The mums are going out FOMO

[Peppa421]

I’m friendly enough with DD’s class mums (year 2) I say hi and bye but not overly close with them. One posted in the group chat about end of term lunch with the kids to a Restarant chain near by. I politely declined because I’m not sociable and I don’t fancy dealing with my DD and her elder brother too and most likely they will fight the entire meal. But listening to all the chatter on the group chat I feel a little down. My mental health is not great right now but I’m working on it by getting my environment clean and tidy and not letting myself get too stressed out which makes me worse. It seems like lots are going. In class of 22 about 13 have said yes.

I feel really depressed listening to them as I wish I could be normal but if I said yes I would be thinking about it and obsessing over the things that could go wrong from now till the 2 weeks when it happens. Can anyone relate or give me advice? I truthfully don’t want to go but I feel I should be going and my DD is missing out. Please help me feel better I feel so down. I wish I wasn’t so crazy and wish I was normal.

I used to get this all the time - social anxiety. I take medication now and have started doing things I would never have before eg work Xmas party, drinks with school mums etc. it’s quite life changing. Would recommend speaking to your GP and in the meantime be kind to yourself, you’re not alone in feeling this way.

I can also relate to how you're feeling and also facing a similar struggle after declining an invitation to a Christmas event for managers - I'm going to the one for my own team.

FOMO is real, even when you know its not worth the stress and anxiety that going would create.

I think it's lovely they've organised this, but it's absolutely OK that it's not for you 😍

It’s social anxiety. You most likely have mild autism which tbf a lot of us have which is undiagnosed.

Sometimes you just need to jump in at the deep end because you’ll probably end up having a great time.

I personally would go without my DC

Not everything needs or has a label OP. You sound pretty normal to me. I’ve not accepted invites that I don’t feel comfortable with. Just sounds like maybe you are a bit introverted and also anxious about your childrens’ behaviour and being judged by your peers? Don’t let your head get overly invested in it. Is there something on at the cinema on that day that you and your DCs could go to? Or some other event? Dont force yourself to do something that potentially will cause you lots of anxiety between now and then. It’s just not worth it.

Also, sometimes when social situations trigger these feelings/doubts, it's because the situation reminds us of something from the past (maybe even from childhood) which made us feel excluded or like we didn't belong. So actually the feelings you are experiencing now may not even have much to do with the mums going to a restaurant without you. They may be old feelings resurfacing, if that makes sense. It can be helpful to just observe and 'feel' the emotions without judging them or trying to pick them apart.

It’s social anxiety. You need to be brave and face up to it and go, otherwise your daughter will suffer same anxiety as she gets older. Is there a mum going that you know? You could have a word with her to make sure you can sit near each other if things get hard for you. Your daughter will probably enjoy it and talk about it for weeks later. Good luck x

Not much related but thanks for this post!
I am a very sociable person and I notice there are mums who never join in or seem to shun social events etc and I always thought they feel to be superior and too posh. I am started to think they might feel like you. If this was the case I would understand and actually probably offer to bring their kids with me without them if the kids wanted to go and would miss out

I’m like you. I dread going out in the run up to it but always really enjoy myself once I’m there. I would also suffer from FOMO if I declined.

I have a rule that I make myself go even if I really really feel like cancelling.

I truthfully don’t want to go but I feel I should be going

There’s your answer. You don’t want to go. Also although you have focused on the fact that 13 mums are going, 9 are not (and chances are that number will increase). So it’s not just you who isn’t going; others also have reasons not to go which could be quite similar to your reasons!

OP, sometimes in life we can only do so much. Focusing on yourself and keeping your environment organised sounds like a good place to start. You can progress to meeting people 1:1 and in small groups over time but many people would feel a bit overwhelmed doing out in a big group with children and find it too much.

What would you say to a friend in your situation? Be a friend to yourself and take that advice!

Yeah I hated going out with the school mums! Couldn’t think of anything worse, tbh!
I prefer to go out as a family or with a small group of friends. I haven’t kept in touch with any primary school mums bar one.
I also get anxiety. Don’t feel bad, I expect a few of them going wish they’d said no by the time it gets nearer.

