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AIBU?

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Original poster

Told to be a SAHM

88 replies

Thickasabrick89 · 04/12/2025 16:24

I'm a bit boggled by this but it could be older generation mentality.

I work 3 days but slightly longer days and paid accordingly (compressed).

Husband's sister is a full time mum to an 18 month old. She has spent the week recently with FIL (she lives abroad).

Husband and FIL spoke on the phone today and FIL said over Christmas you need to take a long, hard, look at your lifestyle choices and that we (I) should follow in SIL footsteps and also be a full time mum.

My daughter is 4 and will be starting school next September anyway. I love my job. Adore. Would have to leave my job kicking and screaming.

We can afford for me to not work but I think mentally I'd be miserable.

We are a bit boggled about the future of school pick ups and school holidays but I work flexibly and whilst it is a juggle we should be able to figure it out.

My belief is FIL and wife (MIL deceased) cba spending time with his granddaughter and would prefer me to be a SAHM so we would never ask for any sort of help in an emergency. This whole conversation started as my husband wanted to discuss FIL spending more time with his only grandchild in the UK in the new year as he barely makes any time for her.

Even last weekend when everyone in the house was sick from some bug and I vented in the family WhatsApp that I was just surviving while my husband's head was down the toilet and daughter bouncing off the walls as she had recovered and didn't we know it, his comment was 'time to be a mum'🙄. My parents came the next day and took her out for a few hours while we laid down in darkened rooms.

I'm not really expecting anything from him as he is proving to be a grump but at the same time I feel really triggered that someone is so keen to comment on my career!! FIL children aren't criticised so why am I!

OP posts:
youalright · 04/12/2025 17:57

CakeAndCoffee3pm · 04/12/2025 17:02

But agree, stop venting to family and asking FIL to help. You're doing yourself no favours there. People won't change or suddenly acquire empathy.

This, you are making it worse. I had a family member who could of afforded to stay home but chose to go back to work fulltime, which would of been fine but she only wanted ds in nursery 2 days a week so expected the rest of us to put our lives on hold to be available for babysitting duty

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 04/12/2025 17:59

Thickasabrick89 · 04/12/2025 17:55

To clarify.

We were not asking for childcare but we would love FIL to spend more time with his granddaughter whilst we are present, either at our house or his as she adores him. He didn't attend our daughter's birthday party (we had a family one on the Saturday) last weekend for reasons unknown.

We at no point have requested emergency childcare, although I was hoping for a sympathetic ear when myself and husband were ill. I was mistaken to think we were worthy of this. 'Time to be a mum' comment hurt my soul though.

Edit- the SAHM comment. I think he was preempting us potentially asking for a child care day during school holidays here and there although we have never actually asked. Of course it would be fabulous if he offered but I'm not holding my breath. FILs new wife will probably help her 'blood' grandchildren as the eldest also starts in September 2026. We have previously been informed that it's the grandmother that counts not the grandfather which is harsh because MIL is deceased!

Edited

Then surely all DH has to do is clarify you wouldn’t expect him to provide emergency childcare, since that’s your theory on why he said it?

Upstartled · 04/12/2025 17:59

How have they got this impression that they are going to be called upon to do childcare then?

Listen, your fil is a bit of an arsehole. And the thing about them is that you can't be so nice, or so unhappy that they lose the quality of being a bit of an arse, it's baked in. The more you expose how much of an arsehole he is, the more he'll deflect this on to you.

But, it sounds like you have capable, willing and kind parents - and that is gold. Your fil wants to be in the background and I think it will be better for you all if you just let him do that.

youalright · 04/12/2025 17:59

Thickasabrick89 · 04/12/2025 17:55

To clarify.

We were not asking for childcare but we would love FIL to spend more time with his granddaughter whilst we are present, either at our house or his as she adores him. He didn't attend our daughter's birthday party (we had a family one on the Saturday) last weekend for reasons unknown.

We at no point have requested emergency childcare, although I was hoping for a sympathetic ear when myself and husband were ill. I was mistaken to think we were worthy of this. 'Time to be a mum' comment hurt my soul though.

Edit- the SAHM comment. I think he was preempting us potentially asking for a child care day during school holidays here and there although we have never actually asked. Of course it would be fabulous if he offered but I'm not holding my breath. FILs new wife will probably help her 'blood' grandchildren as the eldest also starts in September 2026. We have previously been informed that it's the grandmother that counts not the grandfather which is harsh because MIL is deceased!

Edited

To be fair I wouldn't look after a child who is living with sick people

MidnightPatrol · 04/12/2025 17:59

A good friend of mine is a partner in a big four (ie big job) and she is constantly asked by people if she’s going to keep working or thinking about cutting back to be at home for the kids.

Some people just can’t see women’s role beyond as mothers and wives.

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 04/12/2025 18:25

Upstartled · 04/12/2025 17:04

I think if the catalyst for this was that you were trying to guilt him in to emergency child care back up so that you can do a job that is not necessary but which you love, then the solution is fairly obvious.

