Stepdaughter’s bedroom at Christmas

[Balletbabe]

My 14 year old stepdaughter has an en-suite bedroom at our house which she uses maybe two or three nights a month.. This room is sacrosanct and DH won’t entertain conversations about it.

Essentially she will not allow my mother to use it over Christmas even if she isn’t here.

My sister is with her in-laws.

We either put my daughter in with our youngest two, or bring baby back in with us. Either of these solutions would potentially lead to sleep regression for both the younger kids. Or we travel for just under an hour to my mother’s, taking kids away from their presents and she will then feel the need to host us.

We still have no idea if stepdaughter is even going to be here.

All DH will say is he wouldn’t want anyone in his room either and he is willing to collect her after presents and she could get Uber back.

She’s still potentially living with her mother for a good chunk of the year, their terms are very short and maybe she’s home for weekends too. I do respect him for making sure she has a nice comfortable space thats hers for when she’s there but just think it’s unnecessary that no one else ever stays in the room. Like one of the other posters said, it’s like he’s running to completely separate families in one house, the OP can never be a true partner with him in such a situation

She has one previous thread. We don’t know that they don’t have a joint mortgage, don’t know any of their wealth, don’t know what lifestyle she could provide to her daughter if they separated.

He wants to retain control of his DD's situation, which is fair enough.

I can't work out whether he and OP are married or not. But it is okay for him to ring fence time and assets for his daughter. I can't see anything else in the posts about him being controlling or keeping OP short of money etc.

Her father had it built specifically for her exclusive use. It’s not a guest room. OP has always been aware of this.

Considering this, and that it’s been a source of resentment and conflict since he had it built, there’s no way she didn’t know that trying to use it as a guest room would create problems. Especially when she doesn’t even know that her stepdaughter won’t be using it.

I don't think step-parents ever can be full partners in one sense - they always bring someone to the relationship they have a duty to prioritise. And that means things are never perfect, but you can work together if you sort out boundaries and priorities.

Not every child would want her own room private in this situation and not every parent would agree it, but since that's where they are, OP would be better off taking that as read and working with her partner on other solutions.

Under this username, but she’s had more than one. Or there’s someone else with a situation that’s identical down to the extension.

TBF I think you are projecting somewhat here. Leaving your husband worked out well for you and you assume it would likewise work out for the OP. Perhaps it would but there is no way of knowing and we don't have enough information about their relationship to tell. In general it seems that OP is very happy with her husband and their relationship. It's just her SD that she has an issue with. She claims to like her and perhaps she does because the SD is apparently very like her father, but it seems clear there is also resentment that (a) her SD won't confirm to the OP's expectations of how their family should be and (b) that she's supported in this by her father.

We also don't know if the husband wants to retain control in general or whether he is jus completely adamant on how his daughter is to be treated.

We had a rule that the bedrooms here including my sd were never given to guests it was their rooms, what we did was give our bed to guests and take the room that was empty, often on a blow up bed.
mum in your room you and dh in sd room, if she’s there she goes in with the toddler.

Oh I hadn't realised she had other threads under a different name. Does this explain whether they are married or not as there seems to be confusion.

If I remember correctly the “dh” doesn’t want to get married again at all. To protect his older daughter’s interests as well as his younger children.

If you notice he was only a partner not a fiancé or husband on her last thread earlier this year.

Again even on this undernames last thread. He spent over 60k to put an extension on the house for his child. Not we had an extension on our home.

He and his ex are wealthy though the ex is even wealthier.

Might have been this op or another with rather similar circumstances as well where the man’s family wasn’t too keep on the “baggage” either and warned him to be financially savvy.

Ah this is interesting. I did wonder whether they had got married in the interim.

This is weirdly stalkerish. You are far too invested.

I can understand why some single parents never remarry for that reason but don’t see how if you’re your going to have a partnership and children with someone else, how first ring fencing a significant amount of your assets/income can work. There is going to be the risk of a significant disparity in the lifestyles you are providing for 1 child compared with another, obviously justified if e.g a disabled child but otherwise the resources should be shared just as most parents would with the dependant children of their own. I can understand some slight discrepancies, For example your eldest child has a horse she adores but you have another baby and you struggle to afford maintaining the horse but it is very precious to her so you make sacrifices as a family to continue to afford it. Thats very different to saying child 1 must maintain the exact standard of living, holidays, a fancy bedroom etc so wel’ll ring fence money/assets for that and child 2 and your partner who is bearing and caring for your children and your home has a lower standard of living on what’s left

of course your mum cant have a 14 year old girls room. Move the baby, its literally no big deal. Easy.

Yes I agree it’s hard to be able to fully judge without knowing all the facts and with more facts I would perhaps have a different view. However based on the facts available so far I don’t see it’s a great future for her like this, don’t see she would be happy or have the chance to build a life with someone in any meaningful way

So the house belongs to your partner and the room belongs to your SD. It doesn't matter how many agree with you here, the room isn't yours to monopolise and your partner has said no. Your mother lives less than an hour away, surely just pick her up and take her back later? Longer term, if you can't make it work with the SD, it would be better to seperate whilst your joint DC is young than your DC grow up watching you dislike thier sibling and build their adult view of you from that.

I should say, OP, I understand why you're disappointed your DSD doesn't want to blend with your family. I'd be a bit sad about that too. But it is not wrong of her not to want to, and it's one of those things that will only get worse if you try to force it. I think you have a lot going for you and if you can focus on the things you can and should control, you'll feel a lot better.

She doesn't want to, because she's trying to mark her territory. Unfortunately for her, she has no territory to mark, as the house belongs to her boyfriend, and her step daughter has more right to live there than she does.

I’m With Op on this one. If the bedroom is empty then it seems ridiculous to have to uproot everyone else when the room is there. If it’s also your house put your foot down, I wouldn’t let it go!

I would never feel confident advising someone to end a relationship and break up a family on the basis of such limited information

It is unknown if the bedroom will be empty and making plans as though it definitely will be is certainly sending a message to the SD isn't it?

Apparently it is not the OP's house and her husband has been very clear that his daughter's bedroom will not be used as a guest bedroom. He has spent 62k building an extension to ensure she has her own space. It doesn't matter how ridiculous the OP or anyone else thinks it is,.this is the reality. The SD's bedroom is not available even if if empty and the OP needs to make other plans.

God I only asked if it was unreasonable to want that my own mother could utilise an en-suite bedroom over Christmas that might not be in use anyway.

If your DH insists on DSDs bedroom being sacrosanct, how about you and your DMum share your bedroom and your DH can sleep on the couch?

The word "might" is doing some heavy lifting. If there's a chance your sd will be staying at some point that week then you should be encouraging that as best for her and your dh.

Maybe explore some comfy options for your older dd to share with her sisters

E.g. a chair bed https://www.habitat.co.uk/product/5644760

Or you can get very comfy fold away beds/mattresses.

You are viewing this from a very practical perspective so it makes sense that you think the en-suite bedroom should be given to your mum. However your husband is reading this in a very different way, one that’s likely to be entangled with emotions, fears around his role in his daughter’s life, about the bedroom representing belonging, permanence and so on. The problem is really that neither of you understand one another. I’d be curious about what preserving the room for his daughter’s sole use means to him. Your own daughter’s room is not preserved solely for her use … This is potentially a complex situation even though you are reading it differently.