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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I too harsh on my daughter?

128 replies

feedmefudge · 07/12/2025 17:40

19 year old daughter, on her way home for Christmas this evening from uni. She stays in Halls a few hours away.
I am happy and excited to see her but am also taking a deep breath at the thought! She’s amazing and I love her to bits, but she’s not what you’d call the most positive person.
So here I am today, on a rare day off (I’m working 7 days at the moment, to make ends meet), cleaning her room, changing the bedding, getting all the stuff she likes to eat, buying some extra little treats like new pyjamas for coming home, laying everything out for her. Oh, and buying all her Christmas presents of course.
So it’s a bit of a kick in the teeth to get this text, literally from her train home!

Sometimes it actually upsets me that everyone moved on from me moving out so quickly and just went on with their lives not being remotely sad? And my room was casually stolen?

To explain, her younger sister does sleep in her room while she’s at uni, because her room is huge whereas little sister’s is much smaller. However she will have it back for the holidays, hence the fresh bedding etc!
It just feels that nothing I do is good enough and that she doesn’t really live in the real world.
I am a loving, supportive and emotionally intelligent mum … but I’m afraid in this case I told her to get a grip.
AIBU?

OP posts:
DarkForces · 07/12/2025 17:44

Not too harsh at all. My sister (now in her 40s) still has her childhood room untouched in my parents so losing mine to a sitting room did grate a little but I know I'm being ridiculous. I laugh at myself. I think it's a hard transition but as adults we have to get used to our parents reclaiming their home and lives.

Original poster
feedmefudge · 07/12/2025 17:44

And I WAS sad when she moved out and told her so. But life goes on, right?

OP posts:
JackGrealishsCalves · 07/12/2025 17:44

I'd reply, actually darling we were completely devastated but good parents hide that so as not to guilt trip their children.
Maybe when you go back we will cry uncontrollably and beg you to stay

ThirdStorm · 07/12/2025 17:44

I think your daughter needs to grow up! So she’s allowed to go off to uni and get on with her life but your household must mope and wish for her return?! Oh and let your younger daughter permanently move into the larger room given she lives with you full time.

I hope she settles back in but if she doesn’t I hope you won’t have to ask her why she’s being quite so ungrateful?!

pilates · 07/12/2025 17:46

Jeez is she always so dramatic?

TyroleanKnockabout · 07/12/2025 17:46

God teenagers are so dramatic!

Applesinapie · 07/12/2025 17:46

Why has she made her 2 statements into questions?

I would also have told her to get a grip and I’d let the younger sibling have the bigger room too

LondonBlueTopaz · 07/12/2025 17:47

They'll be something else going on ...not getting on with flatmates or enjoying the course or uni life as much as they thought. You'll have to pick your battles im afraid as there might be more of this to come. My Dd was so unsettled during her first year that I feel like episodes like these were so frequent. On reflection she really hadn't matured as much as I thought.

Its rubbish when you are supportive of them and then these accusations come out of nowhere. I really feel like our young people are missing out on maturing at the same rate as before because a. Exam /Study pressures above everything else b.dreaded covid.

Keep calm as you can.

Matildatoldsuchdreadfullies · 07/12/2025 17:48

I was a twat when I first came back from university. I grew out of it (mostly). It's a fairly normal stage.

sesquipedalian · 07/12/2025 17:48

“her younger sister does sleep in her room while she’s at uni, because her room is huge whereas little sister’s is much smaller.”

So why don’t they just completely swap bedrooms? My DD gave her bedroom to her younger sister when she went to uni, and after that just slept in any empty bedroom when she came home, or shared with one of her sisters if everyone was home.

Swiftie1878 · 07/12/2025 17:50

Sounds like a conversation was missed out in this transition phase. I’m sure if you’d asked her about her sibling using her room whilst she was away, she’d have understood the rational side of it.
Communication is ALL! Talk to her and listen to her.

