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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re husbands drinking

93 replies

Charcharm · 05/12/2025 23:19

Husband has a tendency to drink way too much on select occasions such as the office Christmas lunch, new years etc. It’s not an issue on a day to day basis but today marks the third time in our marriage that he’s crossed some sort of line in my view. Last time it happened I told him it can never happen again or I’ll divorce him so I just want to sense check this before I do anything. Otherwise happy in this marriage and I would absolutely hate to break apart our family if it can be avoided.

Basically he can’t stop himself at a reasonable point when he is drinking, and he never thinks he is drunk despite being plastered. He has been arrested for drunk driving once and spent a night at a police station. I’m deeply ashamed over this. The children don’t know. It was traumatising. Second time he just ended up getting lost on public transport and I had to drive 90 minutes to collect him at 2.30am. Was worried sick before I was able to locate him.

today was a near miss, he was about to take an e scooter home which would have been a real issue, I talked him out of it over the phone and picked him up. This was a LUNCH which ended up getting out of hand, he forgot to pick up our son from his sport at 9pm and I’m doing damage control trying to explain this away in front of the children as I don’t want to embarrass him.

I am worried that he will just keep doing this, and at some point something terrible will happen. A horrible accident, or he drives under the influence again, he gets mugged, fired from his job, or any number of things. I hate that every time he goes out I’m worried sick, I can’t live like this.

Am I being unreasonable in wanting to end this marriage over this?

OP posts:
mediummumma · 11/12/2025 12:30

The problem is that you think your husband occasionally drinking too much and being reckless is a problem, and he doesn’t. Maybe ask him how he plans to stop this from happening again? What solutions can he suggest to keep himself in check? If he doesn’t think there’s a problem here to be solved then I’m afraid there’s not much you can do besides accept the situation or leave.

And also give the shame of his drink driving back to him. You didn’t do this, he did and the shame belongs to him. Stop protecting him and let him feel the consequences of his behaviour.

surreygirly · 11/12/2025 12:31

He got pissed 3 times in 7 years
He sounds like an angel to me LOL
As long as her did not drive I would not give a monkeys

PigeonsandSquirrels · 11/12/2025 12:38

Well, he’s basically said he’s not willing to do anything I’m afraid OP. I get it, I denied I had an issue over and over and over again.

But it’s unlikely he will be able to stop it from happening again. Because if he had been able to do that he would’ve stopped it happening the first, second and third times.

I hope he’s some magical exception. But I’d prepare yourself that he won’t be.

PinkKimono · 11/12/2025 12:40

What is his drinking like on a day to day basis @Charcharm ? What has the spacing between these events been like, evenly spaced or were the last two closer together?

eta: you say he has a "tendency to drink way too much on select occasions such as the office Christmas lunch, new years etc" so are you saying he often drinks way beyond what is sensible apart from the three extreme events?

Ignore the cool wives, this is more than just getting a bit too pissed.

PigeonsandSquirrels · 11/12/2025 12:42

surreygirly · 11/12/2025 12:31

He got pissed 3 times in 7 years
He sounds like an angel to me LOL
As long as her did not drive I would not give a monkeys

No he got pissed so badly that 3 major events occurred. OP doesn’t say those are the only times he drank.

You can’t say it’s normal to get so drunk you’re arrested and lose your licence, forget your child.
? That’s problem behaviour.

eqpi4t2hbsnktd · 11/12/2025 12:52

My DP has this tipping point. 1small beer at home... fine... out and about generally a work thing and he is on a bender.

IndolentCat · 11/12/2025 12:56

Thing is, when you’re out of it you don’t form memories in the same way as when you’re sober, so you can avoid the shame you might normally feel. It won’t feel real to him so he can shrug it off.

If he can’t drink sensibly he shouldn’t be drinking at all, but I doubt you will get him to see that. What you do next is obviously up to you and your contextual knowledge- for me, it would depend on whether there is other problematic or excessive drinking, on a routine basis, or if he literally is sober and sensible apart from these isolated incidents. If the latter, I’d probably want to try to work something out, but if the former, I would call him an alcoholic and feel he needs to hit rock bottom before he’ll be willing to change.

