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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to want to distance myself from a very needy friend?

120 replies

Freckles67 · 06/12/2025 20:23

I’ve known a friend for about a year, but we’ve only become properly close in the last six months. She’s a lone parent to six young children. She’s originally from quite a privileged background but is now living on benefits due to a family breakdown.
The issue is… she is so needy. She calls me multiple times per day, at least four times, just to go through every detail of her life. She expects help from everyone around her and there’s a sense of entitlement that I really struggle with. Despite everything that’s happened, she still carries herself like she’s above everyone else and is very judgemental toward others.
She constantly asks me for favours, mainly to watch her kids while she “nips out” shopping etc. But her children are extremely hard work honestly, feral and I really don’t want to look after them. My own children are a fair bit older and I’m past that stage.
When she asks, I feel like I can’t say no because of everything she’s been through, but I completely resent it. I feel awful even writing this because I know she’s struggling, but I’m starting to question whether I even like her as a person. At the same time, I don’t feel like I can just cut her off, it feels like that would make me a terrible person. I know circumstances change but she chose to have all of those children and quite clearly can’t manage to look after them. The older children parent the younger ones whilst she spends time on the phone.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? How do you set boundaries without feeling like the world’s worst human?

OP posts:
Nearly50omg · 06/12/2025 23:29

She’s not your friend - she has turned into your abuser!!!

Freckles67 · 06/12/2025 23:32

@Christmas2025
you're totally right, I do struggle with setting boundaries with people, for some reason I tend to put others feelings and wellbeing above my own. I have improved on this somewhat with age but it’s sadly still part of my personality. It’s definitely something I want to continue to work on 🙂

OP posts:
Freckles67 · 06/12/2025 23:37

@FamBae
thank you for the ideas, I will definitely be calling back at a time I can make an excuse to get off the phone if needed, that’s a good tactic.

OP posts:
Freckles67 · 06/12/2025 23:48

@Christmas2025
that sounds like quite a similar situation, she will often call me and spend most of the time dealing with the children with me aimlessly listening in. Time limits are a good idea, half an hour is definitely long enough to chat on the phone.

OP posts:
JLou08 · 06/12/2025 23:53

Cutting her off would be the kindest thing in this situation. You don't like her, it's clear in your post that you don't, even without you saying you don't think you like her. Would you want someone who didn't like you to continue being your friend out of pity? I know I wouldn't.

Freckles67 · 06/12/2025 23:53

@TalulahJP
im currently off work. I had an accident which resulted in a very serious injury earlier in the year. Because she knows I’m not at work I think she thinks that I’m just constantly available to her and that I should be because I’m not doing anything else

OP posts:
Freckles67 · 06/12/2025 23:58

@JLou08
you’re probably right. I’m not sure if I actually don’t like her as a person or if I’m just overwhelmed by the constant contact and neediness. I just feel as though I’m far too deep into her life and feel like I’m having to take on her issues. I think if contact was to be reduced and she didn’t pile every little issue on me it could be a positive friendship. But then again I feel as though that’s me not wanting to take her for who she is and wanting more of a casual friendship. It really makes me feel like a bad person

OP posts:
Friendlygingercat · 07/12/2025 00:07

I once got mysef into this kind of situation. I helped out an older neighbour (not an immediate one) and found myself gradually becoming her PA. I was doing her shopping and life admin. And she was coming around when I was supposed to be WAH and staying hours.

First I told her I was going away for a couple of weeks (true) and this is one of the best ways to divest yourself of an unwanted contact. By simply not being there. Fortunately there were no smart phones back then and she didnt know I had a mobile. During that time she would have had to manage or else get her claws into someone else. When I returned I ignored her calls for about 2 weeks. So a month went by. Then I told her I had begun a new job where I was not allowed to WAH and I had to go into the uni 5 says a week. As she did not like to go out once it grew dark this more or less solved the problem. She had people from the local church whom she saw at weekends so I imagine they took over her shopping and life admin. I was able to gradually phase her out by being constantly unavailable and busy.

So go away for a couple of weeks (or simply tell your friend you are going away) and you are leaving your phone behind to detox from social media. Religiously dont answer her calls for 2/3 weeks. To be sure she will recruit someone else during that time. When you return only answer once a day and briefly. Have something interrupt the conversation - you have a visiter/someone at door/food cooking etc. And either keep conversations short or just text. Gradually fade out until contact is minimal. This gives her time to find new friends or listeners.

