Partner's children ignore me/ don't want to know myself or my children.

[Hellotochocolatecake]

Lovely partner of 3 years, engaged, bought house together. Really adore eachother! We are best friends and i know its cheesy but each of us tells the other how lucky we are to have met the other.

We both have kids from previous marriage. His are adults with own kids and marriages, and I have older teens.
Ive always worked full time and im a fairly quiet person with a very small family but a close bunch of friends from different cultural backgrounds, professions etc. I value kindess above anything else.

A while ago, It became very apparent that his adult kids look down on me. This isnt imagined, it's been voiced and demonstrated. His daughter seems to lead this view and told her dad that she had reported back to her brothers that I was really awful. She wants nothing to do with me at all...massive reaction and its because she thinks im not good enough for her dad. Im not very pretty, i dont go to spas or have botox. I certainly dont have a tan nor do i dance on instagram or show weekly montage of the kids on Instagram ( family cookery competitions, wall murals etx) i just dont have time....i guess maybe she thinks im frumpy and boring...who knows.

She is affluent through family money and although doesn't work is able to be very outwardly flash and quite condescending. She has had a stable home with extended family nearby, inherited a huge house with lots of land, appear healthy and happy and all are very lucky with life. Holidays galore, instagram updates showing weekend breaks, family holidays..lots of what appears to be quality time together as a family etc etc, affluence and abundance. Good for them...i am proud to work full time and haven't been abroad for 20 years but i like my life with simple stuff! I'm quiet and revel in time with my kids and quietly with friends. I hope it doesn't appear as though I am jealous...we are just massively different in values. I grew up with money(ill explain later) and hung around girls like her. It neither impresses nor startles me. Its just not who i wsnt to be.

I try to remind myself she is still relatively young and not very experienced with life? And maybe this is why she is so loud about her affluence? She has been massively lucky with health, family support, unending opportunites with money, land, building opportunities and never has to do anything alone. She is slim and beautfiul with a husband that bends to her will...it's quite something to see!
We are clearly very different but the common theme was love for her dad. I'm happy mixing with all sorts of people but she was snarly and "off"from the word go.
I've met her 3 times and each time she has been rapidly cycling between sickly sweet & massively spikey. It was a bit confusing but i gently let her lead the conversation. I could see she was struggling with her dad having a partner...digs about her prep for holidays, silly sort of childish comments about her mum...its always very "me me me" but i figured that was just her so didn't take offence. I must admit it was difficult trying to find common ground. She runs a village group and was massively rude about the poorer mums...she isnt someone I would spend a lot of time with but the world is made up of all sorts of people. I was happy to slowly work on common ground.

Her dad had been single for probably 10 years prior to me...i could see maybe this was difficult for her. I was worried she may feel pushed out, but
I work full time and i am busy with elderly family on saturdays.This leaves my partner every day, EVERY DAY AND SATURDAY to see his daughter and grandkids. Evenings too to be honest if he wanted...
I didnt know why, but the contact slowly stopped over the past year, almost halting about 4 months ago...
I did mention this a dozen times to him, suggesting they meet up (obv without me) and also suggested i cook sunday dinner to get to know eachother.

This fell flat and my partner was very quiet about the whole thing.....

Eventually he told me she had written a manifesto that stated she didnt trust me or feel safe in my presence, and that she had the right to keep herself "emotionally safe. " I'm not perfect but i think anyone would find this difficult to hear....
The absolute shocker was the statement about her "boundaries" and that it wasnt her job to make me feel "comfortable". I was so, so confused as have no idea where this came from. The paragraph concluded with how moving forward, she would have NO contact with me and that she was only prepared to see my partner alone. She hasn't met my children and doesn't want to. She stated that she neither wanted to be my friend nor have a relationship of any kind with me.

