Partner's children ignore me/ don't want to know myself or my children.

[Hellotochocolatecake]

Lovely partner of 3 years, engaged, bought house together. Really adore eachother! We are best friends and i know its cheesy but each of us tells the other how lucky we are to have met the other.

We both have kids from previous marriage. His are adults with own kids and marriages, and I have older teens.
Ive always worked full time and im a fairly quiet person with a very small family but a close bunch of friends from different cultural backgrounds, professions etc. I value kindess above anything else.

A while ago, It became very apparent that his adult kids look down on me. This isnt imagined, it's been voiced and demonstrated. His daughter seems to lead this view and told her dad that she had reported back to her brothers that I was really awful. She wants nothing to do with me at all...massive reaction and its because she thinks im not good enough for her dad. Im not very pretty, i dont go to spas or have botox. I certainly dont have a tan nor do i dance on instagram or show weekly montage of the kids on Instagram ( family cookery competitions, wall murals etx) i just dont have time....i guess maybe she thinks im frumpy and boring...who knows.

She is affluent through family money and although doesn't work is able to be very outwardly flash and quite condescending. She has had a stable home with extended family nearby, inherited a huge house with lots of land, appear healthy and happy and all are very lucky with life. Holidays galore, instagram updates showing weekend breaks, family holidays..lots of what appears to be quality time together as a family etc etc, affluence and abundance. Good for them...i am proud to work full time and haven't been abroad for 20 years but i like my life with simple stuff! I'm quiet and revel in time with my kids and quietly with friends. I hope it doesn't appear as though I am jealous...we are just massively different in values. I grew up with money(ill explain later) and hung around girls like her. It neither impresses nor startles me. Its just not who i wsnt to be.

I try to remind myself she is still relatively young and not very experienced with life? And maybe this is why she is so loud about her affluence? She has been massively lucky with health, family support, unending opportunites with money, land, building opportunities and never has to do anything alone. She is slim and beautfiul with a husband that bends to her will...it's quite something to see!
We are clearly very different but the common theme was love for her dad. I'm happy mixing with all sorts of people but she was snarly and "off"from the word go.
I've met her 3 times and each time she has been rapidly cycling between sickly sweet & massively spikey. It was a bit confusing but i gently let her lead the conversation. I could see she was struggling with her dad having a partner...digs about her prep for holidays, silly sort of childish comments about her mum...its always very "me me me" but i figured that was just her so didn't take offence. I must admit it was difficult trying to find common ground. She runs a village group and was massively rude about the poorer mums...she isnt someone I would spend a lot of time with but the world is made up of all sorts of people. I was happy to slowly work on common ground.

Her dad had been single for probably 10 years prior to me...i could see maybe this was difficult for her. I was worried she may feel pushed out, but
I work full time and i am busy with elderly family on saturdays.This leaves my partner every day, EVERY DAY AND SATURDAY to see his daughter and grandkids. Evenings too to be honest if he wanted...
I didnt know why, but the contact slowly stopped over the past year, almost halting about 4 months ago...
I did mention this a dozen times to him, suggesting they meet up (obv without me) and also suggested i cook sunday dinner to get to know eachother.

This fell flat and my partner was very quiet about the whole thing.....

Eventually he told me she had written a manifesto that stated she didnt trust me or feel safe in my presence, and that she had the right to keep herself "emotionally safe. " I'm not perfect but i think anyone would find this difficult to hear....
The absolute shocker was the statement about her "boundaries" and that it wasnt her job to make me feel "comfortable". I was so, so confused as have no idea where this came from. The paragraph concluded with how moving forward, she would have NO contact with me and that she was only prepared to see my partner alone. She hasn't met my children and doesn't want to. She stated that she neither wanted to be my friend nor have a relationship of any kind with me.

I would never have wanted to be her friend!, had no intention of trying to be a step mum...all these judgements on 3 meetings.... i was happy to quietly do what you do with families and quietly get along.
Im utterly mortified, hurt if im honest and absolutely aghast for my partner.
Up until this point he maintained that she was etherel...absolutely perfect in every way but this has blown his thouguts and beliefs about her and his parenting completley into the air. He isn't himself at all, doesnt see the grandkids as doesnt want contact with her. Its awful and undoubtably will be "my" fault in all her families eyes.
Ive asked my partner what i can do to fix it, i wondered about going up to the house with flowers to say we maybe got off on the wrong foot (i dont remember any issues other than some slightly odd snipes from her... but would absolutely listen to any concerns she has as maybe i did say something wrong?) i

The other week, it dawned on my partner ...that no one else in her side of the family, his son in law, the siblings or in laws have spoken to him either or tried to broach it at all. He was very very close to them, always baby sitting all the grandkids for the weekend to facilitate holidays, school runs, taking them swimming, dropping shopping off, meals out for 10 to 15 of them etc etc...a really thoughtful man...always running about for them..and now zilch. Its as though she has rallied to punish him for being with me.