Shedeboodinia · 11/12/2025 13:09

I would say if he has a work event he has to book a hotel near the event or not go next time.
The issues seem to be around him trying to get home.
As it is only 3 times in 7 years I would not break up about this issue. But say he has to book a hotel next time he can easily get back to or just decline the invite.
Or taxi could be an option.
His crime is taking moronic decisions on how to get home whilst drunk. So this is the part you can focus on.

stormwatcher · 11/12/2025 13:14

OP, when you wrote
He is very apologetic and agreed that it can never happen again but has otherwise let go of the whole incident. He just said he will be more careful going forward
you could have been describing the conversation I tried to have with my husband after he had collapsed on the floor, children waking me at 3am to call an ambulance, followed by a transformation from syrupy, wheedling drunk to raging animal.I waited seven months before further "isolated" incidents led on to two nightss of absolute horror.After his arrest for DV, part of me thought in the same way described by @GasPanic :
I don't know what the solution is, other for them to do something so bad which has such serious consequences they agree never to drink again.
But he laughed it all off, claimed it was a pack of lies and expected me to return with the children.He even told one of them, after t hey asked him to stop drinking, that of course he wouldn't be doing that.
I think the brushing off by your husband is not a good sign, OP, sorry.

InSpainTheRain · 11/12/2025 13:23

Whilst I completely understand it's annoying and he's broken a promise, it is 3 times in 7 years. I don't drink myself and I don't like drunks, but honestly I think you need to consider whether you are over-catastrophising this,

So what if he gets an escooter - he pays the price and has the embarrassment of it, So what if he's lost in London at 2:30am, I wouldn't be picking him up. You are to some extent enabling it - whilst you keep scooping him up and covering up the embarrassment he'll continue. You should not be embarrassed at someone else's poor behaviour either.

The only thing I would always do is cover over for the kids - so if he doesn't pick them up I would. But I would absolutely tell him to apologise and explain himself.

KookyPinkHare · 11/12/2025 13:24

I would involve his mother, firstly because he listens to her and secondly because it signals to him the seriousness of the issue to you, since he seems to still be downplaying it. One would have thought a drink driving conviction would have brought him to his senses tbh but it seems not, so you are justified I think in reaching out to someone else who cares about him and has influence on him.

Sayyaya · 11/12/2025 13:34

He clearly has a problem with alcohol even if he’s not an alcoholic’.

You can either end your marriage and whilst some will say you would be unreasonable to do this, you can walk away for any reason you want. The drink driving and subsequent conviction is a very big deal and maybe it has been minimised by him which is why you’re second guessing yourself now.

If you do stay, and that is also reasonable, you should just disengage from him around his drinking. You don’t discuss it again but say to him when he goes out drinking you will not be calling him or answering his phone calls. You won’t be driving around in your car looking for him and bringing him home, won’t be walking to meet him to make sure he gets home safely. He is responsible for his actions and the consequences. You can’t make him stop drinking but you can control your behaviour and choose not to enable him in any way. And that might make you feel less powerless. At the moment, you’re his fall back when he gets himself in a mess. He’s a big boy, let him deal with the shit he gets himself in.

Original poster
Charcharm · 11/12/2025 13:36

@InSpainTheRain we would all be paying the price should he get arrested a second time for drunk driving, or even being drunk and disorderly in public (which is why I picked him up when he ended up lost on the tube in some dodgy area). He could be facing up to 6 months in jail, the fines and fees would devastate us, he would risk losing his job - the impact on our children would be immeasurable. I’m doing all I can to avoid this. If a side effect is that I’m enabling him it’s offset by avoiding the really serious scenarios.

Not a long term strategy, I know that.

OP posts:
CraftyYankee · 11/12/2025 13:36

What if the next incident is drunk driving again and he kills someone?

I think personally you should tell him you want a separation and talk to a lawyer about your position. If that shock doesn't bring him to his senses and agree to take serious measures like giving up drinking then at least you'll know where you stand.

Original poster
Charcharm · 11/12/2025 13:37

@CraftyYankee not impossible. I’m weighing my options. Would hate to break the family apart if it can be avoided so still trying to find another way.

