Walked out of my own birthday lunch

[Nevs]

I walked out of my birthday lunch with colleagues yesterday. I know I’ve overreacted a bit but need some perspective from an outsiders perspective.

For context, as I feel it is relevant: I am a very tidy person and big on cleanliness. It’s an ongoing joke with people at work, as I wipe my desk down with antibacterial wipe each morning. My desk is always very tidy and bare, in comparison to everyone else’s, which people pick up on. There’s light teasing in the group but it’s fine, each of us have our own little quirks that make us unique. This is mine. I cannot relax in mess, so therefore my workspace needs the be clean and tidy, as does my house (as you’re probably guessing, no I don’t have kids yet 😆)

I have recently bought a brand new car, from the dealership. Everyone at work knows, they refer to it as my “big fancy car” It cost quite a lot but I’ve been saving for it for a while as it’s a car I’ve always wanted, and guess you could say it was a birthday present to myself. I’ve also had custom amendments to the interior and seats to make it look nicer. (Not trying to boast, as I said I’m just giving context to the situation)

Now on to the actual incident… It was my birthday yesterday. At work we all tend to eat out a local restaurant for lunch when it’s someone’s birthday.

I’m really not big on making a fuss on my birthday to be honest, it’s just another day to me, and I’ve been overwhelmed with work recently, so couldn’t have really done with that extra time to catch up on work. So I didn’t particularly want to go, but still I agreed to go for lunch since I guess you could say it’s tradition. While the restaurant is local, you need to drive there. So 5 of us went in 2 cars- 2 in one car, and 3 including myself, in my car (the two colleagues in my car don’t drive)

As I pulled up to the restaurant car park, I have colleague Sarah in my passenger seat, and Jane in the backseat. Just as we’re about t get out, Jane out of no where pulls out her lunchbox and says “Nev do you mind if I just eat this in here? I can’t eat anything in there right now (she’s on a diet)”
Immediately I’m irritated, as

1. she put me on the spot, she did not warn me before hand
2. as everyone knows, I’m a clean freak and admittedly a bit uptight, I can’t help it. And I’ve just spent a lot of money having my interior upgraded, she knew full well I would be uncomfortable with this, but she choose to put me in that situation anyway

My response was “Um, no? I don’t eat in my car”
She said she wouldn’t make a mess, and suggested for my benefit, as she doesn’t want to keep me waiting, I can leave her in my car with the car keys and she can lock up and meet us in the restaurant when she’s done. I said “Absolutely not. Why didn’t you say you weren’t going to be eating in there before we left?” She looked a bit put out but then accepted it, and said “it’s fine” put her lunchbox back in her bag and got out the car. Sarah would was sat in the passenger seat looked awkward and didn’t say anything.

We got into the restaurant and met the other two, who had already arrived and were seated. While seated Jane mentioned to the other two that she won’t be ordering. They asked her if she’d brought lunch with her, she said she had but she’ll eat back at the office. Then referred to the incident in my car while looking rather self pitying, this is not her usual demeanour, it looked like an act if I’m honest. I took that as she was looking for sympathy and to get the others on her side. Colleague Emma* laughed and said “Nevs as if you didn’t let her eat. Now she has to watch us and be hungry”

At that point I wasn’t happy, and I’m already aware I’m probably more annoyed than nessessary, l said “And whose fault is that? She sprung it on me out of no where” Jane then said she’s mentioned previously she can’t eat out at the moment due to her diet, which is a lie, she has never told me that.
I said she should have eaten at her before we came out. I also said to Jane “I wasn’t going to swallow any discomfort because you’ve put me in a situation you knew wouldn’t be comfortable with. If you feel awkward now, it’s on you” Emma then continues to press and says that regardless, if she wasn’t going to make a mess, it would have been nice if I’d let her use my car. At this point I snapped “My car my rules! That’s the end of the discussion!”
Everyone went quiet and looked awkwardly in their menus.

