AIBU to want to distance myself from a very needy friend?

[Freckles67]

I’ve known a friend for about a year, but we’ve only become properly close in the last six months. She’s a lone parent to six young children. She’s originally from quite a privileged background but is now living on benefits due to a family breakdown.
The issue is… she is so needy. She calls me multiple times per day, at least four times, just to go through every detail of her life. She expects help from everyone around her and there’s a sense of entitlement that I really struggle with. Despite everything that’s happened, she still carries herself like she’s above everyone else and is very judgemental toward others.
She constantly asks me for favours, mainly to watch her kids while she “nips out” shopping etc. But her children are extremely hard work honestly, feral and I really don’t want to look after them. My own children are a fair bit older and I’m past that stage.
When she asks, I feel like I can’t say no because of everything she’s been through, but I completely resent it. I feel awful even writing this because I know she’s struggling, but I’m starting to question whether I even like her as a person. At the same time, I don’t feel like I can just cut her off, it feels like that would make me a terrible person. I know circumstances change but she chose to have all of those children and quite clearly can’t manage to look after them. The older children parent the younger ones whilst she spends time on the phone.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? How do you set boundaries without feeling like the world’s worst human?

@Dogmum1983
thank you!
this is exactly it, she really has undoubtedly had a terrible time over the last 18 months and I do feel as though I need to tread carefully and kindly with this.

@Milkwort

im not trying to avoid responsibility. Im just looking for suggestions on how i can create some distance and boundaries in a way which reduces pressure on me but it also kind and understanding towards her situation.
this wasn’t an overnight thing, it infact came on very slowly and built to where it is today

I have had problems in the past with being a people pleaser and struggled to say no.

If you do actually want to have some kind of friendship relationship with her, you can pace it to suit yourself instead of letting her do that. So you could say to her, look 4 calls a day is too much for me, so you'll need to call less often. That is being upfront, as opposed to the slow fade others have suggested. Its all to do with whether you want to continue the "friendship". When asked to look after her DC say its not something you want to do. You do sound very much over-concerned about what people think. With better self-esteem you would have a better sense of self-preservation, and would not get into a situation like this. Please put yourself at the centre of yourself, so to speak, so you will at least recognise what is right for you.
The airline adage to put on your own airmask first before you try to help anyone else, is for a good reason - if you lose yourself you can't help anyone anyway.💐

I would be frank and tell her that , although you want her to feel better, you feel overwhelmed and exhausted by her constant contact and requests. Suggest that seeing a counsellor would help her much better than you can.

@GreenCandleWax
Thank you for the comment. You are spot on I really do need to get better at saying no and putting myself first. I would like to salvage something from this, I think a call once or twice a week to catch up would be perfect for me but I think at this stage in her life she needs more support than that. I suffered a serious accident and injury within the last year and I’m still trying to put myself right from that so all of her problems are taking a toll on me.

@OLDERME
i agree! She definitely needs some support from a professional. I will still be there for her through that but the current volume of contact is too much

@Freckles67 then frame it like that “I’m still recovering from X myself and I realise I need to focus on myself for a bit”. Once a week is plenty of calls. Get in the habit when she asks what you’re doing of saying how full your diary is. You cannot help anyone with their empty cup if you are running on empty yourself xx

But OP hasn’t even tried that. She just wants to go for the immature, nuclear option of ignoring her. It’s entirely possible to have a conversation with an ND person.

@BoredZelda
I’ve never said I want to ignore her. I’m not sure where you have gotten that from. I’m asking about setting boundaries in a way which is kind and understanding towards the other persons needs.

OP you’re actually being used, even if it’s not intentional.

Ignore her phone calls and text back a few hours later saying your phones playing up and you’ll give her a ring when you can.

Wait a couple more days of having no/hardly any communication and then you can start again but with much stronger boundaries.

Do you work?
I do not answer my phone during the day as I am working.
After work I go to the gym, cook and eat food, and put my phone on charge whilst I’m watching tv/gaming.
A good 70% of the day I do not have my phone next to me as I like the break from it.

