The mums are going out FOMO

[Peppa421]

I’m friendly enough with DD’s class mums (year 2) I say hi and bye but not overly close with them. One posted in the group chat about end of term lunch with the kids to a Restarant chain near by. I politely declined because I’m not sociable and I don’t fancy dealing with my DD and her elder brother too and most likely they will fight the entire meal. But listening to all the chatter on the group chat I feel a little down. My mental health is not great right now but I’m working on it by getting my environment clean and tidy and not letting myself get too stressed out which makes me worse. It seems like lots are going. In class of 22 about 13 have said yes.

I feel really depressed listening to them as I wish I could be normal but if I said yes I would be thinking about it and obsessing over the things that could go wrong from now till the 2 weeks when it happens. Can anyone relate or give me advice? I truthfully don’t want to go but I feel I should be going and my DD is missing out. Please help me feel better I feel so down. I wish I wasn’t so crazy and wish I was normal.

Yes I can fully relate @Peppa421 . I feel like this too. For me it's social anxiety and anxiety in general. What I can suggest is that if you actually don't want to miss out just go for an hour perhaps? That way you've shown your face. You'll feel better once you've been and done it. Or if you really don't want to go then that's absolutely fine too! Don't feel bad about it. I totally get where you are coming from 100%.

Thank you. I don’t feel comfortable with the mums tbh. I feel more comfortable with DS Year group as they’re down to earth and I feel they are similar to me but DD’s class they are more trendy and outgoing and I have nothing in common with any of them

My adult DS is like this, even he really wanted to go he wouldn’t be able to. I feel for you OP as I’ve seen how difficult it is my DS.

Thank you. What does he feel he can’t go? What stops him?

for me it’s a mixture of things like the stress of driving there, trying to find parking then the kids fighting in the car then getting to the place and DD refusing to eat anything then crying that she’s hungry but there’s nothing on the menu she will eat

He finds it really difficult to talk to people other than immediate family.
He thinks he may do something socially wrong and people will be talking about him or looking at him.
He wouldn’t be able to sleep for weeks before and it would build up and up until he gets quite ill.
He’s not good in busy or loud places so would worry that the restaurant is busy especially around Christmas.
He is very unadventurous with food so trying something new stresses him out.
Getting there is also an issue unless he could walk there.
Basically all of it.

That sounds tough and I can totally relate to all of it x

Yes absolutely do this , If you naturally gel with those mums better then try and get friendly

Hey OP - I’m autistic and overthink everything. Even when I arrange to meet up with good friends I dread it until I’m there - and then I have a good time.

If you’re able, sometimes it’s worth just pushing through the dread because you might be surprised how much you enjoy it. And it does get slightly easier the more you do it.

But not always.

On this occasion it feels like a no-brainer. Your DC don’t want to go. They’re about to go to a different school. You know your DC won’t enjoy it. You have no rapport with the mums.

Whats the point even stressing about it? Just fuck it off. Can’t see any benefit at all to you pushing yourself to go.

And if you feel bad, remind yourself what you wrote: out of a class of 22, 13 are going.

That means 9 aren’t going. Thats almost half. Almost as many people aren’t going as there are going!

You're not the odd one out here so don’t let your anxiety tell you that you are. Christmas is busy, I’m sure you’ve got plenty to think about than spend your precious time worrying about whether you should push yourself to do something neither you or your DC would like!

Also, “normal” is vastly overrated. You sound kind, conscientious, and caring. Looking after yourself and doing the things that protect your mental health are the best things you can do for your DC.

Honestly my love, please don’t give this any more headspace 💐

If I was going to do anything it would just be a simple playdate with one parent because Christmas is chaotic enough! While this all sounds well intended I can only imagine chaos. As someone else said, you don't know that these other kids will all sit nicely and eat the food and personally I think something like this is a recipe for disaster.

I get you want to now do something but it doesn't have to be right now. Lots of people are busy in the run up to Christmas and also cost wise don't need the added expense. If you feel you want to mix with the school mums for either child why not wait til Jan when things are quieter for people.

@SpidersAreShitheads thank you so much for your advice. I honestly think I am autistic as I overthink everything. I did have childhood trauma which I hear “causes an injury to your brain” and mimics ND behaviours.