I would never have wanted to be her friend!, had no intention of trying to be a step mum...all these judgements on 3 meetings.... i was happy to quietly do what you do with families and quietly get along.
Im utterly mortified, hurt if im honest and absolutely aghast for my partner.
Up until this point he maintained that she was etherel...absolutely perfect in every way but this has blown his thouguts and beliefs about her and his parenting completley into the air. He isn't himself at all, doesnt see the grandkids as doesnt want contact with her. Its awful and undoubtably will be "my" fault in all her families eyes.
Ive asked my partner what i can do to fix it, i wondered about going up to the house with flowers to say we maybe got off on the wrong foot (i dont remember any issues other than some slightly odd snipes from her... but would absolutely listen to any concerns she has as maybe i did say something wrong?) i

The other week, it dawned on my partner ...that no one else in her side of the family, his son in law, the siblings or in laws have spoken to him either or tried to broach it at all. He was very very close to them, always baby sitting all the grandkids for the weekend to facilitate holidays, school runs, taking them swimming, dropping shopping off, meals out for 10 to 15 of them etc etc...a really thoughtful man...always running about for them..and now zilch. Its as though she has rallied to punish him for being with me.

Ironically....although ive had to fight for everything all my life....my background is actually very affluent and my dad is a multi millionaire.
When my parents divorced he still owned multiple properties (12 as well as th3 fsmily home) It was an odd set up but i left home v young..and i didnt benefit from love, stability, roots or any assistance. My mum trailed off with a new husband and my dad hid money cleverly...
My father doesn't believe in silver spoons in mouth and is a slightly eccentric recluse....and I accept this.

His money is his and for all i know, he might spend it all before he dies (which actually is HIS business)
I wonder if she would see me differently if she realised about the money...but this makes feel sick as firstly the money isnt mine...but also what sort of person judges on money like that?

I earn enough to cover our bills, i have lovely kids and thoughtful friends snd a partner I adore. I feel fulfilled but this issue with his kids has broken my heart.

Is there anything I can do to try to repair this? We are getting married next year and his daughter refuses to acknowledge it.
My partner won't discuss it other than to say that he lives in hope that she will "come round".
I have a terrible feeling that historically she gets everytjing she wants and will sabbotage the relationship/ marriage.
Im not sure what I can do..

I’m wondering if his daughter doesn’t like you in part because - as is very obvious from the great detail in which you describe her interests and lifestyle - you are absolutely full of disdain for everything she enjoys.

I really didn't dislike her to start with. I just saw two very different people with common ground which was her dad.
I was ok to shelve any thoughts i had about her being quite loud about money and holidays as could see she values what people think of her ie the instagram posts and influencer style updates. It's also a different generation and not something I would naturally think to advertise on social media when I have meet ups with family and stuff.
I started to find it more pointed after she told her dad she wasn't prepared to have any contact with me😞and lots of her posts were about family etc.
My partner would come and show me the days out and comment he hadnt been invited along...over time (it took DP longer to notice) but it was obvious she had stuck to her boundaries and the big family get togethers have continued but without DP.
Good for her in lots of ways as if someone was really horrible, continually or made trouble etc then i perhaps wouldnt want to be near them but this appeares to come out the blue...and therr was no fall out, no big conversation. We only met a handful of times and none of these were notable. I could she was out of her comfort zone(we probably both were) but I hoped this would quietly get better for us both. Im sure it would have done given time. Lots of people in families just rub along and my contact, beacuse of work and my own commitments would have remained minimal.
There wasnt really any need for the upset nor the slightly odd letter thing to my partner about boundaries.. so I stepped back but its there in the background. Thank you x

We aren't your PA love.

I was wondering if it was in part because the daughter reminds the OP of herself. I know that when I absolutely loathe someone, it’s because I recognise something in them.

Despite all her protestations, there are some parallels — extremely affluent backgrounds, and an ingrained dislike of another person on the back of three meetings. I wonder whether part of this is jealousy (or discomfort) that, while the OP and her partner’s daughter had similarly rich upbringings, in the OP’s case she no longer benefited from family money after she left home, while the daughter clearly still does, and glories in a rather gauche way in what money brings her.

