To be surprised about friend's household income

[CuriousKit]

Recently went to see a friend. She's always been bit insecure about other people spending on things like people going on holidays or buying a nice car etc. she earns well herself but she gets insecure about others going up on career ladder etc. she says she never puts heating on or never bought a new cloth, always bought from charity etc. I have spent significant time listening to her and reassuring her that she's doing well.
Anyways her DH casually dropped her earning from last year, a whopping £550k, take home 300k. I was shocked at why she would be so insecure and miserable. We don't earn anywhere near that sort of amount but live a decent life so I am sure she can have a very nice life and not worry so much and be this insecure.

Ahh it too a while but there it is.

He casually dropped her earnings. Not his. So it will be paid to her directly.

She is earning that. Not he.

The OP updated that it’s his earnings not hers.

Maybe you could buy her a new cloth for Christmas.

Edit to add: I prefer that people would never guess how much I earn, it’s not just about financial insecurity. I have a few friends who earn very little and I’d hate for anyone to feel uncomfortable around me because of the disparity in earnings. I’ve also seen how many people behave around people they consider to be wealthy, and it can be quite cringy IMO.

Mmm. She has a problem. She’s in a rut and she doesn’t know how to enjoy herself. Surely you must know what job she has and ball park salary for that job? Odd if you didn’t unless she’s self employed. I’d just leave her be. Folks are odd!

That woman would be so much better off emotionally and financially if they divorced. It’s so sad when someone is so downtrodden they don’t have the courage to leave.

I think she's extremely frugal and at the same time she might have husband problem as people are pointing out.

Next time she moans, just say “but x said he earns x, why do you feel you can’t have this and that?”

It might be a relief for her to talk about it.

And cut it accordingly.

OP said his earnings.

She might have separate finances to her husband so maybe that’s why. He’s probably financially abusive and she’s having to make do with what she earns because how can someone not be able to afford any holiday whilst earning over 300k a year.

Why did you say she earns £500k and now you're saying that's his earnings?

Could be her husband is controlling her?

I've got an aunt like that. She was left a lot of money, but is still so frugal. Her house needs gutting, but she won't spend money on it or even move to a smaller place which would be so much better for her. The mind boggles.

It’s the husband

Most people get a rough idea of someone's wealth by the house they live in, the car they drive.
Given the shock of the earnings mentioned, I assume they also live in a smallish home and have a small car ?

The OP acknowledges the friend earns well. Separately from what we know learn is her the husband earned half a million last year. Unless it is a pub brag and a crock load of nonsense. Or said in a ' I wish' way, and not to be taken at all seriously.

If it were me, I would be inclined to do a bit more digging (if you care for your friend). All too often, there are posts / threads on here by women who have separate financial accounts to their husbands (who earn well), and who do not know what money their dh has, and who end up using their savings in maternity leave, and using credit cards to buy food and nappies, and also end up footing the whole set of nursery fees. There was a thread I was reading like this, this morning.

Can you be absolutely certain that their finances are pooled, and she has access to that amount of money? What if she is just on an average wage, pays for all her dc’s costs out of her income, and perhaps also contributes to food / bills / mortgage, and doesn’t know what her husband earns. I think you possibly have a duty of care, next time she mentions being financially stretched, to ask details about whether they pool resources, or if it is all separate. If she really is struggling, then this is financial abuse isn’t it? (I am not too familiar). There may be a lot she doesn’t know, and she may need your help after she finds out… I would absolutely not be able to stay with someone who was willing to see me struggle financially, while having such a large income, that they did not consider to be money to support their family…

Why would she? It’s her life, her money. Leave her be and watch your own life

What is 'healthcare?

Do you mean he is a qualified doctor, working as a consultant, doing surgery etc, or some sort of 'business consultants' in the health care sector ?

£500K pa isn't going to be unusual for a consultant dr doing private work.

@CuriousKit So self employed? Or NHS? What do they actually do? Is it a salary or dividends?

Why are there so many posts like this on mumsnet? They all seem unbelievable scenarios. There’s no casual way of dropping in conversation you earn £500k pa

A retarded monkey would be able to tell you that you don’t need to be buying second hand cloths if you earn that

also there are relatively few people that earn this much. Amazing they’re all related to someone hanging about here all day

My Nana was always worried about money as she could see what was in the joint bank account and that it wasn't very much. She was allowed a set amount to take out weekly to do the shopping with and granddad paid all the bills and sorted out everything else.

She never told him about how much she worried as she didn't want to put pressure on him. I wish she had as then he would have told her about the several other accounts with massive stacks of savings, more than they'd ever need to cover a comfortable retirement.

He died at 80 and she lived another 15 years afterwards barely putting a dent into it. She had been worrying all those years over nothing.

It sounds like something similar is going on here. Either bad communication or financial abuse, or just ignorance.

I know what I would say.

Jen, honestly you need to relax. Mike mentioned is salary last time I saw him. I nearly fell off my chair to be honest. You do realise you are married to someone who is in the top 2 percent of earners in the country don’t you? Average salary is 27k, your husband takes home £300k. Let that sink in. That’s on top of your salary, which must be way above average. Spoil yourself. Start buying clothes from M&S and not Oxfam. You are really wasting your life worrying. All this time you’ve been fretting and you must be beyond comfortable. I know I am, and it would take me ten years to earn 300k.

Just ask her? We can't answer this for you, but she can.