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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Told to be a SAHM

88 replies

Thickasabrick89 · 04/12/2025 16:24

I'm a bit boggled by this but it could be older generation mentality.

I work 3 days but slightly longer days and paid accordingly (compressed).

Husband's sister is a full time mum to an 18 month old. She has spent the week recently with FIL (she lives abroad).

Husband and FIL spoke on the phone today and FIL said over Christmas you need to take a long, hard, look at your lifestyle choices and that we (I) should follow in SIL footsteps and also be a full time mum.

My daughter is 4 and will be starting school next September anyway. I love my job. Adore. Would have to leave my job kicking and screaming.

We can afford for me to not work but I think mentally I'd be miserable.

We are a bit boggled about the future of school pick ups and school holidays but I work flexibly and whilst it is a juggle we should be able to figure it out.

My belief is FIL and wife (MIL deceased) cba spending time with his granddaughter and would prefer me to be a SAHM so we would never ask for any sort of help in an emergency. This whole conversation started as my husband wanted to discuss FIL spending more time with his only grandchild in the UK in the new year as he barely makes any time for her.

Even last weekend when everyone in the house was sick from some bug and I vented in the family WhatsApp that I was just surviving while my husband's head was down the toilet and daughter bouncing off the walls as she had recovered and didn't we know it, his comment was 'time to be a mum'🙄. My parents came the next day and took her out for a few hours while we laid down in darkened rooms.

I'm not really expecting anything from him as he is proving to be a grump but at the same time I feel really triggered that someone is so keen to comment on my career!! FIL children aren't criticised so why am I!

OP posts:
chunkyBoo · 04/12/2025 17:02

WTAF - tell him the 1950’s need him back! You have a job you love, I imagine a pension and a life plan with your career, that’s not up for misogynistic debate - cheeky fucker

CakeAndCoffee3pm · 04/12/2025 17:02

But agree, stop venting to family and asking FIL to help. You're doing yourself no favours there. People won't change or suddenly acquire empathy.

Upstartled · 04/12/2025 17:04

I think if the catalyst for this was that you were trying to guilt him in to emergency child care back up so that you can do a job that is not necessary but which you love, then the solution is fairly obvious.

BillieWiper · 04/12/2025 17:05

I'd have messaged back 'what the fuck would you know about being a mum?'

He's a dickhead. Just totally ignore him. He has less than half a clue.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/12/2025 17:06

You’re definitely not U to continue with your job. Well done for finding a job you adore - that is the holy grail and something few people achieve (as opposed to merely likely or tolerating one’s job!)

FIL is clearly a twat to have said that, and also his comment about “time to be a Mum”. What about your husband? Did he have no words for his equally but no more unwell son re being a dad?

Poor MIL not having outlived him and never been free of a man like that.

You and your DH are a bit unreasonable to expect him to help out, even in an emergency . It’s not a GP job to do that unless they want to. It’s nice if they do, but no obligation.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/12/2025 17:07

Upstartled · 04/12/2025 17:04

I think if the catalyst for this was that you were trying to guilt him in to emergency child care back up so that you can do a job that is not necessary but which you love, then the solution is fairly obvious.

Additional paid childcare is the answer, yes?

Ritaskitchen · 04/12/2025 17:07

Id just ignore it. But I also think it’s not reasonable to have an expectation of Grandparents as childcare. Excepting occasional Babysitting/emergencies. Unless of course the GPs are super keen and want to do the childcare.

PersephoneParlormaid · 04/12/2025 17:09

I was a SAHM for a couple of years, but in the end I was going mental with boredom, and was glad to go back.

sundayvibeswig22 · 04/12/2025 17:09

What does your dh say?
tell FIL you’ve discussed it with DH and decided he’s going to be a SAHD

CinnamonBuns67 · 04/12/2025 17:12

Being A SAHP is a personal choice and nobody can make you if you don't want to especially your FIL, he doesn't even get a seat at the table of that discussion. You aren't entitled for him to do any childcare for you to though, not even in an emergency.

Shatteredallthetimelately · 04/12/2025 17:16

My DH's reply would have been "dear lord, no we'd never move abroad"

He'd probably let the SAHP bit slip and refuse point blank to engage as we both know that no one, not even family should ever offer unasked for advice when it comes to another person's relationship.

VioletandMauve · 04/12/2025 17:20

5128gap · 04/12/2025 16:53

Not an older generation thing. A sexist man thing.

