Walked out of my own birthday lunch

[Nevs]

I walked out of my birthday lunch with colleagues yesterday. I know I’ve overreacted a bit but need some perspective from an outsiders perspective.

For context, as I feel it is relevant: I am a very tidy person and big on cleanliness. It’s an ongoing joke with people at work, as I wipe my desk down with antibacterial wipe each morning. My desk is always very tidy and bare, in comparison to everyone else’s, which people pick up on. There’s light teasing in the group but it’s fine, each of us have our own little quirks that make us unique. This is mine. I cannot relax in mess, so therefore my workspace needs the be clean and tidy, as does my house (as you’re probably guessing, no I don’t have kids yet 😆)

I have recently bought a brand new car, from the dealership. Everyone at work knows, they refer to it as my “big fancy car” It cost quite a lot but I’ve been saving for it for a while as it’s a car I’ve always wanted, and guess you could say it was a birthday present to myself. I’ve also had custom amendments to the interior and seats to make it look nicer. (Not trying to boast, as I said I’m just giving context to the situation)

Now on to the actual incident… It was my birthday yesterday. At work we all tend to eat out a local restaurant for lunch when it’s someone’s birthday.

I’m really not big on making a fuss on my birthday to be honest, it’s just another day to me, and I’ve been overwhelmed with work recently, so couldn’t have really done with that extra time to catch up on work. So I didn’t particularly want to go, but still I agreed to go for lunch since I guess you could say it’s tradition. While the restaurant is local, you need to drive there. So 5 of us went in 2 cars- 2 in one car, and 3 including myself, in my car (the two colleagues in my car don’t drive)

As I pulled up to the restaurant car park, I have colleague Sarah in my passenger seat, and Jane in the backseat. Just as we’re about t get out, Jane out of no where pulls out her lunchbox and says “Nev do you mind if I just eat this in here? I can’t eat anything in there right now (she’s on a diet)”
Immediately I’m irritated, as

1. she put me on the spot, she did not warn me before hand
2. as everyone knows, I’m a clean freak and admittedly a bit uptight, I can’t help it. And I’ve just spent a lot of money having my interior upgraded, she knew full well I would be uncomfortable with this, but she choose to put me in that situation anyway

My response was “Um, no? I don’t eat in my car”
She said she wouldn’t make a mess, and suggested for my benefit, as she doesn’t want to keep me waiting, I can leave her in my car with the car keys and she can lock up and meet us in the restaurant when she’s done. I said “Absolutely not. Why didn’t you say you weren’t going to be eating in there before we left?” She looked a bit put out but then accepted it, and said “it’s fine” put her lunchbox back in her bag and got out the car. Sarah would was sat in the passenger seat looked awkward and didn’t say anything.

We got into the restaurant and met the other two, who had already arrived and were seated. While seated Jane mentioned to the other two that she won’t be ordering. They asked her if she’d brought lunch with her, she said she had but she’ll eat back at the office. Then referred to the incident in my car while looking rather self pitying, this is not her usual demeanour, it looked like an act if I’m honest. I took that as she was looking for sympathy and to get the others on her side. Colleague Emma* laughed and said “Nevs as if you didn’t let her eat. Now she has to watch us and be hungry”

At that point I wasn’t happy, and I’m already aware I’m probably more annoyed than nessessary, l said “And whose fault is that? She sprung it on me out of no where” Jane then said she’s mentioned previously she can’t eat out at the moment due to her diet, which is a lie, she has never told me that.
I said she should have eaten at her before we came out. I also said to Jane “I wasn’t going to swallow any discomfort because you’ve put me in a situation you knew wouldn’t be comfortable with. If you feel awkward now, it’s on you” Emma then continues to press and says that regardless, if she wasn’t going to make a mess, it would have been nice if I’d let her use my car. At this point I snapped “My car my rules! That’s the end of the discussion!”
Everyone went quiet and looked awkwardly in their menus.

About 30 seconds go by and no one has said a word. I stand up and said “I’m not sitting in this awkwardness I don’t have time for it anyway, I’m going back” and leave. (Emma’s car is a 5 seater so fits all of them for the drive back, I wouldn’t have left anyway stranded)

I know snapping and walking out was extreme, I’m very stressed with work at the moment. I have my own portfolio that I cannot distribute out to anyone else for assistance. I’m overloaded with work. I think this was why I was so short with them.

I didn’t speak to any of them for the rest of the afternoon, everyone was quiet. I’m not dreading Monday, but I am anticipating another awkward atmosphere and I don’t even know how to go about it.

I know my delivery was unreasonable, but was colleague also unreasonable? Or am I just a snappy nightmare?

They love to play the victim afterwards also. It’s a weak pathetic trait.

It's quite obvious that you don't care if you come across as rude. We can agree on that.

However, if the below response represents even a tiny amount of your thought processes and character, then I am surprised that anyone gives you the time of day to be honest. I can't begin to understand how somone thinks this way, and I am quite glad about that. This is vile.

Honestly I wonder how some of these posters survive in the real world. If they would bow down just to keep the peace in such a situation then I pity them, they’d get chewed up and spat out if they emerged from under their rock

I wrote in my OP that Jane was being passive aggressive initially. She was acting hard done by at the table with a sad look on her face, a very different demeanour from how we all usually know her to have. A behaviour that doesn’t translate well into text if you don’t know the person, but I do and she was being deliberately awkward and obviously wanted others to pry into it. This is what originally annoying me as she was seeking attention. When the other colleagues asked her why she wasn’t eating she was in self pity mode and said “well I wanted to eat before I came in here but it’s fine I suppose…” sighing away. And that’s when she relayed what had happened in the car when they asked what she meant.

Yes it was passive aggressive because, if you refer back to the first post, you’ll see that OP’s colleagues were framing the situation as OP ‘not letting’ Jane eat and repeatedly telling her she should let Jane eat in her car.

