Walked out of my own birthday lunch

[Nevs]

I walked out of my birthday lunch with colleagues yesterday. I know I’ve overreacted a bit but need some perspective from an outsiders perspective.

For context, as I feel it is relevant: I am a very tidy person and big on cleanliness. It’s an ongoing joke with people at work, as I wipe my desk down with antibacterial wipe each morning. My desk is always very tidy and bare, in comparison to everyone else’s, which people pick up on. There’s light teasing in the group but it’s fine, each of us have our own little quirks that make us unique. This is mine. I cannot relax in mess, so therefore my workspace needs the be clean and tidy, as does my house (as you’re probably guessing, no I don’t have kids yet 😆)

I have recently bought a brand new car, from the dealership. Everyone at work knows, they refer to it as my “big fancy car” It cost quite a lot but I’ve been saving for it for a while as it’s a car I’ve always wanted, and guess you could say it was a birthday present to myself. I’ve also had custom amendments to the interior and seats to make it look nicer. (Not trying to boast, as I said I’m just giving context to the situation)

Now on to the actual incident… It was my birthday yesterday. At work we all tend to eat out a local restaurant for lunch when it’s someone’s birthday.

I’m really not big on making a fuss on my birthday to be honest, it’s just another day to me, and I’ve been overwhelmed with work recently, so couldn’t have really done with that extra time to catch up on work. So I didn’t particularly want to go, but still I agreed to go for lunch since I guess you could say it’s tradition. While the restaurant is local, you need to drive there. So 5 of us went in 2 cars- 2 in one car, and 3 including myself, in my car (the two colleagues in my car don’t drive)

As I pulled up to the restaurant car park, I have colleague Sarah in my passenger seat, and Jane in the backseat. Just as we’re about t get out, Jane out of no where pulls out her lunchbox and says “Nev do you mind if I just eat this in here? I can’t eat anything in there right now (she’s on a diet)”
Immediately I’m irritated, as

1. she put me on the spot, she did not warn me before hand
2. as everyone knows, I’m a clean freak and admittedly a bit uptight, I can’t help it. And I’ve just spent a lot of money having my interior upgraded, she knew full well I would be uncomfortable with this, but she choose to put me in that situation anyway

My response was “Um, no? I don’t eat in my car”
She said she wouldn’t make a mess, and suggested for my benefit, as she doesn’t want to keep me waiting, I can leave her in my car with the car keys and she can lock up and meet us in the restaurant when she’s done. I said “Absolutely not. Why didn’t you say you weren’t going to be eating in there before we left?” She looked a bit put out but then accepted it, and said “it’s fine” put her lunchbox back in her bag and got out the car. Sarah would was sat in the passenger seat looked awkward and didn’t say anything.

We got into the restaurant and met the other two, who had already arrived and were seated. While seated Jane mentioned to the other two that she won’t be ordering. They asked her if she’d brought lunch with her, she said she had but she’ll eat back at the office. Then referred to the incident in my car while looking rather self pitying, this is not her usual demeanour, it looked like an act if I’m honest. I took that as she was looking for sympathy and to get the others on her side. Colleague Emma* laughed and said “Nevs as if you didn’t let her eat. Now she has to watch us and be hungry”

At that point I wasn’t happy, and I’m already aware I’m probably more annoyed than nessessary, l said “And whose fault is that? She sprung it on me out of no where” Jane then said she’s mentioned previously she can’t eat out at the moment due to her diet, which is a lie, she has never told me that.
I said she should have eaten at her before we came out. I also said to Jane “I wasn’t going to swallow any discomfort because you’ve put me in a situation you knew wouldn’t be comfortable with. If you feel awkward now, it’s on you” Emma then continues to press and says that regardless, if she wasn’t going to make a mess, it would have been nice if I’d let her use my car. At this point I snapped “My car my rules! That’s the end of the discussion!”
Everyone went quiet and looked awkwardly in their menus.

