact, a lot of the posts on Mumsnet from 30 and 40-year-olds make me cringe. I can't believe how much crap they're prepared to put up with from worthless men.

I sincerely hope the OP doesn't choose to be one of them.

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So very true. The rubbish that goes on now, all men HAVE to watch porn and DO watch porn (utter bollocks of course), anal rape is normal (I say rape because very few women ever wanted to have it shoved up their arse and it was NOT a standard thing on the sexual menu at all in my youth), you should be hairless (but honest it's for her, she just loves waxing, plucking and shaving every week in life) and you're "kink shaming" if you tell anyone to piss of with their weird demands.

I hate to say in my day, but... In my dating days, the 80s/early 90s, men were grateful if you turned up and they got a grope.

Not only would my husband be out the door, he'd have had a good kick to the bollocks (possibly metaphorically) as he went.

And in fact, my first husband was booted out of my marriage for similar behaviour. Just wish I'd done it the first time, not the third. Because they ALWAYS do it again.

Missj25 · 09/12/2025 05:19

Jaydee92 · 08/12/2025 20:39

So it turns out he went to see one of his mates. Said he talked to him about our relationship and he has realised he is unhappy. Thinks it’s the ‘pressure’ of potentially being a father and that he finds the routine of ttc to have taken the fun away. That’s why he messaged his colleague and found it so exciting. He said he loves me but doesn’t know what he wants at the moment.

Well he is very immature so isn’t ready to be a father .
I do think he’s trying to get inside your head & make you believe he is thinking of leaving you so that you will forget about the what he did .
And mostly I believe you will never be able to trust him .
Men like your husband should never get married , they’re selfish , they want their wife but they want to be able to have gfs here & there aswel .
I’ve no doubt he does love you , loves his life with you , other women feel like an escape for him .
None of us want to live out our lives with a man we cannot trust .x

BuckChuckets · 09/12/2025 07:09

Jaydee92 · 08/12/2025 20:39

So it turns out he went to see one of his mates. Said he talked to him about our relationship and he has realised he is unhappy. Thinks it’s the ‘pressure’ of potentially being a father and that he finds the routine of ttc to have taken the fun away. That’s why he messaged his colleague and found it so exciting. He said he loves me but doesn’t know what he wants at the moment.

Oh I see, so it's all YOUR fault? 🙄 He's done you a favour showing you exactly who he is in time to stop yourself being saddled to him for life with a child.

Dollyflip · 09/12/2025 08:36

Can also guaranteee he’s using sex workers - the way he excused his texts saying he had the horn etc, it’s just not the language a faithful man uses - more a man who views women as objects. He was probably with a woman, not a mate. He found time to think up that lie after realising the lie about gym and macdonalds sounded so stupid!! And stressed out by TTC?! If he’s having sex often why is he even getting the horn?? Sorry but so many red flags. Definitely get rid !!

NoisyViewer · 09/12/2025 08:47

I’m so sorry @Jaydee92 this is awful & utterly heartbreaking for you. I don’t have any real advice for you as it’s ultimately your decision but I get how utterly devastating this must be & so close to Christmas. I hope you have a good network around you (incase the reason you wrote in here for advice was to save face incase you salvaged your relationship). I do think now you need to lean into those around you. They know more about you & him than anyone on here & they'll be able to offer nuance advice. Also give you the love & support you need. He has managed to somehow flip it & put you on the back foot. Maybe he’s being honest (I don’t think he has cheated previously, with your having access to his phone) but it’s a shitty way to tell you he’s confused

Fdsew · 09/12/2025 08:57

ohnotthisagain2020 · 09/12/2025 03:42

So very true. The rubbish that goes on now, all men HAVE to watch porn and DO watch porn (utter bollocks of course), anal rape is normal (I say rape because very few women ever wanted to have it shoved up their arse and it was NOT a standard thing on the sexual menu at all in my youth), you should be hairless (but honest it's for her, she just loves waxing, plucking and shaving every week in life) and you're "kink shaming" if you tell anyone to piss of with their weird demands.

I hate to say in my day, but... In my dating days, the 80s/early 90s, men were grateful if you turned up and they got a grope.

Not only would my husband be out the door, he'd have had a good kick to the bollocks (possibly metaphorically) as he went.

And in fact, my first husband was booted out of my marriage for similar behaviour. Just wish I'd done it the first time, not the third. Because they ALWAYS do it again.

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So agree too.
60 here. Not a chance a single friend of mine would have tolerated or would tolerate now such awful behaviour.
He'd be tossed out like the loser he is.

BruhWhy · 09/12/2025 09:06

Oooof you've had a lucky fucking escape here, OP. He is an absolute child.

Dery · 09/12/2025 09:21

@CalculatingCrispen - funny that for some reason you think older women just put up with bad relationships. You are SO wrong. Many of us who came of age during the 1980s grew up feminist raised by feminist parents (dads as well as mums). We were raised not to put up with crap.

MissDoubleU · 09/12/2025 09:41

TTC is fun if you actually want it. He doesn’t.

Run.

WingsTingle · 09/12/2025 09:51

MissDoubleU · 09/12/2025 09:41

TTC is fun if you actually want it. He doesn’t.

Run.

This! If he were committed to your relationship and excited for your future, he would be thrilled to be having frequent sex with the prospect of creating a family with you!
Plus, if he can’t keep things interesting, it really rather suggests a lack of imagination on his part… it should be an exciting, loving time.
Damp squib. Pathetic. Move on…

MissDoubleU · 09/12/2025 09:53

WingsTingle · 09/12/2025 09:51

This! If he were committed to your relationship and excited for your future, he would be thrilled to be having frequent sex with the prospect of creating a family with you!
Plus, if he can’t keep things interesting, it really rather suggests a lack of imagination on his part… it should be an exciting, loving time.
Damp squib. Pathetic. Move on…

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Yup! And don’t wait for him to hum and haw over if he’s going to make this decision, don’t wait for him at all. End it yourself and stand your ground. Why does he get to have you waiting on the edge as long as he wants after he betrayed you?

Absolutely not. He isn’t into this. Leave, you’ll find someone genuinely excited about you and your future together.