Walked out of my own birthday lunch

[Nevs]

I walked out of my birthday lunch with colleagues yesterday. I know I’ve overreacted a bit but need some perspective from an outsiders perspective.

For context, as I feel it is relevant: I am a very tidy person and big on cleanliness. It’s an ongoing joke with people at work, as I wipe my desk down with antibacterial wipe each morning. My desk is always very tidy and bare, in comparison to everyone else’s, which people pick up on. There’s light teasing in the group but it’s fine, each of us have our own little quirks that make us unique. This is mine. I cannot relax in mess, so therefore my workspace needs the be clean and tidy, as does my house (as you’re probably guessing, no I don’t have kids yet 😆)

I have recently bought a brand new car, from the dealership. Everyone at work knows, they refer to it as my “big fancy car” It cost quite a lot but I’ve been saving for it for a while as it’s a car I’ve always wanted, and guess you could say it was a birthday present to myself. I’ve also had custom amendments to the interior and seats to make it look nicer. (Not trying to boast, as I said I’m just giving context to the situation)

Now on to the actual incident… It was my birthday yesterday. At work we all tend to eat out a local restaurant for lunch when it’s someone’s birthday.

I’m really not big on making a fuss on my birthday to be honest, it’s just another day to me, and I’ve been overwhelmed with work recently, so couldn’t have really done with that extra time to catch up on work. So I didn’t particularly want to go, but still I agreed to go for lunch since I guess you could say it’s tradition. While the restaurant is local, you need to drive there. So 5 of us went in 2 cars- 2 in one car, and 3 including myself, in my car (the two colleagues in my car don’t drive)

As I pulled up to the restaurant car park, I have colleague Sarah in my passenger seat, and Jane in the backseat. Just as we’re about t get out, Jane out of no where pulls out her lunchbox and says “Nev do you mind if I just eat this in here? I can’t eat anything in there right now (she’s on a diet)”
Immediately I’m irritated, as

1. she put me on the spot, she did not warn me before hand
2. as everyone knows, I’m a clean freak and admittedly a bit uptight, I can’t help it. And I’ve just spent a lot of money having my interior upgraded, she knew full well I would be uncomfortable with this, but she choose to put me in that situation anyway

My response was “Um, no? I don’t eat in my car”
She said she wouldn’t make a mess, and suggested for my benefit, as she doesn’t want to keep me waiting, I can leave her in my car with the car keys and she can lock up and meet us in the restaurant when she’s done. I said “Absolutely not. Why didn’t you say you weren’t going to be eating in there before we left?” She looked a bit put out but then accepted it, and said “it’s fine” put her lunchbox back in her bag and got out the car. Sarah would was sat in the passenger seat looked awkward and didn’t say anything.

We got into the restaurant and met the other two, who had already arrived and were seated. While seated Jane mentioned to the other two that she won’t be ordering. They asked her if she’d brought lunch with her, she said she had but she’ll eat back at the office. Then referred to the incident in my car while looking rather self pitying, this is not her usual demeanour, it looked like an act if I’m honest. I took that as she was looking for sympathy and to get the others on her side. Colleague Emma* laughed and said “Nevs as if you didn’t let her eat. Now she has to watch us and be hungry”

At that point I wasn’t happy, and I’m already aware I’m probably more annoyed than nessessary, l said “And whose fault is that? She sprung it on me out of no where” Jane then said she’s mentioned previously she can’t eat out at the moment due to her diet, which is a lie, she has never told me that.
I said she should have eaten at her before we came out. I also said to Jane “I wasn’t going to swallow any discomfort because you’ve put me in a situation you knew wouldn’t be comfortable with. If you feel awkward now, it’s on you” Emma then continues to press and says that regardless, if she wasn’t going to make a mess, it would have been nice if I’d let her use my car. At this point I snapped “My car my rules! That’s the end of the discussion!”
Everyone went quiet and looked awkwardly in their menus.

About 30 seconds go by and no one has said a word. I stand up and said “I’m not sitting in this awkwardness I don’t have time for it anyway, I’m going back” and leave. (Emma’s car is a 5 seater so fits all of them for the drive back, I wouldn’t have left anyway stranded)

I know snapping and walking out was extreme, I’m very stressed with work at the moment. I have my own portfolio that I cannot distribute out to anyone else for assistance. I’m overloaded with work. I think this was why I was so short with them.

I didn’t speak to any of them for the rest of the afternoon, everyone was quiet. I’m not dreading Monday, but I am anticipating another awkward atmosphere and I don’t even know how to go about it.

I know my delivery was unreasonable, but was colleague also unreasonable? Or am I just a snappy nightmare?

A few points to clarify my position. I said:

• Her stance on refusing to allow Jane to eat in the car was acceptable.
• She herself acknowledged that snapping and walking out was extreme. I interpreted this as a disproportionate and intensely dramatic response, others disagree - I don't care whether you agree with me or not here.
• She was rude in the way she commanded people to end the discussion with her ridiculously OTT statement. OP eventually conceded that she did command her peers to stop talking. She can decide whether she thinks this is acceptable or not.
• Healthy boundaries are not just about asserting your own position in any way you see fit - they need to be socially appropriate according to the context in which they arise.
• Her perception of the world, as per her own statement here, is vile (and OP herself agreed is vile) Honestly I wonder how some of these posters survive in the real world. If they would bow down just to keep the peace in such a situation then I pity them, they’d get chewed up and spat out if they emerged from under their rock

Hope this aids your understanding.

