To tell DS17 he shouldn’t come with us to Florida next year.

[Kickinthenostalgia]

as a family 4 we booked to go to America in April but I’m hugely regretting it now. Ds17 has asd and is somewhat getting harder and harder to deal with whilst out. He’s absolutely fine at home but whenever we go places it’s just so much aggro, he didnt fancy our caravan holiday so didn’t come with us this year and I feel guilty in saying this but it was so much better. No issues, no arguments, no meltdowns, no stepping on eggshells. We thought he’d really want to go to America and he was really excited, until he wasn’t but is still talking about going. He absolutely hates trump, keeps saying he’s not eating American food because it’s full of chemicals, he complained when we did our Estas, about them having all the information on him etc. I’m wondering if he doesn’t want to come but doesn’t want to tell us in case we are mad about the money.

The last 2 days have been a nightmare for me and DP as well as my sister who’s bearing the brunt of it. as he’s currently over in Belgium with my sister and he’s barely left the hotel. I called him earlier to ask him if he’d like to come home early and he told me he didn’t feel safe and now my sister has said he hasn’t even gone for food this evening . I feel bad for her because she’s having to cut her holiday short( for which I’m reimbursing her) also she’s been doing everything solo which wasn’t was she thought she’d be doing.

I honestly don’t think he will manage in America as he’d most likely feel more unsafe over there. I also don’t want him ruining it for dd13. If we cancel the whole holiday it’s one not fair or DP or dd as they’ve never been, and we stand to lose a lot of money, where as if it’s just him then the hit won’t be too bad. I feel guilty as he’ll even thinking about this but I don’t want him distressed for 2 weeks because it will make everyone else feel awkward. But he absolutely loves rollercoasters and has been talking about the Florida ones for years. I want to sit him down and make all the points very clear. I’m really not sure what to do for the best 🙁

You need to sit him down and ask him directly if he wants to go or not, from then you can make a decision.

Has anyone sat him down and explained the impact his behaviour has on those around him?

You need to speak to him, instead of deciding for him.

Can he stay in the hotel while you do other things? Do you have those tickets that mean you can go to the parks every day, he could just go off and do that?

Agree, you sit him down and ask if he’d like to come on the family’s holiday, but if he does then he has to behave as part of the family: no moping about spoiling the mood for everyone, you’re going as a family so he has to participate in some family activities even if he then wants to do some things by himself, no talking about politics whilst on holiday, no making a fuss about food. You’ll understand if he thinks he’ll find it undeniable and doesn’t want to agree to that, and that’s fine, but this is everyone else’s trip too and him making things awkward or difficult isn’t an option.

The early finish for Belgium is a great opportunity to put the problem to him.

If push comes to shove and he still wants to come, though, what are you going to do? In his defence he might manage infinitely better with his own parents there than with anyone else, however much he loves his aunty.

I am not sure I could tell him not to come but might need to have a plan in reserve, like dividing & conquering so you take one child each separately rather than going round. in a 4, and/or having some scheduled days off from the parks to keep him regulated.

Is he aware of the impact he has on others? Do you point it out in back and white for him?

yanbu.

So the 3 of you will still go and your dS will be where exactly?

He absolutely hates trump, keeps saying he’s not eating American food because it’s full of chemicals, he complained when we did our Estas, about them having all the information on him etc.

I don’t disagree on any of this. If he stays at home will he be ok alone?

Something else to consider - and not sure whether it’s valid or not - but if he says something anti Trump to the wrong person, it could potentially have consequences. It all seems to be a bit febrile there. I was in Canada recently wearing a Dem hat and some ladies from Florida commented favorably on it. I got the impression that it would not have been welcomed in Florida. We agreed that the times were difficult.

Good luck with the conversation.

You can tell him that due to his behaviour in Belgium and his comments about America not being safe etc, you are worried he won't handle the US trip.

That it's totally fine if he doesn't want to come.

Ask how he honestly feels about it.

That if he does come nobody will be changing their plans or bending to his whim if he feels uncomfortable.

That he needs to embrace it and be grateful for a free holiday.

If not then of course staying home is no problem.

Presuming he has someone to keep an eye on him and he won't have a massive party and trash your house?

To add, if he does join you, I’d also really impress into him the importance of not being a smart alec with HS at border control. If he’s stroppy about being asked entry questions, or complains about security procedures, or makes comments about being anti the government, you’re in for administrative pain that you don’t need.

At home with my mum who lives with us..

What would be the point, though?He must have wanted to go on the Belgium trip, it didn’t stop him behaving like he is 🤷🏻‍♀️

That's a very good point actually.. they want the address you're staying at, take fingerprints etc

Best if he doesn't come and ruin it for everyone else. Guess he doesn't like going away. Hope the rest of you have a lovely holiday to Florida!

I want to just reiterate DS has autism, anxiety and sensory issues, so him acknowledging his behaviour usually falls on deaf ears the minute he is overwhelmed or in a sensory overload. he basically grew up with my sister as there’s only 4 years between them. They had a fairly good relationship.
I'm defo not deciding for him but I will use his issues about America to form my argument, of course id love for him to experience it, I did when I was 16 and its something I’ll always remember.
I mean non of us are fans of trump but I’m not stupid enough to mention it whilst in America. I just need him to understand that I’m not sitting around with him if he decides to come, he can stay in the room. But not sure what he’d eat tbh. I

So you're all definitely still going?

This sounds like a real ramping up of anxiety, Florida aside. I'd find that concerning, OP, and maybe try to find ways of getting to the bottom of that instead of focussing on the trip.

I'm American, by the way (despise Trump and everything about him). Florida is definitely its own odd ecosystem, but most visitors to Disney are tourists and I'd say about 30% of the country hates Trump, 30% loves him, and 30% are rapidly becoming disenchanted, so I wouldn't worry too much about what kind of reception his politics are going to get. And re food - possibly the worst food I've ever had in my life was at Paris Disney. I'm not sure it's possible to produce anything more disgusting!

Yep...I wondered if anyone else would post about the ethics of going to the US in the current political situation.

A safe arrangement for DS sounds best

Thing if he starts rucking up at the border CBP might take you in for secondary inspection

Stop treating him like a baby. Why doesn't he know the consequences that his behaviour might have? Autism or not (I'm guessing it's high-functional, so his intelligence is ok), he is 17 and he is about to go to uni or get a job! What will he tell his boss? How will he earn a living?

My son is only 11 so slightly different, he absolutely knows what the consequences of his behaviour can be but in the moment, when hes anxious or having a meltdown, it doesn't stop him. Then he has the feelings of guilt or embarrassment to deal with and the struggles start again. Its not as simple as expecting him to have understanding and control, we have had all sorts of interventions and still have blips where he makes mistakes.

I'd cancel the whole thing rather that put myself through that.

Go away with your daughter on her own.
Soundsike she could do with a break.

He doesn't want to go to the US due to food, politics, and other perfectly good reasons. Why would you try to drag him there? You do want to go, but think he will ruin your trip. Again, why force him to go??

I mean I get you've probably already wasted the money at this point, but it still doesn't make sense to try and make him go. Also not clear whether he understands quite how badly it could go if a 17 year old gets arsy at immigration.

I'd give him the choice to go or not, and try to get him to own the decision. Understand what he is going for and what the compromises are likely to be. Or don't go at all.