Page 5 | Was I too harsh on my daughter?

Whatafustercluck · 08/12/2025 13:22

Eldest had the biggest room, next eldest had the next biggest room, youngest (me) had the smallest room. When eldest went to uni, we moved up rooms because we spent the most time there and needed more room (since eldest had taken many of her possessions with her). Never any arguments, it was a well understood rule.

In terms of the op's dd's message, I'd ignore it and say something positive back instead: "Hey, pleased you're well on your way! We're all so excited to have you back home for Christmas! Safe journey and see you soon." But then I can be annoying like that.

Fedupofwimps · 08/12/2025 13:26

AdjustingVideoFrameRate · 07/12/2025 19:57

Some really harsh responses here about the daughter. Of course she thinks the world revolves around her! She’s 19, not a mature person in her 30s with all the perspective that implies. Nineteen isn’t a child, but it isn’t an adult either, and leaving home to go to university is a massive deal - it’s not necessarily a happy whirlwind of parties and fun. It can be an intense time when a lot of insecurities come to the surface.

Of course 19 is an adult! What on earth are you on about.
I moved out of home permanently at 20 years old, goodness me, I certainly didn't have mummy buying me new pj's🤣
I was bringing my own child up at 23....when are we going to stop babying our young people?

AdjustingVideoFrameRate · 08/12/2025 13:38

Branleuse · 08/12/2025 10:55

A mum being nice to her child returning home, is not babying or rolling out the red carpet. Jeez. That's depressing

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Exactly. Some really hard-nosed posters on this thread, aren’t there!

latetothefisting · 08/12/2025 13:42

Not harsh enough!

Why on earth are you doing so much before her arrival as though you're expecting a visit from the queen?

Surely the point of coming home is its the place where you're treated as part of the family, not a special visitor everyone makes a big deal about?

ConnieHeart · 08/12/2025 13:52

latetothefisting · 08/12/2025 13:42

Not harsh enough!

Why on earth are you doing so much before her arrival as though you're expecting a visit from the queen?

Surely the point of coming home is its the place where you're treated as part of the family, not a special visitor everyone makes a big deal about?

Edited

Everything OP listed is what a normal parent would do for their kids if they're coming home for a while after being away ie cleaning their room, fresh bedding & getting extra food in. Only the treats & new pj's are extra which I presume us because it's Christmas. Hardly doing "so much"

Stompythedinosaur · 08/12/2025 14:00

Yes, she's being an ungrateful madam and telling her to get a grip was completely appropriate imo.

Maybe have a conversation when she's back about how you do love and miss her, and try to ignore the drama llama behaviour.

One day she'll probably look back and cringe.

Friendlyfart · 08/12/2025 14:29

She needs to get a grip, seriously.

tothelefttotheleft · 08/12/2025 15:09

@Fedupofwimps

Someone will be along in a minute to say brains aren't fully developed until 25.

Drives me mad. We let people teach, police , nurse etc but we also can't consider them 'proper' adults.

KaleidoscopeSmile · 08/12/2025 15:19

Frenchfrychic · 08/12/2025 11:55

You are coming across as quite bitter, and your posts don’t reflect on this girl and her mother, but they reflect on you, and speak loudly to your issues. And they must run very deep indeed due to your clear bitterness over this woman being welcomed home and privately educated.

there are many reasons this young woman may have sent this text, having a bad day, upset about something else, she’s 19, making her own way, early doors in university, wanting reassurance. It doesn’t mean she’s babied. It’s also ok to roll out the red carpet, it isn’t a crime, in fact it can be a lovely thing to do, for a young adult recently left home, to make them feel loved and special.

I don’t know what’s happened in your life to cause your feelings of bitterness and resentment for young people who may have had privileges or whose parents treat them well. But they are your issues and you need to deal with them.

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Bit of wild psychological extrapolation there Sigmund!

Emonade · 08/12/2025 18:58

feedmefudge · 07/12/2025 19:02

Ha ha, she would say that though!
It really wasn’t. And I wouldn’t be much of a mum if I allowed her room to be taken over without prior discussion.

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You have said she is anxious, that text is anxiety. She sounds like she is having a tough time and needs support and compassion not being described as a negative person.

Notthehill · 08/12/2025 19:44

Tryingatleast · 07/12/2025 18:20

She’s just feeling blue, leave her to it, smile nod and do something nice for yourself

Yes, exactly. Ignore, smile and wave.

StruggleFlourish · 08/12/2025 19:44

Nah. The only thing that changed for you is that your daughter is away at school, for your daughter, everything changed. It's a big transition. Plus, going from living at home, being a kid, to living away from home and being considered an adult or a young adult where you have to be responsible for getting yourself up, getting to school, getting your laundry done, meal times, all the things, you don't have a parent who can make sure that things go smoothly if you drop the ball. It's a hard time. And you hate the thought of your room which used to be your sanctuary, the safe place that you could always return to, disappearing. Whether it be a sibling taking it over or you turning it into a craft room or an exercise room, her room is gone. It's like she's being forced out. She'll get over this in a few years, when she's finished school and goes off probably gets a boyfriend, gets a job, and doesn't ever come back ever again, she won't think so much about her room at home, I would say, as annoying as it is because you work and you're doing all this extra, and she does seem a little entitled and ungrateful, she still is your kid. A big kid, but a kid anyway.

Theslummymummy · 08/12/2025 19:46

Ungrateful, spoilt brat.