About 30 seconds go by and no one has said a word. I stand up and said “I’m not sitting in this awkwardness I don’t have time for it anyway, I’m going back” and leave. (Emma’s car is a 5 seater so fits all of them for the drive back, I wouldn’t have left anyway stranded)

I know snapping and walking out was extreme, I’m very stressed with work at the moment. I have my own portfolio that I cannot distribute out to anyone else for assistance. I’m overloaded with work. I think this was why I was so short with them.

I didn’t speak to any of them for the rest of the afternoon, everyone was quiet. I’m not dreading Monday, but I am anticipating another awkward atmosphere and I don’t even know how to go about it.

I know my delivery was unreasonable, but was colleague also unreasonable? Or am I just a snappy nightmare?

I also take spare shoes/plastic bags to put muddy shoes in if necessary.
I thought that this was what most people do?

Unfortunately no that’s no what most people do.

You’re more than welcome to a lift from me 😆

If the colleague really could not eat anything on the menu and still wanted to join the lunch, she could have called ahead and explained to the restaurant she is on a special diet, could she bring her own food. I have a friend who has a special diet (but due to extreme allergies, so not exactly the same scenario admittedly) and they do this, restaurants are fine with it when I have been out with them.

I agree your colleague's approach was weird and seems designed to wind you up.

You probably did over react a bit by storming out, but overall good on you for standing your ground.

Things might be awkward for a while but I imagine it will blow over.

They might not organise a lunch for you next year, but sounds like that wouldn't bother you anyway.

Agree I could have softened my first initial response.

But I was triggered because I felt like she would have known I would be uncomfortable with it but was hoping I’d make an exception on this occasion. That’s what annoyed me more than the request. If she didn’t know me so well I would have responded more like how you suggested.

I guess I can’t comprehend why some people can be cheeky, as I know I’d never put someone in that situation, knowing they’re a clean freak and just bought an expensive new car. I only got it last week!

The colleague that she gave a lift to was massively rude, unreasonable and very odd to bring her own lunch and then expect to eat it in OP's brand new car. She should have either declined the invitation to lunch, eaten in the office either before or after travelling to the restaurant or chosen something not particulaly calorific from the menu.

OP's 'over reaction' was due to her colleagues ganging up on her. OP seems to have reasonable boundaries and won't put up with being treated with disrespect.

Also in response to what to do Monday, just carry on as normal.

If anyone brings it up , just ignore or change the subject- 'Sure, anyway, I'm in a rush, I need to go do this now/ did you see xyz in the news...'

Absolutely NO need to soften your responses.

What those cunts did was underhand and sly.

The sandwich cunt is the biggest cunt of all. I'm guessing she is one of the larger people you alluded to earlier?

No wonder she wasnt going to eat in the restaurant - which begs the question of why the fuck she was there anyway.

Either way, tomorrow, only speak to them if it relates to work.

Otherwise, wide berth, block personal numbers etc and have fuck all to do with them.

Whether your car was 95k or 95 quid, they tried to string you up.

For that, they are colossal fucking cunts and karma WILL bite their sorry asses - especially sandwich cunt who will probably never lose weight. Cunts, the lot of them!

She should have eaten it at her desk 10 minutes before you left. I would never assume someone would allow me to eat in their car. They’re not the easiest to vacuum as the nucks and crannies are too small for the vacuum attachments.

I think you could have smoothed it over & joked about how neurotic you are about mess. So I would probably apologise for storming out but I wouldn’t be apologising about the not eating in your car. It’s an odd thing for her to do anyway. She could have ordered something off the menu & not eaten the sides

This post is a fundamental misunderstanding of the OP’s behaviour. The ritualistic behaviour is not about maintaining a clean environment, it is about rigidity: exerting control over everything and everyone.

I can imagine the OP is the kind of person who allocates cutlery and crockery to her guests, and insists that the milk be put only on the right side of the second shelf in the refrigerator, only to explode if she sees it in the door pocket instead.

