To tell DS17 he shouldn’t come with us to Florida next year.

[Kickinthenostalgia]

as a family 4 we booked to go to America in April but I’m hugely regretting it now. Ds17 has asd and is somewhat getting harder and harder to deal with whilst out. He’s absolutely fine at home but whenever we go places it’s just so much aggro, he didnt fancy our caravan holiday so didn’t come with us this year and I feel guilty in saying this but it was so much better. No issues, no arguments, no meltdowns, no stepping on eggshells. We thought he’d really want to go to America and he was really excited, until he wasn’t but is still talking about going. He absolutely hates trump, keeps saying he’s not eating American food because it’s full of chemicals, he complained when we did our Estas, about them having all the information on him etc. I’m wondering if he doesn’t want to come but doesn’t want to tell us in case we are mad about the money.

The last 2 days have been a nightmare for me and DP as well as my sister who’s bearing the brunt of it. as he’s currently over in Belgium with my sister and he’s barely left the hotel. I called him earlier to ask him if he’d like to come home early and he told me he didn’t feel safe and now my sister has said he hasn’t even gone for food this evening . I feel bad for her because she’s having to cut her holiday short( for which I’m reimbursing her) also she’s been doing everything solo which wasn’t was she thought she’d be doing.

I honestly don’t think he will manage in America as he’d most likely feel more unsafe over there. I also don’t want him ruining it for dd13. If we cancel the whole holiday it’s one not fair or DP or dd as they’ve never been, and we stand to lose a lot of money, where as if it’s just him then the hit won’t be too bad. I feel guilty as he’ll even thinking about this but I don’t want him distressed for 2 weeks because it will make everyone else feel awkward. But he absolutely loves rollercoasters and has been talking about the Florida ones for years. I want to sit him down and make all the points very clear. I’m really not sure what to do for the best 🙁

That's tough OP. At least if he doesn't go, you still can, so you have options. Definitely ask him if he would prefer to opt out as there seems to be a lot he would find difficult and use the Belgium trip as a recent example.

The trouble is, I think a lot of people with this type of presentation of autism like the idea of an experience but the reality is actually too much when combined with travel, bureaucracy, being away from home, different food, what if we get ill etc. I've got a friend (who doesn't actually have a diagnosis apart from anxiety though both her children have ASD so I think she likely does too) who books holidays, looks forward to them and then a few days before gets anxious about those sorts of details. To the extent that twice she got off the plane again before it departed and refused to go.

If he does decide he wants to go, you will need to be very firm with him about border control and no voicing strong political opinions in public. You will also need to accept that he might stay in the holiday accommodation every day but make clear the rest of you will be out and about. Food ... you can order deliveries of fresh food from Garden Grocer or similar so he can eat in the room and avoid restaurants/fast food if he prefers. It's not ideal but might be workable?

If he wants to stay at home just say that's fine, glad you felt able to tell us.

Another problem that may occur- going through us immigration. My asd son went to LA 10 years ago. He can mask pretty well, but immigration was a nightmare. He started getting anxious, then stimming (which he hadn't done for years). Immigration deemed his behaviour was suspicious. 3 hours he was held. He got worse. Only the fact that his friend was waiting and he had a letter from our Dr explaining saved him from being deported. Obviously he will be with you, but can son be trusted not to start making comments about Trump and ICE?

It wasn’t sensible to book the holiday. It seems probable that if DS is included he will experience challenges and react in ways he has before. Only you can decide whether, on balance, it is better to exclude or include DS in this and any future trips, and/or not to do certain things with your other DC.

Why are you even contemplating taking someone who can't cope with overwhelm into situations that he can't cope with?

It's setting him up to fail.

It’s clear he won’t enjoy the trip and the rest of the family will have a hellish time.

i would ask him if he wants to go, explain your concerns, he is likely to say he does I want to go. I wouldn’t take him but would organise a separate trip just with him to a destination he’ll definitely like.

Coming back to this, the rollercoasters are such a big pull for some people though. Addictive really if your brain is wired that way. Letting go of some of the famous coasters is a big ask.

I wonder if it might help to offer him a "consolation prize" to sugar the pill a bit. A short break at Alton Towers or wherever his favourite UK theme park is. Not a bribe, just a way to limit the amount he loses out if he does decide not to go.

By next year he’ll be 18….an actual adult! Let him decide where he’ll be!

Leave him at home . It’s not fair on everyone else if he behaves badly .

Do not allow him to come. He will absolutely ruin it for you all.

These sullen and sulky men need repercussions.

Did you not have a family discussion about this before it was booked?
His reasons not to travel are valid, and I think actually being there might make him worse.
I think if it were me, I would sit him down and ask him to talk through with you what his holiday looks like for him, given his feelings.
If he says I wont eat I wont go out I wont walk around then I would suggest that he sits this one out and book something he would engage in for next time if he wishes to join you all.

But I wouldn't say f that we are going without you, id say ok so if we go, what does your day look like. Can we plan whats going to be happening. Are you able to handle being there because the we do want to go but we understand your reservations.
Personally I cant understand why you booked it knowing his feeling but you are where you are.

