AIBU to suddenly be questioning city living at 27? Or am I overthinking this?

[Banayama]

I’m 27 and have lived in a large city in North America for some years. British born, and lived here until 21. Recently moved back to the UK (last month!) as I got fed up of work/life balance and missed family. (I actually really love the UK and don’t see myself leaving again.)

I had initially agreed to rent with a friend in London and we’re about to start the process of looking. Thing is, last minute, I’m suddenly freaking out about it. I’ve had a lot of changes after moving, and I’m suddenly reconsidering everything I want.

After years of living around, I’m desperate for community and stability. I’m very social and love being around people. I assumed London was the best place. Whilst my extroverted nature will never change, I’m suddenly thinking about a garden, a dog, and all these things that I’d never get in London. I’m in a lucrative career, but it’s still going to be a squeeze in London financially. I’ll be paying around £1200 to share. Renting alone is possible but not pretty.

It also seems to be part of my age- I’m not exactly old at 27, but naturally I’m also thinking about the next stage of my life and what I actually want. I’ve done so much moving around, I want to live somewhere I can stay and love. I always assumed I wouldn’t have children, but recently that seems to have changed. The idea actually seems very normal/natural to me now, and I think I’ve changed my mind. I initially imagined my life as being child free in my 30s, 40s, 50s and felt that London would be the best place for that. Yet now I’m also dreaming of a slower life, and can picture myself quite happily having children because I’ve realised how much I love my family (after being abroad) and how I’d love to recreate that myself. I have the most wonderful, supportive mother who set such an amazing example and loved being a mother. I can see now parts of that in that myself.

And whilst that’s lovely and certainly nothing wrong with, it’s given my head a bit of a spin because I’m thinking if I did have children, realistically that would be in my early 30s. And I don’t want to rent in London for maybe, say, four/five years and rip it all up and start again when I want my own family.

I know this probably sounds way too into the future. Perhaps I’m overthinking this. But so much of my 20s has been spent moving, homesick, working, studying, drinking, partying, etc. I haven’t stopped. I’ve got some great stories, I’ve done so much. I’ve definitely set myself up well in my career. Outside of London, I’ll even be a in a position to buy on my own next year.

I don’t exactly want to move to the middle of nowhere. I’m still very social. The idea of not living in a major city terrifies me a bit (that might sound pathetic.) But at the same time, I’m exhausted, yet also in love with the city.

I feel like I’m at a crossroads because on one hand, I’m 27! On the other hand, I’ll be entering a new life stage in a few years, and that really isn’t that far. I’m stuck between carrying on as I was for a few more years or longer (never renting alone, no car, big city life, less work/life balance, less space, more hectic) or packing that in and picking a completely different way of life. Still social, but in a smaller city, buying somewhere, thinking more about the future.

Part of me is convinced I need to “make the most of what’s left in my 20s and live in London”, the other part of me wants to get a dog, have a garden, and an air fryer. Some part of this is compounded by the fact I suddenly want children when I was staunchly child free before, to be completely honest.

I’ve tried talking to my friends about it, but their general mindset is “move to London, have fun.” And whilst perfectly valid, I also feel slightly older mentally given I’ve been abroad for many years and some of them have only just moved out of their parents house. (No judgement there, I’ve just been forced to be independent by geography!)

So AIBU to suddenly being questioning living in the city? Am I completely overthinking this? Is this normal for your 20s, or compounded by the fact I’ve experienced a big bunch of changes recently? I’ve also just moved back as an adult for the first time in my life so I’m also kind of treating the UK like someone who has just moved here for the first time in terms of location.

City life certainly has a sell by date. One minute you're the one partying, the next you're complaining about the party noise and, in my experience, you can't turn the clock back.

I spent my thirties in Bristol and really recommend it. Lots of stuff to do and a train hop to London if you want it. Equally you're on the beach or in open country within 30 minutes.

Follow your heart and be happy OP.

I love London but we're raising our family in a (commutable) village for all the reasons you mention. I have questions though, if you didn't move to London would you move to where your family are? Because tbh we moved to this village planning for a baby that took us 4 years to have, and in that time I didn't really develop any community or stability because I was commuting into London every day and the community I've developed is largely based around the toddler group/preschool/school. I would have felt really lonely living here alone without DH. Basically, if you're considering moving near your family where you've got a built in support network and community ready for the next stage of your life then go for it. Otherwise I'd probably go for London.

You are very specific about the good things in your life now (car, garden, friends, dog-sitting, ease of shopping), but are very vague about what you want from London; "everything the city has to offer".
Nail down exactly what you would be doing in the city if you lived there: theatres? night clubs? career opportunities?
Or would you mostly being going to work and then home again, not really taking advantage of the city?
It does sound like you have an image of yourself as a "city person" without knowing precisely why you (still) want to live in a city.

Things that are important:
Being close enough to old friends to keep up the relationships.
A proper career and earning enough to save money, after all housing and commuting costs, plus potential to really grow in your career over the next four decades, and have a decent pension at the end.

