AIBU to want to distance myself from a very needy friend?

[Freckles67]

I’ve known a friend for about a year, but we’ve only become properly close in the last six months. She’s a lone parent to six young children. She’s originally from quite a privileged background but is now living on benefits due to a family breakdown.
The issue is… she is so needy. She calls me multiple times per day, at least four times, just to go through every detail of her life. She expects help from everyone around her and there’s a sense of entitlement that I really struggle with. Despite everything that’s happened, she still carries herself like she’s above everyone else and is very judgemental toward others.
She constantly asks me for favours, mainly to watch her kids while she “nips out” shopping etc. But her children are extremely hard work honestly, feral and I really don’t want to look after them. My own children are a fair bit older and I’m past that stage.
When she asks, I feel like I can’t say no because of everything she’s been through, but I completely resent it. I feel awful even writing this because I know she’s struggling, but I’m starting to question whether I even like her as a person. At the same time, I don’t feel like I can just cut her off, it feels like that would make me a terrible person. I know circumstances change but she chose to have all of those children and quite clearly can’t manage to look after them. The older children parent the younger ones whilst she spends time on the phone.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? How do you set boundaries without feeling like the world’s worst human?

These type of users are very good at finding folk to run around after them...

Again, no they're not.

They meet a potential new friend and very quickly start asking for favours. Not because they're testing the waters or intentionally testing boundaries but because they ask everyone. They don't have a game plan or a special sixth sense.

If someone doesn't respond positively to the first request, they won't pursue a friendship with that person because they perceive them to be unkind or believe that friends help each other out or they dont want to he friends with a selfish person. Far from them being good at finding people to run around after them and 'users', they are random and chaotic in their interactions.

Occasionally, they meet someone else with poor boundaries and people pleasing tendencies when it's a win all round - two boundary less people both meeting each other's needs. The people pleaser is equally complicit.

Unfortunately, people pleasing comes at a cost. Usually to yourself, your family and those people who wouldn't ask these favours and who are repeatedly let down by someone who has their priorities wrong but can't bear the thought of not being liked by someone they don't really like very much anymore anyway.

Most people pleasers are ultimately insincere and self serving. If you don't want to be taken advantage of, don't be. Don't go along with it because you want to be nice and helpful and liked and then complain about someone behind their back for asking.

The way I look these situations is to imagine myself and the other person on a tandem bike, cycling. We should both be pedalling at roughly the same speed and in the same direction for most of the time. Sometimes I will need to pedal harder if my friend is unwell or needs support and vice versa.

You are pedalling way to hard, in fact you seem to be the only one putting in the hard work. Slow down and see how your she reacts. Chances are she will find someone else to lean on and drop you. Sorry to be harsh.

@GreyCarpet
thanks for adding a different perspective. I don’t think I’m being insincere or self serving. I actually think this happened gradually and sometimes when that happens it’s hard to see through until you’re in an overwhelming situation. I said yes when she occasionally asked at thestart and it then became more frequent and the expectation got higher. The calls became more frequent over the months and I didn’t really sit back and take stock til it was too late. I have grown up with quite a strong catholic background and it was instilled in me from a young age that we have a duty to help those around us who need it. As an adult making my own choices I don’t practice the religion but it can be difficult to break some cycles. I haven’t really noticed this friend was taking the piss til it was too late. I need to pull back for my own sanity but do care about her feelings in the process

@Astra53
that is a great analogy, I hadn’t though of it like that. That’s really helpful! Thank you

Problem is, it can feel good to help people out at the start, as well as feeling a bit special. I would never ask a favour of someone unless I felt very close to them, so if someone asks a favour of me, it can feel like they are saying the same back. So its easy to slip into that pattern.

Knowing someone about a year, and them asking them to look after her children when its less than an emergency, is a bit worrying. I might be overly risk adverse, but I don't like the sound of that. Not saying anything about OP obviously, but there could be someone dodgy out there that could take advantage of that.

Imagine being that person who thinks asking someone who's recovering from an accident, to look after six kids is ok?! That's a special kind of CF.
OP I was in a set up a bit like this that got out of hand and when it ended unpleasantly, the relief was immense.
I had to get honest with myself about how my need to be there for people had played a part in the situation.
I think it sounds impossible to continue with such a person who appears to lack insight but demands by instinct.