Wildefish · 08/12/2025 20:01

feedmefudge · 07/12/2025 17:40

19 year old daughter, on her way home for Christmas this evening from uni. She stays in Halls a few hours away.
I am happy and excited to see her but am also taking a deep breath at the thought! She’s amazing and I love her to bits, but she’s not what you’d call the most positive person.
So here I am today, on a rare day off (I’m working 7 days at the moment, to make ends meet), cleaning her room, changing the bedding, getting all the stuff she likes to eat, buying some extra little treats like new pyjamas for coming home, laying everything out for her. Oh, and buying all her Christmas presents of course.
So it’s a bit of a kick in the teeth to get this text, literally from her train home!

Sometimes it actually upsets me that everyone moved on from me moving out so quickly and just went on with their lives not being remotely sad? And my room was casually stolen?

To explain, her younger sister does sleep in her room while she’s at uni, because her room is huge whereas little sister’s is much smaller. However she will have it back for the holidays, hence the fresh bedding etc!
It just feels that nothing I do is good enough and that she doesn’t really live in the real world.
I am a loving, supportive and emotionally intelligent mum … but I’m afraid in this case I told her to get a grip.
AIBU?

She’s young and feeling sad. Perhaps uni has exhausted her. Text her back and say what you have said here. Isn’t it better she tell you how she’s feeling rather than moping about. It’s hard being this age . Unfortunately being a mum doesn’t stop when the hit 18, in fact I think it’s harder. Good luck.

GrooveArmada · 08/12/2025 20:04

JackGrealishsCalves · 07/12/2025 17:44

I'd reply, actually darling we were completely devastated but good parents hide that so as not to guilt trip their children.
Maybe when you go back we will cry uncontrollably and beg you to stay

Love the first part of this response, it's perfect!

PinkSkies2026 · 08/12/2025 20:16

Agree she's probably dealing with change of being at uni and is projecting onto you. Probably just wants to feel loved, we miss you so much, can't wait to see you, and all that.

Ladygardenerinderby · 08/12/2025 21:38

Ooh the drama !! Might be something else going on , fallouts in halls or homesick?? Otherwise she’s being a drama queen and I’d ignore the comments

Imanautumn · 08/12/2025 21:54

She’s probably just homesick

piscofrisco · 09/12/2025 05:16

My DD, also 19 comes out with this sort of nonsense from time to time. Grit your teeth and ignore it. And hope they grow out of it. Mine lives at home with us still and at this point I’m beginning to hope (but would never say) that she soon moves out as the constant drama is draining. It’s the worst phase of parenting for me by far!

NoisyViewer · 09/12/2025 05:29

You’ve dealt with it in the way it’s deserved. When she walks through fhe door give her a big hug & tell her you’ve missed her. She’ll come round .

MrsDoubtingMyself · 09/12/2025 06:31

Back in my day (uni 1980s) I would never have said anything like that to my parents because there would have been zero point. I would have been told to get a grip and stop being negative and moany

I think we've moved on, in 2025, and we understand more. Maybe not after reading this thread 🙄

Bear in mind that your daughter didn't know what you were doing for her....room, PJs , presents - and also, this is what mothers do, isn't it? No need for martyrdom

Should your daughter decide to go NC with you, in the future, you'll be able to trace it back to you perceiving her as negative even though all she needs is to be heard and helped

DallazMajor · 09/12/2025 06:36

”Sorry for late reply but I’ve been busy knitting a red carpet from Indonesian alpaca wool to roll out for you on your return”.

thepariscrimefiles · 09/12/2025 06:49

Bobiverse · 08/12/2025 12:52

I was privately educated and have wonderful parents, who also bought me my house and pretty much made sure I had and have everything I’ll ever need. But they also made sure I worked; I got a job at 16, I was strongly encouraged to do volunteer work, I was also made very aware of my privilege and taught to think from other’s perspectives before reacting to things.

Since joining mumsnet, it’s clear this isn’t common. The behaviour of some of the young adult children of mumsnet shocks me. I would never have behaved like that at 19, and my parents didn’t need to fill the house with things I liked just because I came back to visit from uni. This girl is getting everything, yet still texts her mum to say she feels like everyone just moved on from her like she didn’t matter. I mean seriously, wtf even is that? She expects the world to revolve around her?
And the fact that her mum is on here posting about being too harsh because she has told her daughter no for the first time…
This is a girl who has been spoiled (like I was) but not given the values she needed to go with it, to keep her behaviour grounded.

OP has said she was spoiled, that she does struggle to see other people’s side of things and does feel like the world revolves around her. She’s been spoiled and babied and is now a young adult who behaves like someone who is spoiled and babied.

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You parents actually bought you a house and you are berating OP and telling her that she is spoiling her daughter because she has bought her some pyjamas! I assume that all your siblings had large bedrooms so there would be no need for them use your bedroom when you went to University.

Notthehill · 10/12/2025 16:18

MrsDoubtingMyself · 09/12/2025 06:31

Back in my day (uni 1980s) I would never have said anything like that to my parents because there would have been zero point. I would have been told to get a grip and stop being negative and moany

I think we've moved on, in 2025, and we understand more. Maybe not after reading this thread 🙄

Bear in mind that your daughter didn't know what you were doing for her....room, PJs , presents - and also, this is what mothers do, isn't it? No need for martyrdom

Should your daughter decide to go NC with you, in the future, you'll be able to trace it back to you perceiving her as negative even though all she needs is to be heard and helped

"Should your daughter decide to go NC with you, in the future, you'll be able to trace it back to you perceiving her as negative even though all she needs is to be heard and helped"

WTF?!
Please tell me this is a joke.

Hiptothisjive · 10/12/2025 16:22

She being overly dramatic and you are overreacting.