Jane could easily have

1. eaten her packed lunch before she came
2. order a diet friendly meal in the restaurant like a normal person
3. Eat in the other colleague’s car instead

But these women wanted to make OP wanting to keep her car clean the issue. On her bloody birthday as well! They deserved to be walked out on

It was vile wasn’t it, I stand by every word of it 🙂

I'm sure you do.

Thank you, that is good to know.

To be honest I was raised exactly how you raise your children, when I entered adulthood and saw a much more casual way of parenting around me, I just assumed that my upbringing was strict and outdated.

I am still considering if I even want children, due to my rigidness with tidiness i don’t want to inflict that onto a child, it wouldn’t be fair on them. If I don’t have children, I will still be happy either way. It’s not the be all and end all to me.

I have taken onboard everything all the other posters have said about getting help though, I am open to this and will definitely look into it.

I agree

Good for you OP. There are lots of tools out there to help you if you do feel you would like to be less ‘rigid’ about things. And happy birthday!

Thank you 😘

call it out and force the person to either make the aggression explicit or take it back

This is good advice, thank you.

I just wanted to understand the passive aggression. I said in my first post that she should have left it.

Whether the OP stormed out, piroutted out, farted out, skidded out or whatever - she was forced to do so because of the pile on by the SandwichCunt & Crew.

Utterly amazing how people cannot see that and then roundly ignore it to justify their "viewpoint", which is monstrously fucking irrelevant.

I bet you would be doing exactly the same as the OP in her shoes - anything to the contrary and you're a liar.

Thanks.

I don’t expect an apology from her, nor do I think I’m entitled to one. I said my piece and they know my feelings on the matter. To me that’s the end of it.

The only thing I’d like to happen on Monday if for everything to just be normal. By normal I don’t mean back to being ‘pals’ we’re not friends and keep our head down with work most of the time as we’re all busy, with the odd bit of small talk that you’d expect to have with a colleague.

But I get the feeling she’ll be giving the silent treatment and creating a mild atmosphere, as she’s not a direct person by nature. Which is the opposite to myself. Me and my friends will
occasionally snap towards each other, but we both make our points, agree to disagree, cool down and it’s as if it never happened. I can definitely see her holding a grudge.

Lol, yes of course Im a liar. Have a cup of tea and calm down.

No it bloomin isn't!

Either she's lazy and doesn't care or she's overwhelmed

That’s not passive aggression. But OP has explained what WAS passive aggressive about it.

Thanks for the admission / deflection and admission that your reading capability is beyond sub-par.

Have a cuppa yourself - you need it a lot more than me with the hot air you are spewing.

I'm rather good aren't I? Without my knowledge I have managed to accomplish the following:

An admission
Deflection and
A further admission that my reading capability is beyond par

All the above from my facetious comment...🙄

About 15 separate bun fights going on here at the moment 😂

That would absolutely infuriate me @Littlejellyuk She has no right to do that in your car. I’d have grabbed her vape off her and threw it out my window if she continued to ignored me. I’d buy her a new one once at the end of the journey, and she can puff away then.

Next time treat entitled people with the same lack of curtesy that they show you.

And thanks 🙂

Regarding the below, you are coming across as rude, patronising and lacking in nuanced understanding. No wonder your colleagues were aligned with Jane: you are lacking in awareness and have limited capacity for insight by the sounds of things. But you crack on always being right rude and obnoxious.

You Marinade completely absolve Nev's colleagues from behaving the way they did - Jane doing the pity me poor victim act and the other colleagues joining in and castigating the OP and not letting it drop. How long do you think Nev should have sat there while they and berated her for not allowing Jane to eat in her car and tried to get her to change her mind by mocking her, guilt tripping her and attempting to shame her? The whole of the lunch? Of course Nev said end of discussion there was nothing else to discuss.

The rude and obnoxious ones here are Jane and the collegues, the ones lacking insight and awareness are Jane and the colleagues.

Who the hell presumes to sit in someone else's car, whether new or not, whether clean or not, to eat their packed lunch alone with the car owner's keys whilst the car owner and others go into a restaurant? Seriously, that is not normal behaviour or thinking.

I have taken onboard everything all the other posters have said about getting help though, I am open to this and will definitely look into it.

You haven't written anything that makes me feel that you need any help, particularly. Obviously if you are feeling uncomfortable with your life and in your own skin it might be a good idea, but there's nothing really extreme about your behaviour and you aren't hurting other people. Other people are making you feel uncomfortable but I think that's more their issue than yours.

The lunchbox lady, having seen you pleased and proud of your new car, and to her mind showing off about it, was hoping to get you upset and angry relating to the car instead, and as a bonus to take the pleasure away from you of it being your birthday. And sadly she did achieve that.

So there is nothing to apologise for, it is she who should apologise but someone like that never will. I didn’t realise there are people this awful before this year but truly, there are.

Tomorrow some bright spark having been put in the picture by one of the party will ask you whether you enjoyed your birthday lunch. Maybe more than one person. So you could put some thought into how you will respond. If you get angry again it will get back to the LL and she will have scored again as you discomposed is what she wants.

You will know what is best, perhaps just sigh sadly and say “I couldn’t trust LL not to eat her crisps and grated cheese sandwiches on the way to the restaurant. How could I give her a lift?” Vary it with “they were all egging her on to eat her cold bolognaise in the back of my car! It put me off my food totally! Ugh!” Doesn’t matter you don’t know what food it was, just fictionalise it to the worst sort and generally skirt the real subject while flagging up what weirdoes they are.

And watch thissen. She is out to take you down a peg and may be talking to your boss about you. Also sorry OP but you can’t command people to do things outside the military and then you have to be a senior rank.