Partner's children ignore me/ don't want to know myself or my children.

[Hellotochocolatecake]

Lovely partner of 3 years, engaged, bought house together. Really adore eachother! We are best friends and i know its cheesy but each of us tells the other how lucky we are to have met the other.

We both have kids from previous marriage. His are adults with own kids and marriages, and I have older teens.
Ive always worked full time and im a fairly quiet person with a very small family but a close bunch of friends from different cultural backgrounds, professions etc. I value kindess above anything else.

A while ago, It became very apparent that his adult kids look down on me. This isnt imagined, it's been voiced and demonstrated. His daughter seems to lead this view and told her dad that she had reported back to her brothers that I was really awful. She wants nothing to do with me at all...massive reaction and its because she thinks im not good enough for her dad. Im not very pretty, i dont go to spas or have botox. I certainly dont have a tan nor do i dance on instagram or show weekly montage of the kids on Instagram ( family cookery competitions, wall murals etx) i just dont have time....i guess maybe she thinks im frumpy and boring...who knows.

She is affluent through family money and although doesn't work is able to be very outwardly flash and quite condescending. She has had a stable home with extended family nearby, inherited a huge house with lots of land, appear healthy and happy and all are very lucky with life. Holidays galore, instagram updates showing weekend breaks, family holidays..lots of what appears to be quality time together as a family etc etc, affluence and abundance. Good for them...i am proud to work full time and haven't been abroad for 20 years but i like my life with simple stuff! I'm quiet and revel in time with my kids and quietly with friends. I hope it doesn't appear as though I am jealous...we are just massively different in values. I grew up with money(ill explain later) and hung around girls like her. It neither impresses nor startles me. Its just not who i wsnt to be.

I try to remind myself she is still relatively young and not very experienced with life? And maybe this is why she is so loud about her affluence? She has been massively lucky with health, family support, unending opportunites with money, land, building opportunities and never has to do anything alone. She is slim and beautfiul with a husband that bends to her will...it's quite something to see!
We are clearly very different but the common theme was love for her dad. I'm happy mixing with all sorts of people but she was snarly and "off"from the word go.
I've met her 3 times and each time she has been rapidly cycling between sickly sweet & massively spikey. It was a bit confusing but i gently let her lead the conversation. I could see she was struggling with her dad having a partner...digs about her prep for holidays, silly sort of childish comments about her mum...its always very "me me me" but i figured that was just her so didn't take offence. I must admit it was difficult trying to find common ground. She runs a village group and was massively rude about the poorer mums...she isnt someone I would spend a lot of time with but the world is made up of all sorts of people. I was happy to slowly work on common ground.

Her dad had been single for probably 10 years prior to me...i could see maybe this was difficult for her. I was worried she may feel pushed out, but
I work full time and i am busy with elderly family on saturdays.This leaves my partner every day, EVERY DAY AND SATURDAY to see his daughter and grandkids. Evenings too to be honest if he wanted...
I didnt know why, but the contact slowly stopped over the past year, almost halting about 4 months ago...
I did mention this a dozen times to him, suggesting they meet up (obv without me) and also suggested i cook sunday dinner to get to know eachother.

This fell flat and my partner was very quiet about the whole thing.....

Eventually he told me she had written a manifesto that stated she didnt trust me or feel safe in my presence, and that she had the right to keep herself "emotionally safe. " I'm not perfect but i think anyone would find this difficult to hear....
The absolute shocker was the statement about her "boundaries" and that it wasnt her job to make me feel "comfortable". I was so, so confused as have no idea where this came from. The paragraph concluded with how moving forward, she would have NO contact with me and that she was only prepared to see my partner alone. She hasn't met my children and doesn't want to. She stated that she neither wanted to be my friend nor have a relationship of any kind with me.