JLou08 · 07/12/2025 00:08

Freckles67 · 06/12/2025 23:58

@JLou08
you’re probably right. I’m not sure if I actually don’t like her as a person or if I’m just overwhelmed by the constant contact and neediness. I just feel as though I’m far too deep into her life and feel like I’m having to take on her issues. I think if contact was to be reduced and she didn’t pile every little issue on me it could be a positive friendship. But then again I feel as though that’s me not wanting to take her for who she is and wanting more of a casual friendship. It really makes me feel like a bad person

It does not sound to me like you're a bad person. I couldn't cope with 4 phone calls a day and I wouldn't want a friend who is judgemental. There's nothing wrong with deciding that someone isn't the kind of person you want for a friend.

meganorks · 07/12/2025 00:19

6 children?! Absolutely no way in hell im looking after someone else's 6 children!! I had 2 for a reason- it was absolutely more than enough to deal with! She might have just come out of an abusive relationship, but there is no way everything was great and then child 6 pushed things over the edge. So she has made aome poor life choices that simply aren't your responsibility.

Stop answering as much. Stop staying on the phone so long. Just say no. She clearly has no concern about you and your life so don't take on hers. Imagine thinking that someone who has been injured and therefore cant work is therefore just free to do stuff for you?!

SharkPants · 07/12/2025 00:45

Freckles67 · 06/12/2025 20:40

@SharkPants

thank you for the reply. This is the thing, I don’t think I get anything from the friendship, just stressed and feeling put out. I’m trying to get away from people such as people pleaser but I’ve spent my years caring too much about what other people think of me and it’s a tough habit to break. The phone calls are constant and usually to fill me in on details of her very hectic life. It’s just draining!

I get that. I can be the same, but I end up getting very resentful and then pull away from the friendship. Honestly, if she's causing you this much stress, does it really matter what she thinks of you? If she falls out with you because you can't babysit her 6 children or discuss her personal situation four times a day, then she is not any kind of friend that you need in your life.
Perhaps you should try calling her 4 times a day with various crises and see how she responds!
As I've gotten older, I've realised that life is so much more enjoyable without dramatics from entitled people who take advantage or drain me! It's a hard thing to do, but just start saying no.
You'll feel so much better for it. ❤️

Bonbon21 · 07/12/2025 00:46

Be busy!
Stop answering your phone.
Protect yourself.
Say no.
Do not explain, she is not your responsibility. You will have more mental health problems than she has, if you dont build some strong boundaries. People like her ALWAYS find others to serve them.

Christmas2025 · 07/12/2025 02:06

Freckles67 · 06/12/2025 23:48

@Christmas2025
that sounds like quite a similar situation, she will often call me and spend most of the time dealing with the children with me aimlessly listening in. Time limits are a good idea, half an hour is definitely long enough to chat on the phone.

Next time that happens tell her you can hear she's busy, say bye, and hang up even if she starts speaking. Expecting you to wait an undefined length of time whilst she wrangles children is taking the piss, you don't have to listen to that.

For the putting everyone else first, ask yourself if you believe in equality as a concept or do you believe some people are more important than others? I'm not talking the king or the prime minister, just ordinary people. If you believe in equality then remind yourself others aren't more important than you are, because you're all equal.

Cornishclio · 07/12/2025 02:56

Oh my goodness that would drive me mad. She is being totally disrespectful. You are recovering from an accident not there to facilitate her life. I wouldn’t be happy with her at all and just say that the constant phone calls have to stop and you are focusing on recovery so not available for childcare.

There is no kind way to stop someone overstepping boundaries as they don’t see things from others point of view. So protect yourself and offer on your terms only. You don’t have to do any childcare for her. Tell her to contact a childminder. If she is judgemental and oversteps boundaries what do you get from this relationship?

MayaPinion · 07/12/2025 03:13

Could you say to her, ‘Sandra, I am really concerned about you. You are calling me four times a day, mostly to discuss your problems, and you keep calling on me for childcare. I am recovering from a serious accident (as you know) and I just don’t have the capacity or energy to give you the mental or physical support you need. I think it would be worth you visiting your GP and getting in touch with your health visitor to see what support they could put in place’, and then mute her so you only get in touch twice a week.

Silverbirchleaf · 07/12/2025 04:49

She’s using you. You’ve only known her a year, and properly been friends for a few months, and she expects this level of involvement.

Ask yourself, where are all are other friends and support network? Shes abused their friendship as well.

