AIBU to suddenly be questioning city living at 27? Or am I overthinking this?

[Banayama]

I’m 27 and have lived in a large city in North America for some years. British born, and lived here until 21. Recently moved back to the UK (last month!) as I got fed up of work/life balance and missed family. (I actually really love the UK and don’t see myself leaving again.)

I had initially agreed to rent with a friend in London and we’re about to start the process of looking. Thing is, last minute, I’m suddenly freaking out about it. I’ve had a lot of changes after moving, and I’m suddenly reconsidering everything I want.

After years of living around, I’m desperate for community and stability. I’m very social and love being around people. I assumed London was the best place. Whilst my extroverted nature will never change, I’m suddenly thinking about a garden, a dog, and all these things that I’d never get in London. I’m in a lucrative career, but it’s still going to be a squeeze in London financially. I’ll be paying around £1200 to share. Renting alone is possible but not pretty.

It also seems to be part of my age- I’m not exactly old at 27, but naturally I’m also thinking about the next stage of my life and what I actually want. I’ve done so much moving around, I want to live somewhere I can stay and love. I always assumed I wouldn’t have children, but recently that seems to have changed. The idea actually seems very normal/natural to me now, and I think I’ve changed my mind. I initially imagined my life as being child free in my 30s, 40s, 50s and felt that London would be the best place for that. Yet now I’m also dreaming of a slower life, and can picture myself quite happily having children because I’ve realised how much I love my family (after being abroad) and how I’d love to recreate that myself. I have the most wonderful, supportive mother who set such an amazing example and loved being a mother. I can see now parts of that in that myself.

And whilst that’s lovely and certainly nothing wrong with, it’s given my head a bit of a spin because I’m thinking if I did have children, realistically that would be in my early 30s. And I don’t want to rent in London for maybe, say, four/five years and rip it all up and start again when I want my own family.

I know this probably sounds way too into the future. Perhaps I’m overthinking this. But so much of my 20s has been spent moving, homesick, working, studying, drinking, partying, etc. I haven’t stopped. I’ve got some great stories, I’ve done so much. I’ve definitely set myself up well in my career. Outside of London, I’ll even be a in a position to buy on my own next year.

I don’t exactly want to move to the middle of nowhere. I’m still very social. The idea of not living in a major city terrifies me a bit (that might sound pathetic.) But at the same time, I’m exhausted, yet also in love with the city.

I feel like I’m at a crossroads because on one hand, I’m 27! On the other hand, I’ll be entering a new life stage in a few years, and that really isn’t that far. I’m stuck between carrying on as I was for a few more years or longer (never renting alone, no car, big city life, less work/life balance, less space, more hectic) or packing that in and picking a completely different way of life. Still social, but in a smaller city, buying somewhere, thinking more about the future.

Part of me is convinced I need to “make the most of what’s left in my 20s and live in London”, the other part of me wants to get a dog, have a garden, and an air fryer. Some part of this is compounded by the fact I suddenly want children when I was staunchly child free before, to be completely honest.

I’ve tried talking to my friends about it, but their general mindset is “move to London, have fun.” And whilst perfectly valid, I also feel slightly older mentally given I’ve been abroad for many years and some of them have only just moved out of their parents house. (No judgement there, I’ve just been forced to be independent by geography!)

So AIBU to suddenly being questioning living in the city? Am I completely overthinking this? Is this normal for your 20s, or compounded by the fact I’ve experienced a big bunch of changes recently? I’ve also just moved back as an adult for the first time in my life so I’m also kind of treating the UK like someone who has just moved here for the first time in terms of location.

I moved to a small, affordable city when I was just a couple of years younger than you and absolutely recommend it rather than London, unless you’re a very high earner (I wasn’t). I still did everything people do in their 20s - pubs and clubs, gigs, making new friends, doing hobbies, travelling. And actually had money to do it as it wasn’t all being swallowed up by extortionate housing costs. Met my now DH and bought our first home at 27.
I can’t think of anything worse than renting/ house sharing into my 30s. We’re now late 30s/40 and at the stage where we’re buying the big house and trying for a second child. It feels like the right time for that and if we’d faffed around in London house shares it would’ve taken us way longer to get to this position and it might’ve been too late. Time goes fast and you never know what issues you might have, we lost several years to fertility problems and losses, for example.
So if you want kids, especially more than one, then I’d crack on and start setting up a life that can accommodate that.
We’re still living in the same city now. Is it as exciting and cool as London/other major cities? No, but we can afford a nice lifestyle with disposable income and savings, and there’s still plenty going on, we’re never bored.

Good gravy! I moved INTO London when my kids went to uni in my late 40’s. Been here almost a decade, made loads of friends, taken up loads of hobbies. Lead a really vibrant and interesting life

It’s quite possible to raise children in an apartment though. I think the emphasis on owning a house (a UK thing?) makes people think they can’t afford London and they miss out on living somewhere fantastic and a great place to raise children (of course if they hate London and couldn’t wait to get out, that’s another story!)