You don’t need to reply straight away and just say your phone was on charge, you were eating your dinner etc.

The support she needs does not all have to come from you, though. Take care of your own needs, it sounds as though you need time to recover properly. 🌺

Ok, so ignore her calls / messages and respond at a time that suits you, when she questions why you didn't pick up just tell her you dont carry your phone around with you all the time, or you didn't hear it ring, was at a supermarket checkout, that your phone is stealing your time and your weaning yourself off devices, was in another room, you were busy, in the bath, nodded of etc.etc. say I'm calling you back now, choose a time when you can make a quick getaway, sorry have to go my dinner's ready, there's some one coming up the drive, I need a pee bye. And do not look after her kids if you dont want to, tell her your still recovering, your gp has told you to slow down, because as a friend she will know how poorly you've been right? and your sure she will understand. Deflect, deflect, deflect and par back, you can still be there for her but on your terms.

The op is not a therapist

@Freckles67

"I’ve spent my years caring too much about what other people think of me and it’s a tough habit to break"

The only way to break this habit is by practice. This is your opportunity to change. But it will mean feeling very uncomfortable for a while.

My best advice is to stop any and all favours, especially childcare. You'll be amazed how fast this so called friend drops you.

Excuses are not the way to go with someone this socially unaware. You need to think about what you're comfortable with (e.g. 1-2 calls a week - for 30 mins each) and communicate that clearly. To be clear is to be kind.

"Hi X. I've decided i need to rebalance things at the moment so i have enough time for all my friends/loved ones and get enough me time. So while I still love catching up, I'll only be available twice a week now". THEN STICK TO IT RIGIDLY. No exceptions or she'll think the boundary has gone.

You set your boundaries and she can either accept and respect them, or push against them but either way they're not changing. If she kicks off or gets upset, that is not your problem.

It's really not ok for her to be questioning why you didn't answer your phone. That's very rude.

I can guarantee it will go in one ear and out the other.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? How do you set boundaries without feeling like the world’s worst human?

I've done it. You have to be very determined to take care of yourself first and all your basic needs before you think about helping others. Otherwise resentment sets in, as you've found. You could set boundaries similar to how I did.

I had a needy friend taking up all my time to the extent that I wasn't getting enough sleep even. So I decided I was going to focus on my evening routine and chilling out before bed, from 8.30pm, which meant no taking phone calls after 8pm and getting people off the phone by 8.30pm (I went with honesty for that part, "have to go now, I need to get ready for tomorrow and go to bed"). I figured if it was a dire emergency and someone needed me desperately, they'd either send a text or leave a voicemail explaining a little of why. That's what I'd do if I really needed someone's help and it couldn't wait. Plus I could make exceptions if it was someone I felt like talking to or someone I had plans with that night. Everyone else could get a text/call back the next day at my convenience.

I also set a time limit for this person of half hour, after that I'd invent a reason to get off the phone. Left to their own devices they'd be on the phone hours and also be calling me up for such pointless stuff as wanting someone to talk to while they locked up their house (to leave it temporarily for running errands or whatever), so someone else could reassure them they really had locked up properly. I wasn't willing to listen to that sort of thing, so I'd say I was busy right now and I'd call back later, which I did.

It had started to feel like they were treating me as a full time on-call member of staff, just unpaid! So I set boundaries that stopped letting them monopolize all my time and emotional energy. I wanted time for my own stuff and for giving to other friends.

Unfortunately they didn't take well to the new boundaries, taking offense when I ended calls before they wanted to. They obviously decided they weren't getting what they wanted from our friendship any more so they faded themselves out of my life and eventually just stopped calling me. Based on that, I'd say don't worry if you want to ghost her because she'll probably end up ghosting you anyway!

