AIBU to suddenly be questioning city living at 27? Or am I overthinking this?

[Banayama]

I’m 27 and have lived in a large city in North America for some years. British born, and lived here until 21. Recently moved back to the UK (last month!) as I got fed up of work/life balance and missed family. (I actually really love the UK and don’t see myself leaving again.)

I had initially agreed to rent with a friend in London and we’re about to start the process of looking. Thing is, last minute, I’m suddenly freaking out about it. I’ve had a lot of changes after moving, and I’m suddenly reconsidering everything I want.

After years of living around, I’m desperate for community and stability. I’m very social and love being around people. I assumed London was the best place. Whilst my extroverted nature will never change, I’m suddenly thinking about a garden, a dog, and all these things that I’d never get in London. I’m in a lucrative career, but it’s still going to be a squeeze in London financially. I’ll be paying around £1200 to share. Renting alone is possible but not pretty.

It also seems to be part of my age- I’m not exactly old at 27, but naturally I’m also thinking about the next stage of my life and what I actually want. I’ve done so much moving around, I want to live somewhere I can stay and love. I always assumed I wouldn’t have children, but recently that seems to have changed. The idea actually seems very normal/natural to me now, and I think I’ve changed my mind. I initially imagined my life as being child free in my 30s, 40s, 50s and felt that London would be the best place for that. Yet now I’m also dreaming of a slower life, and can picture myself quite happily having children because I’ve realised how much I love my family (after being abroad) and how I’d love to recreate that myself. I have the most wonderful, supportive mother who set such an amazing example and loved being a mother. I can see now parts of that in that myself.

And whilst that’s lovely and certainly nothing wrong with, it’s given my head a bit of a spin because I’m thinking if I did have children, realistically that would be in my early 30s. And I don’t want to rent in London for maybe, say, four/five years and rip it all up and start again when I want my own family.

I know this probably sounds way too into the future. Perhaps I’m overthinking this. But so much of my 20s has been spent moving, homesick, working, studying, drinking, partying, etc. I haven’t stopped. I’ve got some great stories, I’ve done so much. I’ve definitely set myself up well in my career. Outside of London, I’ll even be a in a position to buy on my own next year.

I don’t exactly want to move to the middle of nowhere. I’m still very social. The idea of not living in a major city terrifies me a bit (that might sound pathetic.) But at the same time, I’m exhausted, yet also in love with the city.

I feel like I’m at a crossroads because on one hand, I’m 27! On the other hand, I’ll be entering a new life stage in a few years, and that really isn’t that far. I’m stuck between carrying on as I was for a few more years or longer (never renting alone, no car, big city life, less work/life balance, less space, more hectic) or packing that in and picking a completely different way of life. Still social, but in a smaller city, buying somewhere, thinking more about the future.

Part of me is convinced I need to “make the most of what’s left in my 20s and live in London”, the other part of me wants to get a dog, have a garden, and an air fryer. Some part of this is compounded by the fact I suddenly want children when I was staunchly child free before, to be completely honest.

I’ve tried talking to my friends about it, but their general mindset is “move to London, have fun.” And whilst perfectly valid, I also feel slightly older mentally given I’ve been abroad for many years and some of them have only just moved out of their parents house. (No judgement there, I’ve just been forced to be independent by geography!)

So AIBU to suddenly being questioning living in the city? Am I completely overthinking this? Is this normal for your 20s, or compounded by the fact I’ve experienced a big bunch of changes recently? I’ve also just moved back as an adult for the first time in my life so I’m also kind of treating the UK like someone who has just moved here for the first time in terms of location.

You gone to bed and stopped embarrassing yourself?

I can relate to this. I lived in Oxford throughout my 20s and by late 20s I wanted my own place/ family/ settle down - this was not really realistic in oxford due to the high cost of living

In late 20s, I stayed in Oxford but made a regular habit of having holidays weekend breaks to different UK towns/ cities - I visited Cardiff/ Bristol/ York/ Durham/ little towns etc etc.. and made notes of where I could imagine myself living and building my forever life. I wanted to be in a town that had a few cafes/ theatre/ cinema/ active Church community etc but with good access to the countryside. Then when I had a few towns/ places in mind (I was quite flexible and not set on one particular place)- I kept an eye out for jobs in those areas. Then when the perfect job came up - I moved

Another tip - Save as much money as you can, Now! Cut out all unnecessary expenses eg takeaways/ restaurants/ Holidays

Once I moved, I was surprised that despite leaving an expensive city - rent still ate up a lot of income. Even in a “cheaper” nice part of the UK - a £250,000 terraced house requires often a 10% deposit. Then there’s the furniture

Also if you want wedding/ children/ funding maternity leaves in your 30s - save save save! You might be currently single and think you’ll never meet anyone. But you could meet someone quite quickly and want these things - which will be a lot easier with savings

Good luck!

Manchester is amazing. My daughter moved there recently and is having a blast. I love visiting. Yes, prices have risen but I don’t think they’re London prices still. Plus while the city centre is expensive it’s not as bad a bit further out and the public transport is great.

or look at cheaper cities like Sheffield, maybe Leeds?

I certainly wouldn’t live in London unless work necessitated it. You can have fun and buzz in other cheaper places, places where you can have a house with a garden without it costing as much as London.

If you have flexibility with your job I’d move to Manchester. Great city and great job opportunities, not cheap to rent but you’d get a lovely city centre flat with amenities for that price rather than zone 3. It’s much easier to get out of for countryside (peaks/north wales/lakes etc) and a really fun city to be young in!

