AIBU to suddenly be questioning city living at 27? Or am I overthinking this?

[Banayama]

I’m 27 and have lived in a large city in North America for some years. British born, and lived here until 21. Recently moved back to the UK (last month!) as I got fed up of work/life balance and missed family. (I actually really love the UK and don’t see myself leaving again.)

I had initially agreed to rent with a friend in London and we’re about to start the process of looking. Thing is, last minute, I’m suddenly freaking out about it. I’ve had a lot of changes after moving, and I’m suddenly reconsidering everything I want.

After years of living around, I’m desperate for community and stability. I’m very social and love being around people. I assumed London was the best place. Whilst my extroverted nature will never change, I’m suddenly thinking about a garden, a dog, and all these things that I’d never get in London. I’m in a lucrative career, but it’s still going to be a squeeze in London financially. I’ll be paying around £1200 to share. Renting alone is possible but not pretty.

It also seems to be part of my age- I’m not exactly old at 27, but naturally I’m also thinking about the next stage of my life and what I actually want. I’ve done so much moving around, I want to live somewhere I can stay and love. I always assumed I wouldn’t have children, but recently that seems to have changed. The idea actually seems very normal/natural to me now, and I think I’ve changed my mind. I initially imagined my life as being child free in my 30s, 40s, 50s and felt that London would be the best place for that. Yet now I’m also dreaming of a slower life, and can picture myself quite happily having children because I’ve realised how much I love my family (after being abroad) and how I’d love to recreate that myself. I have the most wonderful, supportive mother who set such an amazing example and loved being a mother. I can see now parts of that in that myself.

And whilst that’s lovely and certainly nothing wrong with, it’s given my head a bit of a spin because I’m thinking if I did have children, realistically that would be in my early 30s. And I don’t want to rent in London for maybe, say, four/five years and rip it all up and start again when I want my own family.

I know this probably sounds way too into the future. Perhaps I’m overthinking this. But so much of my 20s has been spent moving, homesick, working, studying, drinking, partying, etc. I haven’t stopped. I’ve got some great stories, I’ve done so much. I’ve definitely set myself up well in my career. Outside of London, I’ll even be a in a position to buy on my own next year.

I don’t exactly want to move to the middle of nowhere. I’m still very social. The idea of not living in a major city terrifies me a bit (that might sound pathetic.) But at the same time, I’m exhausted, yet also in love with the city.

I feel like I’m at a crossroads because on one hand, I’m 27! On the other hand, I’ll be entering a new life stage in a few years, and that really isn’t that far. I’m stuck between carrying on as I was for a few more years or longer (never renting alone, no car, big city life, less work/life balance, less space, more hectic) or packing that in and picking a completely different way of life. Still social, but in a smaller city, buying somewhere, thinking more about the future.

Part of me is convinced I need to “make the most of what’s left in my 20s and live in London”, the other part of me wants to get a dog, have a garden, and an air fryer. Some part of this is compounded by the fact I suddenly want children when I was staunchly child free before, to be completely honest.

I’ve tried talking to my friends about it, but their general mindset is “move to London, have fun.” And whilst perfectly valid, I also feel slightly older mentally given I’ve been abroad for many years and some of them have only just moved out of their parents house. (No judgement there, I’ve just been forced to be independent by geography!)

So AIBU to suddenly being questioning living in the city? Am I completely overthinking this? Is this normal for your 20s, or compounded by the fact I’ve experienced a big bunch of changes recently? I’ve also just moved back as an adult for the first time in my life so I’m also kind of treating the UK like someone who has just moved here for the first time in terms of location.

If you don’t want to read it, that’s fine. I’m asking for advice. It is a lot to read, and I get that’s selfish! But also I’m trying to explain everything I’m feeling. I think that results in better advice. If anyone wants to put the time into that, that’s amazing and I appreciate it. If not, no hard feelings.

but TL:DR as well.

27F, British, just moved back to the UK after years in a big North American city. I had planned to rent in London with a friend, but now I am suddenly doubting everything. After so much moving around, I’m craving stability, community, outdoor space, maybe a dog, and even possibly kids one day, which all feel tougher to manage in London on my budget. I still love being social and love city life, but I’m also exhausted and finding myself wanting a slower pace and the option to buy a place (which I could actually afford outside London). I feel stuck between wanting to enjoy my late 20s in London and wanting to start building the life I can see myself wanting in my 30s. Not sure if I’m overthinking or if it is normal to question the big city plan after major life changes and coming back to the UK as an adult.

You don't need to be an arsehole. You could just not read it, and therefore leave the thread. You don't need to leave a comment like some fucking edgelord

I know it’s long but I’m not going to apologise for that when it’s an online forum. If you don’t want to read it, don’t read it. If you do read it and respond, then I will be grateful for the advice I receive. Simple as. :)

Seriously…why do you even bother to comment? I personally never got this reluctance of reading a long post, I’m happy to, because I like all the facts.
Being dismissive like this, just because you cannot be arsed to read it…it is beyond me.
Anyway, I am sorry, OP, I got sidetracked.
If I was you I absolutely would stay in London for the time being. I used to live in major cities, in the countryside now…I absolutely adored those couple of years still being young in a vibrant place with all the options and opportunities available. Think again when you hit 30-ish.

