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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I too harsh on my daughter?

128 replies

feedmefudge · 07/12/2025 17:40

19 year old daughter, on her way home for Christmas this evening from uni. She stays in Halls a few hours away.
I am happy and excited to see her but am also taking a deep breath at the thought! She’s amazing and I love her to bits, but she’s not what you’d call the most positive person.
So here I am today, on a rare day off (I’m working 7 days at the moment, to make ends meet), cleaning her room, changing the bedding, getting all the stuff she likes to eat, buying some extra little treats like new pyjamas for coming home, laying everything out for her. Oh, and buying all her Christmas presents of course.
So it’s a bit of a kick in the teeth to get this text, literally from her train home!

Sometimes it actually upsets me that everyone moved on from me moving out so quickly and just went on with their lives not being remotely sad? And my room was casually stolen?

To explain, her younger sister does sleep in her room while she’s at uni, because her room is huge whereas little sister’s is much smaller. However she will have it back for the holidays, hence the fresh bedding etc!
It just feels that nothing I do is good enough and that she doesn’t really live in the real world.
I am a loving, supportive and emotionally intelligent mum … but I’m afraid in this case I told her to get a grip.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Fdsew · 07/12/2025 19:16

Yanbu.
I have children these ages, also privately educated.
We are very loving and supportive, but that does not mean conversations of "get a grip, cop on, get real" have not been had, and will continue to be had!

A firm chat on appreciation of all they have and all you do, never goes amiss.

Wallowing isn't a good look and it's definitely okay to say be positive and do your bloody gratitudes.

I think Covid has been very hard, SM is hard, but at the same time, so many have wonderful parents that bend themselves out of shape for their children.

I think it is very very helpful to say that actually "I am tired, worn out, busy, so get on with it and have a bit of appreciation for all you have and all I do".

Adult kids sometimes forget the whole world does not revolve around them. Reminding them is no harm.

We switched bedrooms too when my son left home, similar dramatics initially, 🙄, not a tiny room either. He was told to get a grip, he had left home.

Funnily enough, 18 months later when he visits he is finally full of appreciation for the lovely home, the space, the great food.
He now bitches that his siblings have NO idea how easy life is at home.

Mind yourself OP, no one else will.

Cherrytree86 · 07/12/2025 19:23

@feedmefudge

You have been waaaaay harsh, op. Could you not just give her your bedroom if it’s bigger/nicer?

HoppityBun · 07/12/2025 19:29

It just feels that nothing I do is good enough and that she doesn’t really live in the real world

This means that, as so often, all this isn’t really about the bedroom. It’s about you working hard and doing everything you can for your family and feeling unappreciated. It’s also about your daughter having to move away from home, feeling a bit lost and thinking that she’s been forgotten.

You are probably both right and both wrong. Tell her that you love her that you’re working really hard and looking forward to having her at home, that it is her home and that there will always be a place for her. Say that you're sorry she feels the way that she does and you look forward to getting together with her over Christmas. Make sure she also knows that you’re feeling exhausted and working 7 days a week… But perhaps work that one in gently.

AdjustingVideoFrameRate · 07/12/2025 19:44

University can be a tough and lonely adjustment. For some reason she’s feeling down, and she’s been ruminating and constructed this narrative that you’ve all moved on without her and she can never really go back to the security of home. The room issue is just a symbol - what she’s really afraid of is abandonment.

Obviously it’s annoying to get a text like that when you’re right in the middle of preparing for her return, but she may just be in need of reassurance.

schoolfriend · 07/12/2025 19:45

Tell her to grow up.

Hankunamatata · 07/12/2025 19:46

Yeah I would have told her to get a grip

AwkwardPaws27 · 07/12/2025 19:48

sesquipedalian · 07/12/2025 17:48

“her younger sister does sleep in her room while she’s at uni, because her room is huge whereas little sister’s is much smaller.”

So why don’t they just completely swap bedrooms? My DD gave her bedroom to her younger sister when she went to uni, and after that just slept in any empty bedroom when she came home, or shared with one of her sisters if everyone was home.

^ this.
DH had a large bedroom, his younger brother had the box room - they swapped as soon as DH went to uni (& we had to squeeze into a single bed when I stayed over during the holidays!). It was only fair as DH wasn't there most of the time.

TheMorgenmuffel · 07/12/2025 19:48

sometimes the best thing we can tell our kids is to get a grip.

EchoedSilence · 07/12/2025 19:49

She sounds a bit lost and homesick. She probably needs reassuring she always has a home with you for as long as she needs it.

Bobiverse · 07/12/2025 19:50

It’s no wonder she behaves like a baby when you’re acting like she is one. Why have you bought new pyjamas for her? When I was 18/19 and at uni, and I came home to visit, I’d have looked at my mum like this 🤨, if she bought me new pyjamas just cause I came back for a visit. I had pyjamas. Don’t need to be babied.