Asking him is pointless as he will say yes. But you know he is 100% going to ruin it for everyone else. And it’s really unfair that everyone else should not go on this trip because of one person.
he will be fine with your mum as she lives with you. You could shorten the trip if you feel it’s too long but taking him is just going to be too stressful and miserable for the others and yourself.

@Doteycatwhat is the point of the family discussion? They know his stance, the only option is don’t go or go. And why should everyone else miss out for a grown 18yo?

The discussion should have been before it was booked.
Oh, and they are a family so I presume they give a shit about each other?

Discussion to ask his permission? I’m not sure what discussion was to be had? Because surely discussing it was just asking his permission and then everyone doesn’t go.?

Will he be OK on his own at home? At 17 he is still part of the family so I would personally cancel and plan the family holiday around something everyone wants to do/can cope with. It's a bummer - but that's the reality of having a child with special needs.

Our daughter with ASD is 21 and we have only started to do short trips without her.

So you never discuss things with your family and them having strong feelings are disregarded?
How strange.

This is so sad, Yabu.
you know he has disabilities he cannot control, so stop referring it to behaviour that ruins things. It’s your lack of accommodation or even the barest consideration of his needs that is ruining holidays. Of course he wants to go to Florida and ride roller coasters.

The talk with him should not be do you want to go and if so you must meet the impossible standard of not being autistic with sensory issues and anxiety with a dollop of more anxiety inducing guilt tripping of so you don’t ruin the holiday for everyone.

Poor kid.

The conversation should be on what he needs. Would going early to the park and riding three roller coasters and then an afternoon napping in his own private bedroom at the hotel while the rest of you do something else he would not be able to cope with be a good way for everyone to rub along? What sort of hotel have you booked? Off Disney property you can get really nice 3-4 bedroom holiday flats with swimming pools and quiet times for the same price as sharing a family room in a noisy, over crowded Disney hotel. Sit with him and go over what is there- would he like to go to Sea World? Or the Animal Kingdom safari ride? How can you pace the holiday so he has rest days not around people so he can decompress and stay emotionally regulated? What is your Plan to get him back to the hotel no questions asked if he is hit with sudden overwhelm and feels a meltdown coming and still be able for the rest of you to regroup while he is resting?

The Belgium trip shouldn’t be viewed as a disaster, your sister should have planned to do some things solo as an autistic person doesn’t have the ability to do a full on city break going from one tourist spot to another without getting overwhelmed. You need to work with him and be more compassionate instead of using emotional blackmail and setting him up to fail by demanding he be neurotypical.

Bring aware of your behaviour doesn't stop it when you have autism. He's not being 'naughty' or a deliberate pain in the arse, he's being autistic. He will struggle very much to contain, for example, a meltdown or stimming or any other autistic trait. Kindly, you sound like you don't know the difference between a grumpy teen and one who is autistic.

(I am high functioning btw; I am SUPER aware of my traits and still, I can't always stop a meltdown, it makes me so ashamed you wouldn't believe it. If only it were as simple as not doing it....)

Absolutely second this. Border force can be absolute arseholes sometimes. We flew to the US earlier this year and were asked a ton of questions, as a generic family just there for sightseeing. If your son doesn’t like the idea of all his information being given on an Esta, he really won’t like the separate questioning and fingerprinting at the border.

OP, it might also be worth trying to get to the bottom of why your DS is finding things harder atm, if his traits are becoming more disabling. Hormones and the teenage years can be very tough for those with autism, but is he anxious about exams, friends, relationships....? Perhaps digging into what's going on right now might give a clue as to whether the US trip will be good for him or not.

@Doteycat no we don’t ask our kids on where to holiday. We as the parents decide. And we don’t rule out countries and places all because of one person. They can come but not ruin it for everyone else, in this case op knows he will. So what is there to discuss with him.

I think it was discussed beforehand, probably at length. OP mentioned how excited he was and it sounds like it was designed with him in mind all along. The Belgium trip has giving them new information, plus they are thinking harder about the airport security angle.

The tricky thing, OP, is if your perception of how much he'll struggle doesn't align with his. But you won't know where you stand with that until you start having the conversation.

As i said, I find that most strange.
When mine were small I didnt really involve them in the decision but once they got older I absolutely did.
Clearly you dont think they warrant an input. I think mine did. We always ended up all happy with our holiday. Family holiday. Clue is in the name.
Ops is has extra needs. They can all go to the states when hes at a stage he wldnt be included anyway. I dont see the problem with this at all.
One person being actively unhappy would absolutely impact my choice on holiday. Im the parent. Not the dictator.

Two of my friends are banned from the USA, following meltdown incidents at border control. I understand Orlando International offers sensory assistance services, no idea what they're like but you would need to book them in advance.

I think he probably doesn’t cope well with change. Holidays he retreats into the hotel room where it’s safe for him. No I would give him the option to stay at home. He may be relieved. A relative with asd will happily go on holiday to the same place on repeat as they know what to expect.