Partner's children ignore me/ don't want to know myself or my children.

[Hellotochocolatecake]

Lovely partner of 3 years, engaged, bought house together. Really adore eachother! We are best friends and i know its cheesy but each of us tells the other how lucky we are to have met the other.

We both have kids from previous marriage. His are adults with own kids and marriages, and I have older teens.
Ive always worked full time and im a fairly quiet person with a very small family but a close bunch of friends from different cultural backgrounds, professions etc. I value kindess above anything else.

A while ago, It became very apparent that his adult kids look down on me. This isnt imagined, it's been voiced and demonstrated. His daughter seems to lead this view and told her dad that she had reported back to her brothers that I was really awful. She wants nothing to do with me at all...massive reaction and its because she thinks im not good enough for her dad. Im not very pretty, i dont go to spas or have botox. I certainly dont have a tan nor do i dance on instagram or show weekly montage of the kids on Instagram ( family cookery competitions, wall murals etx) i just dont have time....i guess maybe she thinks im frumpy and boring...who knows.

She is affluent through family money and although doesn't work is able to be very outwardly flash and quite condescending. She has had a stable home with extended family nearby, inherited a huge house with lots of land, appear healthy and happy and all are very lucky with life. Holidays galore, instagram updates showing weekend breaks, family holidays..lots of what appears to be quality time together as a family etc etc, affluence and abundance. Good for them...i am proud to work full time and haven't been abroad for 20 years but i like my life with simple stuff! I'm quiet and revel in time with my kids and quietly with friends. I hope it doesn't appear as though I am jealous...we are just massively different in values. I grew up with money(ill explain later) and hung around girls like her. It neither impresses nor startles me. Its just not who i wsnt to be.

I try to remind myself she is still relatively young and not very experienced with life? And maybe this is why she is so loud about her affluence? She has been massively lucky with health, family support, unending opportunites with money, land, building opportunities and never has to do anything alone. She is slim and beautfiul with a husband that bends to her will...it's quite something to see!
We are clearly very different but the common theme was love for her dad. I'm happy mixing with all sorts of people but she was snarly and "off"from the word go.
I've met her 3 times and each time she has been rapidly cycling between sickly sweet & massively spikey. It was a bit confusing but i gently let her lead the conversation. I could see she was struggling with her dad having a partner...digs about her prep for holidays, silly sort of childish comments about her mum...its always very "me me me" but i figured that was just her so didn't take offence. I must admit it was difficult trying to find common ground. She runs a village group and was massively rude about the poorer mums...she isnt someone I would spend a lot of time with but the world is made up of all sorts of people. I was happy to slowly work on common ground.

Her dad had been single for probably 10 years prior to me...i could see maybe this was difficult for her. I was worried she may feel pushed out, but
I work full time and i am busy with elderly family on saturdays.This leaves my partner every day, EVERY DAY AND SATURDAY to see his daughter and grandkids. Evenings too to be honest if he wanted...
I didnt know why, but the contact slowly stopped over the past year, almost halting about 4 months ago...
I did mention this a dozen times to him, suggesting they meet up (obv without me) and also suggested i cook sunday dinner to get to know eachother.

This fell flat and my partner was very quiet about the whole thing.....

Eventually he told me she had written a manifesto that stated she didnt trust me or feel safe in my presence, and that she had the right to keep herself "emotionally safe. " I'm not perfect but i think anyone would find this difficult to hear....
The absolute shocker was the statement about her "boundaries" and that it wasnt her job to make me feel "comfortable". I was so, so confused as have no idea where this came from. The paragraph concluded with how moving forward, she would have NO contact with me and that she was only prepared to see my partner alone. She hasn't met my children and doesn't want to. She stated that she neither wanted to be my friend nor have a relationship of any kind with me.

