Told to be a SAHM

[Thickasabrick89]

I'm a bit boggled by this but it could be older generation mentality.

I work 3 days but slightly longer days and paid accordingly (compressed).

Husband's sister is a full time mum to an 18 month old. She has spent the week recently with FIL (she lives abroad).

Husband and FIL spoke on the phone today and FIL said over Christmas you need to take a long, hard, look at your lifestyle choices and that we (I) should follow in SIL footsteps and also be a full time mum.

My daughter is 4 and will be starting school next September anyway. I love my job. Adore. Would have to leave my job kicking and screaming.

We can afford for me to not work but I think mentally I'd be miserable.

We are a bit boggled about the future of school pick ups and school holidays but I work flexibly and whilst it is a juggle we should be able to figure it out.

My belief is FIL and wife (MIL deceased) cba spending time with his granddaughter and would prefer me to be a SAHM so we would never ask for any sort of help in an emergency. This whole conversation started as my husband wanted to discuss FIL spending more time with his only grandchild in the UK in the new year as he barely makes any time for her.

Even last weekend when everyone in the house was sick from some bug and I vented in the family WhatsApp that I was just surviving while my husband's head was down the toilet and daughter bouncing off the walls as she had recovered and didn't we know it, his comment was 'time to be a mum'🙄. My parents came the next day and took her out for a few hours while we laid down in darkened rooms.

I'm not really expecting anything from him as he is proving to be a grump but at the same time I feel really triggered that someone is so keen to comment on my career!! FIL children aren't criticised so why am I!

Tell them back to take a good hard look at themselves and how long their noses are and how regressive their attitudes are

Just ignore him 😭

He sounds old and like someone who rambles to himself about wokeness

Fil is obviously in the wrong re being a SAHM. However, at the same time, your in-laws don’t owe you childcare.

Just do what you and DH want, OP. No one else has any idea what it is like to be you in your family.

Nah, we’re good thanks!

We kind of have the opposite. Everyone wants SIL to go back to work (including bil) but she won’t. I feel for her but in her position she’s causing financial issues that’s I believe are unfair (but I’d never say that out loud ever because it’s none of my business).

If you want to work or want to be a SAHP then that is a decision for you to make with your DH and nobody else.

Nobody owes you childcare and shouldn’t be put under pressure to think that they do.

Your fil does not get to dictate your choices.
Keep working. Dh can be sahp if he wants

It's none of your FIL's business how you choose to organise your life and how many hours you work.

Unless you expect him to pick up the slack, which wouldn't exist if you were a SAHM, which it sounds like you do.

In your example of being ill, I'm not sure why that would have been any different if you'd been a SAHM?

He’s in cuckoo land if he thinks being a SAHM is some kind of magic shield against illness!

I do think you’re unreasonable to try and influence someone who apparently isn’t terribly interested in his grandchild into visiting more. He’ll reap what he sows in terms of a relationship with his grandchild, but he’s also allowed to decide he’s not interested in being emergency care back up, especially for a probably still contagious child from a household where people have d&v. I wouldn’t involve anyone else in that situation and I think you’re unfair to expect him to want to help in that scenario.

You’re absolutely entitled to your career and your choices, but so is FIL - if your husband goes in criticising his grandparenting and life choices I think it’s fair enough he’s allowed to give an opinion back.

Where abroad does the sister live? I'm going to guess she's moved to her husbands home country and miserable not having family/friends around her, so doesnt like seeing you happy.

Both her and FIL should mind your own business.

What was your husbands response to his dad?

The 😂 emoji is your friend here. See also,

‘Do I look Amish?’
’The 1950s called. They want their attitudes back.’
And the ever popular, ‘Fuck no, Nigel. I’d go nuts. What would you have said if someone had told you to stop working so you could do housework? You’d have told them to feck off, wouldn’t you?’

…the words “fuck off” come to mind…that’s all you need to say really.

PT work is a perfect blend of both worlds.
Times have changed and being a SAHM can have long term financial and relationship implications.

I’d respond with a laugh emoji, ignore him, and continue living life on my own terms. And advise your husband to stand up to his dad. Your life choices are not up for discussion with him.

I would quite sharply say that it is your choice. What is right for one family is not right for all families.

'Time to be a mum' !!! Such a nasty comment! I hope your Dh had words with him.

How does your DH respond?

I would completely ignore him. Do you value his opinion at all? If no, then don't let it bother you in the slightest. Just get on with your life and let him think what he wants!

Not an older generation thing. A sexist man thing.

Ignore him.
I certainly wouldn't want to be around someone making "time to be a mum" remarks.
Tell your husband to take your daughter to visit as you don't need to be around that.
Likewise should he need help, tell your husband to crack on.

FIL obviously has an old fashioned attitude. However, a couple of things to bear in mind: firstly don't rely on him (or SIL) for childcare, it sounds like he could put it back on you anyway ("I told you working wouldn't work out... this is of your own making" etc). Secondly, stop venting in the family whatsapp group - it sounds like you are not coping and he is picking up on that. I would never have mentioned anything like that to my PILs and if FIL is a bit old-fashioned it just gives him ammunition and cements his view. Make sure you have emergency child care covered without him and SIL If this is his view I'd be far more considered before posting..

Opposite situation in my family. SIL is a SAHM (4 and 2 year old girls, she got made redundant when she went on second mat leave) and all she's getting from family is comments about being lazy, sponging off her husband. Poor woman has an old back injury which is playing up (unsurprising after 2 pregnancies) and my wonderful* dad said if she was working, she wouldn't have time to be ill.

*wonderful is used sarcastically here.

Horrible people will judge you harshly, especially if you're a woman and a mother, no matter what you do.

Exactly. It’s quite possible FIL took your husband’s remarks pretty much as a request for help with childcare, such as the school pick up. It’d be understandable, if not agreeable, were he to jib a bit and mention SAHMs if cornered.
Depends on the context in which that bit of discussion took place.

Perhaps he thinks your DH has too many responsibilities in this general area, and gawd knows we’ve witnessed a flood of posts here these past few days proving how extensive these hidebound attitudes still are among families in GB.

This whole conversation started as my husband wanted to discuss FIL spending more time with his only grandchild in the UK in the new year as he barely makes any time for her.

'Only grandchild in the UK'
'Barely makes any time for her'

Blimey, there's as much judgement here from you as there is from him about your parenting choices.

He has no right to tell you whether or not you should be a stay at home mum, just like you have no right to 'discuss' what he should or shouldn't be doing in the new year!!

Wise words, especially about that online group.