OP, if I were you, I would forget London and move to a place that is more within your budget, and that gives you the options to have a family in the future etc within that budget. I used to live in Manchester for a few years and when myself and my ex partner split, I couldn't even afford living there on my own with my son. So I moved back to my home town and it's so much cheaper and I'm so happy.

Move somewhere cheaper. Rent in London is extortionate, and I feel like you wouldn't have much money left to live the life you initially envisioned anyway. You can still enjoy your 20's in a different city. I'm the same age as you and thought I could only enjoy life in a bigger city. I'm so glad I was wrong!

Hi OP, don’t want to read and run but all I would say is time is on your side! I’m about four years older than you, living in London and life has a funny way of taking you into a different direction sometimes!

I was on an excellent career trajectory at your age then decided I wanted to do something different, got in and out of a major relationship and now single, renting and career changing in my early 30s! A little behind the schedule I originally had planned but that’s ok.

i think what I’m trying to say is: don’t mess up your plans just for the sake of adhering to a timeline. Yes we have a biological clock but these might end up being the greatest years yet!

Thank you!

I have loved living in the city! I’ve been living in a London commuter belt town for a couple of months since moving back and it’s been a nice break. I’ve got a car temporarily, my old friend’s live here, I’ve looked after my friend’s dog because where I’m living (alone!) has a garden. I love the city but London comes with sharing a house, giving up my car, less disposable income. Even things like dragging multiple bags of shopping home on the ‘subway’ haunt me haha. At the same time, I love everything the city has to offer. It’s a hard one!

Glad to hear you’re happy now. :)

I’d choose a smaller city, but still a city. Manchester is beautiful but all my friend’s up there have told me about the rising costs.

Unfortunately I'm not very well travelled so I can't recommend a particular city to you, so I can't give you a headstart on research (I know you weren't asking me to) 😅 But yes, I would still move to a city but a smaller one, like you said! Then you still have opportunities to live your life freely until you decide the right time to move on to the next step in life. And if you eventually decide that you don't want children (which is absolutely fine!) then you will still be able to live a comfortable life in the city you decided to move to.

Good luck, OP! It's all so hard to figure out, isn't it? But you've got this!

What city did you live in North America op, is it similar to London ?

Thank you! :) I appreciate the advice. Good on you for the career change. Besides, you have to try and find the career that makes you happy!

A lot of what I’m feeling is also exhaustion at the idea of my own plans. Life just sounds so much less stressful outside of London. Not seeing 50% of my salary going to rent for a tiny space, the difference in the mortgage calculations, etc. I’m also desperate for my own space. 😁

I’ve looked at Bristol, Brighton, Manchester, etc. All still big social hubs. But still not the mega city I’m used to!

New York mainly, and some brief time in Montreal. Not really similar, no. But I don’t think American cities compare well. London is the closest!

I have lived in London, but not as an adult. I know it well. I have a pretty good idea of what it’s like, the differences, positives and negatives. I’ve done budget comparisons, even down to the penny. Right now it really does come down to lifestyle differences and finances.

Ah yes nothing will
compare to New York ! Montréal is amazing too. I live outside of Toronto (much smaller than London) but in a Suburb - 45 minutes on the train … whenever I head into the city I love it , I wouldn’t want to live there but I’m much older than you , have kids a dog so prefer the larger space , yard . I can see the appeal , for young child free people though :) so if you enjoy it keep doing it you’re super young still - though I’d do the figures to make sure it stacks up financially no point living in a huge city with no spare cash to socialise. Plenty of time for suburb living with a garden and more space :) I would love to live in a city 20 year younger

You mention in your original post the friend you'd initially agreed to rent with in London. What do they think about you, as you put it ,"freaking out" about the prospect?
For what it's worth I would give it a go in the capital for at least a year - otherwise you'll always wonder whether maybe you should have.

I have a family member (just turned 45) who was brought up in the Home Counties. Moved to Manchester for a time after university but still wonders what it would have been like to live in the Big City.

A year's lease goes by pretty quickly but still gives you a fair amount of time to ponder a bit more about where you really want to be.

Good luck!

I’ve been to Toronto, also have had several enjoyable weekends there. I did find it ran a bit dryer than some cities of the same size eventually, but very friendly people and I love the little compact neighbourhoods. I have friends there also in similar circumstances to me. They joke it’s a city of condos and tech bros, but they love it all the same. Montreal was stunning, but also I was very homesick and it felt vaguely French, which is only one country over from England.