If I’m being honest I don’t like the mums innDD class. I’m sure they are lovely but I don’t feel at ease either them and find them a bit fake. I also feel alone when I’m with them as I don’t fit in whereas with DS mums I’ve chosen a few who make me feel good when I’m around them and I can be myself

Plus it’s a table for 27 people now as the kids and parents and siblings going! It sounds like a nightmare

I do this sometimes - I objectively don't want to go, but beat myself up for not being the sort of person/family who does want to go, and who enjoys it. I'm autistic. I'm not sure how much it's linked.

In practice, if I went: I'd stress in the lead-up to it, worrying about what if I end up seated next to annoying X, or if my younger child messes around during the meal, or if the restaurant messes up my order because that often happens with big group meals, or or or. And probably ruminating afterwards on something I/someone else said or did.

It is the week/s before xmas. Everyone is stressed, children are building to peak mania - it's the perfect time to do something with just your family. Stick a film on at home, walk around to look at lights, go to Costa for hot chocolate, or just do nothing and breathe out.

Absolutely fine not to go, not fine to categorise women you don’t know very well as ‘fake’ - for one thing someone has put effort into organising something nice for the class kids and their families and has invited everyone (certainly not a given by Year 2), that should be appreciated even if it’s not your thing. You should definitely organise something post-Christmas with the mums you do have more of a relationship with as you suggest.

Are you neurodiverse by any chance ?

I get you, I really do. I’ve started a new place of work and I was asked to go out on the their Christmas do”. I said I can’t make it this time - I’m kind of wishing I hadn’t now.
I’m also the first to leave if I do go out (like my social bucket is full and then I just have to go) and then I get FOMO when I hear about what they got up to after I left! 🤣😭
If you stay in try to do something nice, for me it would be a nice meal and maybe some crafts.

See my dd is autistic and your posts sound just like it. Don't worry about not going but maybe do something fun with your kids even if its just at home.

I think you are being selfish and your dd is missing out. Is it too late to change your mind?

I actually think excluding some would be quite unfair.

At least this event seems to have been inclusive and fair in that sense.

'Thankyou for the offer but unfortunately, DD is a very fussy eater and I know she won't eat anything. Nobody needs to hear her complaining about food, trust me 😂 let me know of any future plans and we'd love to join!'

I’m sure she knows how to say no thank you.

Good morning to you too 🙄🙄🙄

(OP, my comment wasn't in anyway meant to offend. I've been in your situation and never knew what to say!)

@DriveVerySlowlyPastNumber23IWantThemToSeeMyHat sorry, it did come over more waspish than intended. But to be fair the OP does clearly say she’s already declined the invitation; advice on how to do this isn’t necessary.

Thankyou for your apology 🙂 The OP said she politely declined, yet she's still stressing. My post was how to decline were the point is very much made.

(PS. I think 'waspish' may be my new word of the day haha)

I can so relate @Peppa421 . My children are teens now so no need for me to be social in order for them to have friends.
While I do feel anxiety being in group settings I am fine meeting 1:1 or even better- just having a bunch of kids over. I love kids and parents were delighted that I would happily have their kids over so they could get some free time. I connect easily with children, always have even before being a mum. Love organising games etc. If you are like me then don't worry- they will happily jump at the prospect of you keeping their children happy at yours.

This is my specialist subject!

I could have written your posts, right down to the detail of worrying about where to park.

Up until this year, I was the dreadful person who would agree to do things, and then half the time I would realise near the date that my FOMO didn’t compensate for my anxiety about actually doing “the thing”.

I decided enough was enough, and that my lovely friends might stop inviting me to events, although I always paid up any associated costs from my cancellation. So this year I have said no to far more things, but the ones I have said yes to, I have to attend.

I think this has worked much better for everyone concerned. Yes, I still get a bit of FOMO but it’s nothing like the anxiety I used to have leading up to events I knew I would struggle with.

My friends all know I am ND and that certain situations cause me to panic, despite medication.

In your shoes I would plan something nice to do that day. Hope they have a lovely time. It’s all OK. It’s just not the right event for you. Having FOMO is natural so just accept it for what it is and move on. 💐