I would never have wanted to be her friend!, had no intention of trying to be a step mum...all these judgements on 3 meetings.... i was happy to quietly do what you do with families and quietly get along.
Im utterly mortified, hurt if im honest and absolutely aghast for my partner.
Up until this point he maintained that she was etherel...absolutely perfect in every way but this has blown his thouguts and beliefs about her and his parenting completley into the air. He isn't himself at all, doesnt see the grandkids as doesnt want contact with her. Its awful and undoubtably will be "my" fault in all her families eyes.
Ive asked my partner what i can do to fix it, i wondered about going up to the house with flowers to say we maybe got off on the wrong foot (i dont remember any issues other than some slightly odd snipes from her... but would absolutely listen to any concerns she has as maybe i did say something wrong?) i

The other week, it dawned on my partner ...that no one else in her side of the family, his son in law, the siblings or in laws have spoken to him either or tried to broach it at all. He was very very close to them, always baby sitting all the grandkids for the weekend to facilitate holidays, school runs, taking them swimming, dropping shopping off, meals out for 10 to 15 of them etc etc...a really thoughtful man...always running about for them..and now zilch. Its as though she has rallied to punish him for being with me.

Ironically....although ive had to fight for everything all my life....my background is actually very affluent and my dad is a multi millionaire.
When my parents divorced he still owned multiple properties (12 as well as th3 fsmily home) It was an odd set up but i left home v young..and i didnt benefit from love, stability, roots or any assistance. My mum trailed off with a new husband and my dad hid money cleverly...
My father doesn't believe in silver spoons in mouth and is a slightly eccentric recluse....and I accept this.

His money is his and for all i know, he might spend it all before he dies (which actually is HIS business)
I wonder if she would see me differently if she realised about the money...but this makes feel sick as firstly the money isnt mine...but also what sort of person judges on money like that?

I earn enough to cover our bills, i have lovely kids and thoughtful friends snd a partner I adore. I feel fulfilled but this issue with his kids has broken my heart.

Is there anything I can do to try to repair this? We are getting married next year and his daughter refuses to acknowledge it.
My partner won't discuss it other than to say that he lives in hope that she will "come round".
I have a terrible feeling that historically she gets everytjing she wants and will sabbotage the relationship/ marriage.
Im not sure what I can do..

They are adults, they have left home and have families of their own. They don’t have to have anything to do with you if they don’t want to but it would be nice if they were civilised at the small number of events in the future where you both find yourselves at. I think your DP is right, leave them alone and they might come round in the future.

If she's refusing to see you there's nothing you can do. Was there any information in the "manifesto" (letter?) about why she doesn't feel safe around you?

The money thing: maybe that is the problem - if she thinks you're skint then she may be worried that you are preying on her 10+ years single dad. Presumably after you marry this apparently wealthy chap your lifestyle will change quite a bit? Have you and your partner discussed what will be in his will?

Or it might just be that she feels you are replacing her mum and can't deal with it. I know it's been a long time but feelings aren't rational.

She sounds very extreme.

But remember the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

I'd be questioning why your DP was single for 10 years and what was going on during that time.

He may well have been happily single, but equally he may have had some shorter fraught relationships that's just really pissed his DC off.

Either way if they dislike you then there's nothing you can do except keep an eye on him, considering these are the DC he's raised.

You seem to be very sure that she looks down on you because she thinks you are poor.

how do you know this? From what you say you’ve only met her a few times.

His children are adults, I wouldn't worry about them, would be civil if at family event, or met them, however I wouldn't make any effort otherwise.

Sorry… I don’t have time to read this post…can someone summarize?

Just leave them to it.

If your OP is anything to go by, you're a bit over-involved. Leave it alone.

Goodness, her values and her attitude about money are mentioned alot, you know alot about her from only meeting her 3 times.
She's an adult, she doesn't have to like you. It's very obvious you don't like her, your flowery language tries to disguise it, but your dislike of her is there. Why can you not have a relationship with her dad and keep everything separate? You are both adults, act like it. And why has her dad stopped seeing her? Just because she doesn't like you? That's a shame.

Just chill, OP. You'll have the last laugh when you marry her dad.

Let it rest. Stop trying to win her over. Stop going on at your partner about it.

It doesn’t sound as though you like her any more than she likes you, so take your DP’s advice and step back and perhaps she will come around one day. His DC are adults, they don’t need to know your teenage DC, and as long as you can all be even superficially polite to each other when you have to meet at big events, you can just leave them to their relationship with their dad.

Unfortunately his daughter just doesn’t sound like a good person. Her behaviour, if your account is correct, is bizarre at best. i don’t blame you for now not really liking her. I dated a guy once whose sister randomly did this, and it was so uncomfortable for me. I just steered clear of her entirely.

Your partner has been put in a really awkward situation by her, which must be hugely upsetting for him. You are lucky to have each other. This is unfortunately his issue to navigate, but therapy may be worthwhile. Would the daughter be open to a therapy session with her dad?