In addition, it seems that at least two of the party (OP and lunchbox lil) didn't actually want to go out for lunch so maybe some assertiveness practice would be helpful. Jane was so out of order that it's still annoying me and I wasn't even there.

How big a group of bitches does a lunch party from work have to be to ruin someone's birthday?

Maybe she should have asserted those oh so important boundaries she's so keen on espousing by saying something along the lines of the following. Just a thought 🤔

'Thanks for the thought, but I'm not really feeling a birthday lunch this year, I'm so busy at the moment I don't think this is the best time, perhaps we can do something in the new year when its a bit calmer'....

@Marinadeare you Jane's mum?

not eating in the car - fine - but complaining about his breath? Poor nephew!

No I'm her first cousin twice removed.

If lunchbox colleague decides to give you the silent treatment, I would stand my ground. Even if you just say we'll have to agree to disagree you know my position I'm planning this and clutter and that regardless of whether my car was new or not eating in my car was never going to be acceptable to me. I'm disappointed you chose my birthday to try and test boundaries on this.

You'll never win with people like this. They sound jealous of your "fancy car" and probably dress the birchiness as "teasing".

You don't owe these people anything. If she wants to give the silent treatment, she will be showing herself up.

• She was rude in the way she commanded people to end the discussion with her ridiculously OTT statement. OP eventually conceded that she did command her peers to stop talking. She can decide whether she thinks this is acceptable or not.

What do you think Op should have done? How long should she have sat there listening to them going on about poor Jane not being able to eat her lunch in OP's car? There was nothing else to discuss, the OP had said 'No' to Jane eating in her car, why did the colleagues presume to turn it into a negotiation? You deem OP rude, I deem Jane and the colleagues rude to keep harping on about it and trying to make the OP feel bad for her, as you yourself say, acceptable stance.

OP didn't command them to stop talking full stop, she ended the discussion about Jane eating in her car.

A few posters have mentioned a possibility of her deliberately bringing the lunchbox to upset me. As annoying as I found her post-passive aggressive actions on Friday, I don’t believe she is a vindictive person to be fair. I could be wrong but I’ve never got that impression from her before.

Thank you I will take that into consideration for tomorrow.

But, yes, I can absolutely command somebody to stop repeatedly telling me what to allow in my own property. If I continued to dictate to you about what you should allow in your house, I’d expect and would hope you’d shut me down.

Also I’m not concerned in the slightest about her talking to my boss about me (she wouldn’t) None of us are junior level and we each have very niche and industry specific experience, which makes each of us difficult to replace. My boss would laugh her out the door for bringing this to him.

I said upthread she should have just said 'we will have to agree to disagree' and then just move on... She could have just changed the subject to 'what do we fancy to eat' rather than say 'my car my rules!'. Its just a bit cringe.

She shut them down in a disproportionate way that left an akward atmosphere / silence and then flounced out. Whether you see this as her commanding them to stop talking or not, it certainly had that effect.

If you think this all fits into the realms of acceptable behaviour in a social setting with your work colleagues, good for you.

I haven't read every post but I admire you. Power move. Probably why you've got a high level job and a range rover and I drive a teeny car and struggle to shake off people pleasing.

Life is too short to tolerate nonsense. Good for you!

Don’t worry my birthday wasn’t ruined 🙂 I went out that night and stayed up partying until 5am in the morning. I’ve been suffering from a hangover ever since 😂

If you think this all fits into the realms of acceptable behaviour in a social setting with your work colleagues, good for you.

And if you think it is acceptable behaviour in a social setting with work colleagues for them to mock, harangue and attempt to shame another colleague for taking an acceptable stance regarding their possessions and standards, good for you. I don't.

I had a teeny car before this 🙂 I miss it in a way! I’ve not always had a nice car I’ve been saving for a while.

Never too late to change 🙂 just stop caring (easier said than done but it can be learnt)

Thank you 😘

Your colleague with the lunchbox obviously intended to just walk all over you so good for you for standing up for yourself. Even if she's on a diet, she could have found something small, a side or something, off the menu to have. I think it is a bit of an odd decision to go along to a birthday meal with no intention of eating. She should probably have just not gone if that was her intention.

As an aside, and not the point of your thread, but you can have a clean, tidy house and have kids. I'm like you, bed always made first thing, kitchen surfaces wiped down every time, etc. And I've got 2 kids. It is just a case of instilling in them from the start if they get toys out they need to tidy them away when they're done before they get something else out. They can still play with as much as they want, they just can't trash the house in the process.

I think they were all very rude. I think the weird behaviour is expecting to sit in someone's car to eat your lunch before going to a restaurant to celebrate their birthday. If you know they're concerned about cleanliness then it's doubly unreasonable, especially if you then make a thing about it in the restaurant.

Did they mock,harangue, berate or did they have a few words/digs? Difficult to say, as despite OP's self proclaimed professionalism, I don't' find her to be the most reliable narrator unfortunately...

And, yet again, why is OP on a thread asking strangers to validate her weird response if she is so convinced that her colleagues are more in the wrong than her?

Well done on putting boundaries in place and not budging.

Happy birthday!

Well you could keep commanding me OP all you like, but there is nothing written in stone that says I have to take any notice of your commandments.

Anyway I command me to do the ironing as I have been doing for an hour, so will say farewell thee well. And enjoy other posts on Mumsnet.

Ooooh spicy one aren't you? Sadly for you:
I am not a troll, have been on this site for many years
I have reported your unoriginal post for 'troll hunting'.

Happy to help, dear.

Much obliged Jane.

I LOVE THE FACT YOU DID THAT! I wish I had your confidence tbh 😊

Keep that humour coming...