Brefugee · 07/12/2025 19:51

so can i get this straight. All you #TeamDD think that it is perfectly fair for the child living at home most of the time, due to an accident of birth, have to have the smaller room?

Give your heads a collective wobble.

reversingdumptruckwithnotyreson · 07/12/2025 19:53

I agree with a PP that said going to uni ≠ moving out, so I probably wouldn’t have wanted someone moving in and out of my bedroom.

Either swap it fully or don’t. How often does she go back home?

AdjustingVideoFrameRate · 07/12/2025 19:57

Some really harsh responses here about the daughter. Of course she thinks the world revolves around her! She’s 19, not a mature person in her 30s with all the perspective that implies. Nineteen isn’t a child, but it isn’t an adult either, and leaving home to go to university is a massive deal - it’s not necessarily a happy whirlwind of parties and fun. It can be an intense time when a lot of insecurities come to the surface.

CantBreathe90 · 07/12/2025 19:59

TyroleanKnockabout · 07/12/2025 17:46

God teenagers are so dramatic!

This! Imagine having the energy for that many feelings!

lookingfornotifications · 07/12/2025 20:04

One of mine got married a few years ago and has had an upset about missing out on the same closeness with family as when she lived here. Well, yes, it's a natural progression and things don't stay the same! She can be a bit dramatic and emotional too. We're still close, it's just different.

Maybe you could talk to her about how she's feeling and the natural process of moving out of home? I think it can be a big and hard adjustment.

Tiedyeegg · 07/12/2025 20:05

I don’t think you were wrong to tell her to get a grip but I do think it might be helpful to reassure her that you do live and miss her but you’re also proud of her for taking the step in her life and that it’s your job as her parent to support her to become independent and build her own life

I think most of have been guilty of being at least a little moody and overdramatic at that age

Original poster
feedmefudge · 07/12/2025 20:06

Bobiverse · 07/12/2025 19:50

It’s no wonder she behaves like a baby when you’re acting like she is one. Why have you bought new pyjamas for her? When I was 18/19 and at uni, and I came home to visit, I’d have looked at my mum like this 🤨, if she bought me new pyjamas just cause I came back for a visit. I had pyjamas. Don’t need to be babied.

Sorry, but your point is absolutely ridiculous.

OP posts:
Frenchfrychic · 07/12/2025 20:09

Gently op, maybe the apple didn’t fall far from the tree here, you both reacted emotionally. All you had to do is say I’m so excited to see you and you’ve your room back for Xmas, safe journey and can’t wait to see you x

herbalteabag · 07/12/2025 20:10

She does sound dramatic but I didn't let my youngest have the bigger room until his brother stopped coming home from uni for most of the holidays. If she is still coming home for 5 months of the year then I would have left it as it was. Uni isn't properly moving out.

user2848502016 · 07/12/2025 20:14

Remember she is only 19, a lot of 19 year olds are self absorbed especially after a term in uni with lots of other self absorbed young adults!
Hopefully it’ll be ok when she arrives and realises she is glad to be home

wrongthinker · 07/12/2025 20:17

Oh bless her, she sounds like she would like to be babied a little bit and made to feel loved. I think it's fine to tell her to get a grip when she says silly things like this, but also see it as a sign that she just wants a bit of attention. New pyjamas, lots of cuddles, and telling her how much you've missed her is probably all she wants, anyway. After a couple of months, she'll be sick of you all and ready to go off again!

Dollymylove · 07/12/2025 20:17

When my eldest DS joined the armed forces the front door hadn't even swung shut before DS 2 moved into his bedroom 🤣🤣

Newtothisplace · 07/12/2025 20:18

Why can’t she keep her room, as it is without younger sis getting it. Uni holidays are long and the summer break up to 4 months. She’s gone to uni not moved out permanently just yet.

allthingsinmoderation · 07/12/2025 20:20

I'd reply saying : what do you mean "moved on"?
We miss you but are glad you are living your life.
No one has "casually stolen" you room.
Your room is here for you anytime you return.
Ive just cleaned, put new bed linen on your bed and laid out new pyjamas for you.
And yes, get a grip.

Whatwouldnanado · 07/12/2025 20:45

TangoWhiskeyAlphaTango123 · 07/12/2025 18:24

No the room belongs to OP and it is up to her who sleeps in there without negotiation. Older DD gets to have the room when home so what on earth is the issue?

You sound like a lovely kind caring Mum OP but teenagers can be tricky, I have one who has just graduated and one in Uni so I am well versed in kids of this age.

Show quote history

Gosh what a high handed sounding response to my post. It’s my opinion, which I thought was kind of the point of Mumsnet. (For the record I’m mum of four graduates, two grandchildren heading that way next year).
Teenagers can be tricky but so can the first year at uni. There’s a need to separate, but a huge need for the reassurance of home.