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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re husbands drinking

93 replies

Charcharm · 05/12/2025 23:19

Husband has a tendency to drink way too much on select occasions such as the office Christmas lunch, new years etc. It’s not an issue on a day to day basis but today marks the third time in our marriage that he’s crossed some sort of line in my view. Last time it happened I told him it can never happen again or I’ll divorce him so I just want to sense check this before I do anything. Otherwise happy in this marriage and I would absolutely hate to break apart our family if it can be avoided.

Basically he can’t stop himself at a reasonable point when he is drinking, and he never thinks he is drunk despite being plastered. He has been arrested for drunk driving once and spent a night at a police station. I’m deeply ashamed over this. The children don’t know. It was traumatising. Second time he just ended up getting lost on public transport and I had to drive 90 minutes to collect him at 2.30am. Was worried sick before I was able to locate him.

today was a near miss, he was about to take an e scooter home which would have been a real issue, I talked him out of it over the phone and picked him up. This was a LUNCH which ended up getting out of hand, he forgot to pick up our son from his sport at 9pm and I’m doing damage control trying to explain this away in front of the children as I don’t want to embarrass him.

I am worried that he will just keep doing this, and at some point something terrible will happen. A horrible accident, or he drives under the influence again, he gets mugged, fired from his job, or any number of things. I hate that every time he goes out I’m worried sick, I can’t live like this.

Am I being unreasonable in wanting to end this marriage over this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Charcharm · 05/12/2025 23:20

For context these incidents are over a seven year period. He is 50 years old.

OP posts:
WhattheFudgeareyouonabout · 05/12/2025 23:21

I’m not sure if I’m not reading it correctly, but surely he shouldn’t be picking up his son from a sporting event at 9 pm if he’s been drinking at lunchtime?

Original poster
Charcharm · 05/12/2025 23:25

I don’t think the lunch in question was supposed to have alcohol beyond a glass of wine or so. People were meant to go back to the office after. Our car is currently in the garage so it would have been via public transport, we live close to the sports venue in central London so very easy to get a bus or one stop on the tube

OP posts:
WhichBigToe · 05/12/2025 23:26

3 times in 7 years seems like a low incidence rate to me.... there must have been lots of times he's gone out and managed not to get himself into trouble. Have you explored what was different the times it's been problematic? Only you can say whether living with the dread is worse or facing breaking up your family is worse. I'm sorry you're in this position.

Original poster
Charcharm · 05/12/2025 23:28

It’s a very low incidence rate, but when it’s bad it’s very bad and it’s the dread of not knowing what’s in store. The stakes are so high. I just don’t know how to handle this

OP posts:
Original poster
Charcharm · 05/12/2025 23:31

Work events seem to trigger something. Post Covid there haven’t been that many boozy affairs in his office, and his friends are not big drinkers so when he is out with them it tends to be pretty civilised.

If there is a trigger I guess it would be other people (these days primarily colleagues) drinking?

OP posts:
PigeonsandSquirrels · 05/12/2025 23:36

I was a drinker like your husband once. It was a work drinks that ended with me in a cell and almost in prison. I don’t drink alcohol anymore. I honestly didn’t mean to do any of the things I did… didn’t even remember them. When you can’t control yourself after drink you’ll only put yourself and others in danger. I had an incident maybe once a year, two major incidents was enough to quit completely even though I’m perfectly capable of just having one or two most of the time.

I just never know when the 1-2 drink events will become the 8 drink event.

NuffSaidSam · 05/12/2025 23:40

So he's been unacceptably drunk three times in seven years?

The unacceptable things he did were:

Drink drive
Get lost on public transport
Consider driving an e-scooter
Forget to pick your son up from a sports activity.

I don't think getting lost on public transport is an issue really. That happens. The other things are a serious problem. I think if everything else is otherwise good though, I wouldn't break up my children's home over it.

Talk to your DH in the morning and make a plan to stop it happening again. If he is apologetic and willing to stop drinking I'd stay. If he is defensive or aggressive then I'd consider my options.

AutumnAllTheWay · 05/12/2025 23:42

I wouldn't split up a family over this, no

Ghht · 05/12/2025 23:48

I wouldn’t break up with him but I would insist that he stops drinking (or else break up)

Original poster
Charcharm · 06/12/2025 00:00

Thanks for the perspective everyone.

@PigeonsandSquirrels I’m glad you were able to turn your situation around, I can see how it’s not an easy thing to do. You’re describing our exact situation: there is no way of knowing if a couple of fun drinks turn into ten, and getting arrested. I just never know what’s in store if he goes out and it scares me. I’d like to think that if something like that ever happened to me I’d be too terrified to ever risk it again, but my husband always thinks he is in control when he drinks, almost sober even. He doesn’t seem to understand when he is drunk.

OP posts:
Original poster
Charcharm · 06/12/2025 00:03

Ghht · 05/12/2025 23:48

I wouldn’t break up with him but I would insist that he stops drinking (or else break up)

That’s the agreement we had: this was never supposed to happen again yet here we are. Had he been caught operating an e-scooter under the influence it wound have been his second offence and who knows what could have resulted from this. I’m shocked that he would act like this again

OP posts:
IntrinsicWorth · 06/12/2025 00:06

Mm.
I don’t think very occssional, consequence- free lapses are problematic in themselves.

Not collecting a younger child as agreed is problematic, though.
As is, getting lost on public transport aged 50. Yes, when you’re young and footloose but not when you’re older.

I wouldn’t jump straight to divorce for that but I also suspect it isn’t just about the drinking.

