Told to be a SAHM

[Thickasabrick89]

I'm a bit boggled by this but it could be older generation mentality.

I work 3 days but slightly longer days and paid accordingly (compressed).

Husband's sister is a full time mum to an 18 month old. She has spent the week recently with FIL (she lives abroad).

Husband and FIL spoke on the phone today and FIL said over Christmas you need to take a long, hard, look at your lifestyle choices and that we (I) should follow in SIL footsteps and also be a full time mum.

My daughter is 4 and will be starting school next September anyway. I love my job. Adore. Would have to leave my job kicking and screaming.

We can afford for me to not work but I think mentally I'd be miserable.

We are a bit boggled about the future of school pick ups and school holidays but I work flexibly and whilst it is a juggle we should be able to figure it out.

My belief is FIL and wife (MIL deceased) cba spending time with his granddaughter and would prefer me to be a SAHM so we would never ask for any sort of help in an emergency. This whole conversation started as my husband wanted to discuss FIL spending more time with his only grandchild in the UK in the new year as he barely makes any time for her.

Even last weekend when everyone in the house was sick from some bug and I vented in the family WhatsApp that I was just surviving while my husband's head was down the toilet and daughter bouncing off the walls as she had recovered and didn't we know it, his comment was 'time to be a mum'🙄. My parents came the next day and took her out for a few hours while we laid down in darkened rooms.

I'm not really expecting anything from him as he is proving to be a grump but at the same time I feel really triggered that someone is so keen to comment on my career!! FIL children aren't criticised so why am I!

Four times a year is a reasonable number of times to see grandchildren, isn’t it?

As long as you aren’t asking for anything then it’s none of his business is it.

Whilst his comments are unpleasant it does sound as if the expectations of what people should be doing with their time cuts both ways, particularly with the oh gosh no idea how we are going to work out school drop offs and pick ups statement thrown in.

Time to stop sharing as much on the group whatsapp in fact I would probably stop posting on it at all, unless you get something positive from it. I would also have a read/listen to Mel Robbins Let Them. You aren’t going to change your FIL so time to stop trying and also make concrete childcare arrangements not involving him or wistfully hoping he might want to see his DGC and help out. He doesn’t so that’s that.

Cheeky old fool he should keep his snide remarks to himself.

My mum is 78 and worked full time. My Nan looked after me loads. Actually she was more like a mum to me because is this. I don’t think old fashioned is an excuse. He’s rude.

i’m not sure why you’re stressing over this as he’s clearly very out of touch. Yes not great of him at all that he won’t help in an emergency. I don’t agree with parents expecting grandparents to help with regular planned childcare though and can understand him saying what he did if he felt you/DH was trying to guilt trip him into that

This whole conversation started as my husband wanted to discuss FIL spending more time with his only grandchild in the UK in the new year as he barely makes any time for her.

If his comments about you being a SAHM came after your husband telling his dad he had to spend more time with your child, I get it. He is pissed off at being told what to do!

I actually have had these comments from men at my old work when I came back from mat leave. Shitty comments said when noone else was listening.
Anyway, FIL can jog on. I guess dont expect any help. We have two kids and my MIL is passed away and FIL has never even had the kids in his care for 5 minutes. When he comes he sits on the sofa and expects to be waited on too. And just generally is grumpy and entitled.
School pick ups and emergencies, you just learn to manage between you and find wrap around care and mum friends etc. You don't have to listen to FIL.

As someone whose mother (who would be 100 if still alive) worked, as did her female siblings, I hate this ‘older generation’ excuse. What is he, 70s? 80s? The generation of free love and drugs? Feminism was in vogue then and many mothers worked (around 30%, rising to 45 by 1980).
But there are always people who believe in the traditional family structure, even young people today. And your FIL should keep his thoughts to himself.

Your decision to keep working is fine - but your fil can also decide if he wants to provide childcare. You have nearly a year to make arrangements for wraparound or childminder

I think it will be best to keep your daughter away from such a man. Your FIL needs to take a long and good hard look at himself and become realistic about what is, and is not, his business.

I would not want him in the house anymore, after all these shitty comments he made. What a way to behave as a guest and towards his own DIL, too. He should be ashamed of himself.

When I was a SAHM, I took over the running of a Toddler Group because I wasn't sleeping at night. I also did a Master's for the same reason.

If your work can cope with you needing to pick up a sick child from school or fit in school events at ridiculous times then I think you'll be fine as you are. My only question would be how you plan to manage holidays. It's the trickiest part I found and I ended up working in education just so I could only work term time.

You just do you and if he says it again you reply do you think women should be tied to the kitchen sink like the olden days because if all women did this there would no female teachers, doctors nurses etc. that would be a horrible world to live in. You say I love my job but my dc will always be my priority.