About 30 seconds go by and no one has said a word. I stand up and said “I’m not sitting in this awkwardness I don’t have time for it anyway, I’m going back” and leave. (Emma’s car is a 5 seater so fits all of them for the drive back, I wouldn’t have left anyway stranded)

I know snapping and walking out was extreme, I’m very stressed with work at the moment. I have my own portfolio that I cannot distribute out to anyone else for assistance. I’m overloaded with work. I think this was why I was so short with them.

I didn’t speak to any of them for the rest of the afternoon, everyone was quiet. I’m not dreading Monday, but I am anticipating another awkward atmosphere and I don’t even know how to go about it.

I know my delivery was unreasonable, but was colleague also unreasonable? Or am I just a snappy nightmare?

I know and I am saying that she does not appear to be able to accept that her response was disproportionate and therefore she was in the wrong: she is trying to justify it by equating it to the behaviours of the others.

She is implying that they are equally as wrong as her, and this is not the case in my opinion. She took it way too far.

Keeping calm in your opinion, despite being angry, is not ‘bowing down’. Having a temper tantrum in a restaurant will always put you in a weaker position socially. You asked the question, you’re going to get different types of answers.

You’ve said you snapped and that you know walking out was ‘extreme’. You also said you were more annoyed than necessary. So why can’t people agree with you?

SandwichCxxt, kinda nails it🤣love it.

Oh OP, your friends are just plain filthy. I have never even vaguely come across a house like that with children.
Lazy dirty people live like that.
Its not the children's fault, they know no better.
Dirty people will inevitably raise dirty children.
Blame the parents completely.

My children ate always at the table, such a simple rule.
They cleaned up after they finished playing, putting their toys away, every day.
They put the coats, shoes and general shit away.
That was how they were reared.
All in the rearing.
You would raise any child similarly

Don't pay an ounce of attention to posters blaming you.
You sound fabulous.

SC is a twat. To be avoided.
Have a lovely day.

No I can't grasp why you had to give such a ridiculously dramatic and over laden response...

And also stating that is the end of the discussion! - is a command - the only time I am going to adhere to such a command in a social context with colleagues is where someone is in a position of authority over me. Even then I would be irritated.

You have admitted that you are all peers, and you are not in a position of authority, so your response was not appropriate, whether you agree with me or not.

That's exactly how passive aggression works - it feels aggressive to the recipient but isn't explicit so has plausible deniability. You have to either ignore the aggressive bit altogether (her knowing you wouldn't like it and testing your boundary anyway) and reply at face value as if intentions are good (and i think that would be the best response here) or call it out and force the person to either make the aggression explicit or take it back. Easy to say in hindsight but yes bloody annoying in the heat of the moment.

@Nevs

Regarding the below, you are coming across as rude, patronising and lacking in nuanced understanding. No wonder your colleagues were aligned with Jane: you are lacking in awareness and have limited capacity for insight by the sounds of things. But you crack on always being right rude and obnoxious.

I said in my reponse that your stance on your car is acceptable - therefore implying that her request was not reasonable. Maybe you are unable to deduce meanings unless they are explicitly laid out for you?

I started the thread as I wasn’t sure how to go about this on Monday and needed outsiders perspective on if colleagues request was unreasonable. It’s at the bottom of my OP if you read it properly.

The fact you can’t grasp my issue or my reasoning for snapping is not on me.

You are a real charmer aren't you? Who on earth are you to imply that people who disagree with you live under a rock and can't survive in the real world?

I have worked in corporate environments for over 20 years, you are very ignorant to hold such ill informed views.

We are not the ones who stormed out of a restaurant and then started a thread justifying such a weird and disproportionate response under the guise of 'asserting one's boundaries' (yawn for this phrase by the way, its been done to death and is becoming so anodyne).

we know from reading MN that there are far far far too many people who do not know how to set healthy boundaries, stick to their guns and not let people walk all over them. While at the same time they hate that they are like this and endlessly moan on here about it.