Things that are not important:
Your current car. You can always get another car later if you give up this one.
Shopping bags. You can always adapt shopping habits to circumstances.

You hit your lifestyle change dates independent of your actual age - if you don’t want to live in London, don’t

There is lots of to on London and lots of different things outside of London

if you are renting anyway and you realise you made a mistake somewhere you could change your mind - you aren’t committing for life

<y first thought is, 27 really isn't that young - I was a mother at that age. Living in a (tiny) house in the country.

I think OP if you are looking for a place to settle that is outside of London, you should not look to go to London now. Or - maybe stay a year in London but start actively looking at where you'd like to go to, if you really don't know where that would be. If you are thinking you know the area you'd look at, or would want to be near family, I'd start looking in those places.

My take is that the "only 27" thing is a myth. If you think you want kids, your best window is between now and 35. You could probably extend that up to about 40 with no issues. Past 40, it might be fine, but it also might not. If your fertility is on the low side, you could struggle.

But - you need to meet someone, who wants to live in a similar place and lifestyle to you, get married, and maybe you will get lucky and it will happen fast, but it could also take five years. Sot there is a significant chance you are looking at 35 to 40.

This will fly by, and 27 does not give you as much time as your friends seem to think.

If you meet someone in London, there is also a good chance they want to stay in London. If you are closer to the kind of place that will be reasonable to stay in, you will meet people who want to live in a place like that.

Lots of smaller places can be great to live, including smaller cities. I don't know if you have lived in London before, but most people I know who come there from elsewhere find it hard to meet people. YMMV with that, of course. But there are plenty of great smaller places.

You know OP, there is a certain point at which having a larger city doesn't really offer more. It's just bigger. You can only do so much at any one time. Sure, in London you might be able to choose from a nearly infinite number of theatre productions every night. But are you actually going to do that? Can you afford to?

Any city you go to will likely have theatres, lots of shops, places to eat out, parks, festivals, museums, travelling exhibits, cooking classes, outreach classes, historic sights.... and they may not have a tube but they will have public transport. And it may be better than London's.

The other thing about a smaller city is that it can be a heck of a lot easier to get out of it when you want, which gives you a whole host of other things to do.

If you have the cash, there will be nothing stopping you from taking a London break from time to time either. If you are housing poor however you may be pretty limited in your options.

I know people who think Leeds is a much better city than London.

You know it’s perfectly possible to live in London both without partying and without the noise of it?
London is a great city to be older in.

If you have literacy issues, maybe get some help with that. I read the OP very quickly and understood it as it was clearly written. How unhappy do you have to be to write a stupid comment like yours?

I Went to university in London. Lots of people moved out, but we and a handful of friends stayed here. No regrets at all. It is a fabulous place to bring up children, both whenyoung and when they are older and can commute independently using the excellent public transport. Now we are empty-nesters, my husband and I have rediscovered London through older eyes.

Obviously things are much harder financially for young people now. If you have fallen out of love with London, definitely consider other places. I never did, and would have been depressed living anywhere else.

Just rent for a while. It’s not forever! You can leave in a year. Even if you met some and fell pregnant very quickly, it’d still be almost a year before you’d need to find somewhere else.

I’m 28 and I live with my kids in a rural area not too far from a small city and I absolutely love it. When the time comes, I’m sure you will too. However, I don’t think you should rush off now because you want to have that life in a few years. You may risk moving away too soon and end up missing your friends and isolated in a new area! Maybe focus on enjoying the now and give yourself something like another two years before moving. Or even perhaps wait until you meet the right person to move with. Rural communities are lovely places to raise a family, but I got connected to the people in the community mostly through socialising around my babies (e.g. baby groups, the local school)! I think a lot of people in these areas tend to move away while young and then return to have their families in their 30s- I don’t see many people in their late 20s like me about the place at all and I don’t think it’s so great if you’re young and single. Good luck, op!

Not TLDR at all!

Commuter town, OP?

Or 1 year in London and then a commuter town and/or hybrid?

I’ve looked at Bristol, Brighton, Manchester, etc. All still big social hubs. But still not the mega city I’m used to!

DH lived in all those - though many years ago - he loved them all - London he liked as a funded post graduate student there and made a point of doing everything he could over time there. I think my favorite behind Manchester- where DH and I were students and met and then young married in late 20s after being other locations- would be sheffield though also one of the happiest times of my life.

We've always had pulls to a location - courses or job offers - so image anywhere would be overwhelming. I think you do have time - you could do 12 months in London renting but in that time work out what you actually want lifestyle wise and career wise and then start visisting and looking for that in a place more affordable.

I was kind of ‘forced’ out of London at 31 as I wanted to buy but couldn’t afford to buy there. I didn’t in fact settle in the first place I moved to but the second city… I’ve been there now for nearly 25 years and hope never to leave.