Just say no. You have said you don’t want to go, your DD is a fussy eater, its not exactly the most child friendly thing going to a restaurant anyway- it’ll be more an excuse for the mums to have a glass of wine while the kids are communally occupied so I wouldn’t worry that you or DD are missing out, particularly if you are not overly friendly with these mums.

you don’t owe it to anyone, you are not being rubbish, you just need to trust your gut instinct that you didn’t want to go and that’s the right thing for you. All you are feeling now is people pleasing guilt. Mute the chat and wish them well.

You need therapy. You are describing a high level of anxiety which is causing you distress and preventing you from socializing and receiving normal support from friends. You are self isolating, ruminating and worrying about future events, and probably overcompensating by cleaning and organizing more than is necessary.

Sounds similar to me avoiding the work Christmas party then thinking about it non-stop and feeling alternately relieved that I’m not going and then sometimes that it could be fun and what’s wrong with me. I hate this inability to socialise unless I’m with close friends or family and utterly comfortable/myself. Hate it!

Do you think the other 10 people who aren't going have thought about it this much? I doubt it, and I can guarantee there will be drop outs as the event approaches.

You don't fancy it, that's fine! With a sit down thing you only really get to talk to the people right next to you.

I found I was often doing things or going places I didn't really want to so that DCs didn't miss out on things. I often enjoyed them once I got there, just go, a room full of mums and kids no doubt there will be some drama but not necessarily your kids! You can always leave if it gets out of hand, sorry little Johnny isn't himself today....

I can relate. I say no to things because I know I’ll hate it - sensory and social overload. But then I get envious when I see pictures of people attending events and seemingly having a great time. I have to remind myself that we’re different people with different needs and different ways of enjoying life.

I'm the same, if I commit to going out I then fret about what to wear, what coat to wear, where to park, what if I'm first there, what if I'm last there and have to sit at the end of the table, what if I knock a glass of wine over etc.

As a child, I was always being hen pecked about table manners and hearing gasps of horror from my Mum whenever I was chatting to people and I'm pretty sure that's wear it stems from.

I do force myself though as I didn't want DS to end up like me, you won't be the only nervous one, sometimes forcing yourself is the only way. Your kids won't be any more feral than the others either 😄.

I can totally relate. Firstly don't saddle yourself with Mum guilt on top of the overwhelm you are already feeling. Your daughter will be fine missing out. I promise. Family life has to work for all of you and it sounds like you've done an amazing job getting yourself on an even keel. I so know how hard this is and how easy it is to overbalance everything again. Id definitely do something else social that feels more comfortable for you. And maybe next year you can join in but this year its ok to socialise in a way that feels manageable.

This can be a busy , stressful time of the year anyway OP without adding more in. I would accept that this event isn't for you at the moment, look forward to doing some lovely things with your daughter at Christmas (crafts, baking movie nights) and possibly finding a small hobby group or book club perhaps to join in the new year . Kindest wishes x

Totally feel this. I overthink everything and it’s exhausting honestly.

I am dreading ds going to primary school next year!!

I used to be like that and worry about missing out. Now I am older and wiser I am quite happy to miss out. It's better to get 2 or 3 friends of a similar mindset and get comfortable with them rather than big groups.

I relate! I have missed so many things. If I do go I mentally tear myself to bits for weeks after worrying that I might have said too much,I am a nervous talker and am aware it must be a nightmare for anyone sitting next to me. As I have got older I decline most things as the worry beforehand is horrible. However I find if I am invited spur of the moment to something I go and have a good time.
Weirdly whilst I think I am socially inept other people often invite me because if I do go I will always be able to set others at ease. I haven’t any suggestions for you other than to say I understand!

@Halfquarterbag and @tripleginandtonic why be unkind. There is no need! Are you unpleasant in real life too or just on anonymous forums?

I think it's great that you know your limits. Try to be kind to yourself and focus on the fact that you know you are low and will get through it in ways that feel right for you. Definitely no shame in talking it through with a professional if you feel up to that too. But overall, you are doing your best and making choices that feel right, there's something in that vs giving in to social expectations when it would just make you feel worse.