It's a good point!
Reading back, ive focussed far too muxh on writing things I don't like about her when tbh I didn't need to. I had a totally open mind whrn i first met her. I have adult step children and grandchikdren from my first marriage. Its still a rrally loving relatiinship i have with them and my DIL's.
Im Just venting as im hurt and confused about it all.
I have lots of different friends from all backgrounds. I'm more taken with kind people that accept and sort of reflect and yes, i found correlations with her and some of the girls i grew up with. Really spoiled and unaware of others living conditions and how difficult it is to make life work on your own with bills, work and childcare. I did find it difficult that she told her dad I wasn't good enough for him and then ordered no contact.
I was really annoyed about her comment about the group she attends as was putting working mums down (yes this hit a nerve..youre right! as she seemed to have no concept that the is fortunate never to have been responsible for a bill, worrying about a car passing MOT, being late to pick up kids from nursery etc as she never has to do anything alone.
Its been really hard since then to think of anyhting particularly nice abut her...when I was openly judged for working full time.
I didnt have any choice but to work and use after school clubs. Im very grateful for their help!

I admit that after the "no contact" order was made... I did get very negative about her.
I went through about 12 months of "goodness poor her" as didnt know what had gone on really. I thought she had had a breakdown actually to start with as it came out the blue and neither of us could make head nor tail of it. The write up / letter thing was really bizarre. Like maybe something printed off the internet off with bits filled in? It seemed robotic.
Its taken a while to become angry about it and vent.on here.
Essentially i was happy to stay out the way and suppprt DP and his daughter keep in contact (like i did before with reminders and prompts about picking up food for their meals or reminding him to drop by)
Thanks for listening to me.

The thing is, you don’t need to have been horrible, a nasty person, to have done something, that justified being left out.
They don’t have to include you because you moved in with their family member.

When someone has a new partner, it’s usual to include the new person yes, but it isn’t actually obligatory if you don’t want to. Too often people are reluctant to go somewhere without their new partner, and the rest of the extended family just aren’t ready to have someone effectively tag along all the time.

It’s just as annoying as when your friends start bringing their husband to all the meet ups, because he’s retired.

Men lose touch with their families all the time, because they don’t work at the individual relationships- they expect the women to facilitate it.

this

it drips from the OP.

She is affluent through family money

Not on your partner’s side?

My partner would come and show me the days out and comment he hadnt been invited along...over time (it took DP longer to notice) but it was obvious she had stuck to her boundaries and the big family get togethers have continued but without DP.

is she the only person who arranges these big family get togethers?

or are you saying the entire big family have agreed and support her stance?

It's quite an unusual set-up. They all live together on the same land so the meet ups are all arranged by her/the mixed family. So it's them plus partners plus lots of kids- maybe 15 ish of them plus partners, adult brother and sisters.

I've not really met most of them but the ones I have met seemed nice/ polite..just sort of normal manners and I honestly didnt get any funny feelings from them at all.
I saw one of the SIL's out shopping and she gave me a hug and then a sort of hand squeeze. I dodnt know what that meant but it didn't feel aggressive.

My partner's daughter had told me quite a lot about them as doesn't like the SIL's. So actually thinking about it...it's not jsut me who is disliked.
It would be harder to exlude them from family do's as they live in such close proximity.
Actually talking it through I wonder if Ive just ended up with the thin edge of the wedge and things have been taken out on me a bit? She confided in me (and i of course honoured this and didnt pass to my partner) but she has strained relationships with a lot of the adult women she has in her life as well as her mum and others she runs a group with.
Actually im feeling quite sorry for her the more I talk😔
I dont have any of these fall outs with people so maybe this is just normal for her?
My partner's brothers and sister are very supportive of our relationship and two of them called his daughter spoiled and "needs to learn a lot" when my partner talked to them about it.
TBH i actually feel a lot calmer about it.
Ill keep encouraging my partner to go and see her and the grandkids. I dont want to be somewhere Im not welcome, and can easily spend time with my family and my own grandkids.
I never wanted or needed to be cloying...i just wanted to do what I see other families do, be polite and find common ground when needed. We could have all quietly benefited from eachother as allies...i also have lovely family that she has excluded herself from..which is a shame. Thanks everyone.