Tell her, you are working on yourself and your boundaries with friends and you need to focus most of your emotional and physical energy on healing and your family. Suggest counselling and professional services for her. Tell her you don't have a lot of availability and don't have the professional support skills she needs.

Tell her you feel overwhelmed by the calls and requests for help, and you need to spend most of your time focusing on your own family. Wish her well, but let her know you don't have the answers for her problems.

For the bike analogy, make it a three seat bike with a basket on the front, with six children in the basket, one seat is for mum, one is for dad and the third seat for random helpers.

If the helper must straddle her own bike plus this new one, does the whole juggling act become absurd?

Helper needs to communicate, kindly, it's only possible for me to push my own bike right now. Advise friend to go to St V De P or another charity to see if they supply a spare e bike engine, that might help. You can only cycle your own bike. See you at the pit stops and finish line.

I agree with @GreyCarpet — you’re not being sincere. Your concern about her feelings seems to be chiefly not wanting her to think negatively of you if you start saying no to her. You’ve been picking up her calls and doing childcare because you’re reluctant to deal with the discomfort of refusal. How she responds to you saying no simply isn’t something you can control. You either deal with the fallout or you keep saying yes.

Op I had to mute my phone at wends with a colleague same thing. Did not take the hint. It is tiring but if you keep answering.. I feel she very bored then rings around the group. I told her bluntly my wends are busy. She ring late too

Her life would probably be less hectic if she didn’t spend so much time on the phone! The PP who suggested a slow fade is correct. You don’t need to totally cut her off, but be less available, the approach to Christmas is a busy time and the perfect excuse to busy. Don’t pick up her calls every time.

There's a boundary you can set then. If she is dealing with the children while on a call to you, then say something like "you sound busy, I'll let you get on with it, bye" and hang up.

You need to give yourself permission to put your needs first.

I think I'd slow this down how it's built up-gradually. So take a rest day now and again. "Just turning my phone off today and having a self care day. Don't panic, speak soon!"

ignore a call and only reply later on "sorry I missed you I went for a bath/nap"

keep dialling it down gradually.

tell her you're not well enough to babysit.

just slowly become less convenient.

A parent of 6 children should not have the time to call you several times a day, you might be doing her a favour by ignoring some of her calls, then she can get back to parenting her children as she should

She obviously misses having servants.

Don't let her make one of you

I had a similar situation, although not quite at this level. I was getting multiple messages from an aquintance at a shared hobby. It was constant and draining. So I blocked, deleted and now stay away from her.
You and your needs are important too. She isn't your problem. Sign post her to some DV suppport services and tell her you have stuff going on in your life that means you can't meet her needs.

Why dont you suggest her contacting social care/health visitor for support if shes struggling as a lone parent
or offer to do it for her?
if anything happens whilst you are looking after the children she will turn on you for sure, you need to look after yourself.
shes a manipulator for sure, met many over the years, one of my sisters, school mums, mums in childcare settings where i have worked.

You send one, firm and concise message about why it has to stop. As you say you aren't getting anything from this friendship and the likely outcome is you fall out I don't see what you have to lose.

She's a manipulator. You have been way too kind and getting nothing back.
Start ignoring her calls until she gets the message

OP, you are being used and abused.
You could be anybody.

Only you can fix this.
Your injuries and recovery mean nothing to her.
She wants anyone to help.

Only you can protect yourself.
Block her number if necessary.
She'll find another mug to use quick enough.

Take responsibility for yourself; you’re still people pleasing and whether it’s with this person or others, if you don’t put healthy boundaries in place for yourself, you’ll keep repeating this pattern.

People like her don't deserve friends, because they just exploit them for their own ends. Fuck her.

This friendship is not working for you I’d distance myself from it. Moreover, she’s being demanding and a little manipulative to expect instant attention or an explanation of why you weren’t available for her.

If you get the inquisition, ask her why she needs to know. If necessary, tell her you don’t have to account to her for how you spend your time and won’t be doing so.

So every time you get that question you tell her you’re going to be incredibly busy and don’t have a minute to spare.