Move to London for a year and have your last hurrah! You will meet lots of people and see lots of amazing things. You can start to form your judgement and next move. Hopefully you will find like minded people.

Secondary cities are great - as someone who followed a similar trajectory and yearnings (I worked overseas throughout my twenties) I have been very happy somewhere I can walk across in forty minutes. It's stable but not sclerotic, and we are an easy 90 minute train journey out of central London any time we like.

Birmingham and Bristol always get a good write up. While I like where I live, if I had my time again I would be in the south-west, having my long weekends on the coast.

It's great you are thinking it through. Imho it's very easy to be pulled into what can be a lonely life in the capital. I have lots of friends who happily settled down and moved out in their early thirties while others have struggled to meet someone because it is so atomised if you are young and single. And FWIW my weekly yoga class costs me £10. My sister pays £30 in central London...

Things change. Nothing wrong with that. I never wanted children, yet when I was 34 DH and I decided to have one.

What job do you do?

I was also going to suggest Leeds. i lived there for a while and still have friends and family there.

Someone above said Birmingham but it doesn’t feel very safe to me when I go there.

To give an idea of Manchester prices dd is in a flat share £975 a month. But it’s a brand new luxury skyscraper with 24 hr concierge, gym, massive social space/co working space with bar and cafe. Includes all bills. Right in the city centre. She could have got cheaper by either having less amenities or being further out.

It sounds like it’s more about having your own space and a garden. Sharing is fabulous but it has a sell by date.

I know that some people absolutely think that you leave London when you have children, but (if cost isn’t a factor) London is a great place to have children with pots of stuff to do, much of it free, and the best schools in the country I believe.

Just putting that out there!

Where are your family based and where did you grow up? It might a good idea to stay close-ish to where your family are, as when you have kids you might want to be within easy distance. I’d use that as a guide for which city to base yourself in, so your new friends network and your family aren’t too far apart for any future moves you want to make. That might help with the idea of feeling settled - you’ll have the people network is one area / region (assuming your family isn’t spread out)

You have fabulous options open to you @Banayama

You're young enough to make a 5 year plan now that will help you reach your ultimate goal, you actually sound as if you are not quite ready to re-locate to the 'burbs? But if the thought of still living in the city (even with all its attendant advantages) fills you with absolute dread then perhaps the time is now to make the transition.

I've linked a lovely wee site that may inspire and enable you to achieve the lifestyle that you're seeking. (albeit some areas are possibly eye-wateringly pricy) 🙈

Good luck, don't panic, it's an exciting time for you @Banayama

I'd live in London, have a fun time but focus on finding a partner you can then do the whole moving out/ garden/ kids thing. You are much more likely to find a suitable partner in a big city than a small town/ countryside. And it will be easier with a partner.

I lived in London from 21-31, met DH at 28 and life comes at you fast! So glad I had my 20s in London.

London's not the only city in the UK, try a different one, why not?

What do you do for work? If you move outside London and have to commute in for work it's ridiculously expensive on trains. Or take a local less well paid job. Or retrain to something you can do anywhere. Or have a wealthy partner and be a SAHM. Or a less wealthy partner but family support with childcare.

There's so many things that I never realised were putting me off kids.

You need a partner who has a similar level job and a good size deposit if you plan to buy.

I also moved around a lot and went travelling and got to 27 and decided to move to a three bed in a town and just calm down. I thought I'd want to party and travel for ever, and don't get me wrong I still have fun, but just being more settled suddenly became a priority for me.

Worst thing that happens is you do it for 6 months, hate it, then move to London

If you love the UK I wouldn’t move to London whether it’s city life or not that you seek.

It isn’t really an English city any more but a country in its own right.

Too full of 'foreigners'? Need somewhere more reform, try cornwall or parts of the north....

I lived there for 40 years and it’s not much English about it any more?

Especially compared to the small towns dotted around the country.

It’s hardly a controversial opinion, just walk round London.

I lived very much like you in my 20s and early to mid 30s - had a great well paid career, city living, socialising. Burned the candle at both ends but not in a bad way; I have some great memories and friends from that time.

I met DH in my late 30s, married and we now have one DD, who is 5. We now live a nice suburban life, still connected to the city but obviously much calmer and much cheaper!

My one regret with the benefit of hindsight is that I should’ve planned ahead more, especially financially. I assumed the childfree partying would go on forever and, of course, it didn’t. I should’ve got on the property ladder earlier (I rented until I bought a place with DH), even if that meant moving to a less trendy / central area, or buying something older / small. I should’ve struck more of a balance between saving and living the high life.

That’s my only reflection - it’s all fallen into place but with 20/20 hindsight I would’ve approach things a little differently.

Hope that helps.

At 27 I couldn’t imagine living anywhere but London. In fact, late 20s and 30s are the best time to live in London because you can afford to actually enjoy it. Living in a nice neighbourhood, going to nice bars and restaurants, enjoying nightlife / festivals, making the most of the city being a travel hub with 5/6 airports and doing lots of travelling etc. etc. It’s a fab place to live!

Try it out and re-assess in a few years. You won’t regret it. Good luck!

Oooh I’ve just seen you’re from New York! Okay, absolutely nowhere in the UK is going to truly compare but London is the closest thing. So I would reiterate my advice above - definitely give London a go.

(I moved from London to NYC in my mid-30s and it has been magical. Love both cities to bits.)

It depends what you mean by english

I lived in London until I was 29. The lifestyle you want is hard to have in London, but luckily there are lots of cool , smaller cities where you can have those things. Listen to your gut. You can do trips to London if you want and even move there later, but there’s nothing wrong with wanting something different.