She sounds absolutely vile. Shallow, rude, entitled and manipulative. Horrible woman seems to have poisoned the rest of their family against you which are makes them seem equally shallow. Guess they are hoping your partner will dump you because of his own desire to be close to them.

I think your partner needs to have a bit of a family meeting and find out WTAF they’re all thinking. Is she nasty? Would she have told lies to the other children

Why are you so bothered by this? Your partner is not bothered - otherwise he would have sorted it out. Just live your life, enjoy YOUR family and forget these people exists. She is not your family, you are not her stepmother. Leave her alone.

To be honest that's what friends said when it all happened but i was still questioning what I'd done to deserve being told Id been cut out. It just came from nowhere and Ive never rubbed anyone up the wrong way like this before.

I thought i'd sort of resolved it in my head months ago..but christmas kicked it off again with all the big family get togethers... thank you x

Op you all seem to judge each other in different ways. It’s good they’re the age they are, you don’t have to be around each other too much but saying that it’s not going to be easy for ye all, hope it works out

Manifesto or therapist advised letter? Why are you engaged when you’ve only met his kids three times? Doesn’t sound like he’s that bothered

Ive met her 3 times.
I haven't ever hassled her or asked to be near her, given her any reason to think I won't "leave her alone".
This is usual family manners and putting up with the odd family member that you're not too keen on for the sake of other's feelings and peace.

Ive stated a couple of times that my partner is very upset by it all and has basically pulled away from wanting to see her (because he is ashamed of her behaviour and because he has been very present, supportive and involved with the family) He doesn't understand it either and was talking about telling all the rest of the family why he had been staying away. I am trying to avoid this happening as there will be a huge blowup im sure.

He has asked to talk to her alone a few times and each time she has cried and simply said that she doesn't like me.
It sort of seems like she reverted to being very young again over this situation. I do feel a bit sorry for her as maybe its brought up something from her past.

No one is trying to take her dad. I am busy with my own family, work, house and friends. She is welcome not to like me..that's ok! Its quite extreme to offer family get togethers with wider family but specify you dont want to invite one person. I cant imagine ever doing this to my sister or brother.or wider family.

I am happy to continue leaving her be..as she wishes, but she has set an ultimatum to my partner which I am trying to pr0cess and since he is devastated by this, its difficult to come up with any answers.
Ive tried encouraging him to arrnage to meet her but the ultimatum has soured things between them.
Believe me..im all for harmony. Life is hectic enough without this bubbling in the background.

She doesn't need to get to know you or have a relationship with you (or your children) if she doesn't want to.

You have been with her dad for mere three years, you barely know her, have no right to discuss anything with her! You dont seem to understand that she is not your family. Its between her and her dad, you should not be involved in any way - at all. If she doesn't want to see you, its up to your partner to decide what to do.

And you said yourself you follow her on Instagram - you need to stop that.

Your DP needs to talk to his other kids - tell them about the manifesto and that it’s not on . If his daughter doesn’t like you that’s fine but she could just be a grown up and be polite! I don’t get on with lots of family but a polite hello how are you and Christmas etc isn’t hard!!

The whole set up sounds so odd if they all live in the same land!!! Really too enmeshed and she’s been pandered too her whole life and now sees herself as the mayor and supreme ruler of the family land!! Bad parenting by your DP and his ex

She sounds a lot like a spoiled brat who needs to grow up. I think just let your partner work out how best to deal with it.

Well aren’t you just lovely? I’m amazed you found the time to pass judgement on something you didn’t have time to read.

Are you the daughter?

You guessed!

She sounds like an immature, insecure ''daddy's girl'' - jealous of you clearly - wants all his love and attention. Is she a bit stupid and uneducated too? You're her ''rival''. DP must surely see that?

It's quite an unusual set-up. They all live together on the same land so the meet ups are all arranged by her/the mixed family. So it's them plus partners plus lots of kids- maybe 15 ish of them plus partners, adult brother and sisters.

now that sounds like an interesting thread (as opposed to one just being about an Op despising her boyfriend’s daughter and pissed off that everyone seems to be very much on the same page as the daughter)

1105 posts you’ve made @Gall10

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