AIBU re husbands drinking

[Charcharm]

Husband has a tendency to drink way too much on select occasions such as the office Christmas lunch, new years etc. It’s not an issue on a day to day basis but today marks the third time in our marriage that he’s crossed some sort of line in my view. Last time it happened I told him it can never happen again or I’ll divorce him so I just want to sense check this before I do anything. Otherwise happy in this marriage and I would absolutely hate to break apart our family if it can be avoided.

Basically he can’t stop himself at a reasonable point when he is drinking, and he never thinks he is drunk despite being plastered. He has been arrested for drunk driving once and spent a night at a police station. I’m deeply ashamed over this. The children don’t know. It was traumatising. Second time he just ended up getting lost on public transport and I had to drive 90 minutes to collect him at 2.30am. Was worried sick before I was able to locate him.

today was a near miss, he was about to take an e scooter home which would have been a real issue, I talked him out of it over the phone and picked him up. This was a LUNCH which ended up getting out of hand, he forgot to pick up our son from his sport at 9pm and I’m doing damage control trying to explain this away in front of the children as I don’t want to embarrass him.

I am worried that he will just keep doing this, and at some point something terrible will happen. A horrible accident, or he drives under the influence again, he gets mugged, fired from his job, or any number of things. I hate that every time he goes out I’m worried sick, I can’t live like this.

Am I being unreasonable in wanting to end this marriage over this?

This is completely untrue btw. Pretty much every alcoholic I know has a drink driving conviction. Most have numerous. Alcohol makes people do things they wouldn’t normally do especially when at alcoholism level.

He was a 25 minute walk away, but unable to orient himself properly, so I helped by walking home with him. I could have left him to it but I desperately wanted to talk him out of using the scooter, and I didn’t trust him to leave it unless I saw it myself. Also we are in central London so him getting mugged was another consideration

I would've called a cab for the silly tit.

Thank you everyone. Thank you @PigeonsandSquirrels . I’ve read everyone’s posts several times and I’m going to come back to all of this tomorrow again. I need to think very carefully about all of this.

Can’t talk to anyone in my life about this so this is a bit of a lifeline. I really appreciate all the perspectives.

OK, different experiences here. My point was that you can’t always attribute deeply antisocial behaviours to acoholism. Some people are just reckless selfish individuals who will overindulge because consequences don’t matter that much. Of course, alcoholics can become seriously impaired and do what the hell they like because they just care about alcohol. It’s just in this particular situation I think it might be unhelpful to chalk it up to “alcohol abuse” - there is probably much more going on.

For context, I come from a family of enthusiastic and committed drinkers, and my wider circle also has more than its fair share of alcohol dependent individuals, but drink driving Is still frowned on including among the heavy drinkers. By and large they have facilitating partners/ children who get in the car to get them…which is a whole other story. Anyway, that’s just my experience.

Agree he is a problem drinker. The only things he can do is completely stop drinking (or perhaps stop drinking when you're not there). I don't think I could live with him going out and you not knowing if he had done something terrible to hurt himself or others. What does he say about it though, clearly he must know that 'I'll only have a couple' doesn't work every time

Is he going to see it as serious, OP? Was his promise that this would never happen again a promise he made because you asked him to (may be gave him an ultimatum)? Or because he was horrified at what happened?

3 times in 7 years is a low incident rate, but the severity is high. So high it makes me wonder if it’s really only been 3 times or if there are other times he’s been this drunk and you just didn’t find out. Most people don’t get into trouble every time they get really drunk.

Regardless, presumably being caught drink driving meant losing his license (and so huge expense for you as a family)? And this time forgetting about his responsibilities to your son is hard to forgive. He promised it wouldn’t happen again, but it has. I think the only thing that would be a likely to actually stop it is if he gave up drinking entirely - at least when he’s out with friends and colleagues. Is he likely to agree to that? Do you want to stay with him if he does?

@IntrinsicWorthI see what you’re saying and I agree that most people, even when abusing alcohol, don’t choose to drink drive because it’s so dangerous. However my point was that it’s important to remember that alcohol is a nervous system depressant… it slows and even stops some of the signals in the brain which stops cognitive function from happening normally. Some drinkers can be so very drunk that they don’t even know they’re drink driving. I know one who didn’t even drive who got behind a wheel because they thought it was a bumper car in their inebriation. Prior they hadn’t driven in a decade. Another who set himself on fire and forgot how to put fire out… Social rules do not always apply when one is so incredibly drunk but doesn’t fall unconscious due to a use disorder.