@Crushed23It’s possible but we couldn’t even have afforded an apartment in London. So it depends on the OPs income, but she does say she’d need to go back to house sharing, so buying an apartment would probably be off the cards.
Personally I wouldn’t want to be renting with kids, no stability - you never know when your landlord will decide to put the rent up or sell up.

Not many people can afford to buy a property just after moving to London at 27. But it’s certainly possible to get on the property ladder in London, especially if OP teams up with a partner. 2-bed apartments in my old pocket of Zone 3 start at ~£350k, so a couple earning the average London salary of £45k each could very easily afford a mortgage to buy a property like that. Granted there would be no garden, but there is a huge park nearby and plenty of activities for kids (not to mention free public transport). Good state schools too (I don’t have kids but the estate agent banged on about that when I was buying!)

A few people have asked what I actually like about living in a big city. It’s friends nearby, public transport, endless things to do, museums, architecture, meeting new people. I loved wandering around by myself and even taking the subway to random stations on Saturday mornings just to explore.

Cons are obvious: expensive, no car, less money for travel, landlords selling, moving constantly, the occasional unpleasant encounter, and safety issues like the attempted mugging.

If it offers any insight, long term I think I would have chosen Montreal over New York if I had not been so homesick and if I spoke French. It was the perfect mix of city energy and beautiful architecture, while still feeling relatively affordable.

Ironically, I think my happiest stint was the smaller city, Montreal. My days were a mix of walking to work, grabbing something on my lunch break, heading home on foot, then going out again. I joined clubs, saw friends for wine nights, and felt like I had a community. I fostered a dog and could pop home at lunch to let him out. Some days I worked from home with him curled up beside me. I could afford a dog walker or sitter. That rhythm is what I want to recreate, and I realise how little I know about the rest of England outside London.

New York was full on, all the time. I worked until 1 a.m. some nights. I am not that person anymore. My ex was a workaholic and part of the breakup was realising that while I want disposable income, I am not interested in the constant chase for more. I neglected the part of me that loves the outdoors, walking, hiking, horse riding. I got pulled into the materialistic side of things.

London is amazing, and of course people live there happily into their 30s, 40s and 50s. But money shapes your quality of life. Most of my 26 to 30 year old friends pay more than a thousand for a room, move constantly, or have no guarantee they can stay where they are. Subletting, housemate issues, the usual. I also no longer have the luxury of splitting rent with a partner.

I think I would like to stay single for a while and figure things out. I do not want to bring someone else into my life when everything has changed so recently. Maybe in a year I will feel ready, unless I meet someone naturally.

I also do not want to live in the middle of nowhere. I still want a city, just maybe Bristol, Brighton, Cardiff. My family are in a commuter town outside West London and I can reach London in under an hour. Even Guildford feels a bit too small for me.

I also realise it’s perfectly possible to rent in London and have a family! Children can be brought up in apartments of course! It’s the way of life for many in North American cities, and ownership is much less normalised.

For me it’s about having something that’s mine. We had money issues growing up, moved around a lot and I’ve done the same for most of my adult life. I’ve had so many issues with landlords, changing goal posts, etc. I want something that’s mine (and the banks!)

A lot of it for me comes down to stability/security. Being abroad for years is very weird because you end up with this sense of purgatory. Every friend you make, every person you make, is underlined by this weird sense of impermanence. I always knew I’d never want to stay abroad forever, so for me the idea of being able to stay in one place and know I’m staying there is pure luxury. Even dating someone without the whole “where will we end up?” sounds like heaven. It was an active choice I made and was wonderful for personal development and experience, but it was also like creating a great life with no foundation. That’s why I’m so weary of moving around!

If you aren't sure where you would like to live, renting somewhere central with a friend might give you chance to explore areas to help you decide? You could then do weekend trips away to explore some of your options and see where feels right.

There's also a number of smaller cities which are easily commutable to London, so that could give you the best of both worlds? Brighton is one, or many other options closer.

One caution I'd give about settling on a location too soon is that you never know what will happen and who you will meet. You have mentioned starting a family, if you are hoping to meet a partner, they may have a location they are settled on? Somewhere with their family closer, which may be appealing if yours are a long way away. Keeping your options open for another year or two whilst you take some more time to think about it isn't a bad thing.

However, also go with your gut. If you've read the answers suggesting you start in London, and something isn't feeling right and its making you realise you really don't actually want to live there, don't! Sometimes other people making suggestions can help you realise what you really don't want to do.

Best of luck :) The worlds your oyster!

@Crushed23”Not many people can afford to buy a property just after moving to London at 27”

Yeah that’s my point, at 27 I already wanted a place of my own, and that wasn’t going to happen in London. Two people on £45k would struggle to afford a £350k flat, assuming a 10% deposit, as well as their other living costs in London. And the deposit would need to be at least £35k, how long would that take someone on an average salary to save up, while also paying rent…unless they have significant parental help.

