Walked out of my own birthday lunch

[Nevs]

I walked out of my birthday lunch with colleagues yesterday. I know I’ve overreacted a bit but need some perspective from an outsiders perspective.

For context, as I feel it is relevant: I am a very tidy person and big on cleanliness. It’s an ongoing joke with people at work, as I wipe my desk down with antibacterial wipe each morning. My desk is always very tidy and bare, in comparison to everyone else’s, which people pick up on. There’s light teasing in the group but it’s fine, each of us have our own little quirks that make us unique. This is mine. I cannot relax in mess, so therefore my workspace needs the be clean and tidy, as does my house (as you’re probably guessing, no I don’t have kids yet 😆)

I have recently bought a brand new car, from the dealership. Everyone at work knows, they refer to it as my “big fancy car” It cost quite a lot but I’ve been saving for it for a while as it’s a car I’ve always wanted, and guess you could say it was a birthday present to myself. I’ve also had custom amendments to the interior and seats to make it look nicer. (Not trying to boast, as I said I’m just giving context to the situation)

Now on to the actual incident… It was my birthday yesterday. At work we all tend to eat out a local restaurant for lunch when it’s someone’s birthday.

I’m really not big on making a fuss on my birthday to be honest, it’s just another day to me, and I’ve been overwhelmed with work recently, so couldn’t have really done with that extra time to catch up on work. So I didn’t particularly want to go, but still I agreed to go for lunch since I guess you could say it’s tradition. While the restaurant is local, you need to drive there. So 5 of us went in 2 cars- 2 in one car, and 3 including myself, in my car (the two colleagues in my car don’t drive)

As I pulled up to the restaurant car park, I have colleague Sarah in my passenger seat, and Jane in the backseat. Just as we’re about t get out, Jane out of no where pulls out her lunchbox and says “Nev do you mind if I just eat this in here? I can’t eat anything in there right now (she’s on a diet)”
Immediately I’m irritated, as

1. she put me on the spot, she did not warn me before hand
2. as everyone knows, I’m a clean freak and admittedly a bit uptight, I can’t help it. And I’ve just spent a lot of money having my interior upgraded, she knew full well I would be uncomfortable with this, but she choose to put me in that situation anyway

My response was “Um, no? I don’t eat in my car”
She said she wouldn’t make a mess, and suggested for my benefit, as she doesn’t want to keep me waiting, I can leave her in my car with the car keys and she can lock up and meet us in the restaurant when she’s done. I said “Absolutely not. Why didn’t you say you weren’t going to be eating in there before we left?” She looked a bit put out but then accepted it, and said “it’s fine” put her lunchbox back in her bag and got out the car. Sarah would was sat in the passenger seat looked awkward and didn’t say anything.

We got into the restaurant and met the other two, who had already arrived and were seated. While seated Jane mentioned to the other two that she won’t be ordering. They asked her if she’d brought lunch with her, she said she had but she’ll eat back at the office. Then referred to the incident in my car while looking rather self pitying, this is not her usual demeanour, it looked like an act if I’m honest. I took that as she was looking for sympathy and to get the others on her side. Colleague Emma* laughed and said “Nevs as if you didn’t let her eat. Now she has to watch us and be hungry”

At that point I wasn’t happy, and I’m already aware I’m probably more annoyed than nessessary, l said “And whose fault is that? She sprung it on me out of no where” Jane then said she’s mentioned previously she can’t eat out at the moment due to her diet, which is a lie, she has never told me that.
I said she should have eaten at her before we came out. I also said to Jane “I wasn’t going to swallow any discomfort because you’ve put me in a situation you knew wouldn’t be comfortable with. If you feel awkward now, it’s on you” Emma then continues to press and says that regardless, if she wasn’t going to make a mess, it would have been nice if I’d let her use my car. At this point I snapped “My car my rules! That’s the end of the discussion!”
Everyone went quiet and looked awkwardly in their menus.

About 30 seconds go by and no one has said a word. I stand up and said “I’m not sitting in this awkwardness I don’t have time for it anyway, I’m going back” and leave. (Emma’s car is a 5 seater so fits all of them for the drive back, I wouldn’t have left anyway stranded)

I know snapping and walking out was extreme, I’m very stressed with work at the moment. I have my own portfolio that I cannot distribute out to anyone else for assistance. I’m overloaded with work. I think this was why I was so short with them.

I didn’t speak to any of them for the rest of the afternoon, everyone was quiet. I’m not dreading Monday, but I am anticipating another awkward atmosphere and I don’t even know how to go about it.