It would make sense to me if you let your friend down gently and go and rent somewhere you think could work for you, with a view to buying in a year or so. And just to say that there are other cities out there! I personally would say don’t get into a Hallmark movie fantasy (UK version) and move to a village - find a lively town or small city instead.

Listen to your instinct, because that is your subconscious doing the work for you.

Unless there’s some important factor that it doesn’t know about, which is unlikely given that you’re 27 and you sound very capable of knowing what your own life is about, then it will almost certainly be right when it tells you what you want and need to do.

Why don’t you just give it a year and see how you feel after then? You are young and have plenty of time ahead of you and even if you live in London now, it doesn’t mean you have to live there forever.

I know exactly what you mean! I moved to a city for uni and lived in cheaper parts of the outskirts for years and I was desperate to move properly into the centre. We finally did it and I very quickly realised I had now outgrown my city living phase. We ended up moving to a completely new city and buying a house in the suburbs, we can drive out one way and be in the countryside but we can also take public transport the other way into the city if we wanted an evening out/ some drinks (although this is rare now we've had a baby!)

Personally this is the perfect balance for us and we couldn't be happier and like you if you'd asked me 5 or 6 years ago I wasn't sure that children were on the cards for us. Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

We ended up moving to a completely new city and buying a house in the suburbs, we can drive out one way and be in the countryside but we can also take public transport the other way into the city if we wanted an evening out/ some drinks (although this is rare now we've had a baby!)

Since having kids that what we've managed to get that - walkable/public transport to center and other cities and coutryside other way - with few shops and ammentities - schools/gp/park in immediate area. We found it in two cities and one town - though didn't really like the town as much.

We had a rented luxury flat in city center when I was first pg and loved it - DH job moved and we went new city and to a house in surburbs which we also ended up loving. Had a few years there - Dh job move again and we ened up buying in yet another location having saved for years by then.

Think about what you want right now - do you want somewhere that's cheaper to live so you don't have to share? What could you afford to get on your own in places that would be sensible in terms of jobs? Where you choose to live now won't necessarily determine where you end up long term.
As someone who's settled down and has kids in London, living in the suburbs with small kids may not feel very much like 'hectic big city living', especially if you work from home! Different areas have their own local communities, if you're a parent especially you start getting more locally rooted and may not go into the centre that much. But there are opportunities to do that and I'm trying to take more advantage of living in London now mine are teens and more independent. I love the fact that it's so easy to hop on public transport everywhere. You do have to make compromises (for me it's having a flat with communal gardens for the kids to play in, and now I've got an allotment, rather than a postage-stamp sized private garden which is all you get in London).
Most of my friends who moved down to London after university stayed for a while but moved out when they started a family to somewhere where they could buy a bigger house / afford to buy at all. Also, you might want to move close to your family or your partner's family - family support can make a huge difference when you have young children.

Personally I would be wary of moving away and reducing your pool of people to meet, have relationships with and find the right one with whom to start a family.

IMO it’s harder to make friends in small more rural places.

I would focus on your career and building savings (because nothing gives you options like having some money in hand) and building a social network.

You have many years in which to settle down with a tree in the garden and a dog

And IMO dog ownership is a major constraint to a social life ( dog sitters for evenings out / lack of spontaneity / limited opportunities for weekends away etc etc.

I grew up in London, lived in big cities abroad in my 20s (Hong Kong, Shanghai) and came back to London at 29. DH and I did a year in London before deciding Hertfordshire was the way forward for us. We now live in a 4 bed house with a big garden, 5 minutes walk from a pub and a greenway, and would never have been able to afford similar in London (actually, we've been priced out of a few other cities in Hertfordshire already too).

DH is in London 3 days a week, I'm full time from home, we can go into London on a weekend whenever we want but we basically live in the countryside. There's a lovely community feel, we've built great friendships with people and we are very happy and feel settled here for life.

I grew up in a very cosmopolitan European capital and until my mid 20s I couldn’t think it was possible to like anything else . Then suddenly this realisation came over and I moved to the suburbs then eventually rural . As we grow often our needs and what’s important change . Just listen to yourself and do it

I would probably look at renting a bit further out of London so you are able to save 20% of your income. This could be important money for if you do have a chid, but naturally you will probably need to meet someone for the 'next stage' and that person could be in London? I absolutely love London but got married last year and we live an hour out of it now. We both commute a couple of times a week and enjoy coming back to our house and garden so I totally understand your predicament. I don't miss 'living' in London

This thread has been a fascinating read. I didn’t realise so many people feel they outgrew city life by as young as late 20s! My friends who left London did so for financial reasons, and take any opportunity to go into London to socialise, go shopping etc.

It reminds me of the thread where the OP convinced her city-loving husband to move from London to the suburbs in their early 30s and got pissy that he missed his old life and was socialising too much after work in London, as if it’s just natural to outgrow London life in your 30s. I didn’t even feel London could be fully appreciated until my 30s, when I was earning enough to actually make the most of it.

Anyway, shows how different we all are!