Ddakji · 07/12/2025 17:50

Is this her first term at uni? It can be very very challenging. and maybe to her it feels like by giving away her bedroom the minute she leaves she feels pushed out, or something like that? I mean, your house is still her home and uni holidays are very long.

(This is also why older siblings shouldn’t get the biggest room!)

Egglio · 07/12/2025 17:52

Ah the drama of being 19! This is a really terrible way of her telling you she has missed you and she isn't sure where she is going to fit in when she gets back. You were right to tell her to stop being a knob, not too harsh, she will know you love her when she gets back and opens the fridge to see you bought the food she likes but can't afford now she is at uni. It's just part of the detaching of becoming an adult.

JeRevien · 07/12/2025 17:53

They should swap bedrooms permanently, surely?

ThatLemonBear · 07/12/2025 17:54

Maybe it’s because I don’t have kids myself, but I am more on side with DD than the rest of the posters! Maybe she’s been really homesick and feels pushed out of home a bit? She won’t know all the effort you’ve made to welcome her back until she actually gets home. I’d have a chat with her over the break and make sure she’s ok. I hope you all have a lovely Christmas!

Brightbluesomething · 07/12/2025 17:56

I agree with PPs that the child who lives with you most should have the bigger room. Swap them over so she has her own things to come back to.
My DS knows I use his double bedroom for storing all sorts whilst he’s away. It always able to be slept in just in case he comes back for the weekend. But it’s my house, I’m allowed to do with it what I want.
DS has his own flat he can do with what he pleases. He has decorated a room for me there when I stay though.
He’s only slept at his dad’s once this year so his bedroom there is being turned into a gym. That’s why he’ll always have a room at home. But what it’s used for when he’s not here given he’s an adult is my decision not his.

Whatwouldnanado · 07/12/2025 17:58

Sorry but your daughter hasn’t moved out. She’s gone to university. Moving out will come when she has started her career and decided to get her own place. In between time her room is her room. If you want the girls to swap or something then that’s something to negotiate with them. New pjs etc won’t put this right.

Sohelpmegod25 · 07/12/2025 17:58

JeRevien · 07/12/2025 17:53

They should swap bedrooms permanently, surely?

Yes this
she’s gone off to uni and the younger girl is there all the time - just swop them over surely

she sounds absolutely pathetic I just wouldn’t entertain that and I’d be telling her!

Fends · 07/12/2025 17:58

Why does the younger one not have the big bedroom now. I’d be a lot harsher on the fucking little madam.

Poppingby · 07/12/2025 18:01

I would just reply 'can't wait to see you' or similar and ignore this nonsense by text tbh. If you want to have a chat about it in person when she's back you could. Has she forgotten that she can't actually see what you're all doing when she's not there?! For all she knows you were keening and rending your clothes for months. She's being silly but we all are sometimes.

ThejoyofNC · 07/12/2025 18:03

Stolen by whom? The people who own it. Tell her to grow up FFS.

Endofyear · 07/12/2025 18:09

I'd say darling of course I'm sad but I've been keeping myself busy and looking forward to you coming home for Christmas! And your room is all ready for you ☺️

It's easy to underestimate how going to Uni and being homesick effects teens, when she's feeling lonely she probably thinks of you all at home having family time without her. Swallow your impatience and give her a big hug when she comes in and show her how pleased you are to see her.

PurpleThistle7 · 07/12/2025 18:12

I don’t know why you didn’t swap the bedrooms, not really fair on your younger child. We intend to swap bedrooms once my daughter is out of the house as my son’s bedroom is super small.

anyway, teenagers are super dramatic about anything so I’m sure she’d have something else to say if you’d done differently.

saraclara · 07/12/2025 18:16

I'd reply, 'actually darling we were completely devastated but good parents hide that so as not to guilt trip their children'.

That, or words to that effect.

Tryingatleast · 07/12/2025 18:20

She’s just feeling blue, leave her to it, smile nod and do something nice for yourself