It’s not even cities I want to give up on, it’s big, big ones! Also the realisation that now I’m qualified in my career (after so many years), I’m seeing the advantages of finally reaping the financial rewards. Even with the London pay that’s higher, it feels almost soul destroying to stick myself back into roommates, etc., when I could have a pretty nice life in a smaller city in comparison. Seems great, but also I feel like I’d die without a tube/subway 😁

True! Good point. I could just try it for a year and see how it feels. Mostly I’m against that as I’ve moved around so much and moving each time means making local friends again, finding social activities and hobbies again, etc. I’m just exhausted from moving and the appeal of buying somewhere that’s mine is also very strong.

My friend is fully aware and understands. Her original plan was to find a roommate, it was more chance our timelines match up. Nothing is concrete, although obviously I’d give her plenty of notice if I backed out. She’s currently living with her parents anyway, so now timelines and she’s in no rush.

She also sees my point- she lives in Zone 6 and complains about the prices there as it is, but her career is in London and not very flexible

Agree with above poster , you should at least give it a go for a year and see how it’s pans out - you only regret what you don’t do, you’re already a seasoned traveller , city dweller , costs will be high of course but on par with New York surely so you won’t feel it too much ? If your an extrovert and social butterfly you won’t have a plan problem making friends , just don’t fall in love with it too much and maybe you’ll want to stay forever , and property prices are crazy

🇨🇦👍

OP, You're not going into this decision with your eyes shut.
True, you're 27, which is both the oldest you've ever been and the youngest you're going to be. In some ways you're still young and unattached and free and I can understand why the city life is enticing, but you are looking forward to the future and settling down with a garden and a pet and a little bit of property...

And the thing I appreciate is that you've lived both in New York City and Montreal, so you've definitely gotten a feel for larger cities and what's that's like. Cuz a lot of people are full of ideas, but they don't really know. But you know.

Is it possible to give it a go for a couple of years in the big city, if employment options are good for you there and you can make some money even though rent will be very high and you'll have to probably have a housemate, just to see what you think. That way you don't regret going to a smaller town and wondering what it would have been like in the city.

OP I left London in my mid-20s too.

I didn't want to live in a field but I chose a market town with a good community, enough going on and a train in to the closest city.

London had started to feel over crowded, aggressive and polluted. Suddenly I needed clean air and somewhere I didn't need to be constantly on my guard.

Priorities change. I think that's normal.

I'm much older than you, but I'm originally from London and have been in Canada for several years, although not in a big city. I understand that homesick feeling, and miss London and the UK hugely. I totally understand your idea of Montreal feeling closer to home because of the French aspect! I have thought about moving to Montreal because of that but the language issue would make it challenging for my field of work (not impossible but more difficult).

My plan is to move back to the UK in the next year or two. Having not lived in a large city for a while now I think that although I love the idea of living in London again it would a bit too much. And the idea of flatmates is an absolute no! I think a smaller city or a town that's commutable to a big city would be ideal for me, but you're still so young and living in London is great while you're late 20s/early 30s. I agree with PPs that if you love cities giving up the chance to live in London as an adult but still young is something you could regret.

I would suggest trying London for a year and then look at a commutable town (or even a village unless that's a bit too rural for you) if you're still craving more space, a dog and all those things. Or you could try living somewhere that's still a city but isn't quite the size of London or so frenetic so you get a mix of city life and also a bit more space, less stress and somewhere to maybe have children.

What's your field of work? That can make a big difference to where you live because of job availability. But from what you say it sounds like you're not tied to London for work, and if you qualified while in North America but your qualification is accepted in the UK it's not a location dependent field of work. These a great advantages.

If you could spend a year or two in London and then move to a smaller city or town without another move having a negative impact on your career that could be a good compromise.

Anyway, I hope everyone's posts have been helpful (at more helpful than the obnoxious first response!). Totally not the point of your post, but reading the news and doom scrolling I get anxious about the idea of moving back to the UK, and your post has really helped me as a homesick Brit to stop second guessing my desire to move home, so thank you OP! Whenever I visit the UK I feel at home and love it - it's good to remember it's not all gloom and doom :)

In your position, I'd find something to rent in London for six months and spend that time doing some research and visiting potential new cities to live in. Get an idea of how much mortgage you could afford, and the sort of homes you could get in your candidate locations. You could even go to stay for a few days in each, go to see those houses, and try going out to some local groups and things to get the vibe of the place. Then, when it comes to making the decision, it might feel less daunting as you'll have a better idea of what you're getting yourself into either way.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable or over thinking. I do think your friend who is expecting you to rent with her needs to know what you are thinking. She might be happy to go ahead with the possibility that it might be short term, but I think it should be up to her to decide that. Who knows she might be quietly pondering a life away from the city

I love London and I did it in my 20s however I did find it quite lonely. We have friends that have moved out towards St Albans and and most just to have a community and a decent commute to the city some fabulous satellite hounds around London that you can commute from . There are lots of groups around for you can borrow a dog for an afternoon to go for a walk. Parts of London are very beautiful and have a very strong community. I think you just need to find where will suit you.

I was bored of London by age 28, but I think that was to do with my career I was ready to start to put down roots by 30. Good luck in your choices it sounds very exciting