Ironically....although ive had to fight for everything all my life....my background is actually very affluent and my dad is a multi millionaire.
When my parents divorced he still owned multiple properties (12 as well as th3 fsmily home) It was an odd set up but i left home v young..and i didnt benefit from love, stability, roots or any assistance. My mum trailed off with a new husband and my dad hid money cleverly...
My father doesn't believe in silver spoons in mouth and is a slightly eccentric recluse....and I accept this.

His money is his and for all i know, he might spend it all before he dies (which actually is HIS business)
I wonder if she would see me differently if she realised about the money...but this makes feel sick as firstly the money isnt mine...but also what sort of person judges on money like that?

I earn enough to cover our bills, i have lovely kids and thoughtful friends snd a partner I adore. I feel fulfilled but this issue with his kids has broken my heart.

Is there anything I can do to try to repair this? We are getting married next year and his daughter refuses to acknowledge it.
My partner won't discuss it other than to say that he lives in hope that she will "come round".
I have a terrible feeling that historically she gets everytjing she wants and will sabbotage the relationship/ marriage.
Im not sure what I can do..

What a vile, controlling woman who doesn’t care a jot about her dad or his happiness. If she did she wouldn’t be doing this. She’s more or less blackmailing him. At least your dp sees it as it is.
I have experience with adult step children disliking me and things only got better when I stopped trying. Like you, I have my own kids and their happiness it’s what’s important.

She’s a horrible bully

What’s wild to me is that you’re married, own property & have been together 3 years yet you only met her 3 times? Was one of those at your wedding?

Her behaviour sounds really childish and unnecessary, especially for her age. But I don’t think it sounds like your DH has handled this whole thing well at all, especially if he had been single for 10 years prior.

Just had a thought, are either of your kids girls? Could it be that she is not only jealous of you but also of your kids having her dad effectively parent them through their teenage years that she perhaps did not have?

You seem to be very sure you know her well enough to describe her very negatively here, but at the same time are saying you can’t understand her negative opinion of you as you’ve only met 3 times.

Ultimately, it’s up to her if she wants to spend time with you. And up to your partner if he lets that get in the way of their relationship. I don’t see why he can’t just see her and his family without you sometimes (like that 17 person dinner he refused to attend without you), as long as he’s spending the important events with you.

To be very rude and a drama queen it would seem.

This is dreadful op

I would suggest that he keeps both sides of his life separate then u never have to see her again!

what a brat!

Drop the rope. Just leave her to it.

They aren't married so there hasn't been a wedding!

OP, I'd be very wary about marrying into this family, I forsee a lot of bullshittery in the future.

All you can do is focus on supporting your DP. You clearly have a lovely relationship, that he is protecting,. PPs say you don’t know her well, but he does and he has chosen to take a step back for a while. This is their issue and he has set his boundaries. I’m sorry this is happening to you both. It sounds very hurtful. Look after each other, live well and she may come around once she realises she won’t get her way. However, things won’t be the same. But maybe there will be a better balance.

I don’t think it’s about Botox and money and all the superficial stuff. I think she doesn’t like you and probably wouldn’t like any woman her dad was with so I’d work on that basis. If you want to stay with him, don’t expect this to change.

This won't change. We've been married for 30 years and his daughter treated me as if I was going to give her leprosy. I blocked her earlier this year and wish I had done it years ago.

I'm sorry I'm not really buying the narrative of the humble downtrodden older woman harshly judged but the rich younger woman. The whole tirade about how you're not into botox or Instagram leads me to believe that you look down on other women for living differently than you. I have a feeling that there is a whole lot more to the story that we don't know.

She doesn’t need to like you, and she shouldn’t have to put up with socialising with you, if she doesn’t want to. For whatever reason, she isn’t comfortable with her Dad’s new relationship. You can’t force families to blend.

That doesn’t mean she should lose touch with her Dad. Anymore than he should cut her off if she chooses a partner he doesn’t like.

You need to encourage him to see his DD without you. If he’s been turning down invitations because of loyalty to you, then that’s tragic for them all. He can be a good husband to you and a good Dad to his DD, without you being involved with each other.

If no one forces things, then over time people’s occasional tolerance of each other grows to being more comfortable and a closer relationship. Forcing it is counterproductive. You have to let things grow naturally.

How many of your kids are still living at home op? And how old are they?

They are adults with their own children and they frankly need to grow up. Your parents relationships are just none of your business when you’ve left home, unless of course it’s a dangerously abusive relationship and you’re concerned. We didn’t really need the massive back story, his daughter is just a dick. Up to you whether you continue the relationship, I personally couldn’t be arsed with Tamara dictating terms and conditions.

Are you significantly younger than DP? I just wondered if she saw you as a gold digger or if she’s worried you might have children?

Things are never perfect, and you can’t change her behaviour, only your reaction to it.

I don’t think you should contact her or do anything to be honest.

Most of your Op is all the ways you don’t like his daughter

Looking at it the other way round... say her dad, your DP, didn't like her husband, his son in law. How would he behave? Would he write ultimatums and refuse to see him entirely? Or would he grit his teeth and try and keep the relationship smooth in order to keep things easier with his DD and DGC?