I know my delivery was unreasonable, but was colleague also unreasonable? Or am I just a snappy nightmare?

In all honesty, I found it extremely difficult to drop my standards, and thats when it all got difficult and I was then diagnosed with severe OCD and postnatal depression. It was a slog, but the specialist therapist helped. It took a long while, but I stopped catastrophising and eventually learned that the world wouldn't end if life wasn't perfect. 😇
I am a neat freak, but have learned that having zones can make life easier. I HATE mess, so will let my wee man make a mess, and let him get rotten dirty in school, but at the end of the day he gets scrubbed clean, after he tidies his toys etc up (yes you read correctly he tidies up) and after we wake up for school, he helps me to make the bed. 😆
He is better than my hubby at using the washing machine and washing the dishes 🙌 🧼 😆
We call it 'gentleman training' as he also holds open doors and will let me walk up the stairs first 🥰
I want him to be independent and to respect his belongings.

He really is the best thing to happen to me (my husband was the first best thing) and our small family is very blessed. ❤️ 👶 💙

Whatever you decide, it will all involve challenges, but that is part of the journey 💕

They've definitely done it as a little inside 'prank' at best and a malicious jealous of your new car and attempt to bring you down a peg or two way at worst. You're too straightforward to see it for the conniving plan it was. Bitches!

I have a sil who would deliberately wear her shoes inside my house because I once asked her (very politely) if she would remove her shoes at the front door (we come from a culture where it's the norm to remove outdoor shoes).
She's not invited anymore.

I know many people who would consider your approach to life to be marvelous. I do also.

No one gels with everyone, not even the people pleasers that strive to. A ‘quirk’ (although I wouldn’t even call it that, personally) is not the same thing as a pathology, and someone not liking your personality type does not make you disordered. ‘Normal’ in fact has quite the wide range, and nothing you have said suggests you’re beyond the bounds of it imo. You are a successful woman that has a life that works for her. That it wouldn’t work for others is irrelevant - it isn’t required to.

I do suspect that this was an attempt to put you in your place, as they saw it. That isn’t to say they planned it in advance, but rather seized the opportunity that presented itself.

Not sure my first reply posted, it read: You were a bit over the top but who tf eats their meal from a lunchbox in a car before a group meal? There wasn't a soup or salad she could have had at the restaurant?
You need to speak to your manager about your workload.

Second reply: some replies mentioned ocd. I have ocd, and it can manifest in all sorts of ways. One of the main characteristics its the compulsion part, and how uncomfortable/distressed you can feel when you cant carry out the compulsion, to the point where sufferers can believe someone will die if they don't fulfill that compulsion.
Being particular about cleanliness is not necessarily ocd, especially in a brand new car.

Happy birthday op and I do hope your birthday celebrations got better.

I think you were brilliant, OP, standing your ground and not allowing peer pressure to influence your (perfectly reasonable) decision making.
The passive aggressive one who chose to criticise you for not allowing the mad food one to eat in your car also needed taking down a peg or two. How dare she? What the fuck is it to do with her?
Well done on deciding to make better use of your time than sitting in awkward silence with that bunch. I would have done exactly the same when confronted with group bullying. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

People are entitled to set what boundaries they wish. Lunchbox lady sounds like a prick and no fun at all. Doesn't she know what restaurants are for?

This brought to mind two occasions in my 20s where a friend overstepped massively, hectored and raised their voice to me, and I just got up and walked away. Two different young women two separate occasions, one was completely in the wrong and has her own issues, one was just on the piss and it was out of character for her. They both contacted me a day or two later to apologise, and all was fine again - but the point is that there is nothing wrong at all with just leaving if people are being shitheads to you, it's pretty much the perfect response.

I may or may not have left, depending on how attacked I felt and how rude I felt they were being. But yep, OP did absolutely nothing wrong.

OP is very wrong though to dismiss the idea that this will resurface - OP did not actually even realise/consider that it was a malicious prank till this was mentioned here. It was just a very odd series of events and sounds absolutely as though it was planned to bring them down a peg or to, or just drive them up the wall for fun.

And knowing human nature as I do, I know that bullies/unreasonable people really really hate being put in their place.

Rest.

Tough one, because also have "set boundaries" and then have been made to feel like the one in the wrong.

I don't think you were in the wrong at all. You said no, she pushed and you maintained your boundary. This person came to lunch without the intention of eating at the restaurant and didn't tell you- so I would say its her behaviour that is all topsy turvey.

It will be interesting if she holds a grudge or anything, or she just respects your boundaries. There is this great thing called a drama triangle where people not involved in the conflict publically choose sides therefore adding a victim or a villan narrative to make themselves look like a hero without acutally having a stake in the outcome.

