Walked out of my own birthday lunch

[Nevs]

I walked out of my birthday lunch with colleagues yesterday. I know I’ve overreacted a bit but need some perspective from an outsiders perspective.

For context, as I feel it is relevant: I am a very tidy person and big on cleanliness. It’s an ongoing joke with people at work, as I wipe my desk down with antibacterial wipe each morning. My desk is always very tidy and bare, in comparison to everyone else’s, which people pick up on. There’s light teasing in the group but it’s fine, each of us have our own little quirks that make us unique. This is mine. I cannot relax in mess, so therefore my workspace needs the be clean and tidy, as does my house (as you’re probably guessing, no I don’t have kids yet 😆)

I have recently bought a brand new car, from the dealership. Everyone at work knows, they refer to it as my “big fancy car” It cost quite a lot but I’ve been saving for it for a while as it’s a car I’ve always wanted, and guess you could say it was a birthday present to myself. I’ve also had custom amendments to the interior and seats to make it look nicer. (Not trying to boast, as I said I’m just giving context to the situation)

Now on to the actual incident… It was my birthday yesterday. At work we all tend to eat out a local restaurant for lunch when it’s someone’s birthday.

I’m really not big on making a fuss on my birthday to be honest, it’s just another day to me, and I’ve been overwhelmed with work recently, so couldn’t have really done with that extra time to catch up on work. So I didn’t particularly want to go, but still I agreed to go for lunch since I guess you could say it’s tradition. While the restaurant is local, you need to drive there. So 5 of us went in 2 cars- 2 in one car, and 3 including myself, in my car (the two colleagues in my car don’t drive)

As I pulled up to the restaurant car park, I have colleague Sarah in my passenger seat, and Jane in the backseat. Just as we’re about t get out, Jane out of no where pulls out her lunchbox and says “Nev do you mind if I just eat this in here? I can’t eat anything in there right now (she’s on a diet)”
Immediately I’m irritated, as

1. she put me on the spot, she did not warn me before hand
2. as everyone knows, I’m a clean freak and admittedly a bit uptight, I can’t help it. And I’ve just spent a lot of money having my interior upgraded, she knew full well I would be uncomfortable with this, but she choose to put me in that situation anyway

My response was “Um, no? I don’t eat in my car”
She said she wouldn’t make a mess, and suggested for my benefit, as she doesn’t want to keep me waiting, I can leave her in my car with the car keys and she can lock up and meet us in the restaurant when she’s done. I said “Absolutely not. Why didn’t you say you weren’t going to be eating in there before we left?” She looked a bit put out but then accepted it, and said “it’s fine” put her lunchbox back in her bag and got out the car. Sarah would was sat in the passenger seat looked awkward and didn’t say anything.

We got into the restaurant and met the other two, who had already arrived and were seated. While seated Jane mentioned to the other two that she won’t be ordering. They asked her if she’d brought lunch with her, she said she had but she’ll eat back at the office. Then referred to the incident in my car while looking rather self pitying, this is not her usual demeanour, it looked like an act if I’m honest. I took that as she was looking for sympathy and to get the others on her side. Colleague Emma* laughed and said “Nevs as if you didn’t let her eat. Now she has to watch us and be hungry”

At that point I wasn’t happy, and I’m already aware I’m probably more annoyed than nessessary, l said “And whose fault is that? She sprung it on me out of no where” Jane then said she’s mentioned previously she can’t eat out at the moment due to her diet, which is a lie, she has never told me that.
I said she should have eaten at her before we came out. I also said to Jane “I wasn’t going to swallow any discomfort because you’ve put me in a situation you knew wouldn’t be comfortable with. If you feel awkward now, it’s on you” Emma then continues to press and says that regardless, if she wasn’t going to make a mess, it would have been nice if I’d let her use my car. At this point I snapped “My car my rules! That’s the end of the discussion!”
Everyone went quiet and looked awkwardly in their menus.

About 30 seconds go by and no one has said a word. I stand up and said “I’m not sitting in this awkwardness I don’t have time for it anyway, I’m going back” and leave. (Emma’s car is a 5 seater so fits all of them for the drive back, I wouldn’t have left anyway stranded)

I know snapping and walking out was extreme, I’m very stressed with work at the moment. I have my own portfolio that I cannot distribute out to anyone else for assistance. I’m overloaded with work. I think this was why I was so short with them.

I didn’t speak to any of them for the rest of the afternoon, everyone was quiet. I’m not dreading Monday, but I am anticipating another awkward atmosphere and I don’t even know how to go about it.

I know my delivery was unreasonable, but was colleague also unreasonable? Or am I just a snappy nightmare?

The anxiety that your post created for me! Well I need a cuppa to calm down! I am totally with you on this! Why can’t people respect boundaries?? Why on earth accept a lunch invitation with no intention of eating, then expecting you to tolerate her eating in your CLEAN SAFE SPACE! I hate people sometimes! And now they are making you feel bad for sticking to your principles!

HOWEVER, in order to alleviate the awkwardness, just make a joke about it… it is not worth having extra stress at work over colleague relationships - they are not your friends, you just have to tolerate them… apologise even if you don’t mean it, as in the grand scheme of things, their opinion of you is irrelevant, you just don’t want the awkwardness.

You have to laugh, don’t you?

My DH (and MiL) are fully OCD on hygiene/cleanliness in the home (the entire family is ND, diagnosed officially). They accepted things slip a bit when you have children and I try to encourage the kids the walk the balance in their rooms between being comfortable and giving it a clean once a week. They both have en suites and in the end I hired a cleaner and her main job is to clean their rooms/bathrooms. As a result they tend to keep on top of it in a way they won’t for me and their dad. Our house is noticeably clean and tidy, despite 3 ADHD residents and 2 very moulty dogs (yep, hoover twice a day and mop the floor every time they come inside with muddy paws, but a flash floor mop and a hand held hoover makes this a 3min job).