Is your partner a lot older than you?
It sounds as though he is retired and you still work full time.
Why didn’t he make an effort to see his family? Did he just stop after receiving the letter?
His daughter sounds awful. If I were you I wouldn’t be making any effort at all with her. Leave her to it.

I would say leave them alone and hope they never 'come round'.

If you haven't time to read it why not just move on?
It was actually a very well written, articulate post.

If I were you I wouldn't want my children anywhere near here or the whole family.
Forget about her.
Your post is hugely about her.
She's ghastly.
He's raised a ghastly controlling woman.
This will NEVER resolve itself.

Move awayvand accept what you cannot change.
Put your children first.

I'm guessing she sees you as a gold digger and thinks your children will sponge off her dad. You clearly don't like her and she doesn't like you. It's up to your partner whether his relationship with you, or his grandkids is more important, only time will tell..

The whole thing is just horrible.
I wish we all just politely got on when we need to.
Wills are all sorted and have been for a while and this was to make sure that the kids werent worried about inheritance.

My partner and I have put in the same deposit on the house and will br splitting mortgge and bills....my standard of life hasn't changed at all since we got together. I earn a little more than him although do still suppport my children quite a bit as one is under 18 (and of course kids alwaya need stuff) so my outgoings are more of course.
.
I can stomach them not liking me...it's the huge reaction and the ultimatums that have gutted us both. Its ok not to like someone.
She won't say what is bothering her just that "she has the right to her feelings" which of course she does.

My partner is totally in the dark about why or how she thinks what she does, and has been cut off totally from he family and the grand kids.
All i know of her are the meetings where she has focussed on all the.money she has and all the holidays and family get togethers on social media (that ive quietly paused as it felt intrusive but i didnt want to remove her and look rude)

I don't have any dark skeletons or a background in anything dodgy or dishonest. I do nothing differently now than i did 3 years ago before i met him and money wise nothing has changed.

She was expecting my partner to go for a family meal (17 of them) but leave me out
He didnt tell me at the time but refused.

Its awful... Ive kept out the way and that is fine too. I dont want anyone feeling upset. Of course i would love to fix it if even for my partner's sake, but i dont see what I can do.

Is it as simple as she's worried about her inheritance which shows itself as antagonism toward you? You tried OP, its sad I don't agree with others about 'adult children' in a better world you'd have all got along and increased general familial happiness...sadly she's crushed this ...grieve that for a bit...then move on and build on your personal happiness. Congratulations to you both 🥂

It looked a bit like a novel…I’m amazed so many people had time to read and digest it. I thought most people on mumsnet were too busy running their kids to 72 afterschool clubs, making hand made birthday cakes, hosting baby showers, having their roots coloured or fighting with their step-siblings over inheritance!

She was expecting my partner to go for a family meal (17 of them) but leave me out. He didnt tell me at the time but refused.

So some of his isolation from his family is down to him. He made his choice, now they have made theirs.

You clearly don’t like his daughter. She clearly doesn’t like you. We’re only hearing your side but ultimately it doesn’t really matter. You’re both adults. You don’t have to like or even accept each other or have any contact at all. But your partner should consider making some effort at a compromise where he sees his daughter and grandchildren without you so he can maintain some sort of relationship for the sake of the DGC.

If you don't think it's a genuine post shouldn't you be reporting it rather than making comments like this on the thread?

Good on her for knowing her boundaries and enforcing them. I wouldn't want my dad's girlfriend trying to be buddy buddy with me either.

Lordy. A manifesto?
Your DP is being very brave here. He's called out her trying to isolate you and she's furious.
Maybe the two of you don't get on, not the end of the world but this is quite cruel of her.
Maybe she's threatened or jealous - maybe it's around money or attention. But this is perhaps the downside of her having been more indulged than most as a child.
All your DP can do is continue to offer her his love, but not capitulate to unreasonable demands and you should probably keep out of it.

Would it hugely upset you for your partner to go to a family meal without you?

If not, I would encourage him to go to stuff like that still and to continue seeing them. The last thing you want is for them to feel that he has chosen you over them.

Given the financials that you have outlined, I’d also make 100 percent sure that your children will inherit from you and that there is no possible scenario where his kids can end up with a large lump sum if you inherit from your dad.