Yes, this! Nothing to do with being from the 'older' generation, not everyone older thinks like him.

weisatted · 04/12/2025 17:22

Fwiw - school pick ups and holidays are really not that bad unless you are a typical mumsnetter and live very rurally where there is no childcare

Choose a school with wraparound (the majority of primaries), both compress hours so your DH does a pick up or two

Take some annual leave separately to cover school holidays

Find and book some holiday clubs / babysitter

Bitzee · 04/12/2025 17:22

They’re being really odd. Not only because what works for your immediate family is none of their bloody business but also given that your DD isn’t a baby and is almost school age. I think most people that stay home whilst the kids are little do look to go back once they start school, often part time, so pretty much the set up you have right now. But also in future don’t vent in the family group chat. They clearly don’t want to hear it and aren’t going to give you a sympathetic ear. And definitely don’t ever ask them for childcare and make school holiday, wrap around, emergency childcare arrangements that don’t involve them.

SheilaFentiman · 04/12/2025 17:28

Vent on here or to your friends, not in a chat group with this guy

KittyFinlay · 04/12/2025 17:32

Call him and say that on reflection, you've realised he's right and DD needs a stay at home parent, so your husband will now be quitting his job. Enjoy his reaction.

Upstartled · 04/12/2025 17:35

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/12/2025 17:07

Additional paid childcare is the answer, yes?

Show quote history

Yes, absolutely. And don't use emotional blackmail to obligate people into helping because they may use the same tactic to dodge it.

Coconutter24 · 04/12/2025 17:39

Why is he commenting on your circumstances? Was DH complaining to him or asking for help? That sort of comment wouldn’t usually come out of thin air

Fleetbug · 04/12/2025 17:42

“Time to be a mum” WTAF!

The barefaced rudeness and entitlement of a guy who clearly has permission from everyone in this family WhatsApp to be so incredibly rude to you .

No one challenged this? Not even your DH??

This is a DH job isn’t it. Why is he not gunning right back at his dad after this disgraceful remark?

Agree with PP that you should restrict the family WhatsApp to brief factual exchanges or even go off it.
To all who are saying this is a generational thing please really? My mum 89 worked all her life and lived at Greenham Common protest camp for 3 months! Wonder what your FIL would say about that!

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 04/12/2025 17:42

Would you have expected him to provide emergency childcare though? Maybe it’s his way of telling you he won’t be available for this, especially after DH spoke to him about seeing his DGC more. It’s nothing to do with him if you work or not, but he does not owe you childcare, emergency or otherwise, as PP have said.

I also wouldn’t expect anyone to help with childcare when there are sick bugs in the home.

SparkleSpriteDust · 04/12/2025 17:44

'This whole conversation started as my husband wanted to discuss FIL spending more time with his only grandchild in the UK in the new year as he barely makes any time for her.'

Easy to respond to: 'Time to be a grandfather.'

Pay him no heed whatsoever.

justpassmethemouse · 04/12/2025 17:47

SparkleSpriteDust · 04/12/2025 17:44

'This whole conversation started as my husband wanted to discuss FIL spending more time with his only grandchild in the UK in the new year as he barely makes any time for her.'

Easy to respond to: 'Time to be a grandfather.'

Pay him no heed whatsoever.

Exactly. I’ve read this as that GF doesn’t see even his GD socially, not that the dad was hounding him for childcare.

Upstartled · 04/12/2025 17:51

justpassmethemouse · 04/12/2025 17:47

Exactly. I’ve read this as that GF doesn’t see even his GD socially, not that the dad was hounding him for childcare.

Show quote history

The op says, her fil would prefer that she were a sahm so that they never need to ask for emergency childcare. Which suggest that they currently expect him to be emergency childcare?

Original poster
Thickasabrick89 · 04/12/2025 17:55

To clarify.

We were not asking for childcare but we would love FIL to spend more time with his granddaughter whilst we are present, either at our house or his as she adores him. He didn't attend our daughter's birthday party (we had a family one on the Saturday) last weekend for reasons unknown.

We at no point have requested emergency childcare, although I was hoping for a sympathetic ear when myself and husband were ill. I was mistaken to think we were worthy of this. 'Time to be a mum' comment hurt my soul though.

Edit- the SAHM comment. I think he was preempting us potentially asking for a child care day during school holidays here and there although we have never actually asked. Of course it would be fabulous if he offered but I'm not holding my breath. FILs new wife will probably help her 'blood' grandchildren as the eldest also starts in September 2026. We have previously been informed that it's the grandmother that counts not the grandfather which is harsh because MIL is deceased!

OP posts:
MincePudding · 04/12/2025 17:56

My parents came the next day and took her out for a few hours while we laid down in darkened rooms.

I would have posted that in the group chat 🤣

Why are you listening to him?

But if "asking him to spend more time with DGC" is code for asking for set support, I'd be inclined to think he's just pushing back the only way he knows how.

If DH isn't shutting it down with FIL then there is every chance he might agree and you need pretend that you think you both need to revise your hours to make sure DC gets fair time with both of you.

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