Need people's views on what just happened in my home

[Spiderwoman123]

6 year old ASD son. He is currently in process of EHCP application. He struggles socially, has no friends, has weird things about food

H has always said im too soft. Letting him have pudding when hes only eaten cucumber. That kind of thing. H gets v frustrated at DS not eating as H is the house chef really. H always been pretty resistant to adapting parenting but accepts diagnosis and is kind and loving but can also be v inflexible and quick to anger.H much prefers younger DS (none of same challenges). H can get pretty grumpy

Right. So dinner time. DS refusing to eat chicken as he says different to normal stuff. H getting wound up. Me trying to reduce tension. DS says "stop looking at me" as H staring at him. H looks mad. DS getting mad too. Tension rising and both sniping at each other. DS goes to slap H. Its pretty half hearted. DS used to hit a lot when meltdown and we have worked on it a lot together but it still happens. DS barely touches H. H says this is because he moved out the way.

H in response raises his hand to hit DS. I think. Stops himself and then picks up DS chair off the ground and tips it over so that DS falls onto hard kitchen floor. Not from some great height but he definitely picked up the chair and tipped it fully so DS (who was curled up on chair crying) onto floor. Pur kitchen has a fake concrete floor thing

DS bawling. H saying he didn't mean to but he wanted DS to leave room. H saying im overreacting and started blaming me for my shitty parenting!

Currently putting two v upset boys to bed. I think it's fucking horrendous. H thinks DS went to hit him and H was just getting him to leave the room

Pls tell me what to do

This… I’d suggest in addition a parenting course for neurodivergence/ sen parenting. There is one called riding the rapids near me (north west) from the local authority

Your husband's list of people/things to blame for your son being hurt is:

• your son
• you
• the fake concrete floor

He is blameless as the punishment for your son rejecting his chicken nuggets definitely fits the crime (in his fucked up head).

Just when you think that this victim blaming thread can't get any worse, you pop up with your suggestion of OP's abusive DH using more more violence on his neurodivergent child.

I've reported your post.

The thing with kids and behaviour/boundaries, is mum and dad must appear consistent/on the same page.

If you don't kids learn from an early age who is "soft" on x or y, and they will adapt behaviour accordingly, it leads to boundaries not being firm because each parent undermines the other parent.

Children need to see mum and dad as in charge, in control, responsible. It makes them feel safe & secure. Mum and dad taking different positions is confusing for them and on a basic level increases anxiety.

Your DH reaction today was unreasonable, he's obviously lost control but you need to work together on this.

Agree some ground rules. Don't give puddings to a child who hasn't eaten any healthy food (or they will simply try to live off pudding) but agree some compromises like smaller portions and every meal including safe foods.

Agree it together and both stick to it as parents and be a team. Your kids need to see you as united, as fair and consistent with clear boundaries.

What's worrying me is that you can read the OP's posts and then come up with this nonsense.

Her husband dropped his own child onto a (fake but still hard) concrete floor because he wouldn't eat his chicken nuggets and you think that OP is just using this as an excuse to end her marriage?

In this incident, her husband is the villain. OP is definitely a model parent to a neurodivergent child compared to her husband as she has taken the time to attend parenting classes which he refused to do. He makes no allowances for their child's autism which is the definition of a shit parent, even putting the violence to one side.

You've just agreed with the poster who has advocated that OP's DH should use more physical violence on his child by giving him a good hard smack so your views are utterly worthless.

I hope your husband apologises to you and your son. If he doesn’t think he’s in the wrong, you’ve got big problems.

You do need to get help if you’re feeling sick, some of the over dramatic responses need to be ignored and as others have said MN really is not the place to get help or advice anymore.

FWIW my child had an eating disorder for several years and we were told by all professionals that we had to take control of food and our child had to eat what we provided. It was crucial that we worked as a team. So clearly it is pointless turning to a forum like this to get help.

Go to the school. Ask for Early Help.We weren’t there, we only have your account and others dealing with your family will be best placed to provide support.

DH is v obsessed with us not being grateful enough about the food he cooks. He takes it personally that the kids bloody wont eat their chicken.

As the person who was in your DH shoes doing most of the cooking - you need to step up and share the load on this. I had exactly the same reaction when the kids were rude about food I'd spent hours making. I needed DH to do more of the share of the cooking.

It helped massively. He put less effort in but this also meant he struggled less with the sense that the kids were ungrateful and it toned down the atmosphere, but he also started to understand how i felt, and as a result started to be more consistent about working with me on boundaries. It led to clear rules - the kids don't have to like or eat what has been cooked but they don't get to say its "disgusting" or be rude about it, because that it is hurtful to the person who has cooked it.

Is your DH getting a bit of death by a thousand cuts?

Please ignore this poster. She has suggested that your DH gives your son a good hard smack. That will sort everything out apparently.