The worst thing is that so many of them are teaching (by example) these behaviours to the next generation.

Wrong: the setting of healthy boundaries does not equate to violating social norms by snapping at your colleagues and storming out of a restaurant.

The setting of healthy boundaries refers to maintaining an appropriate stance that reflects the context in which your behaviours take place and acting accordingly (unless you have an underdeveloped reference point for social interactions).

According to the vote, more people agree with OP than disagree. You seem to be one of those posters that expects their contributions to be received with gratitude and for the OP to see the error of their ways.

You have taken it very badly that OP isn't upset and chastened by your posts and she still believes that she was right to say what she did to her colleagues.

she said she didn't raise her voice and she didn't storm (IIRC)

you make it sound as though they were all lovely and kind and she flipped up a table and stomped off for no reason.

Lol, talk about an overreach.....

What on earth gives you the impression that I expect her to receive my posts with gratitude? I don't care whether she appreciates them or not. I am expressing a viewpoint, which is kind of the point of AIBU is it not?

She herself said, I know snapping and walking out was extreme.

I think walking out of your own birthday lunch in an extreme fashion could reasonably be construed as 'storming out' dont you?

I did not say she raise her voice, I said she commanded her colleagues to end the discussion.

Because being annoyed isn’t a tantrum. You can’t be annoyed in a composed way. I didn’t raise my voice.

I’m not a wailing toddler.

snapping =/= shouting
walking out =/= stomping and making a scene

again: all the "oh i'm such a people pleaser i really can't stick up for myself" posts on this site distorts everyone's view.

She was maybe irritated? i would have been. But i would have said "Em, give J your keys. I'm going to order something to take away because I'm really busy"

and then left them to it. Because i am a person pleaser - myself.

What is “extreme” exactly, and how was I “storming” out?

Both imply I made a scene or raises my voice.

Yes I did command they end the discussion because what I allow to happen in my own property is none of their business, they had no right continuing to challenge me. Odd how you think the onus is only on me to keep the peace, if they’d wound their neck in 5 minutes prior I wouldn’t have “commanded” they drop the topic

You were not unreasonable. Your colleagues know your position re cleanliness and clutter.

Your lunchbox colleague will have known full well that you wouldn't have been comfortable with her eating in your car regardless of whether it was new or not and was pushing your boundaries.

I suspect she did this to deliberately push your buttons and provoke a reaction particularly as they already mock your cleanliness and now your "big fancy car" - the latter smacks of jealousy. It is possible (nit definite) this was cooked up between them as a "joke". Regardless it isn't nice.

I'd just go back into work and act normal. You don't owe an apology for calmly but firmly standing your ground. If anything, lunchbox colleague in particular should hopefully have reflected and apologise to you, although I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you.

You tell me what is extreme since you are the one who used this term to describe your own behaviour? I refer to your own comment below:

I know snapping and walking out was extreme.

I'm not a clean freak but I 100% respect your response to all your colleagues. You were not being unreasonable AT ALL.

These women were sat there taking little passive aggressive digs at OP at her own birthday lunch and I admire her for not putting up with it. Passive aggressive people are always quite happy to dish it out and then can’t handle being confronted

You acted out in a way which, in your OP, you described as ‘unnecessary’ and ‘extreme’. We can have our own definitions of this behaviour for an adult in a workplace social setting.

You asked the question.

To be frank, I don’t care if I come across as rude. People have different perceptions of rudeness. One persons rude is another persons direct. Not everyone’s going to get along in life so I don’t care to make the effort to please everyone. I might be rude, rigid and stuck in my own ways but I still have everything I have today from being this way.

If my colleagues think I am rude, with all due respect, they are not my friends. They are not the type of people I would choose to socialise with outside of work. They are colleagues, I keep them at arms length. The opinions of people who I do choose to keep as friends are what matter, and they do not fall into that circle.

Were they being passive aggressive? Seems like they were being quite direct and telling OP what they thought should have happened. Passive aggression is behaving in a way that avoids the subject.