Start being busy, unavailable and learn to say no. If she wants a lift, suggest a taxi. If she wants a babysitter, give her the number of a childminder. Start fighting fire with fire.

(she may gave a toddler tantrum, and you can b almost guarantee that when you stop being useful to her, she won’t hear from her again)

nomas · 07/12/2025 04:53

Why have you got so properly close to her in such a short amount of time?

I have ADHD so I would be extricating myself from this situation asap, I would not be able to tolerate a 5 minute phone call with her such as you describe, let alone 30 minutes.

Whatsthatsheila · 07/12/2025 05:03

@Freckles67 you perhaps may find she does the heavy lifting for you

she’s entitled and used to you saying yes.

if you say no… sorry - nope - can’t do it - won’t do it. I’m busy - can’t be arsed -whatever takes ya fancy …

she could just show her true colours and give you a shit load of abuse…. Whilst not a nice thing for you it would just be the perfect excuse to cut her off.

problem solved

GreyCarpet · 07/12/2025 05:19

Imtornanddontknowwhattodo · 06/12/2025 20:47

I agree. These types smell kindness and who they can take advantage of.

This isn't really true.

Its not that they are like this with some people and not others. They are like this with everyone

The difference is that some people will put boundaries in place immediately and others don't.

Some people offer to help or agree to the first request. They will be asked again. Others don't and they won't be asked again.

It's important to remember that people can only treat you in the way you allow yourself to be treated.

Jasmine222 · 07/12/2025 05:54

OP, simple question, why do you feel like a bad person for having needs? Your needs are just as valid as hers. If what she needs isn't compatible with what you need, then you either find a compromise that works for both of you, or the friendship inevitably ends. That doesn't mean either of you are bad people. I just don't get why some people voluntarily put themselves at the bottom of the list when it comes to what they need, while putting other people's needs on a pedestal. It doesn't matter if you work, don't work, etc., what matters is that you need to not be called 4x per day because it's too much for you. You're entitled to feel that way and if it were me I'd be totally honest. "Sue, I don't want to damage our friendship or hurt you, but 4 calls per day is too much for me and I don't feel able to commit to helping you out so much. I need to scale back a bit so that our friendship can be a longterm thing without me feeling tired out by it."

Holluschickie · 07/12/2025 06:07

ThejoyofNC · 06/12/2025 22:03

My best advice is to stop any and all favours, especially childcare. You'll be amazed how fast this so called friend drops you.

This. Why does anyone need a friend like this?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 07/12/2025 06:08

FloofyKat · 06/12/2025 21:00

Stop answering her calls.
She quizzes you on why you’ve not answered / returned her calls? So what. You do t have to tell her anything. Just say you’ve been busy. She asks you what you’ve been busy doing? Tell her ‘this and that’.
Shr asks you to babysit? Say no. She asks why? Tell her .. look, I’ve told you I can’t, that’s all you need to know.
all on repeat!

i get that you don’t want to drop her completely but if you don’t set some protective boundaries now you will undoubtedly get sucked in.

This @Freckles67@Freckles67...

You need to practise and practice again... It will become second nature...

These type of users are very good at finding folk to run around after them...

Gradually pull back with answering calls.. Aim to drop these substantially this side of Christmas... Once evert 2 days perhaps?

Don't get dragged in with justifying... Use the broken record technique... I've been busy /too tiresome to go into /no sorry can't... And keep repeating...

Don't give any reason why you can't babysit... Above being busy... These people will always try and argue why they should have hours of your time...

Buy a book on assertiveness and boundaries.

Yes I have dumped several of these type of (non) friends over the years....

It does feel shit to start with... But it does get easier. The guilt you feel is your people pleasing coming out..!!

Her issues really, really, aren't your problem - they may well be self inflicted.
You can feel compassion... But at a distance.

It's making you ill.

It's mostly a one way relationship

If you need help write an ick list... Of all the times she's made you feel overwhelmed.. Keep this by /in your phone... Look at it when you think you're wavering...

Good luck

Silverbirchleaf · 07/12/2025 06:56

Hate to say it also, but by responding all the time, you’re entitling her behaviour. No doubt, it started of with a couple of small requests, and you genuinely wanted to help, but it gradually ramped up in number and frequency.

Silverbirchleaf · 07/12/2025 07:00

And you’re not a bad person. You’re obviously very caring and compassionate, but you have your own issues and health to worry about. Put yourself first.

BMW6 · 07/12/2025 07:52

OP remember it's perfectly fine to say No because I don't want to.