So, yes we are uber tidy (acc to friends) but we have a calm uncluttered space and friends seem happy to hang out in our home. They don’t tease (other than with affection), do not mock and do laugh at the fact that with respect to cars: we have one skip on wheels (mine/the dogs/the kids transport) and one car that is so completely pristine (DH’s) we sometimes feel we need to go through a decontamination chamber to be allowed to enter it. But at the end of a long stressful day at work, it brings out my DH’s happy to sit in his luxury car, listen to Radio 4, and be able to breathe after sharing communal office space.

Love your self-awareness. I would have left the birthday lunch too, I’m afraid. I have better things to do than apologise for who I am with people I could care less about other than needing to work beside them.

OP said "Absolutely not" and then the group went on at her so much that she walked out. So how much respect did her version of assertiveness command, hmm?

You can make your point very nicely with the social grease of humour. It's true that you need the social skills to read the subtext though, and not everyone has that.

No, that would have been OP showing these women that they could indeed ride roughshod over her.

There’s being cautious, and then there’s being overly cautious. I’m sure OP was and is capable of calculating whether or not people pleasing, sorry, ‘being shrewd’, was going to be the best course of action in this country particular instance with these specific women.

Conversely, assertiveness and knowing when to enforce boundaries are also assets valued in management.

Hmmm…I’m not saying it’s the best course of action, but I am saying it would be an effective one.

Caps lock broken?

@Nevs how’s lunch box gate panning out this morning? Any absurd requests to each their porridge in your car?

Or are they all being sheepish after being firmly put it their place?

Don’t let people walk all over you! That’s what letting her eat her lunch in the car would’ve been,

They know about her OCD and it was at best unkind of them to gang up on her.

They will know what you are getting at but they will also see that you can’t assert yourself

No you’re right it’s not, but having asked and been told no, then carrying on badgering OP, that’s bullying? Would you not agree?

According to CHAT GPT, no:

Using alphabetic characters only:

• Total letters: 233
• Capital letters: 37
• Percentage capitalized: ≈ 15.88%

So, about 15.9% of the letters in the statement are capital letters.

The inside of my car is a total mess, and I wouldn't be happy with anyone eating inside it either, unless I was and I'd suggested it. This lunchbox stunt is the kind of thing a six-year-old wanting attention as the "I Can Do What I Want" kid would have pulled, and then complains because they've got the wrong kind of attention.

I don't think your unreasonable to not want people eating in your car and the fact it's brand new and leaving her with the keys I'd say no aswell.
To go out and not eat when everyone else will be eating is on her I think she sounds like a pain in the arse.
See how your colleagues would react to her eating her smelly lunch in their cars and especially if new you've saved for your car worked hard for it remember that your colleague doesn't have the same values as you.
Don't be worried about Monday stand by your boundaries and be you .. it'll pass anyways x

Chat GPT you say, I understand now.

Good to see you’re alive and well and arguing with various people on the thread again this morning!

How are you at work this morning @nevs? I hope they apologise and and/or there's no awkwardness.

You were both unreasonable.

It's all down to lunchbox woman. What a weirdo.

Nope, they’ve upped their game, and asked for a lift to McDonalds Drive Thru, for one of the new Grinch Big Mac Meals….. 🍔 🎄😈………!

Joking apart, OP, I’m firmly 💯 on your side. Bulllying, not ok at all- plus my car is a 15 year old Volvo tank that is a pit inside… and I would not be letting someone else have Olav’s keys to put him to bed! Good Luck! 🤞

I’m not trying to get at you SoftBalletShoes and I do take your point. But I do think that, as women and myself very much included, we spend too much time and effort trying to smooth things over. These women were rude to OP (on her birthday!) and she is right to assert herself

You need social skills to read a proverbial room, and to tailor your response accordingly.

There are times when humor can indeed successfully diffuse a situation, and there are times where responses like OP’s are the only appropriate way to handle a situation. Ime, her reaction has likely afforded her more respect than your proposed one would have. Responding to that type of power play by rolling over would have given them permission to walk all over her, and shown herself to be weak when challenged. In the sectors I’m familiar with, those aren’t traits that command respect in leadership, but rather contempt.

IMO their awkwardness shows that they weren’t expecting push back, and when they got it they didn’t know how to handle it (so they’re lacking in those social skills). I don’t doubt that they’ve whined to each other about OP, and may pull passive aggressive stunts in future, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they keep their distance going forward. Hopefully this will be the case, but time will tell.

Morning.

Jane saw my car pull up in car park and made me a cup of coffee and left it on my desk for when I came in. After I while when it was quiet she walked over to my desk and discreetly apologised. She said she wasn’t looking to upset me, I apologise for my tone and walking out and said I hoped they managed to have a nice lunch after I’d left, they did.

Thanks everyone for your kind words. Wasn’t sure what to expect and didn’t think it would generate so many replies. I’ve been getting lots of lovely messages in my private inbox too. I don’t like discussing certain things with friends at times, so it’s been a great platform to let off some steam.

I know my lovely, would hate to disappoint you - knowing how invested you are in the OP's work trials and tribulations...

Ahh that's a relief! I'm glad Jane apologised and you can all move past it without any office awkwardness. Hopefully, when you left, they maybe reflected a little and realised they'd ganged up on you and put you on the spot.
You were right that Jane doesn't seem vindictive, especially given her response this morning.
Hope your hangover passes! And keep enjoying your new car :)

That’s good OP.
She sounds like a nice person who made a mistake, not a malicious bitch as some pps have been suggesting. Your first instincts about motivation for this were right I think.
MN can often lose the run of itself.