But if you want to try to stay in touch, just decide on your availability both in general and specifically for her, then set boundaries accordingly. You don't have to have it out with her, just start being less available. Also change the subject when you are talking with her, so it becomes a pleasant chat about something or other and not always you listening to her problems. If she won't respect you and takes offense or keeps changing the subject back to her issues, then you don't really have a friendship anyway and she's just using you. Then it's not a situation of trying to fix a friendship, it's a situation of removing a user from your life.

You're not being mean, she can get online delivery if she can't go out. Most things concerning daily life can be dealt with online these days if necessary. It's different if she had to take a child to A&E and asked you to watch the rest. I'd say she's using you as an excuse to get away from them. I imagine she's used to having a nanny as well as a husband, if she was well off.

I'd put less effort into looking after the children when you do choose to help her out. So long as you're not neglectful of their basic safety, who cares if her house is trashed or they get upset arguing while she's out? You're not her nanny or being employed to entertain them. It's her job to raise them so they don't misbehave whilst she's not there. Do what she does instead, go on your phone and leave the children to get on with everything like they usually do, putting on the TV for keeping them occupied or something simple like that. If they need to eat, give them toast. If they need to go to bed don't bother with bath time, teeth brushing or bedtime arguments. These things don't matter for the odd day here and there. Just simplify everything. Don't be afraid to ask her for the odd favour of some kind in return too.

Do you work? Increase your hours. Not really just tell her that youll be working from home a bit more. So won’t be available so much.

if you don’t currently work get a “part time admin job that you work from home” with so youre not always available.
Not a real job. Just tell her that.
“It’s a small company and I don’t want to say too much as it’s casual admin work and Im hoping it’ll be permanent so Im not telling anyone anything as I don’t want to jinx it. I start on xx date so just letting you know as I won’t be able to help you as much and will probably be a bit tired. (Make sure you have a laptop so it’s feasible)

Some people, unintentionally as well as intentionally, fall into a victim role. Its safe and comfortable for them and they benefit from a rescuer validating all their feelings of need.

Just because shes a victim doesnt mean you have to save her.

What do you get out of this relationship other than a sense of doing your duty. If she needs a counsellor she should get one, same goes for a babysitter. Theres helping out and theres being taken advantage of. Whether she means to or not she is

You didn’t give birth to the woman, why on earth do you think her problems are your responsibility?

This is why you struggle setting boundaries. Have you got a "rescuer syndrome"? I used to have it because I was a parentified child and grew up believing everything about others and their emotions was my problem to fix.

You're not responsible for her feelings though. You don't have to remain friends with someone just because they might feel some kind of way about it if you cease being friends. You wouldn't even be ending the friendship if she wasn't behaving like a rude arsehole! She'd have brought it on herself.

If she questions you why you don't answer, try turning it round on her and asking why she thinks you should always be available. That will tell you just how much of an arsehole she is. Even a dim person would agree you don't need to be always available to them, realise they've overstepped and dial it back a bit, as well as not questioning you again. Someone who's really taking the piss and feels justified in doing so will argue with you about it, because they feel entitled to your time and angry you aren't giving it to them.

Learn to "broken record" her -
Why didn't you answer?
... because it wasn't convenient.
What were you doing?
...I was busy.
Doing what?
...a multitude of things, it's been a busy day.
So why didn't you answer?
... because it wasn't convenient.
Why won't you tell me what you were doing?
...I have told you, I was busy.
What are you up to right now/later/this weekend?
... I'm not sure yet/I'm really hectic running errands/I've started a new hobby/I'm having a pamper day (at home, in your own bathtub, but don't tell her that!)/Nothing, I'm sick, in bed.
Can you [insert favour here]?
... I'll think about it and get back to you.
If you need an answer right now, it's a no/I've thought about it and I can't.
But whhhhhhhhy?
...it's not convenient.

Etc etc etc

Use this famous Mumsnet phrase and say it ad nauseam: ‘sorry, that doesn’t work for me’.

As soon as she realises she’s not getting from you what she needs she’ll drop you completely. Job done.

@Wowcha
thanks for the reply. I’m currently off work following a very serious accident and injury so I imagine that adds to my perceived “availability” to her.