She's entitled not to like you for whatever reason, but by going nuclear like this, she's just acting like an entitled madam. It doesn't sound like you all see each other that often anyway so would it really have killed her to suck it up and be polite on the odd social occasion?

This sounds like a power play to me. She still wants to be first on daddy's list. How old is she?

You’ve only met her three times in three years? You have quite a strong opinion of her if that is the case.
If your partner turned down a lunch with her and the family just because you weren’t invited then I’d hazard a guess that his children are feeling as if he’s actively chosen you over them. It doesn’t sound as if he’s doing much to build bridges from what you’ve said.

@Hellotochocolatecake your partner's daughter clearly has issues.

I think your partner needs to challenge her and get to the bottom of this because writing a manifesto against someone she hardly even knows is mentally unstable.

He should confront her and ask her what exactly the issue is. Perhaps her marriage is actually awful and she is jealous? Perhaps she thinks you are going to take all his money?

I'm not surprised your partner feels so disappointed to have his daughter turn out like this.

This in spades.
As for the pp saying she's making her partner choose. She's not she didn't know he'd been invited for a meal that excluded her because she wasn't told until after the event.
I also am a bit 🤔 about the daughter worrying about her inheritance. I'm sorry but if I'd been alone for 10 years and my adult kids were nasty bullying shits about my partner there would be no inheritance.
I can't believe pp are making excuses for this horrible daughter.
Ops partner has a right to a happy life even if Miss Social Media queen doesn't agree.

My mistake, I thought the op said DH. Other than the wedding bit I stand by thinking it’s strange to have only met 3 times though!

All this is your partner’s issue to fix. I agree it’s strange that your rooted dislike of this woman seems to come from only three meetings in three years and her Instagram.

Tbh, I’m not sure I’d want to marry into this, and I’d wonder about your partner’s parenting, if he was jointly responsible for rearing this horror.

Ive really encouraged my partner to stay in contact. It's broken his heart and he really doesn't deserve this. Sorry, i really vented as i am keeping it all inside so as not to cause anyone upset. I did talk to my step dad about it and it wasn't good.

I've over explained but in reality I'm a really quiet person. I'd much rather that we had just quietly realised we have differnet lifestyles, beliefs and thoughts, but just did what I guess others do, and jsut politely find common ground for the sake of peace. I think that's what other people do Im sure?

I have nice family i think that just sort of accept people but i know family aren't massively keen on one of the SIL's. No one is rude to her though.

I understand the suspicion that some posters have expressed... none of this makes sense to me either. It appeared to come out the blue.
There was no fall out. The first I heard of any huge issue was months after we last met up and she went to my partner in tears. I dont know what triggered it all as I hadnt had any contact with them.
Im not trying to be "all innocent" I genuienly feel totally blindsided.

To answer another question, I hadn't ever wanted to try to be friends. We both have busy lives and it would have been a bit weird to try and be too pally. I think my partner had tried to force this a bit so maybe this didnt help at all!

It would, i think, be totally normal for my partner to meet up with his kids without me. I do of course with my family.
The difference is that if a group plus partners are all meeting, ive been told i am not welcome, which seems rude and odd. She cant seem to verbalise what it is that makes me so awful that she has banned me from contact.

Ive never had anything like this happen to me and I dont even think ive gone through a bad friendhip breakup or any sort of row like this as an adult..so i apologise for sounding ridiculous. Maybe im a bit naive but i havent had blow outs like this since my own child hood when fsmily divorced.

I cant do anything about it but it's cut me off from a whole side of a family i haven't met which feels absolutely bizarre. Its isoalated my partner as its made him queastion his whole part in the family set up.
I spoke to my own step dad about it and he doesnt have any kind words to say about this as is concerned about how life will be for me over the next 20 years...I wanted to try and find some different views because tbh I dont want this bizarre hatred for me in the bqckground or demands for me to stay away.
Im not in their space. I work every day and have my own family. They have plenty of time to meet up without me and i never made a fuss about this nor invited myself along (meet ups were when i was at work anyway whixch politely worked out for us all)
She has the right not to like me and has the right not to want to see me etc

I just needed to vent a bit and I really thank you for listening.
I don't bring it up with my partner now at all..it just with being christmas became relevant again because of family meet ups.
Im ok keeping out the way but to be completely cut off from a very sociable and big family ( that i havent met) has been really awful.

The honest truth is that Im viewing my partner quite differently since this began as I get the feeling his kids get what they want without question and see him being walked over a lot and held to randsom is jsut u healthy.
I think she stamped her feet and expected her dad to dump me and when he didn't she has sort of ramped things up. She cant give a reason and cant pinpoint a discussion or anything Ive done. Its just a feeling she has. Whixh she has the right to.

Im not sure i want this in the background of mine and my kids life. Its a massive shame as my partner says he has waited his whole life to meet me and i honestly feel the same about him. Sorry if this annoys anyone but it's true. Its just a natural, kind relatiinship whixh his siblings and friends say nice things about. I think his daughter preffered him single and won't stop until he is.