I would never have wanted to be her friend!, had no intention of trying to be a step mum...all these judgements on 3 meetings.... i was happy to quietly do what you do with families and quietly get along.
Im utterly mortified, hurt if im honest and absolutely aghast for my partner.
Up until this point he maintained that she was etherel...absolutely perfect in every way but this has blown his thouguts and beliefs about her and his parenting completley into the air. He isn't himself at all, doesnt see the grandkids as doesnt want contact with her. Its awful and undoubtably will be "my" fault in all her families eyes.
Ive asked my partner what i can do to fix it, i wondered about going up to the house with flowers to say we maybe got off on the wrong foot (i dont remember any issues other than some slightly odd snipes from her... but would absolutely listen to any concerns she has as maybe i did say something wrong?) i

The other week, it dawned on my partner ...that no one else in her side of the family, his son in law, the siblings or in laws have spoken to him either or tried to broach it at all. He was very very close to them, always baby sitting all the grandkids for the weekend to facilitate holidays, school runs, taking them swimming, dropping shopping off, meals out for 10 to 15 of them etc etc...a really thoughtful man...always running about for them..and now zilch. Its as though she has rallied to punish him for being with me.

Ironically....although ive had to fight for everything all my life....my background is actually very affluent and my dad is a multi millionaire.
When my parents divorced he still owned multiple properties (12 as well as th3 fsmily home) It was an odd set up but i left home v young..and i didnt benefit from love, stability, roots or any assistance. My mum trailed off with a new husband and my dad hid money cleverly...
My father doesn't believe in silver spoons in mouth and is a slightly eccentric recluse....and I accept this.

His money is his and for all i know, he might spend it all before he dies (which actually is HIS business)
I wonder if she would see me differently if she realised about the money...but this makes feel sick as firstly the money isnt mine...but also what sort of person judges on money like that?

I earn enough to cover our bills, i have lovely kids and thoughtful friends snd a partner I adore. I feel fulfilled but this issue with his kids has broken my heart.

Is there anything I can do to try to repair this? We are getting married next year and his daughter refuses to acknowledge it.
My partner won't discuss it other than to say that he lives in hope that she will "come round".
I have a terrible feeling that historically she gets everytjing she wants and will sabbotage the relationship/ marriage.
Im not sure what I can do..

Reading between the lines, is your partner older/ wealthier than you? Is there a difference in cultural background?

Also - and sorry if I missed it in your very long OP - did you have anything to do with your partner separating?

I would say - let it all be your partner's/ his kids problem. Dont get involved, unfollow and block her and everyone else from that side on Instagram. But make sure you are financially protected in case he dies, and be prepared for his kids trying to leave you with nothing.

You’ve said several times that you want to fix things, but there’s nothing for you to fix - that’s your DP’s job, if he wants it. He can ask his daughter to meet and talk about her letter so that she can explain what she actually means about needing boundaries because she feels unsafe around you, and dispel any inaccuracies she might have about you. He can meet with her and his grandchildren alone, as they’ll have done all the years he was single. He can make it clear that you and she don’t have to like each other, but if there’s an extended family dinner where partners are invited you’ll be attending as a couple and she can choose to sit several chairs down if she wants to. If your DP genuinely has no idea where all this is coming from (and being cynical, I suspect he knows / has been told more than he’s letting on but would rather stick his head in the sand or spare your feelings than tackle it) he’s being startlingly unproactive about addressing the complete disintegration of his relationship with a daughter he’s had a great relationship with before meeting you.

My ex’s dad married a woman in later life who neither he nor his siblings liked, and it was just quietly agreed that they maintained the same relationship with their dad as they had done while he was single, meeting him alone for a drink or lunch every couple of weeks or so, and exchanged pleasantries with his wife if they all had to meet at an extended family event. They were all adults with their own lives, they didn’t need to be a big happy family.

You’ve mentioned having a troubled family background and experiencing little love or support growing up, and maybe this manifests in behaviours which some people can find unnerving and uncomfortable, like overly investing in trying to make everyone like you, or over-involving yourself in the family, and a hyper-fixation on “fixing” everything. Only you know whether that’s a tendency you have. But you need to step back here, and put the responsibility on your DP.