Yeah, paid childcare. Not giving up a career you love.

outerspacepotato · 04/12/2025 18:30

Your FIL is giving old man yells at clouds energy

I guess he misses the old days when women had to stay home and do their husband's bidding and all the childcare.

Tough. Times have changed and you can be a mother and have a career and he can suck on that.

That said, don't expect him to be around your kids much. He disapproves of your lifestyle choices. He's sure not a good fit for childcare.

RedToothBrush · 04/12/2025 18:31

This isn't an open discussion where they are asked to offer their opinion on what you should do.

Its none of their fucking business.

Do what works for you and ignore them. And if they persist you get your husband to tell them to shut the fuck up because it's none of their business.

SevenYellowHammers · 04/12/2025 18:33

Thickasabrick89 · 04/12/2025 16:24

I'm a bit boggled by this but it could be older generation mentality.

I work 3 days but slightly longer days and paid accordingly (compressed).

Husband's sister is a full time mum to an 18 month old. She has spent the week recently with FIL (she lives abroad).

Husband and FIL spoke on the phone today and FIL said over Christmas you need to take a long, hard, look at your lifestyle choices and that we (I) should follow in SIL footsteps and also be a full time mum.

My daughter is 4 and will be starting school next September anyway. I love my job. Adore. Would have to leave my job kicking and screaming.

We can afford for me to not work but I think mentally I'd be miserable.

We are a bit boggled about the future of school pick ups and school holidays but I work flexibly and whilst it is a juggle we should be able to figure it out.

My belief is FIL and wife (MIL deceased) cba spending time with his granddaughter and would prefer me to be a SAHM so we would never ask for any sort of help in an emergency. This whole conversation started as my husband wanted to discuss FIL spending more time with his only grandchild in the UK in the new year as he barely makes any time for her.

Even last weekend when everyone in the house was sick from some bug and I vented in the family WhatsApp that I was just surviving while my husband's head was down the toilet and daughter bouncing off the walls as she had recovered and didn't we know it, his comment was 'time to be a mum'🙄. My parents came the next day and took her out for a few hours while we laid down in darkened rooms.

I'm not really expecting anything from him as he is proving to be a grump but at the same time I feel really triggered that someone is so keen to comment on my career!! FIL children aren't criticised so why am I!

Has SIL become a tradwife?

Vaxtable · 04/12/2025 18:35

I would. Get your dh to speak to him and tell him he is only saying this on e

How he and you manage your lives is up to you, it’s not as simple as stopping work to be a sahm. That may work for xxx (sister) but doesn’t work for you and he is to stop discussing it now

then if it’s raised again just ignore

Fiftyandme · 04/12/2025 18:35

He’s an utter misogynistic twat.

MargaretThursday · 04/12/2025 18:36

Millytante · 04/12/2025 17:00

Exactly. It’s quite possible FIL took your husband’s remarks pretty much as a request for help with childcare, such as the school pick up. It’d be understandable, if not agreeable, were he to jib a bit and mention SAHMs if cornered.
Depends on the context in which that bit of discussion took place.

Perhaps he thinks your DH has too many responsibilities in this general area, and gawd knows we’ve witnessed a flood of posts here these past few days proving how extensive these hidebound attitudes still are among families in GB.

Show quote history

Yes, this is how it comes across to me.
Husband makes some pretty pointed remarks which come across as basically expecting ILs to do childcare.
ILs don't want to be used as childcare so say you need to look after your own child.
That makes a totally different picture.

And, come on, be honest. You just happened to, after 4 years of having a child, realise that you really want your ILs to spend more time with your dc when...
We are a bit boggled about the future of school pick ups and school holidays
Pull the other one. You're hoping to use them for free child care.

Original poster
Thickasabrick89 · 04/12/2025 18:37

SevenYellowHammers · 04/12/2025 18:33

Has SIL become a tradwife?

Show quote history

She's never actually worked really. She's always wanted to be a mother and housewife though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thickasabrick89 · 04/12/2025 18:46

MargaretThursday · 04/12/2025 18:36

Yes, this is how it comes across to me.
Husband makes some pretty pointed remarks which come across as basically expecting ILs to do childcare.
ILs don't want to be used as childcare so say you need to look after your own child.
That makes a totally different picture.

And, come on, be honest. You just happened to, after 4 years of having a child, realise that you really want your ILs to spend more time with your dc when...
We are a bit boggled about the future of school pick ups and school holidays
Pull the other one. You're hoping to use them for free child care.

Show quote history

Actually, my husband always said that he would be more inclined when she got older as he 'doesn't do babies' but likes children and was a good father growing up.

He sees her 4 times a year maybe. He lives an hour away (although looking to move 3 hours away potentially).

OP posts:
Keroppi · 04/12/2025 19:01

I think you just probably need to accept he's a sexist man who has moved onto his next family! Don't go out of your way for him, it's for DH to bring up as unfair etc in time.