Sandwich cunt 😂😂😂 thanks for giving me a laugh

I might be rigid and possibly OCD but you sound like a bitter sour woman to for your mind to make such assumptions on someone based off limited information.

I do not feel any need to control anyone, especially not them. I can assure you I do not care enough. They’re my colleagues not my friends.

I do try now and again!

SandwichCunt has a special ring to it. Start referring to her has "SC" from now on....you'll always have the upper hand on these asshats, especially after how they behaved.

It’s so weird. If I was on such a strict diet that the restaurant didn’t offer anything I could eat or was unable to tweak a dish like swapping chips for salad I just wouldn’t go. I’d apologise to the birthday girl & probably buy her bottle of wine. You probably have no more than hour before you need to be back at the office so why spend 10-15 minutes in the car.

Brilliant. SC indeed

@HelplessSoul has summed it up brilliantly. I would watch your back with these people.

You’re not being unreasonable to have rules for your own car. She wasn’t unreason to ask – she can ask, you can decline, fine.

You were unreasonable to act in the way you did. Sounds like you essentially had a tantrum. You should have just said you weren’t comfortable with eating in the car and said it was time to move on, then changed the subject.

I understand the trigger points, and your colleague should have left it it, but unfortunately you now look like the bad guy and that’s harder to come back from.

Hope the office atmosphere is okay tomorrow.
Your new car sounds lovely and I wouldn’t want the new car smell ruined by food smells, mine still hasn’t quite lost it after 4 months.

Thank you.

What food was it to last 4 months on??

I didn’t have a tantrum. I was calm but firm and abrupt with my tone, at an appropriate volume. When everyone around me sat there passively not saying a word, I got up and said I’ll be leaving. There was so scene. I value my time and I’m not spending it with colleagues who are hiding their faces in menus to avoid the situation.

Don’t lower me to the level of a toddler.

In what world is the OP the bad guy?

Another one that didnt read the OPs post properly.

Did you miss the part where they all piled in on the OP?

Just because you would react like a pushover doesnt mean the OP should fold like a chocolate bar in an oven.

The OP defended herself, as any sane person would when ganged up on.

The fact you say the OP is the bad guy shows just how messed up your vision is.

Utter fucking twaddle.

Nailed it.

Except I dont pity them.

I meant new car smell still there after 4 months. Nobody eats in my car!!!

i think it’s a little sad to prioritise cleanliness/order over connectivity myself. Each to their own and all but it’s not really what matters in life.

maybe look up OCPD…

Of course she could have found something to eat in the restaurant. She was just being an awkward knob.

I might be rigid and possibly OCD

To me it sounds more like OCPD than OCD, possibly. Unless you’re having intrusive thoughts? OCD is often misunderstood. It’s a very serious and debilitating mental health condition. Either way, I think it might be worth looking in to.

You colleague does sound as if she has food issues. Perhaps as a non-driver she didn’t realise how precious your new car is to you.

I’m a bit surprised by all the responses on here to be honest. I’ve never met anyone who didn’t allow eating in a car. In fact, when I travel any distance with friends they usually bring snacks for the journey, eg biscuits, sweets, fruitcake.
So needing or wanting your car pristine at all times isn’t a universal thing at all and your colleague may have been genuinely surprised by your reaction (though it sounds like she may not have given it any thought and /or doesn’t know you as well as you think.)

The comments in the restaurant were unfair.

However, if your ‘quirks’ are at a stage where they’re affecting your relationships I think it might be time to have a think about what’s important to you. Do you ever want children, for example? It’s good to have a nice home, but being too rigid and perfectionist would be damaging for children. It’s damaging for you too imho (sorry). I noticed you asked a pp what help they got for OCD. I think this indicates that you’re aware at some level that your quirks are actually an issue for you and that they’re not helping you. Life is about balance. Wishing you the best.