Was I too harsh on my daughter?

[feedmefudge]

19 year old daughter, on her way home for Christmas this evening from uni. She stays in Halls a few hours away.
I am happy and excited to see her but am also taking a deep breath at the thought! She’s amazing and I love her to bits, but she’s not what you’d call the most positive person.
So here I am today, on a rare day off (I’m working 7 days at the moment, to make ends meet), cleaning her room, changing the bedding, getting all the stuff she likes to eat, buying some extra little treats like new pyjamas for coming home, laying everything out for her. Oh, and buying all her Christmas presents of course.
So it’s a bit of a kick in the teeth to get this text, literally from her train home!

Sometimes it actually upsets me that everyone moved on from me moving out so quickly and just went on with their lives not being remotely sad? And my room was casually stolen?

To explain, her younger sister does sleep in her room while she’s at uni, because her room is huge whereas little sister’s is much smaller. However she will have it back for the holidays, hence the fresh bedding etc!
It just feels that nothing I do is good enough and that she doesn’t really live in the real world.
I am a loving, supportive and emotionally intelligent mum … but I’m afraid in this case I told her to get a grip.
AIBU?

Don't be so miserable! I loved when my mother did this for me when I was coming home from college. It's a nice gesture, not babying!

The OP thinks that telling her, on this occasion, to get a grip was too harsh and has started a mumsnet thread about it. I’m guessing this girl hasn’t been told no much, and is very much babied. The whole performance about her coming home for a visit is just another sign of that.
And a 19 year old sending that text is a neon sign that she was babied and spoiled.

I'd take that as she needs reassurance that you are excited to see her.
I'd tell her that actually you are super excited to see her, and you've missed her! I'd also tell her that you are not sad she's at uni, you're super proud of her and how she's dealt with some tricky issues, but are happy that she's coming back for the holidays.

I would not say too much about the room swap thing.
We are swapping round rooms soon now my eldest has started uni. He's not impressed either.
I've told him that he will always have a home here no matter what, but that doesn't mean the biggest room.

The level of drama at 19 is something else. Of course her room wasn't left unoccupied. And life goes on. Or is that only allowed for her? Main character energy is tedious.

It’s Christmas……everybody gets new pyjamas ….why are you being weird.🙄

For Christmas… not because you’ve come home to visit so mum rolls out the red carpet with days of preparation for it. Given the girls text, she is definitely babied.

Join “What I wish I knew about university” on Facebook. There are lots of posts about how obnoxious some young folk are when they first come home from uni. It’s a hard transition coming back to parental rules after the freedom of uni. They are adults but haven’t quite mastered the complexities of proper adulting yet.

I think that message would have sounded completely different if it had been verbal and the two of you would have had a totally different interaction. It's too easy to read a harshness that isn't there in a text. I think it's generally better not to react to the tone you've perceived in a text because it probably won't match the person's real tone.

Nothing wrong with treating your daughter to new pyjamas. I think that's nice. (Although she's not a mind reader so wouldn't have known what you'd been doing when she sent the message.)

When I went to Uni I had a mad feeling that when I left home, my family kind of froze and only came to life again when I came home for the holidays. It’s only with a bit of growing up that you realise the world does not revolve around you and parents have a life of their own.

We all got the biggest bedroom at home in turn as people grew up and moved out.
Like others have suggested, I wonder if your DD is homesick and wants everything the same for security?
Growing up can be painful.

She’s being ridiculous and needs to be told so firmly but kindly. They are soooo self absorbed at this age.

We swapped the girls rooms over the week before dd1 left for uni. She didn’t love it but she had had the huge attic room with the en-suite for 5 years. Her sisters was in a perfectly nice but not as good room uncomplainingly. Would have been extremely unfair to preserve the best room for dd1 who isn’t even there.

No they don’t. Little children maybe, and adults who can choose to buy them or not. Not “everybody”, despite what Instagram might tell you.

i can tell you don’t live in NW where I’m from then 🤣….. everyone gets new Christmas pjs ….like absolutely everyone

You have indulged your daughter excessively and that is why she has no resilience.

Too late to do anything about now, though. That die is cast.

You are right - you're guessing.

My children's bedrooms are their bedrooms until they permanently move out. Uni is not permanently moving out.

If one child has a bigger room than the other, room swapping should have been discussed and agreed well before Uni age.

Since OP said the wealthy dad has given them everything they’ve wanted, then yeah… spoiled. And that text from a 19 year old? That’s a kid who has never had to think about anything other than herself.

I'm sure you probably were a bit sad when she moved out but what on earth did she expect you all to do? Sit around crying until she came home?

My brother moved into my room the day I left for university as I had the biggest room and he was in the box room, I don't see why anyone could complain about that.

Yeah I think you were too harsh. She said it upsets her. Maybe acknowledge that and offer to talk it through, instead of totally shutting her down. If my mum told me to get a grip when I told her I was upset, I’d honestly just reverse the journey and go back to university.

Maybe she isn’t adjusting to uni as well as she’d hoped?

Half of my family lives in the NW, so again, you’re wrong.

A mum being nice to her child returning home, is not babying or rolling out the red carpet. Jeez. That's depressing

You are coming across as quite bitter, and your posts don’t reflect on this girl and her mother, but they reflect on you, and speak loudly to your issues. And they must run very deep indeed due to your clear bitterness over this woman being welcomed home and privately educated.

there are many reasons this young woman may have sent this text, having a bad day, upset about something else, she’s 19, making her own way, early doors in university, wanting reassurance. It doesn’t mean she’s babied. It’s also ok to roll out the red carpet, it isn’t a crime, in fact it can be a lovely thing to do, for a young adult recently left home, to make them feel loved and special.

I don’t know what’s happened in your life to cause your feelings of bitterness and resentment for young people who may have had privileges or whose parents treat them well. But they are your issues and you need to deal with them.

Not too harsh at all. I can relate. I was devastated when my dd1 moved to uni 120 miles away. After about a month I started to feel better & began using her bedroom to get ready for work in the mornings so as not to disturb OH & therefore kept my makeup, clothes etc there. (We also store random stuff in there until we get round to finding a permanent place for it.) Not long after she left she said she was "pissed off" that her bedroom was a mess as dd2 had sent her a photo! But i think she's got over it now & probably doesn't think about it. It's always spick & span when she comes home with, like you, fresh bedding & maybe a treat or two waiting for her! She'll get over it

I was privately educated and have wonderful parents, who also bought me my house and pretty much made sure I had and have everything I’ll ever need. But they also made sure I worked; I got a job at 16, I was strongly encouraged to do volunteer work, I was also made very aware of my privilege and taught to think from other’s perspectives before reacting to things.

Since joining mumsnet, it’s clear this isn’t common. The behaviour of some of the young adult children of mumsnet shocks me. I would never have behaved like that at 19, and my parents didn’t need to fill the house with things I liked just because I came back to visit from uni. This girl is getting everything, yet still texts her mum to say she feels like everyone just moved on from her like she didn’t matter. I mean seriously, wtf even is that? She expects the world to revolve around her?
And the fact that her mum is on here posting about being too harsh because she has told her daughter no for the first time…
This is a girl who has been spoiled (like I was) but not given the values she needed to go with it, to keep her behaviour grounded.

OP has said she was spoiled, that she does struggle to see other people’s side of things and does feel like the world revolves around her. She’s been spoiled and babied and is now a young adult who behaves like someone who is spoiled and babied.