Obviously don't go SAHM if you don't want to, I think you clearly know that.
If you have to ask for help in an emergency then do so, but also try and expand your village to include babysitters, friends with kids you can do mutual sitting for and your parents etc

It's a shame, I'm sorry, but he seems very clear on it! If I was DH I would be concerned re inheritance, xmas and sentimental items/photos from MIL but that's between him and FIL.

Lemonysnickety · 04/12/2025 19:02

For someone who brings very, very little to your life you are giving him a lot of leeway to triggering you. Shut off your expectations of him completely. Stop posting anything on the group chat hoping for a bit of deserved empathy and just give him very minimal input.

Sleetandice533 · 04/12/2025 19:38

Op don’t give your fil another thought. Honestly. He is not worth the head space.

I think it’s best to address these sorts of comments politely but very directly yourself the moment they emerge from your fil’s mouth or you read them in a text.

And your dh should absolutely be defending your (collective) choices too,

Fwiw I think your fil’s comments are rude, misogynistic and presumptuous and I say that as someone who errs on keeping the peace generally. However, I have learnt that if you don’t assert yourself at the time, the comments keep on coming and then resentment builds and sometimes one can react a bit too strongly,

“Thanks for your concern but I am/ we are very happy with our work life balance and childcare choices atm”

or

“Oh really (assertively) why do you say that? Please explain?” Put him on the spot then meet it with an equally firm response.

As for the “time to be a mum” comment which was breathtakingly rude, I think I would have been tempted to reply;

“I am already one thank you but perhaps you need to work on your manners or empathy skills?” (Or boundaries?)

Just deal with him very cheerily and confidently from now on. Don’t expect any sympathy bc he doesn’t have it in him. Balancing a career with parenting is tough though so just ignore him!

And I hope you are priming your dh to have a stern word in your défense too,

As a younger woman, I said a lot of things to my in-laws to appease them, and looking back as an older woman, I wish I had had the courage to be more politely but confidently assertive, And looking back I think they would have respected me more for it too.

You and your fil are both adults meeting on the same playing field . One is not subservient to the other. Mutual respect would be ideal. But unfortunately he hasn’t given one jot of care or thought as to whether (a) it’s his place to offer an opinion or not, (b) whether his opinion is correct or not or (c) whether his opinion would upset you or not.

In addition, implying that you are not stepping up to look after your child properly is plain rude and therefore imho a slightly rude reply in return is completely valid.

Tryingatleast · 04/12/2025 19:42

Are you sure your dh wasn’t moaning about all the juggling and they took it as you’re not coping? When I went back to work again mil (usually quite level headed) told dh not to be stupid, that I’d left for a reason. It pissed me off but she was right, we’ve been floundering two years now. I’d never leave work but I get people’s thought processes

NotrialNodeal · 04/12/2025 19:44

'Time to be a mum' is quite a statement. I would be interested in hearing his side of the story. I mean, maybe he's just a grumpy old man and it's not that deep. Still, two sides to every story ey.

Sleetandice533 · 04/12/2025 19:56

Keroppi · 04/12/2025 19:01

I think you just probably need to accept he's a sexist man who has moved onto his next family! Don't go out of your way for him, it's for DH to bring up as unfair etc in time.

Obviously don't go SAHM if you don't want to, I think you clearly know that.
If you have to ask for help in an emergency then do so, but also try and expand your village to include babysitters, friends with kids you can do mutual sitting for and your parents etc

It's a shame, I'm sorry, but he seems very clear on it! If I was DH I would be concerned re inheritance, xmas and sentimental items/photos from MIL but that's between him and FIL.

I think this is excellent advice. Build up a small group of local friends with dc in the same nursery or school - three is a good number - with dc who get on, Women who offer invitations for play dates and don’t just accept them without reciprocating! That’s the test!

And then you can all get to the point where you can offer one another emergency school run support or the odd emergency childcare session. The trick is to use only very sparingly and only when a total emergency.

Alternatively, pay an active grandmother type along your street to come and act as a mother’s help on a regular basis. Then when it’s an emergency your dc are already familiar with them.

Plus your parents of course!

Totally bypass the grumpy grandad. It’s his loss.

Sleetandice533 · 04/12/2025 19:56

5128gap · 04/12/2025 16:53

Not an older generation thing. A sexist man thing.

👏👏👏

Chazbots · 04/12/2025 20:06

Is he even that old?

His attitudes are that of a much older man, probably something you say to him as he seems to be persisting with the obnoxious comments.

ResusciAnnie · 04/12/2025 20:10

Husband's sister is a full time mum

Youre still a mum even when you’re at work OP.

I was a SAHM for 8 years and fucking loved it but if anyone ever told me I should ‘take a long hard look at my life and become and SAHM’ I would actually sign up to work more hours. Fuck him!

MowingMachine · 04/12/2025 20:12

Don't rely on your FIL in any way.

Don't "vent" on the group chat.

InterIgnis · 04/12/2025 20:15

Given that your venting came on the heels of your DH talking to him about spending time with your daughter, I wouldn’t be surprised if he, rightly or wrongly, believed your comments to be loaded and thus decided to snipe back at you.