@BanayamaI know what you mean about the sense of purgatory, I’ve moved around and lived abroad too, and had the same thoughts in my mid 20s. Why don’t you spend some time researching different cities, go for a visit, see what jobs are available, what the cost of living is, and calculate whether you’ll be able to buy there, if not now then in a few years? Then take a chance and pick one.

If you read my previous post, I talked about moving to a small-ish city. There I had the exact same life as what you describe in Montreal (except now I have a kid so it’s more staying in and less wine nights).

Your explanations make perfect sense - good for you for being so thoughtful about what you want.

Interesting to hear someone else in my position felt the same! Most of my friend’s haven’t lived abroad, definitely not for extensive periods. It’s made me much more proactive about what I want. I actually know!

What was your previous post? Would you mind linking it? I’m not sure how to find a user’s post history. :) Would love to read that, and also I’d love to know the city if you’re happy to share.

@BanayamaThis was my post. I’ve lived in 4 different countries and I’m actually not from the UK but my husband is and our child was born here. This helps me feel like our family is rooted and means DD has a relationship with extended family who don’t live too far away, which was important to me. So that’s something else to consider if you value stability and a sense of belonging, which it sounds like you do.
I’m not sure you’d like my city - it’s in Scotland which will probably be too remote for you if you’re looking around London. But any city in Scotland is great to live in, I recommend it!

It takes time to save for a deposit, of course, but I don’t see why saving £17.5k each over, say, 3 years isn’t manageable. Quick maths, this is ~£450/month plus interest, not at all unreasonable for someone taking home ~£3k a month with no dependents and who is splitting housing costs with a partner.

I think people write off London as “too expensive”, but it is really not as out of reach as people make out, as long as one is okay with living in an apartment over a house. (This is for people who love London, obviously some people can’t wait to get out.)

Did you know that your brain is not fully formed until age 27? This is a great video that explains this
it was sent to me by my DDs psychotherapist. My DD is seventeen and at college in London and she’s already over city living 😂 London is a really hard city to live in right now. I left in 2016 and I couldn’t live there anymore. It’s stressful just leaving the house!

Gosh. You're 27 and you don't want to live in London?

I know this reply might be a bit out there, but you could - not live in London?

Go to London if you want to date and meet someone. At 27 you’ve got years later when you can move to the home counties for the quieter life you're seeking.

Move to London to live with your friend for now and vow to visit other cities in England like Bristol, Birmingham, Leeds. Manchester and York over the next year or two.

Leeds is only a couple of hours away on the train and a pretty great place to live with big city opportunities and amenities, far more affordable and also countryside on the doorstep, 4 national parks under an hour away.

Its also near to York, Wakefield and Saltaire. York for the history, Saltaire is a world heritage and Wakefield is one of the most influential places for sculpture in the UK. Barbara Hepworth, David Hockney and and Henry Moore are prominent local artists. There's always loads going on here.

However, unless you will be able to WFH and/or use daycare, you'll struggle with a dog wherever you live.

I would start to put down roots where you see your long term future . I did the London career stint between the ages of 25 to 42 and the initial city living euphoria wears off quickly . London was the loneliest place I lived and had I not had a full on busy career I’d have left years sooner . I moved out to a small town and live in a village on the outskirts now and have a full social life and my dogs who have acres of space walk and play . No regrets . London is a right of passage that people move through until the realisation is that there is a better quality of life away from it . Don’t get me wrong I go back to meet friends , theatre , Xmas shopping etc but it’s nice to come home .

I lived in London for several years in my early 20s. Fantastic. Wouldn't now, the prices are stupid and it doesn't feel like a real city any more, just a huge touristy melting pot full of people who freak out if somebody says hello to them. What amenities etc do you want, what do you enjoy doing? Loads of other cities you could move to, put your must-haves on here and people will recommend places. What is your occupation, obviously that is a consideration too. Maybe elsewhere you could buy sooner. Paying over £1200 in rent every month that could be going into your own property seems wasteful if there is an alternative.

Have you looked at prices in Brighton and Bristol? They’re not that much cheaper than London, especially the former. Bristol has a ton of new build housing which may be more affordable but it’s very suburban and might not give you the city vibes you’re after.

If you want kids, I expect you'll want to find someone to have them with. Another thing to consider.

It's a good time of life to start working out what you want and how to get there.

From reading your posts, you sound half-hearted about London and more drawn to elsewhere, and change. What we find exciting changes as we get older, too.

Good luck, and bon courage!

So much nonsense is written about london. It is a big, bustling thriving city with all the same kinds of pros and cons as somewhere like new york. Given it has the highest longevity in the uk, i would say lots of people are living full and satisfying lives there.