AIBU re husbands drinking

[Charcharm]

Husband has a tendency to drink way too much on select occasions such as the office Christmas lunch, new years etc. It’s not an issue on a day to day basis but today marks the third time in our marriage that he’s crossed some sort of line in my view. Last time it happened I told him it can never happen again or I’ll divorce him so I just want to sense check this before I do anything. Otherwise happy in this marriage and I would absolutely hate to break apart our family if it can be avoided.

Basically he can’t stop himself at a reasonable point when he is drinking, and he never thinks he is drunk despite being plastered. He has been arrested for drunk driving once and spent a night at a police station. I’m deeply ashamed over this. The children don’t know. It was traumatising. Second time he just ended up getting lost on public transport and I had to drive 90 minutes to collect him at 2.30am. Was worried sick before I was able to locate him.

today was a near miss, he was about to take an e scooter home which would have been a real issue, I talked him out of it over the phone and picked him up. This was a LUNCH which ended up getting out of hand, he forgot to pick up our son from his sport at 9pm and I’m doing damage control trying to explain this away in front of the children as I don’t want to embarrass him.

I am worried that he will just keep doing this, and at some point something terrible will happen. A horrible accident, or he drives under the influence again, he gets mugged, fired from his job, or any number of things. I hate that every time he goes out I’m worried sick, I can’t live like this.

Am I being unreasonable in wanting to end this marriage over this?

I agree with this.

there is no point in OP sitting down with him asking what he’ll do if he gets arrested or kills someone. it’s not effective and it reinforces the unhealthy parent: child relationship they have when it comes to booze

They were at an age where we could hide it from them, so they’re not aware. It’s different now. Of course they wonder why daddy forgot to pick up our youngest from the pool, etc.

If he'd been caught riding/driving an e-scooter while drunk it would have been the same as driving a car. Asleep in the car but not driving is a lesser offence but he would have to prove he didn't intend driving and depending on how high his alcohol level was he'd struggle if it was so high it would still have been over when he woke and drove.
You are right OP, he was within a fag paper of going to prison with 2 convictions within 10 years.
Would telling him to remove himself from the house until he proves he is getting help or you will divorce him work ?
Maybe getting his mother onside ?
I don't know, you know him more than we do.

But, please contact Al-Anon, they will be able to support you.

He needs to adopt the No Drinking at anything work-related strategy.

As my husband has progressed, this is what he started to do. Then he knows he won’t do or say anything that might be misconstrued by others [who have been drinking]. He also leaves immediately after or during desert to allow everyone to let their hair down without the boss on hand.

If this only happens at work events, then I think he may need to have a small series of counselling session to understand why that is - it may be that he is ND or actually quite socially anxious so finds work socials excruciating. The booze may take the edge off. If this is the case he needs therapy to address social confidence and to explore strategies that support that without having a few drinks.

Also, just a wild thought, I knew someone who was actually allergic to wine. Went straight to her head and made her a raucous and unbearable drunk. If she stuck to beers or a ciders, she had no issues with managing her behaviour and it might explain why your DH ‘doesn’t feel drunk’? Is it wine he is drinking at these occasions but lager when with his friends?

@Charcharm I was in a similar position 10 years ago. My husband only really drank socially, but when he did all bets were off. The 2am phone calls with him trying to explain where he was so I could get a taxi to pick him up (young children in bed). Getting home in such an appalling state that he'd sleep on the bathroom floor. Forgetting where the bathroom was. Deciding the kitchen sink was the best place to vomit. Mercifully he couldn't drive in those days otherwise drunk driving would have happened. He'd swear up and down that he was sober, and only had a couple.

I kept covering for him. Adopted his share of the shame that he didn't feel. Deflecting the impact on the children. Little by little he would drink more often, then the arguments would creep in because I was trying to "control" him by asking him to drink less/be more responsible. Then he started drinking more to 'prove' he didn't have a terrible relationship with alcohol.

In the meantime whilst I thought I was protecting my children, I really wasn't. It all came to a head when he came home one day and my eldest (by then a teenager) told him exactly what she thought and how shit it made her feel.

As heartbreaking as it was, because I loved him in spite of the drunk version (because he was otherwise lovely) I made quiet plans to leave with our children.

Dysfunctional relationships with alcohol are too common in this country, people are quite comfortable saying "it's only a one off" but you have children, they are being let down every time you excuse his behaviour. I'm remarkably fortunate that my children forgave how long it took for me to leave him.