I would note in your responses that you are very defensive towards people who are being judgemental.

I voted YABU, but not because of the way you felt. Having only just spent that much money on a car and custom interiors, I also would not want people eating in it. There is NO reason WHATSOEVER that she couldn't have eaten her lunch at her desk before coming out. Wanting to eat it right as you all got out of the car is beyond weird.

However. I still voted YABU because seeing as you work together, it would have been the wiser thing to let her have eaten, even though she was being annoying. I'd have stayed sitting there with her for the extra ten mins and maybe teased her gently about not eating it before coming out.

You were right, imo, but letting her would have been the socially graceful and more clever thing to do. You may have protected your car, but the interaction was still a net negative for you because of the awkwardness with your colleagues and the fact that such awkwardness will probably be remembered. And you never know when you might need them, or when one of them might be on a hiring committee for a job you want in the future.

It's very unfair because I think you were right, and she was being unreasonable in wanting to eat her lunch in your car right when you were due at the restaurant, but sometimes it serves us best to think of the bigger picture.

Do you have children???!!!!!!! Aren’t they allowed a pack of crisps on a long journey?!

OP has been totally honest and hasn't tried to sugar coat her behaviour. Her posts have been amusing and self-aware. She has responded to the rude posts with humour and hasn't flounced off her own thread like many posters do if there is a bit of a pile on.

Your posts have been pretty unpleasant towards OP, very indignant when she challenged you and wasn't grateful for your advice and deeply smug.

It isn’t ND or OCD to want things to stay nice and clean. If it is then we are saying that the norm for humans is to be unhygienic.

No she doesn’t and she doesn’t intend to have any.

Exactly! OP you are awesome! I really don't understand those who voted YABU. Also, Happy Birthday for last week! 🌻

Read the OP's updates.

And that's why women are still underrepresented at management levels and get involved in abusive relationships. Rolling over every time a stronger character says so to keep the fucking peace.

the “unpleasantness” was not initiated by OP.

I don’t think it’s OCD I think it’s psychopathy! You sound like the female Patrick Bateman

Why not take cakes in on Monday and something very healthy like some apples for the diet one and say you’re sorry for walking out.

Because she's not sorry and shouldn't be, and these people aren't her friends and she doesn't want them as friends?

The problem was not caused by the OP refusing an unreasonable request to let someone eat in her car (when another car was available if such a weird request had to be granted). It was caused by that person not accepting the decision and deciding to take the argument into a restaurant and ruining someone's birthday lunch.

would have been the wiser thing to let her have eaten, even though she was being annoying. I'd have stayed sitting there with her for the extra ten mins and maybe teased her gently about not eating it before coming out.

So for your own birthday meal you would have made others wait for 10 mins while you babysat a grown woman who couldn't eat at her desk before she left the office??
And gently teased her like she was a child??

Oh my word, this is top notch people pleasing 🤣🤣🤣 completely batshit
All in case you need them on a hiring committee in the future 😂

Priceless

Can you give even one piece of evidence where OP shows she's sorry for having boundaries??

Bringing in cakes and apples? Fgs

Sigh.... you just carry on dear. Lets see how many times you can reference my 'lack of reading comprehension' whilst at the same time ignoring the point.

I know what you were referring to - it was not a complex or nuanced point - I just highlighted the fact you altered terminology deliberately to drive home your theory that the poster DID NOT KNOW WHAT WAS IN JANE'S LUNCHBOX.

You were trying to come across as clever in correcting that poster, when really, I found your subtle replacement of the word she used to be sly, underhand and totally disgengious.

Do you comprehend the point I am making or do I need to spell it out for you yet again?

You say people-pleasing, I say shrewd - shrewd because these people are in the same industry as her and they currently work together. Her reaction created a net negative for her. So how smart was it?

Sometimes people-pleasing can be a strategic move. The car would have been just fine, and now it's OP's work reputation that's taken a dent. The fact that she was right doesn't change that, unfortunately. Big picture, my friend.

ETA: As for your comment about the hiring committee, do you not know that people in the same industry get to know each other, and they talk, and they shift jobs and companies and positions over the years? One of my former colleagues is now my line manager. And there were people who were a complete nightmare to work with when we were on the same level, and if they applied to join my company in my department now, I wouldn't hesitate to outline how they were unable to work in a team, were very difficult, whatever the issue was. If OP's behaviour is typical instead of a one-off, I would say "Not a team player, weak social skills." I totally agree with another poster who said it just wasn't worth it.

Picking your battles is wise, not people-pleasing.