This is a really tricky one, because as you say the frequency is low but the seriousness of the incidents, and the resulting tension and stress for you, are high.
Because we are a drinking culture, and defining alcohol abuse can be difficult, one of the ways a problem with alcohol is identified is if it's a concern for one of the people in the drinker's life. Since you are being affected, therefore, he has a problem.
Is there a history of drink problems in his family?
Another thing that strikes me is that you are falling into the classic "enabler" role. You pick up the pieces and cover up for him. People only change when they feel the consequences of their actions. Maybe you need to let him do that? Maybe if his drink driving was known to family and friends, it would have been more of a wake up call. You say you are ashamed of that, but it's his shame to feel, not yours. Or if you didn't cover up for the children's sake? Totally understand why you do but it's for him to feel he's letting them down.
I feel for you, because it's so complex. There are support lines you can ring to talk things through. Wishing you all the best.

The drink driving alone would have been a deal breaker for me.

Sorry op, but for me this would be second ultimatum time...he stops drinking for himself or its over. I have lived that on edge feeling as to have their night out will end and I wouldn't live like that again. I

My husband had a very unhealthy relationship with alcohol...much more frequent than just social events and its taken years for him to realise that he can't drink anymore. He has no "off button" once he starts and he can also have a personality change. 9 times out of 10 he was the fun, sociable mrwhaleand snail6 but some times he would be irritable, obnoxious, ready for a fight/irresponsible actions.

He is now finally at a place where he himself knows he can't drink anymore. We briefly separated whilst he came to that decision, as he'd tried before to do it for me but it didn't work...he had to realise himself

Perhaps unpopular idea but any chance you can anonymously message the workplace and address to manager/owner a concern about "work related get together and alcohol consumption" perhaps citing that if an employee gets inebriated while on a work related get together, the workplace is liable?
They may rethink the work parties with booze (or not).
I've known workplaces that have done exactly this for exactly this reason, that's why I mentioned it.

But I agree, it "could" happen anytime, it's not the workplaces fault (supplying free booze/encouraging drunkenness, right? It's more your husband has no control once he starts and he usually only starts at work parties)
So really it comes down to him not drinking outside the home. But yes, I've known workplaces that adopted a no alcohol policy at get togethers for their legal protection

Don’t worry about embarrassing him. He should be embarrassed about what happened and you shouldn’t cover it up. Stop doing that.

Stop saving him. Let him get arrested.

He’s already been arrested, that didn’t stop him either.

I agree with others that you need to stop covering for him OP. Obviously pick up the kids etc but he does need to feel the consequences. I didn’t stop drinking after my arrest either but I did when I publically hurt a good friend of mine. Thankfully, she was fine and has forgiven me but the sharp shock of seeing all those accusing, angry, shocked faces staring at me and the shame of not being able to look people in the eye was what made me choose to go sober. Not the police/court who were strangers to me that I could put out of sight and mind.

You say you were worried sick about him being 'lost on public transport'? He's a 50 year old man who lives in central London. Surely he just gets an Uber home? I wouldn't be driving around to try and find him and pick him up. Nobody ever did that for me when I was a teenager. So I wouldn't do it for a grown man.

Three episodes that were embarrassing but not that much terrible happened. I guess that's one positive. Nobody got hurt, nobody pissed themselves.

Apart from the drunk driving which is really bad. If he does that again you can threaten divorce.

Personally I probably would not split up over this but given that your husband acknowledged the problem last time it happened, knows the damage it does and how seriously you take it, and still DID do it gain, I'd expect him to acknowledge that there is a problem that he can't solve himself and get professional/specialist help, now, and follow through with it. You said Last time it happened I told him it can never happen again or I’ll divorce him. Did you mean this when you said it? Did you intend to follow through? What's changed? If you let this go, what will you do next time it happens?