Are you generally the default parent to the point you’d worry about leaving him and the kids alone for a couple of weeks? If so, that is a big problem IMHO.

Original poster
Charcharm · 06/12/2025 00:06

So him promising not to do it again has not been an effective strategy. What can we try next? Is there some kind of treatment for this? I think it’s an alcohol problem, but I don’t think it’s alcoholism? I don’t think it’s realistic for him to never drink again but equally he doesn’t seem to be capable of stopping at the agreed upon three drinks for work events either

OP posts:
Original poster
Charcharm · 06/12/2025 00:08

No @IntrinsicWorth I wouldn’t worry about leaving him in charge of the children, he has had them by himself and there have been zero issues. It’s just when he goes out that things occasionally get out of control

OP posts:
IntrinsicWorth · 06/12/2025 00:09

And the drink driving/ scootering does show a kind of reckless approach to self- and other- harm. I’d be concerned about that. Most people would never drink drive because they know it’s socially reprehensible -even most alcoholics don’t do that. Personally I’d be worried not so much about the drinking but about the reckless disregard for consequences, for himself, for his family, and for other road users.

CandyCayne · 06/12/2025 00:10

Charcharm · 05/12/2025 23:25

I don’t think the lunch in question was supposed to have alcohol beyond a glass of wine or so. People were meant to go back to the office after. Our car is currently in the garage so it would have been via public transport, we live close to the sports venue in central London so very easy to get a bus or one stop on the tube

Edited

How did you pick your husband up to prevent him using an E scooter?

TheAutumnCrow · 06/12/2025 00:11

Charcharm · 06/12/2025 00:06

So him promising not to do it again has not been an effective strategy. What can we try next? Is there some kind of treatment for this? I think it’s an alcohol problem, but I don’t think it’s alcoholism? I don’t think it’s realistic for him to never drink again but equally he doesn’t seem to be capable of stopping at the agreed upon three drinks for work events either

It’s a putting-other-people-at-risk problem.

It’s the lack of care for your children, you, himself, your family, that’s getting to you, I’m guessing.

I presume he lost his licence previously? So he’s in precarious territory all the time now.

CandyCayne · 06/12/2025 00:13

Charcharm · 06/12/2025 00:06

So him promising not to do it again has not been an effective strategy. What can we try next? Is there some kind of treatment for this? I think it’s an alcohol problem, but I don’t think it’s alcoholism? I don’t think it’s realistic for him to never drink again but equally he doesn’t seem to be capable of stopping at the agreed upon three drinks for work events either

He's more than capable, he just doesn't want to.

I think we all know people like this.

People who say 'I can't stop at one'.

If that's truthfully the case and they're that bothered, then don't have one. It's not mandatory 🤷‍♀️

He's 50. This problem isn't new to him and yet he continues to do it and that's his choice.

You need to understand he's owning that choice, rather than 'looking for treatment'.

IntrinsicWorth · 06/12/2025 00:14

He might be ok now, but his willingness to do what he wants and sod the consequences is a problem. I bet you’d never do similar if it meant your kids were left waiting and not being picked up :(

he might not be an alcoholic, but he is showing some selfish and reckless tendencies.

Being honest, that is pretty hard to change. Some men are just selfish buggers.

Individual (for him) and couples therapy might be a good idea.

Bambamhoohoo · 06/12/2025 00:17

Does he want to stop?! There is no point in you being anxious and trying to make deals and agreements if he’s not interested.

fwiw I have a couple of male friends who are similar- one does these things much more frequently- they won’t stop. Their wives have just had to make peace with it. They aren’t the ones who can stop it

stormwatcher · 06/12/2025 00:17

There's absolutely nothing you can do to make him stop, OP. He has to make the decision to stop drinking, and so far, ultimatums have fallen on deaf ears.All you can do is decide at what point his reckless disregard becomes too dangerous for you and your children.

Teaforthetotal · 06/12/2025 00:23

I think it's the fact that you told him it should never happen again and the fact that he almost put himself in another situation again that is the issue.
Did he reflect properly on the seriousness of the drink driving when it happened? Perhaps he needs to revisit the risks he's taking to himself and others when he drinks and what the consequences could be for all of you.

SallyDraperGetInHere · 06/12/2025 00:26

The incidents may be infrequent over years, but each as a standalone is deeply problematic. If hr can’t stop at two drinks, and makes poor decisions, tbh, he shouldn’t be drinking at all. He has no stop button.

PigeonsandSquirrels · 06/12/2025 00:30

Charcharm · 06/12/2025 00:00

Thanks for the perspective everyone.

@PigeonsandSquirrels I’m glad you were able to turn your situation around, I can see how it’s not an easy thing to do. You’re describing our exact situation: there is no way of knowing if a couple of fun drinks turn into ten, and getting arrested. I just never know what’s in store if he goes out and it scares me. I’d like to think that if something like that ever happened to me I’d be too terrified to ever risk it again, but my husband always thinks he is in control when he drinks, almost sober even. He doesn’t seem to understand when he is drunk.

Yeah unfortunately that’s the alcohol tricking him. I genuinely thought I was fine all of the time… until I started having blackouts and doing dangerous things. It started going from feeling completely fine to waking up in the morning with hours of time missing. Honestly I found it as confusing and scary as my husband did.

Alcoholism is an outdated term because it doesn’t feel like it applies to people like me or your husband. Aka problematic binge drinkers. That’s why alcohol use disorder is more commonly used now.

AA has helped me.

Oh and I did the agreed upon 3 drinks thing too. And the glass of water between drinks and the ‘only shandies’. It’s called negotiating and it doesn’t work for many because at 3 drinks your inhibitions have already dropped off.