The mums are going out FOMO

[Peppa421]

I’m friendly enough with DD’s class mums (year 2) I say hi and bye but not overly close with them. One posted in the group chat about end of term lunch with the kids to a Restarant chain near by. I politely declined because I’m not sociable and I don’t fancy dealing with my DD and her elder brother too and most likely they will fight the entire meal. But listening to all the chatter on the group chat I feel a little down. My mental health is not great right now but I’m working on it by getting my environment clean and tidy and not letting myself get too stressed out which makes me worse. It seems like lots are going. In class of 22 about 13 have said yes.

I feel really depressed listening to them as I wish I could be normal but if I said yes I would be thinking about it and obsessing over the things that could go wrong from now till the 2 weeks when it happens. Can anyone relate or give me advice? I truthfully don’t want to go but I feel I should be going and my DD is missing out. Please help me feel better I feel so down. I wish I wasn’t so crazy and wish I was normal.

It seems to me that you’re craving social interaction, but just don’t like this sort of big group thing. Lots of people find big groups tricky. Lots of people love them and it’s nice that the invite was open to all.

Could you message one person you gel with and arrange something for next week?

I can relate. I think you are being hard on yourself and minimising how you feel by referring to it as FOMO. That’s not a criticism of your choice of words by any means. I find it difficult to explain my feelings too. And, of course, I may well be wrong.

My take on your post is that you don’t have the wherewithal emotionally to attend this kind of event right now and perhaps that makes you feel like you are letting yourself down in some way. That might be just being disappointed with yourself that you wouldn’t have the confidence to go even if you wanted to. If it is something like that, give yourself a break. Confidence isn’t something we can just switch on, it’s built over time. If you can find ways of doing that at your own pace, I think these types of situations will cause you less and less discomfort.

It's fine not to go. Your dd will be fine. It sounds stressful for the reasons you say. Do something you'll enjoy instead. I would feel the same.

I think this is a good point. I wouldn’t want to go to a big group thing because it’s too many people, too noisy, just too much. I’d prefer to organise a play date or meal with just one or a couple of friends that are on the same wavelength. That sounds much nicer.

Funny thing for me is that I don’t get FOMO and never have done. If I don’t want to do something I’ll politely decline and then just feel quietly pleased that I don’t have to go!

Sorry if this was asked but why not just go with your DD? Can you arrange something else with DS or can someone watch him (do you have a partner or someone else?).

Is it an invite for families to come or just the mum and the child enrolled in the class? Imagine if each person brought the siblings it would really be quite a huge gathering. I assume going forward your DD and DS will eventually have some events separate from each other.

I have two siblings and when I was a child, I don’t remember events always automatically including them. Maybe things have changed.

It’s actually more selfish to go! She hates the food there and won’t eat anything. Also the noise by so many kids will stress her out, it’s selfish to take her as I’m thinking of myself and missing out. By not taking her I’m focusing on her needs only. She will not enjoy it, my DS whose older will but she won’t

Perhaps in the New Year see if you are up for setting yourself a challenge and doing some socialising with the mum’s from the other class. Starting with a one to one thing possibly at your own house may work for you or an evening drink with one or two of the nice mums.
For now try not to think about the lunch, TBH a lunch with that many people isn’t much fun. Think of the money you saved and put a little bit of it towards a mini treat with your DC on the day. So in your mind you can’t do Prezzo or wherever it is as you getting a hot chocolate in town with the DC and they are buying daddy a present from the Poundshop (or sometime that).

You are fully WRONG.

It’ll be horrible, don’t put yourself through it.

Realise that these things are not your thing and don’t force yourself to do them.

But you said in your OP that your daughter is ‘missing out’ by you not accepting the invitation, and that the reason you said no was because you struggle socially and were afraid your children would fight. Which is it? Won’t your daughter be chatting and playing with her friends, regardless of the food? Is it possible to have your son looked after by someone else for a couple of hours?

You do realise feelings are not black and white don’t you? I FEEL she’s missing out but in REALITY she won’t even enjoy it as she’s a fussy eater and won’t try the food there. I also feel she’s missing out on the social aspect but in reality she’s been to countless parties before and not enjoyed the noise and has started crying. Truthfully she won’t even be upset if she finds out she’s missed it but I will as I FEEL I should be going and taking her.

I don’t know how other people’s minds work but my feelings don’t always line up with the facts or truth of the actual thing. I can’t process my feelings and thoughts till I write them down which I used this post for to understand. I don’t know what’s wrong with my mind I wish I was normal.

You dont have to put yourself through nightmare situations for your child to have fun! Theres infinity opportunities for fun, this meal is not one of them.

I propose, movie night in instead! Popcorn pizza and sweets, doors locked and curtains drawn!!

Nothing about you comes across as ‘not normal’ on here, though. Lots of us can struggle to understand our own emotions (I certainly do), and lots of people find socialising difficult. Your problem in this specific instance seems to be that you wish you wanted to go to this meal, although you absolutely don’t. I’ve found therapy absolutely transformative in terms of understanding myself and figuring out ways to live with me.

Great idea!

Ive got social anxiety and i used to always feel bad, feel like i 'have' to turn up to these social events, then hate it! Ive now accepted myself, i dont like socialising, that is me!! Be you OP 💚

Thank you for putting this into words. I just feel so different all the time. Could you advise me in therapy? I tried CBT for over 25 years but nothing worked also tried talking therapy.

I was abused as a child so my thinking is sometimes a bit weird and I don’t know what’s normal and is normal. In my mind I should be going but inside I rather do anything but this

Yeh I’m like this - introvert extrovert. I hate going to things and agonise over them but a good gathering with lots of laughs is exactly what I need. Mentally I feel so overwhelmed at the thought of going. Afterwards I agonise over what I said and if it was stupid.

I was abused in childhood too. I’m sorry it happened to you. It’s a club with way too many members. I thought I’d dealt with it and that it didn’t affect me now, but I’ve realised over the last year or two, via therapy, that it’s with me every day. Less the abuse itself than the lack of response of people who knew and didn’t act, which has left a legacy in terms of me feeling less visible, less actual than other people, and very disconnected from my body.

I’d suggest finding a therapist with experience in adult survivors of CSA. I can’t link here because my phone is on its last legs and I can’t open another tab, but if you go onto the Mind website, it lists support options for adult survivors — that might be a place to start researching options for specialist therapists.

I think you are right not to go, it does sound very stressful.

But I am many years further along with my own fussy eater and I wish I'd just taken a tupperware of things she would actually eat to so many things - no one really cares if you do this. You can make things easier for you and her.

Movie night and pizza still sounds like a great alternative though 🍕

Sounds like this is the right decision for you and your DD. One thing with large groups mainly adults for the future- at a restaurant with a table that big I find that actually I’m with the few people I’m sitting beside. I say adult as with a meal you don’t have to circulate like a party. With children maybe they move more (I don’t have any)

I would stop thinking about it to be honest. It was an invite to a meal. You don't want to go.
You cannot go and not go all at the same time. Be glad you made a decision.
And stop thinking about it.

Woah that is quite an ambitious sit-down meal - they’ll be about 40 people incl hyper kids. I don’t think you need a diagnosis of something for that to not be your cup of tea … perhaps organise some smaller play dates.

Try telling yourself "I was wanted at this event. I was invited. I had a choice to go. I weighed it up and decided on this occasion my reasons not to go outweighed my reasons to go. On another occasion I may feel differently and may make a different choice". These are not the thoughts of a loser. They are the thoughts of a person with options and control over their choices.

Hi OP, you sound very similar to me. I have suffered from this my whole life. I am about to start therapy for social anxiety and OCD.