OP posts:
Cocoagrowing · 11/12/2025 13:40

You're not wrong, but equally no one's perfect and 3 times in 7 years?

I would be furious about the sports thing, but I have actually forgotten to collect a child once, just because I forgot.

I maybe would leave him to sort his own problems, and not be going out to collect him in the middle of the night.

Benjithedog · 11/12/2025 13:43

Charcharm · 06/12/2025 00:06

So him promising not to do it again has not been an effective strategy. What can we try next? Is there some kind of treatment for this? I think it’s an alcohol problem, but I don’t think it’s alcoholism? I don’t think it’s realistic for him to never drink again but equally he doesn’t seem to be capable of stopping at the agreed upon three drinks for work events either

It’s not a case of what can we try it’s a case of he tries. He has to want to do it and change. If he doesn’t want to change you can’t make him. He has already broke his promise to you and he will continue to do so. I’m very much afraid there has to be real consequences for this behaviour but the question is how far do you want to take it?

CraftyYankee · 11/12/2025 13:44

But why are you the one bearing negative consequences for his bad actions? He gets to dismiss your concerns while you live in fear of the next incident? Especially if you now have a medical issue.

Have you asked him about what happens if he kills someone? If he does something less serious but gets hit with fines, fired etc?

If he's not taking it seriously there's only so much you can do. Your best bet is to give him a shock to his system. Right now you've done such a good job protecting his shame that he hasn't felt real repercussions other than financial. He needs social ones.

Original poster
Charcharm · 11/12/2025 13:44

For added context, when he was arrested and charged they gave him the maximum fee possible under the law, and they took his license for the maximum time allowed. Meaning if he gets arrested again, I’m under no illusion that he would be treated leniently by the court. His profile, actions and behaviour clearly invited a harsh penalty the first time so it would be BAD should it happen again. Aside from what drunk driving could cause - can’t even bear to think about that.

He just says that he would obviously never drive after drinking ever again so that’s not a relevant argument anymore.

To which I say that he tried to operate an e scooter under the influence, and was also aiming to go and sleep in his car when he got back home, to not wake us. So he doesn’t even understand the law: simply sitting in a parked car whilst drunk is an issue.

OP posts:
CraftyYankee · 11/12/2025 13:46

I'm sorry but he's being an idiot. Maybe you should make him watch some of the videos about the aftermath for families when someone is killed by a drunk driver. He's extremely unsafe and I couldn't live with that.

Original poster
Charcharm · 11/12/2025 13:47

He just says that he won’t ever drive after drinking car whilst drunk ever again, so this argument holds no power over him.

OP posts:
CraftyYankee · 11/12/2025 13:51

I guess try his mother then. Good luck, sounds like an untenable situation if he won't accept the reality of his drinking issue.

Sayyaya · 11/12/2025 14:00

Do your DC know about the driving ban?

You seem to be carrying the weight of this when he is the one who should be feeling embarrassed and ashamed. I think him saying oh I wouldn’t do that again (driving whilst drinking) doesn’t really wash. He did something really stupid whilst drunk and it’s not a massive leap to say he could do something really stupid again.

He’s not taking what you are saying on board, but any changes have to come from him, which is why ultimatums rarely work.

40YearOldDad · 11/12/2025 14:00

Charcharm · 11/12/2025 13:47

He just says that he won’t ever drive after drinking car whilst drunk ever again, so this argument holds no power over him.

You can only take this at face value until he does otherwise. It would be unfair to sentence him to a crime he has not committed, but has the potential to commit.

As the first drink-and-drive event, I'm glad he got the maximum fine and ban. Being rat-faced and driving there is no excuse at all.

Benjithedog · 11/12/2025 14:00

Charcharm · 11/12/2025 13:37

@CraftyYankee not impossible. I’m weighing my options. Would hate to break the family apart if it can be avoided so still trying to find another way.

At this stage there really isn’t another way. Yes you can discuss this with his mother but I can guarantee this will not stop him drinking. You cannot protect your children from this. They will pick up on it if they haven’t already. You have to stop thinking of this as a we problem and more of a him problem but it’s clear you have to do something.