I think it’s an alcohol problem, but I don’t think it’s alcoholism? He doesn't need an exact label in order to seek help. But if he isn't able to stop drinking to excess despite genuinely wanting and trying to, then that's an alcohol dependency issue whether or not it fits the exact definition of alcoholism. A professional can help him figure out if he needs to quit altogether or if he can develop habits that allow him to limit his intake.

I don’t think it’s realistic for him to never drink again. Why not? This IS the solution - or, I guess, the viable workaround - for many, many people with alcohol dependency issues including the pattern of "hardly ever takes a drink, but can't stop once started". If you discover that you genuinely can't regulate your intake or behaviour once you've had a drink, then you never take a drink. It's inconvenient at times, sure, but obviously so is the current situation!!

Thanks again everyone. Lots to think about.

About covering for him: I don’t want our children to be disappointed in their father. That’s the only reason.

@BillieWiper these incidents have hurt us. The legal fees and the fine for the drunk driving came at the worst possible time and it was pretty devastating financially. He lost his license for a pretty long time which was far from ideal. We were also worried that having this on his record would cause issues with his employer, but fortunately they were nice about it and he was able to keep his job. He is at a new place now, and perhaps they wouldn’t be as understanding if it happened again?

I feel like we are living on the edge, that we are one horrible incident away from losing it all, that something truly life changing might happen if he does this again. That’s what I can’t come to terms with. I don’t know how to go on like this.

I had a cardiac event a couple of months ago and I am not well (I’ve name changed for this but people here have been so lovely and supportive when I’ve posted about my diagnosis). I would like to feel that our family is in safe hands with my husband, and 99% of the time we are, but it’s the possibility of another one of these outlier events which frightens me.

You know what, @Charcharm, I was thinking that you sound like a woman worried that her husband’s going to lose his job, the result being that you and your DC lose the roof over your heads.

Your update seems to confirm this.

The stress of the risk and the precariousness of this is taking its toll on you. And frankly, your DC are going to be disappointed in their father at some point, aren’t they? If not now, then sooner or later. So please re-prioritise your concerns here. You are worth a whole lot more.

You don't deserve all this stress. I hope if you explain it's genuinely affecting your health and you will have to split if it ever happens again then he won't do it.

I think you just need to say what you've said in this post to him.

How do you think he'd react?

How has been about it today??

I wouldn't go straight to divorce, but I would be very angry.

You need to stop covering for him and enabling him. Stop collecting him. Let him get arrested and don't cover it up - the embarrassment is all his and nothing to do with you.

Also, I wouldn't worry at all about a 50 year-old grown-arse man lost on public transport in London. Really!! Seriously!!? He's allegedly an adult so don't baby him. He can navigate the system and you should leave him to do so. I would.

If you keep picking up the pieces, even if it isn't high frequency, he will keep thinking it is OK.

Regarding the escooter and drink driving incidents, I might report them to the police if I knew he was about to do this.

We’ve had a couple of discussions now and I’ve told him everything I’ve said here. It’s als been hugely helpful to refer to some of the things you have all been sharing here.

Unfortunately he doesn’t see things from my perspective. He is very apologetic and agreed that it can never happen again but has otherwise let go of the whole incident. He just said he will be more careful going forward, which amounts to nothing in my opinion. I’m just counting down until the next time, which could be in one week, two years, or perhaps never.

I need him to accept that he has a problem with stopping at the right amount of drink, and I need him to understand what the risks are should he carry on like this (being fired, arrested, or worse). He needs to come up with a solid plan for how to avoid this and at this point I don’t think he knows how to do that.

I’m considering calling his mother. He really listens to her. There is a chance she will think I’m a horrible and disloyal wife to his son for doing this. There is also a chance she won’t see my side of this at all - boys will be boys kind of thing. But I think I have to try?

It's some sort of alcohol problem, although people who have it sometimes deny it because it isn't like the classic alcohol problem of drinking a lot all the time.

I have known a few people like this. Once they have one drink they can't stop. And then when they get drunk they go completely insane, like it flips some sort of switch in their brain. They can go for years being OK, have one drink and it all kicks off.

I don't know what the solution is, other for them to do something so bad which has such serious consequences they agree never to drink again. I would suggest maybe contacting someone who is expert on the problem for some expert advice on the subject, because other than giving up drinking completely I don't know what the answer to this issue is.