To be surprised about friend's household income

[CuriousKit]

Recently went to see a friend. She's always been bit insecure about other people spending on things like people going on holidays or buying a nice car etc. she earns well herself but she gets insecure about others going up on career ladder etc. she says she never puts heating on or never bought a new cloth, always bought from charity etc. I have spent significant time listening to her and reassuring her that she's doing well.
Anyways her DH casually dropped her earning from last year, a whopping £550k, take home 300k. I was shocked at why she would be so insecure and miserable. We don't earn anywhere near that sort of amount but live a decent life so I am sure she can have a very nice life and not worry so much and be this insecure.

As PP say it sounds a bit like financial abuse if she’s worried and has no control over the finances.

He could also be bullshitting about his salary.

I'm surprised that during these extensive conversations you've never thought about the possibility.

You'll either have to redirect the conversation or challenge her perception of poverty directly. Or stop seeing her if it bothers you.

What sort of house do they live in?

I earn roughly that. You would never guess this from how I live, I'm quite frugal. Where does this money insecurity come from? Growing up poor, and working hard to be fiercely independent and not rely on anyone else because I've seen so many women being financially abused.
I am nowhere near as frugal as your friend though, and I never talk about other people's financial situations.
At a guess your friend is being financially abused and/or grew up poor and is terrified of ending up poor again.

What’s a ‘healthcare consultant’. I have no idea what that is or what about it would generate half a million pounds a year income.

is it selling BUPA or it’s like to people/companies ?

Well you were already reassuring her she's doing well, so at least you know now you were correct and it wasn't just platitudes.

If he's self employed and earning 500k in invoicing, his take home is NOT 300K. there is no such thing for self employed people operating through a limited company. He will be paying corporation tax, 25% VAT and, currently, 40% tax on any money he takes out of the 500K company profit as dividends. Whilst that is a healthy profit, it is actually quite hard to spend without losing 50% to tax which consequently makes a lot of self employed people quite tight with dividends and spending. Maybe she doesn't understand that and actually doesn't have access to 300K to spend.

Are you sure her husband was serious when he said this? As if anyone I knew told me they earned this much I’d think they were having a laugh.

Other suggestions are that maybe he got a huge new contract this year and didn’t normally earn anything like this. Or that they don’t share finances, maybe she is worried because she earns less than her husband and their set up is that they agreed when first together they would always pay halves, but that this no longer works.
Or yes, her DH may be financially controlling and as in other forms of control, she wouldn’t necessarily want to share this with others. Through no fault of her own, she may feel embarrassed.

I think I would have to ask her about it next time she makes comments around being financially concerned. Not in front of others but when there are just the two of you there.

But she has said she has no clue about outgoings as 'DH manages it all'...... so you have no idea are there large pension pots or savings that she has no access to, does she only get spending money that she wouldn't be able to afford her half of a holiday on, does she get berated if she buys cosmetics or clothes or a haircut from a joint account. Income isn't the only factor in someone's ability to spend money and afford things. There's always the possibility too as others have said that there's a trauma response to experiences in her past that have affected her view of spending and ability to enjoy 'unnecessary' things

It's also common in people with OCD or ASD

Tbh anyone who shops in charity shops must be well off. The ones that I have ventured in. (Can’t stand the smell) or even just looked in the window are hugely overpriced. They are more than buying the item new

I think she needs to ask her dh where the money is going

Dnt they go on holiday, have children, but y new cars etc
If not. Why not

Well, there you are then. Self-employed means that the income can be great for a few years and then dry up completely and you are left with no income at all and a business insolvency. There are no protections in law (redundancy pay etc) and you have all the risk if there is an issue with a client/service/product which means you are personally liable if you get sued.

I think the enormity of how vulnerable SE people are in this climate and economy probably means she is sensibly not taking her current earnings for granted. She is smart to be wary.

Not so smart in her choice of DH, though. He sounds like a dick.

Why? Is she less of a friend now you know her husband has money? Her feelings aren’t any less valid and you’ve still no reason to think she has access to more disposable income.

You sound a bit jealous and judgemental

If your friends DH deals with all outgoings & friend has no idea about expenses etc. (doesn’t she do any food or household shopping?). Is it possible the DH could be a bit ‘Controlling’?

It can become an addiction saving and being frugal. You lose sight of what's normal. Kind of like financial hoarding/anorexia?

I've a mate who claims poverty all the time and gripes over every penny. Accepts my generosity without hesitation. Last time she was moaning she hated her new kitchen..
That cost £30k. While sitting in mine that hasn't been updated since the early 80s.

So yeah I get it's a bit perplexing and annoying.

Exactly this. She is happy to accept generosity and presents etc from others but never bring anything for others etc, which is annoying and tedious especially now that I know what they make.

I would be seriously concerned she is being financially abused if that is his wage, he manages the money etc

My friends husband runs his own IT firm. He is a very high earner. She used to moan about the price of groceries, clothes and buy second hand whenever she can. I got fed up with it all until I realised something wasn't right. She was invited with her husband to receive an OBE from the palace. Husband bought himself a new suit, italian shoes, tie and expensive watch. She couldn't find anything below £20, because that was all he'd given her! She ended up with nothing to wear (and yes she looked like a bag of rags) and he took her shopping to buy her a dress and fascinator. Because he didn't want her embarrassing her. I told her she was being financially abused, as she couldn't access any money. She had to wait to be given money from her husband, which was never enough for groceries. They often went without because she couldn't buy it. She was also director of the company but didn't receive anything. We don't meet anymore as her husband complained that she spends money on coffee when we meet at the cafe.

So what’s your question? Why do you feel the need to discuss someone else’s income on a public forum? How would you feel if they started a thread about your financial situation?

Why are they still married?

I thought that too.

What job does the husband do? Sorry, just seen x

Because she is has low self esteem. I told her it's not normal. When I wasn't working I still accessed our shared bank account. I could buy what I needed and wanted (within budget). Anything big had to be discussed but usually agreed upon. She seemed shocked at this but defended her husband by saying, "he must be investing it for our future". I can't help her, only she can do that. I haven't seen her for a few years. As she can't buy coffee at the cafe anymore.

Sounds like he’s controlling it all, including getting her to think they’re poor! Or something. Can’t you say to her next time ‘but your DH told me you have £X, that should be plenty’?

If they're self employed then I suspect money isn't always as good and there are far fewer guarantees of taking home that wage long term, if it is even true.
He might have just had a really good year.
Knowing a couple where the husband ran his own business and lived the high life but are now in financial straits make me think if I ever was self employed I would absolutely not see it as a long term guarantee.