To be surprised about friend's household income

[CuriousKit]

Recently went to see a friend. She's always been bit insecure about other people spending on things like people going on holidays or buying a nice car etc. she earns well herself but she gets insecure about others going up on career ladder etc. she says she never puts heating on or never bought a new cloth, always bought from charity etc. I have spent significant time listening to her and reassuring her that she's doing well.
Anyways her DH casually dropped her earning from last year, a whopping £550k, take home 300k. I was shocked at why she would be so insecure and miserable. We don't earn anywhere near that sort of amount but live a decent life so I am sure she can have a very nice life and not worry so much and be this insecure.

For a lot of high earners, take home income and household spending are two completely different figures. Money gets put away into investments, and income from those reinvested, while the budget for dw and dc sometimes doesn’t even keep up with inflation.

The ONS looks at median salaries of fill
time employees. This was £39,039 in April 2025. It’s not £27,000. Average is pointless as the vast number of part time employees pulls it down.

Also who actually tells a friend they earn £1/2 million knowing their wife spends next to nothing? My DH earned a lot but we never spoke of numbers to friends.

I'm always amazed that people on MN know their friends' salaries.

It’s probably as a result of Labour coming for her wages. She must be terrified!

Its really hard for folk on high incomes. Labour has got it in for them. No wonder they're terrified.

Wait until you find out what's going on for people on low incomes....

An old casual friend was married to an odious man. She worked full time bought everything for the children paid whatever he told her was half of the household income each month. He pleaded poverty all the time. When he died his kids were executors. They found so much money plus investments and a massive pension. it was very distressing for the whole family.

She is now a much happier person without the fear of poverty at the back of her mind and finally stopped working in her seventies

I have a friend like this. They earn very well, especially the husband. But she will insist on shopping at Aldi and buying clothes from Vinted or cheap high street shops. It’s all some weird pretence, like she’s embarrassed about how wealthy they are. It’s exhausting and tedious. They’re in the process of buying a £2m house but she acts like she doesn’t know what it costs and has nothing to do with their finances because the husband manages everything. Sometimes I think she does it because some other good friends are teachers and she thinks it’s awkward to be so much better off than them.

I would really question the motives of her dh telling you this. Is he trying to drive you away to further isolate her?

There's a LOT of fees to do exams, relocating for jobs prior to consultancy, a lot of costs in general to be a dr (plus pretty low wages to start off with). I don't think I've seen a consultant earn that much though! She probably has a lot of debt she's trying to get out of!

it can be stressful being married to someone with a high salary if the DH still expects you to split the cost of things but also demands expensive holidays and food etc because they can afford that kind of thing. makes life very expensive.

And on your side, I can see why you’re shocked, but be careful not to fall into the ‘I would be happy if I had that money’ trap.
People can be anxious at any income.
Money doesn’t magically delete old insecurities, and some people cling to frugality as part of their personality long after they’ve stopped needing it.

Your friend might genuinely struggle with comparison — and her husband’s casual boasting probably doesn’t help that dynamic.

That said, spending years lamenting £3 charity shop dresses while the household take-home is £300k does make the whole thing feel… slightly theatrical.
She’s not living in hardship — she’s living in a perfectly good life and hasn’t realised it yet.

You’re not unreasonable to be surprised.
Just don’t let their numbers rewrite how you see your own life.

Anyway, I think the husband made some mistakes, one of which was sharing his wife's financial situation with you.

Judging your friend harshly and encouraging others to do the same isn’t something a good friend would do, especially if it means criticizing her life and making her an easy target for negativity. A true friend wouldn’t behave like that, which makes it seem like there might be some underlying bad feelings toward her.

I’m also judging the husband for sharing something that wasn’t his to share.

Here’s a tip for anyone reading this: don’t share personal or financial details unless you’re sure the person is trustworthy and not active on social media or forums where your info could be exposed. Instead, consider using AI platforms, which can often be more helpful and nonjudgmental.

People aren't always awfully nice with people who earn so highly.

My guess is that she's previously lost friends due to her having much more than others - that there had been some spite or assumption that she would pay or lend unfairly.

Maybe she's just overdoing it on the 'every man' normality front in order to deflect from the disparity?

There is an element of if you were poor growing up, or became poor because you lost your job or whatever, it's not a situation that you want to repeat, so living frugally while having enough money to see you through a difficult period becomes normal. Unlike the vast number of people who can't afford a pot to piss in.

Must be very old. I knew an old businessman once who owned outright three prime Kensington houses outright and probably more besides, and his wife still complained/remarked on the price of vegetables at her local store. Honestly !

that comes from the past. People cary their scars all their life if they don’t try to heal them.

@Joeninety
Well yeah but I mean it is chit chat… what do you want her to say “gosh we just made another 10K whilst sitting here having coffee”…surely you can understand that the random veg are too expensive these days (which they are) talk is a complete different one than being deeply troubled by “do we have enough?” “It isn’t secure to go higher” type of vibes…

She would not mention it if not aware that she was being financially abused. Maybe he holds the purse strings and she only has a set amount given to her. If she is not financially savvy on how things should work in relationships perhaps a kind and gentle approach is required. Suggest she squirrels away some money and see her response to that first.

How do you know you are being told the truth?

All sounds a bit odd to
me.

Oh I totally hear what you're saying. As someone who earns a lot a lot a lot less than that, it would annoy me very much to hear her moaning about not having money to spend on things, and complaining about other people's spending habits when you know that she's got it.

The only thing I can suggest is to treat what she's saying the same way that if a thin person would go on and on and on about calories and exercise and eating and dieting, they may have anorexia or some other eating disorder. Even if there's a skinniest person you've ever seen, they have a mental condition which tells them that they're not skinny enough. Maybe your friend is like this but with money.

You know, she knows you know. I wouldn’t dodge it. The next time she mentions it I’d be honest in what your thoughts are. She’s not poor & if she is it’s not for what she’s earns so really shouldn’t have sour grapes on how others live. I’m financially secure & so is my mate. She’s just bought an old cottage in the countryside. We went round & she dropped out she spent 10k on her door curtain & 17k on her carpets. She were a group of 4 with 2 of girls barely making ends meet so I thought that was tackless. I get your mate in a way because if I think I’ve paid a lot for something I keep quiet. But if I have a top on that costs £5 the whole world would know of the bargain I’ve had

Maybe she’s only recently earning this sort of money? Someone I know I inherited a lot of money a couple of years ago - think £1.5m+. She’d never completely been on her uppers but had always had to budget wisely and just found it impossible to stop watching the pennies all the time.

Am I the only one who thinks the husband might be lying about how much he makes?

She's batshit or one of them is a liar...

Maybe he's lying
I mean who's stingy enough to accept ffriends generosity when they earn that much?
Very dishonorable 🤔