My husband didn't think he had a problem. He still doesn't and expresses disbelief that I left him over a few drinks. If your husband can't face up to the fact his relationship with alcohol is dysfunctional and harmful to his family then you really need to step up as a mother and protect your children from this. The older they get, the harder they'll find handling his behaviour. I'm so sorry my lovely.

My Ex Husband was just like your husband, @Charcharm Note how I say he's my ex.

Children aren't stupid, despite you covering for him they will know something is going on and probably have guessed that it's drink related. You know deep down it will happen again and it won't get any better, he's not taking it seriously at all. I would (and did) leave. His new wife has the same issues with his drinking, thank god I'm free of him.

Sorry you're going through this, it's absolutely awful and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Op, what is his relationship with alcohol like outside these three extreme events?

He is being a terrible father, prioritising booze over his own child, and over the security of his family.

I would tell him to move out until he grasps the severity of the problem.

I would also tell his mum and anyone else you think might embarrass him into changing.

I think it's time you left him. You are not breaking up the family, he is. He is indulging in highly risky behaviour that could seriously hurt him or an innocent third party. You don't need to convince him that he has a problem: you know he does and that's all you need. It is not fair on you to be left worrying about what he might do when he leaves the house for a works do. Despite the ultimatum about drink driving after the last time, he was about to do it again on an ebike!! Clearly the last ultimatum hasn't got through.

If you leave him, he can choose to sort himself out or continue as he is. Meanwhile you move on with your life so that you don't have the worry of what he might get up to when he goes for works drinks. He's being so inconsiderate towards you and the kids, but then that's problem drinkers.

He needs to not drink when he’s out as all control goes out of the window after a few. If I had driven a car drunk i’d have been mortified and stuck to soft drinks when out. As that’s when you’re likely to be influenced by the ‘have another, it’s Christmas’ brigade.

I feel too many excuses are made for behaviour when intoxicated that people wouldn't even think about when sober

People on this thread saying "its only 3 incidents in 7 years..." Its not only 3 incidents...its the op having nights and hours of worry every time he goes out drinking what his behaviour will be like. Its the potential legal and financial implications.

A decent father would accept that he can't control himself when drunk and accept that his behaviour when drunk could have serious implications for himself and his family and give up drinking. But he doesn't want to accept that he wants to carry on "having fun- also known as being a drunken dick with no limits but its ok cos its all just a laugh and he'll control it next time..." Bollocks.

Op, I'd cut my losses and start the process of leaving him.

So havent read whole thread but what would happen if you split and he was due to have children on a day where he was drinking... If he didn't have family life to anchor him would he drink more making these events more likely to happen not saying there reasons to stay with him but more the problem and the worry doesn't always stop if your not together as he is still the parent of your children and you will be much less aware/involved /in control of what happens if he's drinking and you're not a couple

There are 3 options with a drinker with no off switch. They stop drinking altogether. You accept that when they do drink this will happen and mitigate risk/inconvenience like insist they stay in a hotel. Or, neither works for you and you leave them. In a good relationship I'd try to take these options in order. However, the drink driving is very serious so that would be a hard line for me and I'd not be giving more chances when it came to that.

If this is specific to work events, would he consider self regulating by not drinking on those occasions?

come up with a fib if he feels he needs one to explain the not drinking to colleagues? (Early event next day/antibiotics etc).

I would expect my partner to do this, if every work event ended in law breaking or risky behaviour.

sounds like he gets carried away as doesn’t feel he get L’s the opportunities to socialise/drink / let hair his down much- so it all gets terribly messy when he does.

For me, a single drink driving incident would be an absolute hard line and I would expect my partner to commit to no drinking at events if there was even a slight risk of happening again. Not worth the risk!

@CharcharmI have been through something very similar to you although in my case he wasn’t caught drink driving but he did drive once after 4 pints, and did many other stupid awful things that individually or if isolated episodes could have been excused but taken in totality over many many years just became intolerable for me.

eventually I asked him to at least try giving alcohol up for a year so we could work on our damaged marriage without the aggravating factor that caused the marriage damage.

He refused, and ultimately we ended up divorcing. It was horrendous and a part of me will never fully forgive myself for breaking up my family as I was the one who chose to leave, but the peace of not living with the anxiety and aftermath of the binge drinking was incredible.

its not been easy though and i would exhaust every possible avenue before you choose divorce. Only you can know if it’s the right thing. For me I think it was but even with that knowledge it was, and is still tough to live with.

You can DM me if you wish for any further help on this, i know what you are going through.

I’m glad you got out when you did and now lead a far happier life. I would say though that it’s up to the husband to put the effort in to save his marriage and deal with his drinking not his wife

The best place for advice is Al Anon try reading some of their literature !