My adult children don't like my partner, my daughter in particular. She can't really explain why, and I just accept her feelings. I never thought we would be a big happy family. Why would we, he's a stranger to them. They prefer their dad. I tend to go to family things without my partner or arrange things when he's away. He's not overly bothered and it's much less stressful. There was a period of time when I did try to create situations where they met but it was very awkward and I stopped. I suppose the difference is that my children are civil if they do see him. That may be the best you can hope for OP, but how you get there from the situation you are in now I'm not sure. Perhaps suggest he just arrange a meet up without you?

'I value kindness above all else'. Genuinely kind people don't say stuff like this, and they definitely don't follow it with several paragraphs negatively judging another person's lifestyle, whilst acting perplexed about the person's dislike of them.
If you love your fiance, and want what's best for him then encourage his relationship with his daughter. It doesn't have to include you. Don't make him feel bad about it as if he's fraternising with the enemy. It's his daughter, and if he is already saying things to you that put her down it's because he thinks you want to hear it.

Are you for real? OP is just trying to get along!
The hideous daughter has written a MANIFESTO declaring she won’t have anything to do with OP

You don’t like his daughter, and are scornful of her lifestyle and values. You have told yourself that you are wholesome and ‘live simply’ and whether you admit it or not, see yourself as superior to the daughter who you clearly view as shallow and vacuous . Similarly the daughter doesn’t like you- either she’s read your vibe or has another issue.
This is irrelevant. Your boyfriend doesn’t need to choose and can have a separate relationship with you and his kids. He needs to grow a pair and tell you when he wants to go out with his kids, instead of hiding it like the family dinner.
Dint try and fix this, but encourage your db to have some integrity and maintain a separate relationship with his own children

Honestly OP, I would be reconsidering this relationship. Or at the very least have a talk about the situation with your partner. Is he genuinely happy to not see his family ? Yes, his daughter is hideous, but will he be happy in 5 years to know he’s missed out on his grandchildren’s lives?

It sounds incredibly tough.

I wouldn’t be trying to do anything in your position, just stay out of her life and get on with yours. She sounds like a spoilt drama queen. If she can’t be polite to the person her dad loves and would rather cause all this upset for him then she’s incredibly selfish.

Im guessing this is why he has been single for 10 years.
His not so dd scared anyone off who may have been interested.
Id stay well clear and let dp deal with it. You cant change her or her entitlement

I don't think there's anything you can actively do to improve things. Anything you try will, I think, be twisted by the daughter who seems determined not to like you. She sounds vacuous & cruel and maybe you have, inadvertently, let her see that you think this. I'm not blaming you, I wouldn't be able to be in her company for 10 minutes and it would be obvious why. I couldn't hide how shallow I think she is.

The problem is, if you have let her know that you see through her facade, when most people either don't see through her or pretend they don't, then you will always be her No.1 Enemy with all the stupid drama that that label implies.

And there's nothing you can do about it.

I don't know what to suggest since it's so badly affecting your partner's family life. He thought she was ethereal, clearly bought into the goddess-like personality that she fakes. I guess he has a tremendously difficult decision to make. I'm sorry this is such a rotten situation.

A manifesto? Is she quite well??

Eh, there seems to be a lot going on here. She may have a superiority complex about her wealth and the display of it, but equally there are those that have a superiority complex based on how much they don’t care about money/botox/materialism, and end up making it their entire personality.

It’s hard to tell if she’s reacting to you being ‘poor’, or reacting to your attitude towards her (which does come through very clearly). Or if it’s vice versa, or a combination of both.

For whatever reason you clash. Just step back and leave her alone. Her relationship with her father is between them, it isn’t something you need to be involved with.

I don’t think there is anything you can do. This is between your DP and his DD. It sounds like she has given him an ultimatum and he has chosen you and it sounds like he will continue to prioritise you.
It sounds like you and your DP have a good relationship, focus on that. If he wants to mend his relationship with his daughter and that side of the family that is down to him. I would stop trying to meddle if I was you .