The child has a history of smacking. The OP admitted that. I’m not excusing the dad’s reaction. That’s 100% on him & no one else. I can however understand his frustration. When you’re trying to get any child to eat what they don’t want to regardless of ND. All kids play up at dinner time at some point. I would be annoyed if my DH gave in and gave them dessert anyway it’s undermined my authority & all that effort to get them to eat was for nothing. I would have just spent the time I could be sitting down enjoying my dinner trying to get my child to eat for nothing & that’s annoying. That doesn’t excuse his behaviour though. But it also doesn’t mean mom isn’t blameless for the grievances at dinner time. She’s not to be blamed for his actions though. Thats all on him, but the tension is definitely being flamed with her help

I can’t believe I’ve just read this. You are blaming the mother for her husband’s abusive behaviour.

Exactly and a child that hits other people is violent and needs help, they all do-from professionals who know the family. Not random keyboard warriors with agendas to push.

I have 3 autistic DC. You will get this problem time and again with food if your DH is trying to force your DS to eat, that in itself is abusive behaviour.

As long as what your DS does eat is balanced, it doesn't matter if it is the same things every day.

@Spiderwoman123 , your DS is not violent, I don't know why PPs are suggesting he is, he is 6, not 16 and he is autistic. Autistic people are (generally) very protective of their (our) bodies; food and drink going in can be very threatening and a higher level of bodily autonomy is needed for an ASD child to feel safe.

Your DH must learn more about ND if he wants to be an authority. When you call someone an authority on something, it means they have a wealth of knowledge, he cannot expect to be an authority if he hasn't done the reading.

At the moment, he has no choice but to defer to you, you are the literal authority. He will likely realise for himself that he is ND once he starts learning.

Someone can be abusive because they are ND and don't understand how that affects their interactions. It isn't one or the other. You can be both.

Completely this. As the cook also I would be annoyed. However, as a mom I would be peeved if my husband cut across the boundaries I just set in front of my kids. When the kids were small we quickly agreed we wouldn’t do this. If one parent said no to something the other agreeing or not would stand by the decision & we can discuss out of earshot of the kids later. My husband hates the idea of the kids going to bed hungry. So our compromise on this (the kids refusing to eat dinner won’t be offered an alternative or given treats, my rule & my red line) they could have a banana or toast a few hours after dinner so enough time passed that they didn’t think they’ll get something else anyway & only offered if they where hungry.

If you’d rtft you would see that the DS has had help from professionals and has been doing well. However, when a 6 year old, I emphasise SIX and ND, is pushed to his limit they will resort to previous behaviour, albeit feebly in this instance. You do not pick up a chair and chuck your child to the floor if you find this frustrating. You leave the room and calm down.

To those people who say you don’t reward a child for not eating his dinner with dessert, I am of the view that getting something into a child is better than nothing and many experts agree. You will never win over a child not wanting to eat a particular food but you do try and find something they will eat. There seems to be a fair amount of victim blaming towards the OP coming out and it is very unpleasant.

OP you sound like a very hard working mum carrying the load here. I can hear you weighing up leaving vs accepting this. Neither is good.

How about a middle road of some sort of intervention to say we need to change family dynamics. Speak to DH without the DC present and acknowledge his regret. He knows he is wrong and is now panicking. Say you have to work together. If he cannot engage with this I'd suggest you consider how life might work without him.

Life with teenagers and angry DH who cannot deal with conflict is going to be much worse. You need a plan. I also want to repeat you sound like a really caring mum trying to do the best in a complex situation

If nothing else, this may teach your DS that there can be consequences if you try to hit someone.

I sympathize with both of you trying to parent this kid.

Again though his reaction was not ok. She has to do what she thinks is best

Because I am an educator who sees it happening and I am also the parent of a physically aggressive autistic DC, with friends who are also going through the same. Raising ND children with clinical needs takes its toll in ways you can't imagine. He could be abusive, but he may also not be. And it's worth giving dad a chance with some support, as any social worker would do.

There's a charity called Capa First Response who are very helpful. I'll post a link.

OP, you sound like a fantastic mum looking out for the welfare of your children.

You've done the parenting courses and are following the advice given to support your child. Your DH hasn't and is not willing to do it, but yet attacks your parenting and says you are the problem.

Your husband is an idiot. He is a stubborn man who does not understand his child and does not wish to, but is portraying himself as a victim. I would like to add, don't be surprised if things escalate suddenly as he is now concerned about you contacting authorities about him. He may reinforce his feelings that you are 'the enemy'. Men like that sometimes then start to use the child against you.

I would contact family support, see if they can make a home visit with your husband there so he is forced to listen to them about the way to care for your son. Be honest with them and present it to your husband as a way forward for all of you.

However, in situations like this where the man just refuses to listen, ultimately he becomes a person you just can't live with. It won't be you that 'breaks up the family', it will be because he pushed you to do it.

Capa First Response | Together for safer families - Capa First Response https://share.google/Iz1l7ALR3agI6DMnS

(I'm a parent of an autistic child who was regularly violent to us while disregulated).

I wish you would post about the previous incidents you mentioned, op.