This is a sad situation. The daughter is clearly desperately Insecure about her dad's love which is why she's trying to shut OP out. And she's completely right to be - he's proved that by dropping her like a hot potato (and her children by the sound of things). He needs to make it clear that nothing has changed re inheritance and keep making a big effort to build bridges and see her without your and OP as pp have said you clearly dislike her. Try to see the wounded child beneath her bragging and insecurity and that might help. If her dad can show her unconditional love she may eventually come to accept you even if it takes years, but it all starts with him. You said you encouraged him to see her alone which is great but I would be explicit about things like the family party- that he really doesn't need to decline because you're not invited. Help him out of this loyalty tie so he can be the dad he was before

What were his previous relationships like prior to you? Or was he single all that time?

She sounds absolutely terrible. Hopefully she may change as she grows older.

The manifesto seems extreme. I have 2 older step sons and a ds who was 16 when I met their dad. Their mum had died some time before. The oldest openly told me to f off from the very beginning (yes that was the mildest of the swear words) and we've had no contact from him for 8 years now. The younger step son was living with us until recently, he's 30. He ignored me completely and I ignored him. He chose to make jealous comments about my ds and we just got on with life as if he was a lodger. He's now moved out. There are no grandkids. Your partner needs to sort out what relationship he's looking for from his own family. If they don't like you, won't accept you, then so be it, you're all adults, there will always be other people who don't get on for whatever reason. Ignore her 'manifesto' and carry on with your own life. Your partner gets to have the relationship with you and it's then entirely on him what he chooses to accept or refuse.

To invite all the family to a meal (presumably so she can share it on the ‘gram) and exclude you, is just a really awful thing to do. You’ll probably find that with a little digging, it’s not really about you but related to insecurities or jealousy or something. I’m really glad your partner is standing up to her though and declining to go to big family occasions if you’re not invited.

My only thought is that you could attempt to write your own letter and explain who you really are and that your partner misses seeing his grandkids. Explain you don’t need to be ‘friends’ but it would be good to have a civil relationship for the sake of your partner/her dad, who must be torn down the middle.

I have a friend who is in a similar position but her husband consistently gives in to the adult daughter. The daughter purposefully isolates her stepmother and refuses to speak to her. They’ve never had a cross word, it’s just that stepdaughter has always had dad all to herself and now doesn’t. My friend is now considering leaving as all this exclusion is incredibly painful and let’s face it, is really just bullying.

Sorry you’re going through this and ignore the regulars who turn up to threads like this, who just enjoy kicking someone who’s already down.

All i know of her are the meetings where she has focussed on all the.money she has and all the holidays and family get togethers on social media

This is nothing to do with money. I don’t think she doesn’t like you because she perceives that you are poor.

She talks about all her money, holidays and family get togethers and spreads it all out on SM because she has low self-esteem. She is insecure.

My guess would be that this insecurity stems from her parents divorcing when she was younger.

You coming along, stealing her daddy’s heart has triggered all those feelings of insecurity from 10 years ago and she is putting her dad in a position of choosing between you.

Personally, I don’t think there is anything you can do to fix this. The only person who could possibly try to fix this is your soon to be DH. I think he needs to tackle this head on. Reassure her that she is extremely important to him and that no woman will ever change that. But at the same time he deserves to be happy with a life partner and she should respect him enough to support his choices.

Hmm..10 years is a long time to be single prior to you. Could it be a bit of jealousy I wonder, that he's giving more of his attention to you and your kids and not enough to them/grandkids. Not your fault of course but you could be getting the backlash from that. Their mum would obviously have her own perspective also. This could be rubbing off on them. I think it's perfectly reasonable to put your own boundaries in place. Still give them Christmas cards/presents etc but you don't have to put up with bad behaviour either

I don't think you can do anything other than accept it. Making attempts to build a relationship is more likely to give her more ammunition. They're adults, your DP is free to be with who he likes, it sounds like he has made his choice to be with you. Maybe in time the family will accept it.

Why not? Don’t you think your DF should have any other relationships?

In one way its nice you have clarity. No hints about her feelings, she has made it clear.

Poor dad losing touch with his son, now winners in this story.

You don’t really have to do anything except don’t blame yourself! I would encourage your dp to have a separate relationship with his children if that’s what they want and you enjoy your relationship with him and (presumably) your children. Don’t get involved.
However they may push him to choose and then he has a decision to make.